Fic
Title - State of Mind
Fandom - Once Upon a Time
Pairing - Emma/Regina
Rating - PG13
AN - Set following Manhattan and also follows my drabbles, Mirror Mirror, This Provincial Life, Viviane or Nimue, Dreams and Wishes, All the Better to…., Magic Keys, Curiouser and Curiouser, Snow Blind, Spinning Straw , Wooden Hearts , Poisoned , True Love and Other Curses, Spellbound, Over the Rainbow, Facades, Lost Girls, Monstrosities, Love and Lies, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Dreamscapes, Homecomings, Test Match, Wishful Thinking, Absent Friends and Small Mercies
State of Mind
She knew she was tired, exhausted really, but she is surprised to learn that she relaxed her guard enough to fall asleep. She should wake for Henry’s sake but she doesn’t want to, the waking world is full of too many problems. Emma had told herself that she was doing the right thing in bringing Henry here, that Regina would have killed her if she’d left Henry in Mary Margaret’s care, but now all she can see is the error of her ways. She should have been smarter and she should have also known that Regina would kill her for letting Henry leave town with Gold.
It was an impossible choice, what with death being the only option and all, but she still feels like she made the wrong decision. She has brought Henry into a viper’s den. She unknowingly led Henry to a man who is going to let him down and break his heart. Not that Henry can be told this. As far as the boy is concerned his ‘father’ can do no wrong.
At least in her dream she is free from Neal. Her worries about him and the pain he is destined to cause Henry still haunt her but she knows she won’t have to see his face. This is a space that she has some control over. The dreamland is not quite the same as before, it is more barren and the foreboding barrier appears to be absent, but she’s still certain that this is not an ordinary dream and as such there is no place for Neal here.
There are some disadvantages to this type of dream though; if this was just a normal dream Regina would be here by now. Emma rarely dreams about anything else. She may have more control over this environment but needing to wait for Regina to fall asleep in order to see her is a major downside. She can only hope that Regina appears before she is pulled away from the land of slumber.
Emma is beginning to lose faith when a wall of wind hits her. It has the force of a mack truck, it feels like it’s tearing her body apart, and yet it doesn’t move her from her position. It’s almost impossible to keep her eyes open but she tries to squint, determined not to miss what she knows is coming. She doesn’t want to miss a single second with Regina.
She fails in her quest; the wind stabs at her eyes like millions of tiny needles and she is forced to close them. As soon as she does it she realises the extent of her mistake because the pressure of the wind prevents her from opening them again, it’s as though they are welded shut. Panic starts to set in, she is certain that bad things can happen to her in this realm, and she worries her eyes will stay this way forever but her temporary blindness is magically cured when she hears a smug voice that she knows and loves. “This is hardly the reception I was hoping for Miss Swan.”
Her body is rooted to the spot. She is too overwhelmed to move. “I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispers in awe.
“It really shouldn’t surprise you; you’re the one who summoned me.”
“I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t even know how I do it.”
“Oh,” Regina pouts, “so you are not happy that I’m here?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“That’s better,” Regina has gone from pouting to purring.
Emma drops her own voice and says, “I’m sure we can make it better still.” She goes to grab Regina’s hips, she is already anticipating the way they bodies will mould together, but her arms move through Regina as though she wasn’t there. “What the fuck?”
“Indeed.” Regina says with the disapproving raise of an eyebrow.
“I mean seriously, what the fuck? This is one of those dreams so what’s changed? Why can’t I touch you?” Emma sulks.
“Perhaps it’s not really one of those dreams.”
“It’s definitely one of those dreams,” Emma insists. “I know when your really here. I knew it when I was back in your world and I know it now.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“The same way that you are,” she meets Regina’s gaze firmly and watches the brunette’s eyes widen in understanding.
“You know far more about magic than you should.”
“Maybe,” it’s not even an angle that she has considered, “but I don’t need magic to know that your really here.”
“Is that so?” Regina looks at her with tenderness.
“Things are different between us when it’s just a dream.”
All the tenderness vanishes from Regina’s face and she turns away from Emma, “I assume I’m nicer to you and that I listen intently to what you have to say.”
“We don’t really talk in my dreams,” Emma admits. She is glad Regina is unable to see her because she is certain she is blushing.
“What do we do instead?” Regina asks.
“Well we tend to be busy with other things.”
“Really?” Regina sounds intrigued and she stalks towards Emma.
“Yes,” Emma manages to squeak.
“And are these things you would like us to do now?” Regina’s voice has turned to silk.
“Please,” Emma bits her lip and nods.
“I will have to see what I can do,” Regina circles her like she is toying with her prey. “I don’t like the idea that you have to resort to some fantasy version of me when I am more than willing to meet your needs.”
Emma’s mouth is almost completely dry. “It’s not that, I’ve never had any complaints about what you offer.”
“What is it then?” Regina demands and in doing so she manages to look both terrifying and sexy as hell.
“It’s just I can’t stop thinking about you. Awake, asleep, it makes no difference.”
“I like the thought of you thinking about me.”
“So,” Emma is overcome by shyness, something that she is unaccustomed to feeling, “do you ever dream about me?”
“I’m dreaming about you right now,” Regina points out.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“But isn’t this better?”
“There are definitely certain advantages,” Emma feels her face break into a grin.
“I can think of one or two,” Regina agrees as she steps into Emma’s personal space.
“Why do you think we can do this again?” Emma asks. “I mean these dreams had stopped. Why are they back?”
“I really don’t know. I’ve never communicated with anyone in my dreams before.”
“Maybe it only works when we are in different words.”
“Emma you are in not in a different world.”
“I am in New York. I’m in civilisation. It’s definitely a whole different world to Storybrooke,” Emma says with sincerity.
“Very drool Miss Swan,” Regina gives a sharp nod.
“Well, whatever the reason, I’m glad you are here.”
“Me too,” Regina assures her.
“But it feels different this time.”
“Yes it does.”
“It’s because she’s not here isn’t it?” she swings her arm in an arc in an attempt to indicate the lack of the oppressive barrier.
Regina apparently doesn’t need more of an explanation as she replies, “She’s not here but she is here.”
Emma’s heart sinks. She doesn’t need Regina to spell things out for her; she knows her worst possible fears have been imagined. Gold made her leave when Regina needed her most and she doesn’t want to think about what it means for Regina. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there.”
“What could you have done?”
“I’m not completely useless, you know.”
“In this circumstance you just might be.”
“Why won’t you ever give me any credit?” she grumbles.
“I’m honestly glad you are not here. It’s safer this way.”
“Safer for who?”
“It’s for whom dear.”
“Yeah cause that’s the part that’s important here.”
“We all have our own priorities Emma.”
“And my priority should have been to be there for you. I didn’t even really argue when Gold asked me to come,” Emma confesses.
“I doubt there was much asking involved,” Regina sounds almost playful.
“There was a pretence at asking but mainly there were just many references to the favour that I owe him.”
“Then it’s good that you went.”
“How can you possibly think that?”
“If there is a chance to erase the favour you owe that creature then you need to take it. He can not continue to hold that over you. You can not allow him to hold anything over you.”
Emma tries to reach for Regina but her hand goes straight through her causing Emma to let out a growl of frustration. “Why can’t you understand that I would let him hold a million favours over me in order to be there with you now?”
Regina gives her a smile. It’s clearly a genuine act but there is no hiding the sadness in Regina’s eyes. “It’s because of thoughts like that that I am glad you are in New York. You can’t help me, nobody can. If you were here you would only make things worse.”
“It’s good to know you think so highly of me.”
“I meant it as a compliment.”
Emma turns her head away as she says, “Well then I must be an idiot because I have a very hard time seeing it as such.”
Regina reaches for her but then obviously realises the futility of her action as she lets her arm fall uselessly to her side. “I know you care. I know you would try to take her on…..”
“Of course I would,” Emma interrupts and then softly adds, “how could I not?”
“I knew you’d feel that way. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be you.”
“Then I don’t want to be me.”
“Don’t say that,” Regina says with a force that is almost palpable.
“How can I not think it? If I were a different person you wouldn’t want to send me away.”
“If you were a different person I wouldn’t care if you were here or not,” Regina corrects. “I wouldn’t care if you lived or died and Emma I very much care if you live or die. It’s why I want you away from my mother and why I don’t want Gold to hold anything over you.”
She can feel herself softening in response to Regina’s words but it’s not the reaction she wants to have. She wants to be angry. She wants to be mad at herself for leaving, mad at Gold for asking her too and mad at Regina for being ok with it. “I’m just so worried about what will happen to you.”
“So am I.”
Regina doesn’t sound entirely convincing and so Emma informs her that, “I’m finding that hard to believe.”
“I do worry what will happen to me, more than I’ve worried in a very long time, but it’s more important to me that you and Henry are okay.”
“How will we ever be ok if something happens to you?”
“What will happen will happen. You can’t control it Emma, you just have to live with it.”
“Like you lived with what happened to him?” Emma spits.
Regina slumps to the ground, “That’s not fair. That was different.”
“How? Tell me how it’s different. There is very real chance that because of your mother I will lose you just like you lost him.”
“It may not come to that.”
“No you might just give yourself over to the dark side which would be even worse.”
“Why would that be worse?”
“If that happened I would still lose you but I’d never be able to properly grieve you.”
“That wouldn’t happen anyway.”
“If you……” she doesn’t want to even say the word, “died there would be an end. There would be something to grieve.”
“And who would let you grieve?”
“What do you mean? I don’t need anyone’s permission to grieve you.”
“Who or what would they think you are grieving?”
“It’s none of their business.”
“That doesn’t really matter. The point is that no one would treat you as if you had lost someone important. Assuming, that is, that I am important to you.”
Emma sits down next to Regina. “Of course you are important to me. How could you even think otherwise?”
“I’m glad. You’re important to me too.”
“I should think so.”
Emma’s words produce a grin from Regina. “That’s my girl.”
She finds herself unable to smile in return. “I don’t want to grieve you,” she says earnestly, “not ever.”
“I’m not immortal dearest,” Regina says with affection, “and I’m far from young.”
“You keep saying that.”
“I say it because it’s true.”
“It’s not though.”
“Don’t let my appearance fool you Emma. I am an old woman.”
“I’m not really sure what the life expectancy is where you are from but I get the sense that it can be slightly different to what I am used to.”
“That may be but it doesn’t change the fact that I am much, much older than you.”
“You are not,” Emma argues.
“I was in that town for decades.”
“No, you were frozen for decades,” Emma corrects.
“I wasn’t like the rest of them Emma. I had my memories. I knew who I was.”
“And yet you were frozen all the same.”
Regina gives her a strange look, “I thought I had used that time to grow and change. I guess I was wrong.”
She wants to hug Regina but under the circumstances that is impossible. “I didn’t mean to minimise your progress.”
“I really did change but, and it pains me to admit this, most of the change occurred after I met you.”
“See,” she says with triumph that is a tad juvenile, “when I made the clock move I woke the town up. Everything in the town; you included.”
“If you say so dear,” Regina reluctantly demurs.
“I do say so,” Emma says with not a small amount of pride, “you were stuck. I was right about that and I was right about you not being old. In fact compared to my usual tastes you are essentially an infant.”
“What are you talking about?” the brunette sounds both jealous and intrigued.
“Henry’s father.”
Regina goes pale but quickly gathers her composure. “I’d always assumed that he was some sort of teenaged delinquent like you. Should I change my mental picture and replace it with one of a perverted and inadequate sugar daddy?”
“Well at the time I thought he was older. I never had a problem with that but I was not clear just how much older he was, I’m still not but it’s definitely more than a couple of years. A lot more.”
“And when, pray tell, did you make this discovery?”
“I’m not sure how to tell you this.”
Regina’s eyes narrow and her voice turns to ice, “Tell me what?”
Emma swallows and braces herself before she confesses, “We came to New York because Gold was looking for something.”
“Yes, I imagined that would be the case. It’s not like I thought he just suddenly decided he needed a vacation,” comes the dismissive reply.
“We found it. Well, rather we found him. Gold’s son. It turns out that it’s not the first time that I’ve met him.”
“Please tell me that this doesn’t mean what I think it means.”
“You are a very smart woman,” normally Regina would preen at Emma’s words but on this occasion she crumbles and goes dead in the eyes, “I’m pretty sure it means exactly what you think it means.”
“It can’t mean that,” Regina whispers.
“I’m sorry but it’s true.”
“Is there nothing in my life that is not completely fucked?”
She moves herself closer to Regina, “If it helps, both of our lives are fucked. It’s the reason that I don’t want to lose you. You are the only good thing I have.”
Regina leans away from her, “That’s not true. You have a whole family now. I hope you have a happy time with them all.”
“They are not my family,” she says defiantly.
“But they are. All of them. Even Gold. Which is about as bad news for me as there could possibly be.”
“It’s not great news for me either. Also, these people are not my family. Not a single one of them was ever there for me when I needed them. They are no more my family than any of the foster parents who let me know that I was not worth anything were.”
“Well they are your family now, dear, and because Henry will need you I hope you find a way to accept them.”
In response to Henry’s name Emma let’s out a sad laugh. “I’m not sure Henry feels that way,” she tells Regina.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“You’ll be delighted to know that he hates me now. He is all over his father like white on rice and he told me that I am just like you.”
“I can see why you’d be devastated by that,” Regina says dryly.
“I am hurt,” she admits, “but mainly I’m mad at myself. When he was treating you that way I never once questioned whether or not you deserved it. I kinda took advantage of his behaviour at the start and I’m ashamed of that. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s my fault. If I knew how to love better, Henry would too and he wouldn’t be looking for this perfect parent that doesn’t exist.”
“His father is far from perfect and he is going to break Henry’s heart.”
“Then you will have to be there to pick up the pieces when that happens.”
“No, we will both be there for him.”
The sad, watery smile that Emma is becoming all to familiar with once again graces Regina’s face, “It’s not going to work out that way Emma. Not now.”
“Why? Nothing has really changed.”
“Everything has changed. My mother will stop at nothing to destroy those who stand in her way and now that you are aligned with Gold it will be impossible to keep you out of the line of fire.”
“Then surely I will be the one to fall and you will need to be the one who is there for Henry.”
“Emma,” Regina runs her fingers over the area where Emma’s face should be, “I will do everything that I can to keep you and Henry safe. You must know that.”
“Why do you say that like you expect that you will be lost in the process?”
“Because I’m fairly sure that one way or another I will.”
“No!” Emma cries. “You are not allowed to think like that.”
“Do you really believe that things would all be okay if I simply refuse to believe that they won’t be? Surely even you are not that simple.”
Emma ignores Regina’s slight. “I don’t know. I know that in my world there are entire sections of bookstores related to the power of positive thinking and while I’ve never subscribed to them, hoping for the best only ever got me hurt before, right now I don’t think they’re a bad idea. God has never really worked out for me either but I’d be willing to try him too. You should do whatever it takes - read The Secret, make a dream board, pray to whatever Gods you people have - because I will be doing the same.”
“Darling I have already told you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that you and Henry survive.”
“That’s not enough,” Emma says gruffly.
“Well then, I’m sorry, because it’s all I’ve got.”
“It can’t be. Surviving won’t be enough, it won’t mean anything without you.”
“Emma,” Regina sighs. There is love in her eyes but she already sounds defeated. “I don’t want to make you promises that I have no intention of keeping. I’m not my mother. You shouldn’t come back to Storybrooke. You should take Henry as far away as you can. Neither of you should be exposed to what is to come.”
“I can’t do that. I could never do that.”
“Why not? You’ve made a career out of running. Do what you are good at.” There is no judgement in Regina’s tone and yet Emma feels as though she has been punched.
“Oh I feel like running now.”
“Then do it,” Regina implores, “keep yourself and Henry safe and then all of this will have been worth it.”
“I’ve been running from things my whole life. I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“Don’t be stupid Emma. If ever you should be running this is the time.”
“But this is the first time that I have something to run to. I won’t leave you. I am coming back for you.”
“Emma, don’t…”
She silences Regina with a, “Shhhhhh,” and moves to take hold of Regina’s hand. Instead of emptiness and air she feels warm skin and from the look of surprise on Regina’s face she knows Regina feels it too. She reaches to stroke Regina’s cheek but her fingers find nothing. Emma tightens her grip on Regina’s hand and concentrates all of her energy there.
“I’m not sure what this means,” Regina admits as she stares at their joined hands and gives Emma’s a small squeeze.
“It means that I’m determined to get what I want and what I want is you,” she says with what she hopes is a winning smile.
“Then we had better hope your determination is strong enough to achieve the impossible.”
“Without a doubt,” she states cockily but she is sure that they are both riddled with fear. She refuses to focus on that. She refuses to focus on anything other than the feel of Regina’s hand in hers. For once in her life she has something worth hanging on to and if Emma has her way she will never, ever let go.
Fandom - Once Upon a Time
Pairing - Emma/Regina
Rating - PG13
AN - Set following Manhattan and also follows my drabbles, Mirror Mirror, This Provincial Life, Viviane or Nimue, Dreams and Wishes, All the Better to…., Magic Keys, Curiouser and Curiouser, Snow Blind, Spinning Straw , Wooden Hearts , Poisoned , True Love and Other Curses, Spellbound, Over the Rainbow, Facades, Lost Girls, Monstrosities, Love and Lies, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Dreamscapes, Homecomings, Test Match, Wishful Thinking, Absent Friends and Small Mercies
State of Mind
She knew she was tired, exhausted really, but she is surprised to learn that she relaxed her guard enough to fall asleep. She should wake for Henry’s sake but she doesn’t want to, the waking world is full of too many problems. Emma had told herself that she was doing the right thing in bringing Henry here, that Regina would have killed her if she’d left Henry in Mary Margaret’s care, but now all she can see is the error of her ways. She should have been smarter and she should have also known that Regina would kill her for letting Henry leave town with Gold.
It was an impossible choice, what with death being the only option and all, but she still feels like she made the wrong decision. She has brought Henry into a viper’s den. She unknowingly led Henry to a man who is going to let him down and break his heart. Not that Henry can be told this. As far as the boy is concerned his ‘father’ can do no wrong.
At least in her dream she is free from Neal. Her worries about him and the pain he is destined to cause Henry still haunt her but she knows she won’t have to see his face. This is a space that she has some control over. The dreamland is not quite the same as before, it is more barren and the foreboding barrier appears to be absent, but she’s still certain that this is not an ordinary dream and as such there is no place for Neal here.
There are some disadvantages to this type of dream though; if this was just a normal dream Regina would be here by now. Emma rarely dreams about anything else. She may have more control over this environment but needing to wait for Regina to fall asleep in order to see her is a major downside. She can only hope that Regina appears before she is pulled away from the land of slumber.
Emma is beginning to lose faith when a wall of wind hits her. It has the force of a mack truck, it feels like it’s tearing her body apart, and yet it doesn’t move her from her position. It’s almost impossible to keep her eyes open but she tries to squint, determined not to miss what she knows is coming. She doesn’t want to miss a single second with Regina.
She fails in her quest; the wind stabs at her eyes like millions of tiny needles and she is forced to close them. As soon as she does it she realises the extent of her mistake because the pressure of the wind prevents her from opening them again, it’s as though they are welded shut. Panic starts to set in, she is certain that bad things can happen to her in this realm, and she worries her eyes will stay this way forever but her temporary blindness is magically cured when she hears a smug voice that she knows and loves. “This is hardly the reception I was hoping for Miss Swan.”
Her body is rooted to the spot. She is too overwhelmed to move. “I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispers in awe.
“It really shouldn’t surprise you; you’re the one who summoned me.”
“I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t even know how I do it.”
“Oh,” Regina pouts, “so you are not happy that I’m here?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“That’s better,” Regina has gone from pouting to purring.
Emma drops her own voice and says, “I’m sure we can make it better still.” She goes to grab Regina’s hips, she is already anticipating the way they bodies will mould together, but her arms move through Regina as though she wasn’t there. “What the fuck?”
“Indeed.” Regina says with the disapproving raise of an eyebrow.
“I mean seriously, what the fuck? This is one of those dreams so what’s changed? Why can’t I touch you?” Emma sulks.
“Perhaps it’s not really one of those dreams.”
“It’s definitely one of those dreams,” Emma insists. “I know when your really here. I knew it when I was back in your world and I know it now.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“The same way that you are,” she meets Regina’s gaze firmly and watches the brunette’s eyes widen in understanding.
“You know far more about magic than you should.”
“Maybe,” it’s not even an angle that she has considered, “but I don’t need magic to know that your really here.”
“Is that so?” Regina looks at her with tenderness.
“Things are different between us when it’s just a dream.”
All the tenderness vanishes from Regina’s face and she turns away from Emma, “I assume I’m nicer to you and that I listen intently to what you have to say.”
“We don’t really talk in my dreams,” Emma admits. She is glad Regina is unable to see her because she is certain she is blushing.
“What do we do instead?” Regina asks.
“Well we tend to be busy with other things.”
“Really?” Regina sounds intrigued and she stalks towards Emma.
“Yes,” Emma manages to squeak.
“And are these things you would like us to do now?” Regina’s voice has turned to silk.
“Please,” Emma bits her lip and nods.
“I will have to see what I can do,” Regina circles her like she is toying with her prey. “I don’t like the idea that you have to resort to some fantasy version of me when I am more than willing to meet your needs.”
Emma’s mouth is almost completely dry. “It’s not that, I’ve never had any complaints about what you offer.”
“What is it then?” Regina demands and in doing so she manages to look both terrifying and sexy as hell.
“It’s just I can’t stop thinking about you. Awake, asleep, it makes no difference.”
“I like the thought of you thinking about me.”
“So,” Emma is overcome by shyness, something that she is unaccustomed to feeling, “do you ever dream about me?”
“I’m dreaming about you right now,” Regina points out.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“But isn’t this better?”
“There are definitely certain advantages,” Emma feels her face break into a grin.
“I can think of one or two,” Regina agrees as she steps into Emma’s personal space.
“Why do you think we can do this again?” Emma asks. “I mean these dreams had stopped. Why are they back?”
“I really don’t know. I’ve never communicated with anyone in my dreams before.”
“Maybe it only works when we are in different words.”
“Emma you are in not in a different world.”
“I am in New York. I’m in civilisation. It’s definitely a whole different world to Storybrooke,” Emma says with sincerity.
“Very drool Miss Swan,” Regina gives a sharp nod.
“Well, whatever the reason, I’m glad you are here.”
“Me too,” Regina assures her.
“But it feels different this time.”
“Yes it does.”
“It’s because she’s not here isn’t it?” she swings her arm in an arc in an attempt to indicate the lack of the oppressive barrier.
Regina apparently doesn’t need more of an explanation as she replies, “She’s not here but she is here.”
Emma’s heart sinks. She doesn’t need Regina to spell things out for her; she knows her worst possible fears have been imagined. Gold made her leave when Regina needed her most and she doesn’t want to think about what it means for Regina. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there.”
“What could you have done?”
“I’m not completely useless, you know.”
“In this circumstance you just might be.”
“Why won’t you ever give me any credit?” she grumbles.
“I’m honestly glad you are not here. It’s safer this way.”
“Safer for who?”
“It’s for whom dear.”
“Yeah cause that’s the part that’s important here.”
“We all have our own priorities Emma.”
“And my priority should have been to be there for you. I didn’t even really argue when Gold asked me to come,” Emma confesses.
“I doubt there was much asking involved,” Regina sounds almost playful.
“There was a pretence at asking but mainly there were just many references to the favour that I owe him.”
“Then it’s good that you went.”
“How can you possibly think that?”
“If there is a chance to erase the favour you owe that creature then you need to take it. He can not continue to hold that over you. You can not allow him to hold anything over you.”
Emma tries to reach for Regina but her hand goes straight through her causing Emma to let out a growl of frustration. “Why can’t you understand that I would let him hold a million favours over me in order to be there with you now?”
Regina gives her a smile. It’s clearly a genuine act but there is no hiding the sadness in Regina’s eyes. “It’s because of thoughts like that that I am glad you are in New York. You can’t help me, nobody can. If you were here you would only make things worse.”
“It’s good to know you think so highly of me.”
“I meant it as a compliment.”
Emma turns her head away as she says, “Well then I must be an idiot because I have a very hard time seeing it as such.”
Regina reaches for her but then obviously realises the futility of her action as she lets her arm fall uselessly to her side. “I know you care. I know you would try to take her on…..”
“Of course I would,” Emma interrupts and then softly adds, “how could I not?”
“I knew you’d feel that way. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be you.”
“Then I don’t want to be me.”
“Don’t say that,” Regina says with a force that is almost palpable.
“How can I not think it? If I were a different person you wouldn’t want to send me away.”
“If you were a different person I wouldn’t care if you were here or not,” Regina corrects. “I wouldn’t care if you lived or died and Emma I very much care if you live or die. It’s why I want you away from my mother and why I don’t want Gold to hold anything over you.”
She can feel herself softening in response to Regina’s words but it’s not the reaction she wants to have. She wants to be angry. She wants to be mad at herself for leaving, mad at Gold for asking her too and mad at Regina for being ok with it. “I’m just so worried about what will happen to you.”
“So am I.”
Regina doesn’t sound entirely convincing and so Emma informs her that, “I’m finding that hard to believe.”
“I do worry what will happen to me, more than I’ve worried in a very long time, but it’s more important to me that you and Henry are okay.”
“How will we ever be ok if something happens to you?”
“What will happen will happen. You can’t control it Emma, you just have to live with it.”
“Like you lived with what happened to him?” Emma spits.
Regina slumps to the ground, “That’s not fair. That was different.”
“How? Tell me how it’s different. There is very real chance that because of your mother I will lose you just like you lost him.”
“It may not come to that.”
“No you might just give yourself over to the dark side which would be even worse.”
“Why would that be worse?”
“If that happened I would still lose you but I’d never be able to properly grieve you.”
“That wouldn’t happen anyway.”
“If you……” she doesn’t want to even say the word, “died there would be an end. There would be something to grieve.”
“And who would let you grieve?”
“What do you mean? I don’t need anyone’s permission to grieve you.”
“Who or what would they think you are grieving?”
“It’s none of their business.”
“That doesn’t really matter. The point is that no one would treat you as if you had lost someone important. Assuming, that is, that I am important to you.”
Emma sits down next to Regina. “Of course you are important to me. How could you even think otherwise?”
“I’m glad. You’re important to me too.”
“I should think so.”
Emma’s words produce a grin from Regina. “That’s my girl.”
She finds herself unable to smile in return. “I don’t want to grieve you,” she says earnestly, “not ever.”
“I’m not immortal dearest,” Regina says with affection, “and I’m far from young.”
“You keep saying that.”
“I say it because it’s true.”
“It’s not though.”
“Don’t let my appearance fool you Emma. I am an old woman.”
“I’m not really sure what the life expectancy is where you are from but I get the sense that it can be slightly different to what I am used to.”
“That may be but it doesn’t change the fact that I am much, much older than you.”
“You are not,” Emma argues.
“I was in that town for decades.”
“No, you were frozen for decades,” Emma corrects.
“I wasn’t like the rest of them Emma. I had my memories. I knew who I was.”
“And yet you were frozen all the same.”
Regina gives her a strange look, “I thought I had used that time to grow and change. I guess I was wrong.”
She wants to hug Regina but under the circumstances that is impossible. “I didn’t mean to minimise your progress.”
“I really did change but, and it pains me to admit this, most of the change occurred after I met you.”
“See,” she says with triumph that is a tad juvenile, “when I made the clock move I woke the town up. Everything in the town; you included.”
“If you say so dear,” Regina reluctantly demurs.
“I do say so,” Emma says with not a small amount of pride, “you were stuck. I was right about that and I was right about you not being old. In fact compared to my usual tastes you are essentially an infant.”
“What are you talking about?” the brunette sounds both jealous and intrigued.
“Henry’s father.”
Regina goes pale but quickly gathers her composure. “I’d always assumed that he was some sort of teenaged delinquent like you. Should I change my mental picture and replace it with one of a perverted and inadequate sugar daddy?”
“Well at the time I thought he was older. I never had a problem with that but I was not clear just how much older he was, I’m still not but it’s definitely more than a couple of years. A lot more.”
“And when, pray tell, did you make this discovery?”
“I’m not sure how to tell you this.”
Regina’s eyes narrow and her voice turns to ice, “Tell me what?”
Emma swallows and braces herself before she confesses, “We came to New York because Gold was looking for something.”
“Yes, I imagined that would be the case. It’s not like I thought he just suddenly decided he needed a vacation,” comes the dismissive reply.
“We found it. Well, rather we found him. Gold’s son. It turns out that it’s not the first time that I’ve met him.”
“Please tell me that this doesn’t mean what I think it means.”
“You are a very smart woman,” normally Regina would preen at Emma’s words but on this occasion she crumbles and goes dead in the eyes, “I’m pretty sure it means exactly what you think it means.”
“It can’t mean that,” Regina whispers.
“I’m sorry but it’s true.”
“Is there nothing in my life that is not completely fucked?”
She moves herself closer to Regina, “If it helps, both of our lives are fucked. It’s the reason that I don’t want to lose you. You are the only good thing I have.”
Regina leans away from her, “That’s not true. You have a whole family now. I hope you have a happy time with them all.”
“They are not my family,” she says defiantly.
“But they are. All of them. Even Gold. Which is about as bad news for me as there could possibly be.”
“It’s not great news for me either. Also, these people are not my family. Not a single one of them was ever there for me when I needed them. They are no more my family than any of the foster parents who let me know that I was not worth anything were.”
“Well they are your family now, dear, and because Henry will need you I hope you find a way to accept them.”
In response to Henry’s name Emma let’s out a sad laugh. “I’m not sure Henry feels that way,” she tells Regina.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“You’ll be delighted to know that he hates me now. He is all over his father like white on rice and he told me that I am just like you.”
“I can see why you’d be devastated by that,” Regina says dryly.
“I am hurt,” she admits, “but mainly I’m mad at myself. When he was treating you that way I never once questioned whether or not you deserved it. I kinda took advantage of his behaviour at the start and I’m ashamed of that. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s my fault. If I knew how to love better, Henry would too and he wouldn’t be looking for this perfect parent that doesn’t exist.”
“His father is far from perfect and he is going to break Henry’s heart.”
“Then you will have to be there to pick up the pieces when that happens.”
“No, we will both be there for him.”
The sad, watery smile that Emma is becoming all to familiar with once again graces Regina’s face, “It’s not going to work out that way Emma. Not now.”
“Why? Nothing has really changed.”
“Everything has changed. My mother will stop at nothing to destroy those who stand in her way and now that you are aligned with Gold it will be impossible to keep you out of the line of fire.”
“Then surely I will be the one to fall and you will need to be the one who is there for Henry.”
“Emma,” Regina runs her fingers over the area where Emma’s face should be, “I will do everything that I can to keep you and Henry safe. You must know that.”
“Why do you say that like you expect that you will be lost in the process?”
“Because I’m fairly sure that one way or another I will.”
“No!” Emma cries. “You are not allowed to think like that.”
“Do you really believe that things would all be okay if I simply refuse to believe that they won’t be? Surely even you are not that simple.”
Emma ignores Regina’s slight. “I don’t know. I know that in my world there are entire sections of bookstores related to the power of positive thinking and while I’ve never subscribed to them, hoping for the best only ever got me hurt before, right now I don’t think they’re a bad idea. God has never really worked out for me either but I’d be willing to try him too. You should do whatever it takes - read The Secret, make a dream board, pray to whatever Gods you people have - because I will be doing the same.”
“Darling I have already told you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that you and Henry survive.”
“That’s not enough,” Emma says gruffly.
“Well then, I’m sorry, because it’s all I’ve got.”
“It can’t be. Surviving won’t be enough, it won’t mean anything without you.”
“Emma,” Regina sighs. There is love in her eyes but she already sounds defeated. “I don’t want to make you promises that I have no intention of keeping. I’m not my mother. You shouldn’t come back to Storybrooke. You should take Henry as far away as you can. Neither of you should be exposed to what is to come.”
“I can’t do that. I could never do that.”
“Why not? You’ve made a career out of running. Do what you are good at.” There is no judgement in Regina’s tone and yet Emma feels as though she has been punched.
“Oh I feel like running now.”
“Then do it,” Regina implores, “keep yourself and Henry safe and then all of this will have been worth it.”
“I’ve been running from things my whole life. I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“Don’t be stupid Emma. If ever you should be running this is the time.”
“But this is the first time that I have something to run to. I won’t leave you. I am coming back for you.”
“Emma, don’t…”
She silences Regina with a, “Shhhhhh,” and moves to take hold of Regina’s hand. Instead of emptiness and air she feels warm skin and from the look of surprise on Regina’s face she knows Regina feels it too. She reaches to stroke Regina’s cheek but her fingers find nothing. Emma tightens her grip on Regina’s hand and concentrates all of her energy there.
“I’m not sure what this means,” Regina admits as she stares at their joined hands and gives Emma’s a small squeeze.
“It means that I’m determined to get what I want and what I want is you,” she says with what she hopes is a winning smile.
“Then we had better hope your determination is strong enough to achieve the impossible.”
“Without a doubt,” she states cockily but she is sure that they are both riddled with fear. She refuses to focus on that. She refuses to focus on anything other than the feel of Regina’s hand in hers. For once in her life she has something worth hanging on to and if Emma has her way she will never, ever let go.