I need to let my emotions go. I've caged myself in so tightly that nothing shows through. And I am frightened of what would. My greatest fear has always been the loss of mental control to the demands of my body. To have my own physical form undermine me. It is why torture, excruciating pain, terrified me. But this cage takes energy. An energy I ( Read more... )

I've always been awful in tense situations. I laughed when my friend's pet died. I laughed as I told my mother yesterday that "Mr. black-and-white kitty" had died. Even when I heard of 9/11 I smiled. laughed. Could not suppress that 'innappropriate reaction'. And it wasn't that I didn't feel bad. It was merely that I couldn't control some ( Read more... )

btw. i'm really not as bored/depressed/maniacal/[.] as my posts seem to suggest. in fact, i'm quite pleased at the moment.

my attention span has slipped below the american average of 15 seconds. but still, the commercials keep me staring, blankly, at the screen. the rapidly flashing/changing scenes/colors/voices all have me tied down. so i avoid the tv. as for anything else? i can't finish reading more than two posts on my friends page, only managing to skim those. i' ( Read more... )

Everything is pale. Pastels. I hate them. The light pinks, purples and blues, from a time when I was red, orange, green, blind. I want forest green, crimson, pewter, midnight. Deep, rich, concealing.

motherfucker. i think i really am mad. but it doesn't matter. because i'm halfway there, all that's left is to answer that unanswerable question. and i suspect that the solution ias as obvious as the one on the math test yesterday-the one i didn't get ( Read more... )

why the hell does everyone believe that people will never tell the truth about themselves? if you always assume lies, you will be wrong half the time. take what i say for what it is: the truth i want you to see. and don't probe any further. because i guarantee you won't see any more than i want you to.

there's a [feeling] when something new enters my mentality. slithering into the base of my beliefs and instating istelf. And when it comes from my own conscious mind, it is the feeling of power and control that comes with manipulating and controlling my own subconscious with my conscious mind. reversing the spin on that endless circle of mental ( Read more... )

to the depressed teenager who worried about not being able to connect i said: "keep on faking that life. eventually you'll either snap back in or decide you don't want to participate. just fake until you reach something new. then you can fake that too ( Read more... )

i'm truly moving into the realm of insomnia. and with it comes that brainlessness and lack of capability to speak that i so despise. blame it on teenage angst? or perhaps the fact that i'm hearing so much angst from others that i can't help but have my own. after all, when have i ever not followed the fads?