One. I need to stop being a drama queen.
Two. I need to not fear being vulnerable.
Three. I need to stop channeling my hurt into self-loathing.
Four. I need to stop thinking you hate me for this.

When things got bad, I used to walk outside at night and look up at the stars. When I was hurt, scared, feeling completely alone. Orion was my anchor point, the thing that could always make me feel more real. If I could find it in the sky, stare at it for a while, everything was okay. It was a reassuring constant ( Read more... )

Most of my posts this summer are probably going to be here--I've resurrected the summer blog, and fallen back in love with Blogger's user interface. So go, read, and be merry.

(I'm in the Netherlands and I love it.)

This is the first time I've seen the pre-dawn sky in a while. I like it just as much as I always have. Sunrise looks better from this side.

I've reached the point where social events just leave me sort of disappointed and depressed, and I don't actually like being drunk, and I wander around the room talking to people and usually end up in the corner just watching the world go by.

I need to snap out of this.

Let's see ( Read more... )

Right. So ( Read more... )

There are moments when I feel better. When Rahele stumbled around the balcony with her hood up pretending to be blind. When she and I spent twenty minutes making fun of sorority girls. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, and in that moment I felt real. I felt the most real when Lindsay just held me ( Read more... )

It's hard to describe. Like there's a bubble of stagnant air around me, preventing me from making contact with the outside world, preventing me from feeling or participating in anything that happens around me. It feels like it's imploding in on me ( Read more... )

I'm feeling a lot more myself. Not so stuck, so desperate, disliking myself so much.

Silly music, good friends. Life is better.