So really, I need to get my shit together and take advantage of this insurance business. I really am seriously lacking most resources, but that's a big one that I need to be using. Since I'm all over the place and often not in a stable enough position to maintain any government support, I know I should do a bunch of things now ( Read more... )

I almost forgot about New Year's Eve. I'm not excited, not at all. I really wouldn't mind holidays so much if I could just ignore them, but every TV station and every web site and every radio station goes on about it all day. At least there won't be any regret. It's not like I really could do anything since I'm so broke. I just wish I could hide ( Read more... )

So I'm still on my quest to understand and master intimacy. I posted a bulletin on MySpace, and I got very few answers. I replied to one of them, though, and I said some things I thought I should keep. Remember, this was for a MySpace conversation, so it's sort of sloppily written. Anyway, before I trimmed it down, it went something like this ( Read more... )

So it just dawned on me that I have terrible intimacy issues. I feel like maybe it was obvious to lots of people, but somehow I just never even considered that I might have intimacy issues. I was pretty aware of the space where it should be and the discomfort that came from the lack of what I would later identify as intimacy. I guess I just never ( Read more... )

So since I can't sleep, I spend a lot of time thinking. This morning I realized a few things.

First off, I need to stop trying to analyze and explain bad feelings. Coming up with good reasons to be miserable does make me feel less bad about being miserable, but it really doesn't help the big problem. The big problem is that there's really no good ( Read more... )

Can you please tell me the things I do to ask for trouble? Can you tell me how all the bad things in my life are my fault. I'm totally serious. I'd like that, because at least I'd feel I could do something about it. It seems that lots of other people that whine on LJ (no one on my friends list, really) just can't imagine why bad things happen to ( Read more... )

So after a two-month psychiatric vacation, I'm not feeling much better off than I started. In fact, some things might be worse, and I'm probably just asking for seizures. Now, because I wasn't making money in Four Winds or the hospital, I'm completely broke. My phone is off, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing about follow-up care. I'm ( Read more... )

I'm an idiot. I don't know why I ever believed anything John said. "You'll be so proud of me," he told me. Now I'm just really, really embarrassed. I'm ashamed of the fact that I believed him; I'm ashamed of the fact that I went; I'm ashamed of the fact that his behavior wasn't surprising, and after having gone through this kind of stuff before, I ( Read more... )

So it looks like I'm going to the Halloween parade with John. I know, you're all thinking it's a terrible idea. It may very well be. I'm giving it a shot, though. I can't even explain the situation because it really has the potential to be crushingly disappointing, but there are a few things that have happened that suggest that I really should give ( Read more... )

I'm feeling sort of lame lately. I could have gone to a party last night and Six Flags today, but I passed up both opportunities. Well, I'd have gotten bitched out like crazy for Six Flags, but still.... It's the holiday season. I feel like I should be taking every opportunity to celebrate ( Read more... )