The past few days have been interesting My birthday was a few days ago and the last few birthdays haven't been the greatest but this particular one was nice. On my actual birthday it snowed, me and mat watched a few movies after he got off work and he cooked me a pasta dinner. At work the kids sang me Happy Birthday, I passed out donuts as treats ( Read more... )

Withdrawal sucks but it eventually get's better right? Its hard to tell sometimes because I can't remember anything anymore. I know I am depressed and have had suicidal thoughts a lot lately and tonight is one of those nights worse than usual.

My sister had a still birth and delivered by c-section October 7th the funeral was October 12th and I got to hold him even though he was dead and my sister got to hold him and spend 3 days with him before he was sent to the funeral home. he was only one pound and 15 ounces. My depression was ok for a couple of months I am back on anti-depressants ( Read more... )

My sister's baby is dying and my depression has been bad lately but better at the same time. She will have her Baby November 1rst (C-section) and he will probably only live a few hours if that he was diagnosed with a terminal prognosis (Trisomy 18). I am proud of her for a few reasons she is donating his heart valve once he passes and I find that ( Read more... )

I have decided to make a few drastic changes to alleviate some of the depression and anxiety. I will be leaving on a last minute vacation with my family on tuesday, to see family I haven't seen in 7 years. I then plan to start a 10 day juice fast upon returning. Mat mainly sparked my interest in juice fasting. I have also read up a lot on it and am ( Read more... )

It seems that this is the first place I turn to when I hit my lows. I really wish I didn't feel this bad. I have come to realize that life isn't always happy. The more I think about everything that has happened this year the more I want to go away. I want to at least be content for a majority of my week. I am lucky if I can make it through the end ( Read more... )

I miss you, and I am sorry the positive, wonderful, and happy part of you died when you really started to understand me. The positive energy you used to have has saved me from myself.

Things will get better I promise. I am making that promise to myself even though I don't feel I can really trust myself. the 3rd was 5 years that me and mat got together though we have been friends a total of 7 or 8 years I really don't remember, though I would like to find out :) and the 4th made 1 year that we have been married. I have a fondness ( Read more... )

I miss parts of myself, the ones that I forgot or grew out of. This journal has showed me a lot. The pieces of my former self. It seems the common thread is pain. I am too dependent.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I should be happy. I have a lot, but most of it doesn't phase me, because all I can think about is killing myself. I need something, I need to feel normal. July makes 2 years since my R.A diagnose and recently after obtaining my health records I have realized it's coming up on 11 years since my diagnosis of depression ( Read more... )