It’s Yom Kippur, and I toyed with writing this year’s thoughts down on paper in one of my old journals, except that it’s too slow to write - I’m onto the next thought before I could get the words out onto the paper for my brain. I was thinking of just embracing the new tech and typing, but I decided to dictate. I am going to have to go back and ( Read more... )

I don't want to lose the memories, but there is a sharp bite and a stab associated with remembering. Remembering people who once seemed so wonderful, so caring and awesome, and turned out to be so cold, so ugly inside ( Read more... )

As I'm nearing my 30th, I'm feeling this dread of "real life" - and getting ever closer to death, and biological clocks running down, and the fear of loneliness forever. I feel like this is a huge turning point where I'm finally reaching that realization that this is "real life" - and real life sucks - all while turning a blind eye to the looming ( Read more... )

Apparently these days LJ is run and predominantly used by Russian dissidents, according to Cracked.
Wonder if I can download all my old entries and save them to my hard drive. Worth a shot. That'll be a project.
A lot has changed but I'm going to bed, so fuck it. I'm almost 30. Who needs a diary at 29?
Peace.

I'm leaving teaching for now. It may be for the best. Bob's friend Lauren, who I feel like I've mentioned on here before (thought she was cute, but now I'm rather intimidated) found me a Health Assistant job at a for-profit called Accolade. I'll be teaching adults about their health insurance ( Read more... )

Lap band surgery in literally one week. Scared. But it's still somehow surreal and im starving anyway in preparation ( Read more... )

Things a friend who isn't busy says when you tell them you're lonely or sad: "you should come over". Or "want me to come over?"
Things Noel says when you tell her you're lonely and sad: "get off your backside and go walk by the river."
Holy fuck, why am I even friends with this bitch??

I need to move forward. Need to move on. Really worried I won't have my surgery in time. Worried I won't have a job come January. Worried I'll never find love that's reciprocal. Need to get the fuck over this mostly straight chick who'll never share my feelings. Need to stop crushing on anyone while I'm fat... Nobody wants this shit.

Hell is knowing you can't have her and she doesn't feel the same way as you.
But heaven - heaven is feeling her fall asleep in your arms and listening to her little snores as she relaxes into you...

Could I possibly be sustained by such platonic moments alone? Is this what love is?

Barb had a full hysterectomy and several other things scraped of cancer, and now gets to go through the pain of chemo. She's still in pain from the surgery. What a fucking mess ( Read more... )