I feel horrible for being so mean today. It was like because i couldnt hold him and make things better, i felt like i had to be the opposite end of the spectrum. apparently. i refused a back rub. not normal for me. I just didnt want him to touch me.. i might have like it too much. sick. but too true. Sometimes its a very thin line between love and
Well.. so things between Ryan and I are "fixed". At least we are talking.. like really talking.. instead of all the pseudo weirdness and pseudo relationshipness. Now its just friends
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I woke up this morning doing okay..sort of. until that horrible thought popped into my head.. so he'll fuck me.. but he won't fight for me. I can just feel the walls building.. the permanent walls.. the ones that never go away. I hate boys. I hate sex. I hate how i want both of those things so very very much.