damn the stress. i'm getting stress pimples. all on my face. i just need to be a hermit. with buckets. i hate my life.

...to earn money so i could be loaded enough to take care of sam if she needed it. money was always an issue with us. i want her back. so bad. i'm trying to still be nice when she isn't. and when she does things to make me cry. but sometimes i can't help but be snappy when my heart feels stabbed. i know that sometimes it's got to be subconscious. ( Read more... )

and then sam goes and does something nice and sweet. she treated me like i was a friend. recently i only get that when we chill alone. or when chrissy.s not around. because her attention is focused on her. and then i get sad. an moody. an then she is even more mean to me. but last night was cool. i got her attention. i want so badly to still be the ( Read more... )

everything she says and does towards me now makes me cry. nothing positive comes out of her mouth towards me. it sucks. what ever happened to the good friends we used to be? i miss it so much. it sucks but i think my time in her life is through. and it really hurts that our paths will split like this.

as bad as it sounds, some days i wish i had never met or dated sam. i wouldn't be so sad or depressed right now. and her running off with chrissy everywhere wouldn't pierce my heart. i just got to get fucked up enough that when i sober up i have forgotten everything. i made myself a slipknot last night. i was crying so uncontrollably. i started to ( Read more... )

well the all good hippy festival was fun until the last night. chrissy flipped her shit an went ape on everyone. sam of course stayed behind. no big deal. problem was...i was tripping balls. i got in a very pour sad depressive mood. i tried making the night better by stumbling in on a family's camp. i took lots of jello shots an more drugs. i ( Read more... )

well sobering up is harder than i ever imagined. granted it is my second time around. but the first time was forced an was in rehab. and i wasn't heart broken at that time in my life. only infatuated with a girl i couldn't really have. this time around is worse because i AM heart broken. its harder for me to be happy again. i feel so incomplete. i ( Read more... )

fear. what is fear? we all have it. someone is lying if they tell you otherwise. my biggest fear is venturing into the unknown. there are a lot of things that could potentially be unknown. example: future depression from not having sam anymore. amber is trying to give me comforting words on how its a growing experience. i take the words in but i ( Read more... )

i don't quite know what to say. i had all the words in the world to say while i was at work, but now i'm lost

well folks i've officially reached rock bottom. i'm constantly depressed and there is no climbing out of this hole. all i can do is sit back and watch my life fall to pieces. i lost my fiance, love of my life. and now i get to sit and watch her move on like i never existed. tears come and they go. heartache will always be present. will all the hurt ( Read more... )