Love, 3/5. NC-17
Unexpected free time today, so hey, have some smut. I definitely won't be posting next week, and we'll see if I've recovered enough from vacation to restart on Tuesday after that. :)
Title: Love
Series: #21 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime, #11 - Open Your Eyes, #12 - Can't Be Ignored, #13 - Make You Ill, #14 - Aim Straight, #15 - Not The First Time, #16 - Friendly Fire, #17 - Relieved, #18 - Release, #19 - Never Noticed, #20 - How You Live And Breathe)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/Bucky, Clint/Darcy
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse. Warning for mentions of suicide.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to the rest of MCU.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups.
Summary: There are many different ways to express emotion, affection and love. There are just as many different ways to protect others.
Prior chapters:
One - New Faces
Two - Bad Days
Three - Ownership
The glamour covering Natasha and Loki as they descended into the West fourth street subway station was fairly unnecessary, but he insisted on it. "There are those that prefer to assault me," Loki admitted. "They tell me so all the time in Wednesday meetings."
He sounded so glum about it that Natasha took his hand and pulled him aside before they even got to the turnstiles to present their MetroCards. "Hey. That bothers you, doesn't it?"
Loki was wearing a Hispanic face, his hair shorter and close cropped. It was odd to hear his accented voice out of that face, and made her wonder what appearance he had given her. "I don't wish this realm harm. I didn't really, even when I was here years ago. I truly didn't want to raze it to the ground. Just rule it."
"And every war has casualties," she replied in a neutral tone of voice.
"Exactly."
"How did you expect a conquered people to behave when they saw you?"
"With due deference, of course," he replied without thinking.
"And now that you've been among us, fought with us, learned about us... How accurate is that kind of thinking?"
Loki at least had the grace to look abashed. "You were supposed to be backward boors."
Natasha merely smirked at him and pulled away from him so she could head toward the turnstiles. "Surprise."
With a sigh, he followed her and actually acted like an ordinary New Yorker using the subway system to get uptown and into Queens. At this time of day, the subway car wasn't too busy, so they both got seats in the corner. Natasha ducked her head close to his. "It's not Marissa that's bothering you," she observed. "Not really."
"Two practitioners of earth magic die, all trace of life snuffed out. Odd feelings while working spells..." At her look of confusion, Loki gestured between them. "This is simple seidr. An illusion spell. It should feel seamless."
"It does to me."
He shook his head sharply. "No. The illusion isn't settling in right. There's something odd about it, and that troubles me. My gifts are not hampered. Wanda has her skill to develop. But it's as if something is interfering with magic on this world."
"Then maybe instead of a session, you should be visiting one of your hideaways on Yggdrasil and test magic there."
His breath faltered and he shook his head. "The calm you give me would be best right now."
Taking his hand in hers, Natasha gave it a squeeze. "Because then we have time together again, just us two. You miss that, when it was just the two of us."
"I get jealous of him. But I'm not at the same time. He doesn't seek to monopolize your affections the way I do. It doesn't hurt him to know I care for you. That I love you."
"It doesn't," Natasha agreed. "He knows how he feels about me, how I feel about him. It's not something that's going to change just because you're part of my life now."
The words seemed to settle some of his agitation. When did this stop being such a prickly dance for her? Was it on Asgard or after she got back from being on the run? Natasha couldn't tell, but Loki had definitely gotten easier for her to read and respond to. She didn't feel as though she was trying quite so hard, or that she had to hide her motives from him.
Maybe that was it. Because there really weren't lies between them. There really weren't tensions she had to balance. There was no accounting to keep any longer.
They were silent as they left the subway and walked toward the apartment building. Loki didn't drop the illusions until they were inside the apartment, alarms in place and armed once more. It was surprising for Natasha to see the vulnerable expression on his face.
"Loki," she murmured, reaching up to touch his face. His breath caught as her fingertips brushed against his cheek. "What is it?"
"I don't feel good. I don't feel right. I don't... I don't understand it. I've pushed myself past this feeling for some time now, but now that I'm here with you..."
"You don't have to," Natasha completed for him. He nodded, and reached out to rest a hand on her hip. His touch was light, hesitant, nothing like the demanding figure he tended to be.
"Is it because of James being with me? Or nearly losing me to the Red Room?"
Loki pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. She was wearing flats, so her head tucked neatly underneath his chin. That seemed to soothe him a bit. "I don't know. Maybe. I told you I get jealous of him. I can't lose you. I won't lose you."
Natasha thought of all the other variations of this statement through the years, the different ways he had shown how unstable he was without her. His behavior had quieted and become less erratic, but it all came down to what she thought of him, what their relationship was. If she ever walked away and thought the trouble wasn't worth it anymore...
Letting out a soft, sighing breath, Natasha patted his chest. "You won't lose me, Loki." He would have to be an even bigger piece of shit to force her to cut ties with him, if only because of her fears for New York and the rest of the world. But also, she recognized the lost feelings he had. She understood how his mind worked, scarily enough. She knew how to handle him when no one else really could. Of anyone, she could pull him back from the brink and get him back on track again. She had even done it when he was under the influence of Amora's rings.
Patting his chest, she pushed back until he let go of her. "We're going to begin now, Loki."
He licked his lips as he nodded, anticipation and need causing his pupils to blow wide open. "Yes, Natasha," he murmured, reverence in his tone.
"Get into the bedroom and strip naked. Fold your clothes and put them on the dresser."
Natasha watched him turn and do as she told him without question. She went to the kitchen for a glass of water and decided to put a few ice cubes in the glass in case she opted for temperature play. There wasn't much as provisions in the apartment, given that they usually weren't there for meals, but snacks and easily prepared things that didn't need refrigeration were stored. She opened a bag of pretzels and munched on a handful to give Loki enough time to undress. It wasn't likely that he would try to push her by disobeying.
And indeed he hadn't. He stood with his back to the door, proof of his trust in her not to harm him when vulnerable. It was a fairly relaxed stance, hair hanging loose and nearly to his shoulders now. That reminded her of James, and that she should probably offer to cut his hair if it got in his way. Obviously, he wouldn't trust anyone else to do it.
She stepped forward and put the glass down on top of his clothes in lieu of a coaster. She slid her hands across his back, admiring the way he stayed in the relaxed pose. "I want you to conjure a long black ribbon on the bed," she said, voice husky yet forceful. "I'm going to tie you up. After that, you don't use your magic again until I say you can."
The shiver rolling through him at her words was clearly anticipation. Natasha saw his cock stir, and a little smile quirked her lips. Oh, yes, she was very much in charge today.
Loki didn't even need to wave his hands in order to create a coil of black ribbon about two inches wide. He stepped forward at the push against his back, her unspoken command to move forward, toward the bed. Taking the ribbon coil, Natasha set about to winding it around him, starting with his right ankle. A loose knot held it in place, then she moved up his leg to his groin, around his torso, then to his right arm. "On the bed, all fours," she murmured, but he responded as quickly as if she had shouted. Once he was in position, she brought the ribbon from his right wrist to his left, then started to wind it around his left arm. This time, she did a loop up to loosely bring his hair away from his neck in a ponytail before winding it back down over his torso again. The coil still unrolled more ribbon, making her smirk at him. "You set this to be as long as I needed, didn't you?" she remarked.
"Yes," he replied, voice slightly raspy even though his breathing was even. "If that was to be my only spell, I wanted to make it count."
Natasha bent down and pressed her lips against an exposed bit of skin along his spine. "Mmm. So thoughtful, Loki. So good." Moving her hand across his back, she reached beneath him to stroke his cock. "You're going to be a good boy for me today, aren't you?"
"Yes," he whispered, his eyes sliding shut.
Lightly scratching his balls with a nail, Natasha smiled against his back. "Good. Keep doing that, and you'll have such delicious rewards."
"Please," he whispered, hips tilting to give her better access.
"For right now, just feel what I'm doing. I don't even want to hear you speak unless I specifically ask you a question."
Natasha ran her nails along the ribbon, then the skin exposed between bands of ribbon. She was silent at first, listening to the ragged breathing as Loki struggled to retain his position and not writhe or arch his back like a cat. This was a chaos godlike figure, she reminded herself. Trickster. It was an apt codename for SHIELD, just as hers was. People died because of her, of their association with her, or died at her hand. A tangled web of associations surrounded her. she was complicated, even when trying to keep things simple.
Loki let out a ragged groan when her fingers brushed against the small of his back. Soft padding at her fingertips, then nails, then back again. Ribbon then bare flesh. Then, though he obviously wanted to protest, she retrieved her glass from the dresser. His back was flat enough to keep the glass steady after she drank the melted ice water, and she watched him suppress a shiver at the cold on his back.
"Good," she murmured. She could likely patronize him further if she said "good boy," but it felt wrong here. She wasn't doing age play, wasn't interested in wading through that minefield of issues. He called her a darling girl or pet, but that didn't feel right for her either.
"Darling," she said, voice dropping into a husky tone, and he made a strangled noise of desire. There. That would be it. Just darling or his name, no diminuitives or pet names. This wasn't meant to be demeaning, after all. He might feel humiliated later, but she understood what he was after much better than he did, understood his pet names for her during play as his need for domination and affection in equal measure.
Of anyone, she knew how important words were.
"You're being so good for me," Natasha continued, her voice like liquid sex. The ice was cold as she took it out of the glass, likely colder still against the sensitized skin of his back. "You can talk if you need to, Loki. You're being good for me, no other thoughts than me."
"Never," he gasped. "Natasha," he added, a pleading note to his voice. "I want to come."
"When I say," she reminded him. Her hand at his hip felt the tremors as he struggled to rein himself in. "Obey, Loki. You know I reward you when you do."
"I'm trying."
"And you try so hard," Natasha crooned, moving the melting ice cube. "You can be so good for me, darling Loki."
His hair hid his face from her view, just as it had the first time he had been in this position for her. This time, she knew his body better. She knew his responses, knew his needs.
"I want to be-" he choked.
Dipping the ice cube down to his ass, Natasha nodded, even though he couldn't see her. "You want to be good for me. You want to be worthy."
Another choked sobbing sound, though she wasn't sure if it was her words or the ice cube at the puckered entrance to his ass.
"Loki," she purred, swirling the ice cube in place and running her nails along the bare skin of his hip. "You can be so good for me. Fascinating. Or frustrating."
"I can't help it. It's in my nature."
"Chaos personified."
"Yes," he groaned, and Natasha pressed her lips to his hip as she shifted her hand to caress his stomach as the ice cube moved to his thigh.
"And you want me to limit you. To control you," she purred, moving the ice cube to the base of his cock. "To own you."
Loki hissed. "You don't own me..."
"Don't lie," Natasha said sharply, raking her nails down a stripe of bare skin. For good measure, she did it again. "Lying means I have to punish you. That you aren't being good, and you know one of the worst things you can do here is lie to me."
"You don't own me," Loki insisted, anger in his tone.
Natasha dropped the ice cube and reached over to yank his hair, snapping his head back. "You were being so good a moment ago. I suppose I've been too lax with you." Her stern tone made his cock twitch. "You want to be. But then out comes the chaos. Out comes the behavior that destroys everything you want." She yanked harder on his hair and spanked him with the flat of her hand. "Lying gets you nowhere with me, Loki. You know I don't tolerate that bullshit in here," she said, punctuating her words with spanks. His breath hitched, but he was steady, the glass on his back not even moving.
He hadn't planned on provoking her, that was clear, but she couldn't let it go unchallenged. There was no literal bill of sale, of course, but in this apartment, in these sessions, he belonged to her.
Leaving the bed, she returned with the belt from his pile of clothing from the dresser. "You still have lessons to learn, Loki," she told him sternly. "This is for your own good. So you can obey me, so I can reward you, so you can be whole and worthy."
"I'm trying!" he wailed.
The challenge to her authority must have been an instinctual reaction before slipping toward subspace. She would simply have to help him the rest of the way.
"When you submit to me, there are no challenges, no worries, no pain. I take care of you, don't I?" she asked.
"Yes, Natasha."
"Obedience, Loki. Freedom in obedience."
"Yes, Natasha," he whispered.
"Who do you belong to?"
He paused. "To me."
"Wrong answer," Natasha replied in chilly tones. "Count them out, Loki. Ten strokes."
"No, I don't want them!" Loki wailed, shaking his head. It jostled the glass a little, but it remained in place. Not bad, given she'd never expressly mentioned it.
"Count them. Don't miss, or I'll have to start over."
He wailed like a frustrated child, at first refusing to count out the strikes from the belt. It was folded over to prevent any cuts from the leather edges, the buckled closed inside her fist. It wasn't until the eighth stroke that he started counting, but he did do it properly.
She dropped the belt and then kissed the rising welts gently. "Oh, Loki," she murmured, reaching for the ice. "Why do you fight me so hard?"
Loki whimpered and sniffled, his hair covering his face from her view. It was likely a blotchy mess from crying during the belt strikes. "My nature. I am broken still. I always will be. I am argr, aren't I?"
She chuckled gently and applied ice to the welts, soothing them. "No, Loki. You're spoiled. There's a difference. You're a spoiled prince that never really had to work for anything. Studying doesn't count, you like that even as it frustrates you. But as prince, you didn't have to really earn anything. You didn't really fight, didn't struggle to survive. You had no limits and believed yourself superior to all others."
"It was true," Loki sniffled.
Natasha licked a welt once the ice completely melted. "No, it wasn't. Propaganda and lies. You know that. You were a prince, and you were spoiled, and you didn't know how to deal with pain. That's why you hate Thor. That's why you fight. That's why you lie. If others can feel a fraction of your hurt and misery, you won't feel so alone."
Loki's breath hitched as if he was going to cry again. "Oh, how you despise me."
"No."
"Or pity me."
"No."
"Why not?" he cried, turning his head slightly. He couldn't really see her, not with her mouth at the welts on his ass. "Why don't you hate me if I hate myself?"
"Because you don't know any better. You never learned how. You don't understand mercy or kindness or grace as we do because you've never head to learn it. But you've started to, haven't you? That's why you help Sam, why you went with him and Clint and Steve to Japan. It's why you help Maria now as the Trickster."
"That's boredom."
"That's your search for redemption. That's you trying to balance your own ledger."
And it suddenly clicked for him, because the tension bled right out of his limbs. "Oh," he whispered, tone reverent and hushed, as if this was a sacred space. "That's why it doesn't hurt as badly now."
"That's why," Natasha agreed. She kissed a welt, already mostly healed. "And it's easier to obey me, isn't it? Hard sometimes, but not as much as it used to be."
"I think," Loki began, voice warbling with emotion, "that it always will."
"Probably. But that's why I'm here. That's why we do this. I take you down when you go too far. I tell you the truth you don't want to hear."
"You've never lied to me," he agreed, "not really."
"Anything I lied about wasn't intentional."
"And you don't want to hurt me."
"No," Natasha agreed, "I don't." She licked a stripe where a welt used to be, watching him shiver in delight. There. Dropping down nicely into subspace, calm and not jittery. "I discipline you if you need it, but I never hurt you for no reason."
"You care for me," Loki said, his voice taking on that almost-slurred cadence she was looking for. The sound of it made her smile.
"Yes," Natasha murmured, licking again. "I do."
She even meant it, and they both knew it.
Loki sighed happily, limbs loose and pliant beneath her hands. "Then yes, I am yours. You do own me."
"Of course I do," she chuckled, bringing her hands to his ass cheeks. "Never forget that."
Before he could answer, she dipped her tongue down to the puckered entrance to his ass and began to lick. He gave a strangled groan of pleasure, tilting his hips just slightly so her face wouldn't be mashed so hard against him.
Natasha rimmed him in earnest, licking him loose enough to get the tip of her tongue inside him, to have his cock wet and weeping onto the bed. "I could make you come like this, couldn't I?" she asked, resting her jaw and tongue a moment. Loki only groaned, incoherent already. "I own this ass, Loki. I could fuck it any way I want, give you such pleasure. You'll take what I give you, love it, crave it, want more." He groaned as she spoke, a low, throaty sound that shot straight to her own groin. Damn, her nipples were probably hard, because her bra was feeling too constricting and irritating.
She pulled back to strip off her clothes carelessly. Taking the glass, she drank the melted contents again and put the glass aside. Going for the lube, she coated her fingers liberally and then slid one inside easily. Loki eagerly tilted his hips for her, a throaty moan indicating his approval of this plan.
"What a greedy little ass you have," Natasha said, smiling in amusement. She slipped another finger inside him, setting him to keening. "How many fingers will I get to feed you?" He was too gone to answer, and she had to repress the urge to giggle. Who would've thought it would come to this?
Stroking him from the inside out, Natasha hummed contently as he moaned wantonly. She curled her fingers, hooking them to rube his prostate. He keened, throwing his head back.
"Don't come," she commanded. "Can't end the fun too soon, Loki."
"Can't," he howled, a fine tremor in his body.
"Of course you can. You're mine, Loki. Do you really think I would choose someone incapable of my little requests?"
Loki panted, tremors growing in amplitude. He made an attempt at speech, but it was still garbled due to his moans. Natasha slid her free hand up and down a thigh, grounding him, then moved it along his spine.
"You're doing well," she crooned, blowing her breath along his hip. "Hold on for me." Her fingers pressed up against his prostate, sending him to keening again. "You can do it, Loki. Focus on me, on my voice, on what I want for you. I want this, Loki. I want you to hold back until I tell you. You want me happy, don't you?" she wheedled, curling her fingers slightly.
"Y-y-yes," Loki stammered. He groaned, long and throaty, and his moan almost sounded like he was saying "Please."
"Please what?"
"Wanna... come," he gasped. "P-please..."
"A little longer," Natasha replied, moving her free hand around to stroke his stomach. "Be good for me, darling," she crooned, running her fingernails along his skin. Loki shuddered, breath stuttering. He was hanging on by a thread, slender and fragile, trying to follow her command. It was obvious he far gone into subspace, no will of his own but for what she wanted of him, no thought or worry.
"Come for me," Natasha said, bent over him, mouth near his ribs.
Loki groaned and released his hold, his entire body grown lax as he came, shooting onto the bed.
She let him collapse and roll onto his back. He didn't care about being in the wet spot, instead looking at her nudity with undisguised interest and appreciation. Natasha knelt beside him, skimming her hands over his beribboned flesh. "I'm not through with you yet."
He grinned at her, lips stretched wide and lazy, eyes dancing in delight. "Oh. Oh," he murmured as her hand closed over his soft cock. "I love you."
"I know."
"I adore you."
"Of course you do."
"I'd do anything for you."
"As well you should."
Loki's soft smile widened, and he chuckled. "So sure of yourself," he said, voice still slurry.
Natasha straddled him, then leaned forward, propping herself up over him, hands on either side of his head. "Entirely deserved."
"Yes, it is."
"You please me, Loki."
His breath caught, eyes wide. "Natasha."
He had put his arms over his head when she rolled him onto his back, and she brought them down to the juncture of her thigh. Loki caught the hint immediately and began to finger her. Natasha gave him an encouraging smile as he shifted his hands enough to slide a finger from one hand inside her slit and the other kept rubbing at her clit. Her soft moans egged him on, and Natasha could feel his cock twitch behind her.
Maintaining eye contact with him, Natasha smiled and murmured how good his touch felt, how much she wanted to ride his cock, how he was being so good for her. His eyes shone with utter adoration, his clever fingers working her just as she liked it. He continued even after she came, until she shook with a second orgasm.
"Get harder," she groaned. "I wanna fuck you. I want you inside me. I want your cock in me when I come."
Loki groaned, biting his lip. "Magic? I'm close to ready, but..."
"Magic," Natasha agreed, teeth bared in a feral grin.
The spell was like warmth shooting between her legs, and his cock behind her hardened. She lifted her hips and reached between them to guide his cock inside her. Loki moaned a little at the sensation as Natasha let out a pleased sigh.
She rode him hard, throaty groans erupting as she threw her head back. "Fuck yes," she moaned. "That's good, right there. Don't you dare come until I tell you. I'm gonna fuck hard. Fuck," she moaned. "Gimme this. Gimme what I want."
"Always," Loki promised, eagerly reaching for her clit again. He rubbed at it as she continued to move, hard and fast, and had an almost feral grin on his face as she came, clenching down hard on his cock and groaning.
"You can make the ribbon go away. And come, if you need to," Natasha added as she fell forward on top of him. The ribbon disappeared, and his arms encircled her, holding her tightly.
"I love you," he murmured softly.
Natasha nuzzled his neck and pressed her lips against it in a kiss. She couldn't answer in kind, he knew that, and she wouldn't lie to him in this state.
"Thank you for that gift," she said instead.
He was pleased that she valued his love, even if she didn't feel the same. He would take what he could get, and she would give what she could. It was the best that they could do.
***
"You were gone a long time," James remarked when Natasha returned to the Tower. Natasha shrugged, not bothering to say anything, making him sigh. "You don't trust me after all."
"No, James. Never that. Loki and I had a session, is all."
"Didn't want me there?" he asked, concerned.
"He needed time alone." At his amused expression, Natasha rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. He and I, without you. Just like I'm sure we need to set aside time that's just us two, no Loki. I don't want to lose us in the shuffle."
"You won't lose me," he promised.
"I don't want to take that chance," Natasha murmured.
James pulled her into his embrace. "I love you, Natalia Alianovna Romanova. As far back as I can remember, I've loved you."
"Isn't that my line?" she teased.
"Naw." He kissed her soundly on the mouth. "You don't have to feel bad on my account."
"This isn't the Red Room. It's not Department X. You have a choice. You can tell me no if you don't like it."
James drew in a breath. "Natalia, you have choices, too. We all do, and it's..."
"Overwhelming?" Natasha guessed. He nodded, and she held him tightly. She ran her hands down his back in a possessive gesture, which soothed him. "It was like that for me, too, at first."
"So how'd you get over it?"
"I went slow," she said. "Try to figure out what I liked, not just as a cover identity. I made little choices each day, then from little ones to big ones. It's a question of practice, really."
"Yeah, well, I'm not a fan of practice."
Natasha had to laugh. "I remember that. Almost always making you angry about all the practice sessions I needed in training."
James' eyes flickered. "I remember. I remember too many things now. What they wanted me to forget, what they had me do..." She could feel the tremors in his body, and tightened her hold on him. "God, Natalia, I remember."
Because PTSD wasn't just an issue with remembering, it was an issue with being incapable of forgetting, too.
"The therapist I've seen isn't bad," Natasha began slowly. "But the treatment for this is talking it out. Putting the stories back together in context."
"I know the stories. I can't fucking forget them!"
"Because of what Zola did," Natasha said softly. "I've thought about it, after Steve's theory of why they had to wipe you so often. You wouldn't willingly do what they asked of you. They had to empty your mind."
James nodded sharply, unhappy and tense.
"They did it so often because you kept coming back," Natasha said softly. "You have a version of the serum, James. It was trying to fix the brain damage they kept giving you. You were remembering because you were healing."
The look of horror on his face hurt to see, but it had to be said.
"So more are gonna come back," he rasped.
"I think so. It's random, good and bad, because it will depend on what damage gets reversed. I'll be here with you, but..."
"I did you wrong, too," James said, looking away in shame.
"At Department X's behest," she said quickly.
"I wish I could make it up to you. Erase it somehow."
She ran her fingers through his hair. "We erase it bit by bit, then. Starting with this. Let me cut this off."
"And what? Look like a soldier?" he scoffed.
"Look like James Buchanan Barnes," she corrected. "Look like Bucky. Like my James. Like whoever you want to be."
"And if I don't know?"
"Then we'll figure it out together."
James sighed and shook his head. "Look... I don't know how to do this. Almost seventy years, I wasn't a person. I had no identity. You can't expect me to know how to do this."
Natasha looked at him with a sad expression. "Because you're comfortable with orders."
"Yes. No." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I don't know. That's the point, Natalia. Some days are good. I'm a person, I know what I'm doing, I can get by. Other days are bad ones. I'm the Asset. I'm playing at humanity, but I'm biding my time."
Cradling his face in her hands, Natasha searched his expression. "If I was your handler," she began slowly.
"Natalia, don't. Don't. I've seen you broken, run ragged. I can't do that to you. I can't let you do this for me."
"Of course I will, James. I meant it. I'll help however I can, whatever you need, until the bad days aren't so frequent." She leaned in and kissed him, soft and slow. "It doesn't have to be like it is for Loki. I don't have to hit you or demean you. You just need orders, right?"
"It makes it easier to cope," he hedged.
"I can give orders for all kinds of things. You can clean my guns, sharpen my knives, scrub my bathroom floors..." They both laughed at that, and Natasha pulled him in for another kiss. "I would never ask anything dangerous or difficult, James. Never. You have never been the Asset to me."
"I know," he said softly, smiling gently. "On good days, I remember that. It keeps me going."
"And today is a good day," she guessed.
"Today is a good day."
"Then let's go out. Something stupid, like a dirty water hot dog and sitting in Central Park."
James shot her a goofy grin. "I like the sound of that. Just us two, nowhere to be."
"Exactly. And we'll walk through the park, be back in time for yoga with Bruce."
He nodded. "Okay. But first, you're cutting my hair. Short, like when I first enlisted."
Natasha grinned. "I can do that."
It was indeed a good day.
***
***
To Chapter Four - Dinner And Dancing
Title: Love
Series: #21 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime, #11 - Open Your Eyes, #12 - Can't Be Ignored, #13 - Make You Ill, #14 - Aim Straight, #15 - Not The First Time, #16 - Friendly Fire, #17 - Relieved, #18 - Release, #19 - Never Noticed, #20 - How You Live And Breathe)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/Bucky, Clint/Darcy
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse. Warning for mentions of suicide.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to the rest of MCU.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups.
Summary: There are many different ways to express emotion, affection and love. There are just as many different ways to protect others.
Prior chapters:
One - New Faces
Two - Bad Days
Three - Ownership
The glamour covering Natasha and Loki as they descended into the West fourth street subway station was fairly unnecessary, but he insisted on it. "There are those that prefer to assault me," Loki admitted. "They tell me so all the time in Wednesday meetings."
He sounded so glum about it that Natasha took his hand and pulled him aside before they even got to the turnstiles to present their MetroCards. "Hey. That bothers you, doesn't it?"
Loki was wearing a Hispanic face, his hair shorter and close cropped. It was odd to hear his accented voice out of that face, and made her wonder what appearance he had given her. "I don't wish this realm harm. I didn't really, even when I was here years ago. I truly didn't want to raze it to the ground. Just rule it."
"And every war has casualties," she replied in a neutral tone of voice.
"Exactly."
"How did you expect a conquered people to behave when they saw you?"
"With due deference, of course," he replied without thinking.
"And now that you've been among us, fought with us, learned about us... How accurate is that kind of thinking?"
Loki at least had the grace to look abashed. "You were supposed to be backward boors."
Natasha merely smirked at him and pulled away from him so she could head toward the turnstiles. "Surprise."
With a sigh, he followed her and actually acted like an ordinary New Yorker using the subway system to get uptown and into Queens. At this time of day, the subway car wasn't too busy, so they both got seats in the corner. Natasha ducked her head close to his. "It's not Marissa that's bothering you," she observed. "Not really."
"Two practitioners of earth magic die, all trace of life snuffed out. Odd feelings while working spells..." At her look of confusion, Loki gestured between them. "This is simple seidr. An illusion spell. It should feel seamless."
"It does to me."
He shook his head sharply. "No. The illusion isn't settling in right. There's something odd about it, and that troubles me. My gifts are not hampered. Wanda has her skill to develop. But it's as if something is interfering with magic on this world."
"Then maybe instead of a session, you should be visiting one of your hideaways on Yggdrasil and test magic there."
His breath faltered and he shook his head. "The calm you give me would be best right now."
Taking his hand in hers, Natasha gave it a squeeze. "Because then we have time together again, just us two. You miss that, when it was just the two of us."
"I get jealous of him. But I'm not at the same time. He doesn't seek to monopolize your affections the way I do. It doesn't hurt him to know I care for you. That I love you."
"It doesn't," Natasha agreed. "He knows how he feels about me, how I feel about him. It's not something that's going to change just because you're part of my life now."
The words seemed to settle some of his agitation. When did this stop being such a prickly dance for her? Was it on Asgard or after she got back from being on the run? Natasha couldn't tell, but Loki had definitely gotten easier for her to read and respond to. She didn't feel as though she was trying quite so hard, or that she had to hide her motives from him.
Maybe that was it. Because there really weren't lies between them. There really weren't tensions she had to balance. There was no accounting to keep any longer.
They were silent as they left the subway and walked toward the apartment building. Loki didn't drop the illusions until they were inside the apartment, alarms in place and armed once more. It was surprising for Natasha to see the vulnerable expression on his face.
"Loki," she murmured, reaching up to touch his face. His breath caught as her fingertips brushed against his cheek. "What is it?"
"I don't feel good. I don't feel right. I don't... I don't understand it. I've pushed myself past this feeling for some time now, but now that I'm here with you..."
"You don't have to," Natasha completed for him. He nodded, and reached out to rest a hand on her hip. His touch was light, hesitant, nothing like the demanding figure he tended to be.
"Is it because of James being with me? Or nearly losing me to the Red Room?"
Loki pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. She was wearing flats, so her head tucked neatly underneath his chin. That seemed to soothe him a bit. "I don't know. Maybe. I told you I get jealous of him. I can't lose you. I won't lose you."
Natasha thought of all the other variations of this statement through the years, the different ways he had shown how unstable he was without her. His behavior had quieted and become less erratic, but it all came down to what she thought of him, what their relationship was. If she ever walked away and thought the trouble wasn't worth it anymore...
Letting out a soft, sighing breath, Natasha patted his chest. "You won't lose me, Loki." He would have to be an even bigger piece of shit to force her to cut ties with him, if only because of her fears for New York and the rest of the world. But also, she recognized the lost feelings he had. She understood how his mind worked, scarily enough. She knew how to handle him when no one else really could. Of anyone, she could pull him back from the brink and get him back on track again. She had even done it when he was under the influence of Amora's rings.
Patting his chest, she pushed back until he let go of her. "We're going to begin now, Loki."
He licked his lips as he nodded, anticipation and need causing his pupils to blow wide open. "Yes, Natasha," he murmured, reverence in his tone.
"Get into the bedroom and strip naked. Fold your clothes and put them on the dresser."
Natasha watched him turn and do as she told him without question. She went to the kitchen for a glass of water and decided to put a few ice cubes in the glass in case she opted for temperature play. There wasn't much as provisions in the apartment, given that they usually weren't there for meals, but snacks and easily prepared things that didn't need refrigeration were stored. She opened a bag of pretzels and munched on a handful to give Loki enough time to undress. It wasn't likely that he would try to push her by disobeying.
And indeed he hadn't. He stood with his back to the door, proof of his trust in her not to harm him when vulnerable. It was a fairly relaxed stance, hair hanging loose and nearly to his shoulders now. That reminded her of James, and that she should probably offer to cut his hair if it got in his way. Obviously, he wouldn't trust anyone else to do it.
She stepped forward and put the glass down on top of his clothes in lieu of a coaster. She slid her hands across his back, admiring the way he stayed in the relaxed pose. "I want you to conjure a long black ribbon on the bed," she said, voice husky yet forceful. "I'm going to tie you up. After that, you don't use your magic again until I say you can."
The shiver rolling through him at her words was clearly anticipation. Natasha saw his cock stir, and a little smile quirked her lips. Oh, yes, she was very much in charge today.
Loki didn't even need to wave his hands in order to create a coil of black ribbon about two inches wide. He stepped forward at the push against his back, her unspoken command to move forward, toward the bed. Taking the ribbon coil, Natasha set about to winding it around him, starting with his right ankle. A loose knot held it in place, then she moved up his leg to his groin, around his torso, then to his right arm. "On the bed, all fours," she murmured, but he responded as quickly as if she had shouted. Once he was in position, she brought the ribbon from his right wrist to his left, then started to wind it around his left arm. This time, she did a loop up to loosely bring his hair away from his neck in a ponytail before winding it back down over his torso again. The coil still unrolled more ribbon, making her smirk at him. "You set this to be as long as I needed, didn't you?" she remarked.
"Yes," he replied, voice slightly raspy even though his breathing was even. "If that was to be my only spell, I wanted to make it count."
Natasha bent down and pressed her lips against an exposed bit of skin along his spine. "Mmm. So thoughtful, Loki. So good." Moving her hand across his back, she reached beneath him to stroke his cock. "You're going to be a good boy for me today, aren't you?"
"Yes," he whispered, his eyes sliding shut.
Lightly scratching his balls with a nail, Natasha smiled against his back. "Good. Keep doing that, and you'll have such delicious rewards."
"Please," he whispered, hips tilting to give her better access.
"For right now, just feel what I'm doing. I don't even want to hear you speak unless I specifically ask you a question."
Natasha ran her nails along the ribbon, then the skin exposed between bands of ribbon. She was silent at first, listening to the ragged breathing as Loki struggled to retain his position and not writhe or arch his back like a cat. This was a chaos godlike figure, she reminded herself. Trickster. It was an apt codename for SHIELD, just as hers was. People died because of her, of their association with her, or died at her hand. A tangled web of associations surrounded her. she was complicated, even when trying to keep things simple.
Loki let out a ragged groan when her fingers brushed against the small of his back. Soft padding at her fingertips, then nails, then back again. Ribbon then bare flesh. Then, though he obviously wanted to protest, she retrieved her glass from the dresser. His back was flat enough to keep the glass steady after she drank the melted ice water, and she watched him suppress a shiver at the cold on his back.
"Good," she murmured. She could likely patronize him further if she said "good boy," but it felt wrong here. She wasn't doing age play, wasn't interested in wading through that minefield of issues. He called her a darling girl or pet, but that didn't feel right for her either.
"Darling," she said, voice dropping into a husky tone, and he made a strangled noise of desire. There. That would be it. Just darling or his name, no diminuitives or pet names. This wasn't meant to be demeaning, after all. He might feel humiliated later, but she understood what he was after much better than he did, understood his pet names for her during play as his need for domination and affection in equal measure.
Of anyone, she knew how important words were.
"You're being so good for me," Natasha continued, her voice like liquid sex. The ice was cold as she took it out of the glass, likely colder still against the sensitized skin of his back. "You can talk if you need to, Loki. You're being good for me, no other thoughts than me."
"Never," he gasped. "Natasha," he added, a pleading note to his voice. "I want to come."
"When I say," she reminded him. Her hand at his hip felt the tremors as he struggled to rein himself in. "Obey, Loki. You know I reward you when you do."
"I'm trying."
"And you try so hard," Natasha crooned, moving the melting ice cube. "You can be so good for me, darling Loki."
His hair hid his face from her view, just as it had the first time he had been in this position for her. This time, she knew his body better. She knew his responses, knew his needs.
"I want to be-" he choked.
Dipping the ice cube down to his ass, Natasha nodded, even though he couldn't see her. "You want to be good for me. You want to be worthy."
Another choked sobbing sound, though she wasn't sure if it was her words or the ice cube at the puckered entrance to his ass.
"Loki," she purred, swirling the ice cube in place and running her nails along the bare skin of his hip. "You can be so good for me. Fascinating. Or frustrating."
"I can't help it. It's in my nature."
"Chaos personified."
"Yes," he groaned, and Natasha pressed her lips to his hip as she shifted her hand to caress his stomach as the ice cube moved to his thigh.
"And you want me to limit you. To control you," she purred, moving the ice cube to the base of his cock. "To own you."
Loki hissed. "You don't own me..."
"Don't lie," Natasha said sharply, raking her nails down a stripe of bare skin. For good measure, she did it again. "Lying means I have to punish you. That you aren't being good, and you know one of the worst things you can do here is lie to me."
"You don't own me," Loki insisted, anger in his tone.
Natasha dropped the ice cube and reached over to yank his hair, snapping his head back. "You were being so good a moment ago. I suppose I've been too lax with you." Her stern tone made his cock twitch. "You want to be. But then out comes the chaos. Out comes the behavior that destroys everything you want." She yanked harder on his hair and spanked him with the flat of her hand. "Lying gets you nowhere with me, Loki. You know I don't tolerate that bullshit in here," she said, punctuating her words with spanks. His breath hitched, but he was steady, the glass on his back not even moving.
He hadn't planned on provoking her, that was clear, but she couldn't let it go unchallenged. There was no literal bill of sale, of course, but in this apartment, in these sessions, he belonged to her.
Leaving the bed, she returned with the belt from his pile of clothing from the dresser. "You still have lessons to learn, Loki," she told him sternly. "This is for your own good. So you can obey me, so I can reward you, so you can be whole and worthy."
"I'm trying!" he wailed.
The challenge to her authority must have been an instinctual reaction before slipping toward subspace. She would simply have to help him the rest of the way.
"When you submit to me, there are no challenges, no worries, no pain. I take care of you, don't I?" she asked.
"Yes, Natasha."
"Obedience, Loki. Freedom in obedience."
"Yes, Natasha," he whispered.
"Who do you belong to?"
He paused. "To me."
"Wrong answer," Natasha replied in chilly tones. "Count them out, Loki. Ten strokes."
"No, I don't want them!" Loki wailed, shaking his head. It jostled the glass a little, but it remained in place. Not bad, given she'd never expressly mentioned it.
"Count them. Don't miss, or I'll have to start over."
He wailed like a frustrated child, at first refusing to count out the strikes from the belt. It was folded over to prevent any cuts from the leather edges, the buckled closed inside her fist. It wasn't until the eighth stroke that he started counting, but he did do it properly.
She dropped the belt and then kissed the rising welts gently. "Oh, Loki," she murmured, reaching for the ice. "Why do you fight me so hard?"
Loki whimpered and sniffled, his hair covering his face from her view. It was likely a blotchy mess from crying during the belt strikes. "My nature. I am broken still. I always will be. I am argr, aren't I?"
She chuckled gently and applied ice to the welts, soothing them. "No, Loki. You're spoiled. There's a difference. You're a spoiled prince that never really had to work for anything. Studying doesn't count, you like that even as it frustrates you. But as prince, you didn't have to really earn anything. You didn't really fight, didn't struggle to survive. You had no limits and believed yourself superior to all others."
"It was true," Loki sniffled.
Natasha licked a welt once the ice completely melted. "No, it wasn't. Propaganda and lies. You know that. You were a prince, and you were spoiled, and you didn't know how to deal with pain. That's why you hate Thor. That's why you fight. That's why you lie. If others can feel a fraction of your hurt and misery, you won't feel so alone."
Loki's breath hitched as if he was going to cry again. "Oh, how you despise me."
"No."
"Or pity me."
"No."
"Why not?" he cried, turning his head slightly. He couldn't really see her, not with her mouth at the welts on his ass. "Why don't you hate me if I hate myself?"
"Because you don't know any better. You never learned how. You don't understand mercy or kindness or grace as we do because you've never head to learn it. But you've started to, haven't you? That's why you help Sam, why you went with him and Clint and Steve to Japan. It's why you help Maria now as the Trickster."
"That's boredom."
"That's your search for redemption. That's you trying to balance your own ledger."
And it suddenly clicked for him, because the tension bled right out of his limbs. "Oh," he whispered, tone reverent and hushed, as if this was a sacred space. "That's why it doesn't hurt as badly now."
"That's why," Natasha agreed. She kissed a welt, already mostly healed. "And it's easier to obey me, isn't it? Hard sometimes, but not as much as it used to be."
"I think," Loki began, voice warbling with emotion, "that it always will."
"Probably. But that's why I'm here. That's why we do this. I take you down when you go too far. I tell you the truth you don't want to hear."
"You've never lied to me," he agreed, "not really."
"Anything I lied about wasn't intentional."
"And you don't want to hurt me."
"No," Natasha agreed, "I don't." She licked a stripe where a welt used to be, watching him shiver in delight. There. Dropping down nicely into subspace, calm and not jittery. "I discipline you if you need it, but I never hurt you for no reason."
"You care for me," Loki said, his voice taking on that almost-slurred cadence she was looking for. The sound of it made her smile.
"Yes," Natasha murmured, licking again. "I do."
She even meant it, and they both knew it.
Loki sighed happily, limbs loose and pliant beneath her hands. "Then yes, I am yours. You do own me."
"Of course I do," she chuckled, bringing her hands to his ass cheeks. "Never forget that."
Before he could answer, she dipped her tongue down to the puckered entrance to his ass and began to lick. He gave a strangled groan of pleasure, tilting his hips just slightly so her face wouldn't be mashed so hard against him.
Natasha rimmed him in earnest, licking him loose enough to get the tip of her tongue inside him, to have his cock wet and weeping onto the bed. "I could make you come like this, couldn't I?" she asked, resting her jaw and tongue a moment. Loki only groaned, incoherent already. "I own this ass, Loki. I could fuck it any way I want, give you such pleasure. You'll take what I give you, love it, crave it, want more." He groaned as she spoke, a low, throaty sound that shot straight to her own groin. Damn, her nipples were probably hard, because her bra was feeling too constricting and irritating.
She pulled back to strip off her clothes carelessly. Taking the glass, she drank the melted contents again and put the glass aside. Going for the lube, she coated her fingers liberally and then slid one inside easily. Loki eagerly tilted his hips for her, a throaty moan indicating his approval of this plan.
"What a greedy little ass you have," Natasha said, smiling in amusement. She slipped another finger inside him, setting him to keening. "How many fingers will I get to feed you?" He was too gone to answer, and she had to repress the urge to giggle. Who would've thought it would come to this?
Stroking him from the inside out, Natasha hummed contently as he moaned wantonly. She curled her fingers, hooking them to rube his prostate. He keened, throwing his head back.
"Don't come," she commanded. "Can't end the fun too soon, Loki."
"Can't," he howled, a fine tremor in his body.
"Of course you can. You're mine, Loki. Do you really think I would choose someone incapable of my little requests?"
Loki panted, tremors growing in amplitude. He made an attempt at speech, but it was still garbled due to his moans. Natasha slid her free hand up and down a thigh, grounding him, then moved it along his spine.
"You're doing well," she crooned, blowing her breath along his hip. "Hold on for me." Her fingers pressed up against his prostate, sending him to keening again. "You can do it, Loki. Focus on me, on my voice, on what I want for you. I want this, Loki. I want you to hold back until I tell you. You want me happy, don't you?" she wheedled, curling her fingers slightly.
"Y-y-yes," Loki stammered. He groaned, long and throaty, and his moan almost sounded like he was saying "Please."
"Please what?"
"Wanna... come," he gasped. "P-please..."
"A little longer," Natasha replied, moving her free hand around to stroke his stomach. "Be good for me, darling," she crooned, running her fingernails along his skin. Loki shuddered, breath stuttering. He was hanging on by a thread, slender and fragile, trying to follow her command. It was obvious he far gone into subspace, no will of his own but for what she wanted of him, no thought or worry.
"Come for me," Natasha said, bent over him, mouth near his ribs.
Loki groaned and released his hold, his entire body grown lax as he came, shooting onto the bed.
She let him collapse and roll onto his back. He didn't care about being in the wet spot, instead looking at her nudity with undisguised interest and appreciation. Natasha knelt beside him, skimming her hands over his beribboned flesh. "I'm not through with you yet."
He grinned at her, lips stretched wide and lazy, eyes dancing in delight. "Oh. Oh," he murmured as her hand closed over his soft cock. "I love you."
"I know."
"I adore you."
"Of course you do."
"I'd do anything for you."
"As well you should."
Loki's soft smile widened, and he chuckled. "So sure of yourself," he said, voice still slurry.
Natasha straddled him, then leaned forward, propping herself up over him, hands on either side of his head. "Entirely deserved."
"Yes, it is."
"You please me, Loki."
His breath caught, eyes wide. "Natasha."
He had put his arms over his head when she rolled him onto his back, and she brought them down to the juncture of her thigh. Loki caught the hint immediately and began to finger her. Natasha gave him an encouraging smile as he shifted his hands enough to slide a finger from one hand inside her slit and the other kept rubbing at her clit. Her soft moans egged him on, and Natasha could feel his cock twitch behind her.
Maintaining eye contact with him, Natasha smiled and murmured how good his touch felt, how much she wanted to ride his cock, how he was being so good for her. His eyes shone with utter adoration, his clever fingers working her just as she liked it. He continued even after she came, until she shook with a second orgasm.
"Get harder," she groaned. "I wanna fuck you. I want you inside me. I want your cock in me when I come."
Loki groaned, biting his lip. "Magic? I'm close to ready, but..."
"Magic," Natasha agreed, teeth bared in a feral grin.
The spell was like warmth shooting between her legs, and his cock behind her hardened. She lifted her hips and reached between them to guide his cock inside her. Loki moaned a little at the sensation as Natasha let out a pleased sigh.
She rode him hard, throaty groans erupting as she threw her head back. "Fuck yes," she moaned. "That's good, right there. Don't you dare come until I tell you. I'm gonna fuck hard. Fuck," she moaned. "Gimme this. Gimme what I want."
"Always," Loki promised, eagerly reaching for her clit again. He rubbed at it as she continued to move, hard and fast, and had an almost feral grin on his face as she came, clenching down hard on his cock and groaning.
"You can make the ribbon go away. And come, if you need to," Natasha added as she fell forward on top of him. The ribbon disappeared, and his arms encircled her, holding her tightly.
"I love you," he murmured softly.
Natasha nuzzled his neck and pressed her lips against it in a kiss. She couldn't answer in kind, he knew that, and she wouldn't lie to him in this state.
"Thank you for that gift," she said instead.
He was pleased that she valued his love, even if she didn't feel the same. He would take what he could get, and she would give what she could. It was the best that they could do.
***
"You were gone a long time," James remarked when Natasha returned to the Tower. Natasha shrugged, not bothering to say anything, making him sigh. "You don't trust me after all."
"No, James. Never that. Loki and I had a session, is all."
"Didn't want me there?" he asked, concerned.
"He needed time alone." At his amused expression, Natasha rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. He and I, without you. Just like I'm sure we need to set aside time that's just us two, no Loki. I don't want to lose us in the shuffle."
"You won't lose me," he promised.
"I don't want to take that chance," Natasha murmured.
James pulled her into his embrace. "I love you, Natalia Alianovna Romanova. As far back as I can remember, I've loved you."
"Isn't that my line?" she teased.
"Naw." He kissed her soundly on the mouth. "You don't have to feel bad on my account."
"This isn't the Red Room. It's not Department X. You have a choice. You can tell me no if you don't like it."
James drew in a breath. "Natalia, you have choices, too. We all do, and it's..."
"Overwhelming?" Natasha guessed. He nodded, and she held him tightly. She ran her hands down his back in a possessive gesture, which soothed him. "It was like that for me, too, at first."
"So how'd you get over it?"
"I went slow," she said. "Try to figure out what I liked, not just as a cover identity. I made little choices each day, then from little ones to big ones. It's a question of practice, really."
"Yeah, well, I'm not a fan of practice."
Natasha had to laugh. "I remember that. Almost always making you angry about all the practice sessions I needed in training."
James' eyes flickered. "I remember. I remember too many things now. What they wanted me to forget, what they had me do..." She could feel the tremors in his body, and tightened her hold on him. "God, Natalia, I remember."
Because PTSD wasn't just an issue with remembering, it was an issue with being incapable of forgetting, too.
"The therapist I've seen isn't bad," Natasha began slowly. "But the treatment for this is talking it out. Putting the stories back together in context."
"I know the stories. I can't fucking forget them!"
"Because of what Zola did," Natasha said softly. "I've thought about it, after Steve's theory of why they had to wipe you so often. You wouldn't willingly do what they asked of you. They had to empty your mind."
James nodded sharply, unhappy and tense.
"They did it so often because you kept coming back," Natasha said softly. "You have a version of the serum, James. It was trying to fix the brain damage they kept giving you. You were remembering because you were healing."
The look of horror on his face hurt to see, but it had to be said.
"So more are gonna come back," he rasped.
"I think so. It's random, good and bad, because it will depend on what damage gets reversed. I'll be here with you, but..."
"I did you wrong, too," James said, looking away in shame.
"At Department X's behest," she said quickly.
"I wish I could make it up to you. Erase it somehow."
She ran her fingers through his hair. "We erase it bit by bit, then. Starting with this. Let me cut this off."
"And what? Look like a soldier?" he scoffed.
"Look like James Buchanan Barnes," she corrected. "Look like Bucky. Like my James. Like whoever you want to be."
"And if I don't know?"
"Then we'll figure it out together."
James sighed and shook his head. "Look... I don't know how to do this. Almost seventy years, I wasn't a person. I had no identity. You can't expect me to know how to do this."
Natasha looked at him with a sad expression. "Because you're comfortable with orders."
"Yes. No." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I don't know. That's the point, Natalia. Some days are good. I'm a person, I know what I'm doing, I can get by. Other days are bad ones. I'm the Asset. I'm playing at humanity, but I'm biding my time."
Cradling his face in her hands, Natasha searched his expression. "If I was your handler," she began slowly.
"Natalia, don't. Don't. I've seen you broken, run ragged. I can't do that to you. I can't let you do this for me."
"Of course I will, James. I meant it. I'll help however I can, whatever you need, until the bad days aren't so frequent." She leaned in and kissed him, soft and slow. "It doesn't have to be like it is for Loki. I don't have to hit you or demean you. You just need orders, right?"
"It makes it easier to cope," he hedged.
"I can give orders for all kinds of things. You can clean my guns, sharpen my knives, scrub my bathroom floors..." They both laughed at that, and Natasha pulled him in for another kiss. "I would never ask anything dangerous or difficult, James. Never. You have never been the Asset to me."
"I know," he said softly, smiling gently. "On good days, I remember that. It keeps me going."
"And today is a good day," she guessed.
"Today is a good day."
"Then let's go out. Something stupid, like a dirty water hot dog and sitting in Central Park."
James shot her a goofy grin. "I like the sound of that. Just us two, nowhere to be."
"Exactly. And we'll walk through the park, be back in time for yoga with Bruce."
He nodded. "Okay. But first, you're cutting my hair. Short, like when I first enlisted."
Natasha grinned. "I can do that."
It was indeed a good day.
***
***
To Chapter Four - Dinner And Dancing