on emotional idiocy
LJ idol week 17: bringing a knife to a gun fight
I'm an emotional idiot; I'm constantly letting my heart take the lead.
Here's how it works: I go on a date with NewGuy. It's a great first date. We eat, we kiss, and we part ways. The next day, NewGuy texts to tell me he had a good time and when can he see me again. Tomorrow, because today is already full. Ok. So the next night, we go out again. I go to sleep smiling.
The next few times we see each other are the same. We sit there, grinning and talking about everything. He says he's really getting to know me and that it's fantastic. My heart thumps so hard I'm sure he can see it through my skin. When I roll over to kiss him the next morning, it hits me: I'm falling in love. After a couple of weeks.
See? Idiot.
I'm so unprepared to deal with the ramifications of the few emotions I am able to express that sometimes I feel like I'm the idiot that brings a knife to a gun fight. You know the type: overconfident, way too optimistic, maybe a little cocky. And the sort of person most people want to be. They won't usually admit it out loud, but deep down, we all want that kind of confidence. Personally, if I could make it so that I felt solid going into any situation (emotional or otherwise) I would. I'd love to be that sort of person. But I also realize that being imperfect is what makes me human.
NewGuy and I have had several chats since. After the first one, I became Ice Queen™, shutting him out completely because it was easier than connection. After a day or two, I realized how stupid it was to push him away just because our hearts have different initial expectations. I warned him of my tendency to fall in love too fast and expected to see him hightailing it out of my house shortly thereafter. Instead, he stayed to talk. So we talked. And talked. And found common ground, one where I won't get hurt and he won't feel trapped. This is going to be one hell of a learning curve, but at least I'm still smiling.
Being the one with the knife while everybody else fondles their guns taught me something about vulnerability. That sometimes, no matter how much you don't want to take the risk, you have to let people in.
♥ pacing while praying ♥ you are beautiful ♥ digging for buried crap ♥ we should all be narcissists ♥ ˌɪnkənˈsiːvəbl̩ ♥ juicy memories ♥ relax. breathe. bupkis. ♥ a gypsy heart ♥ a month of rain ♥ up is the new down ♥ your words, her silences ♥ ground rules for a hairless housemate ♥ the smell of particleboard in the morning ♥ from an aspiring spinster ♥ scarves & sweaters & shawls ♥
I'm an emotional idiot; I'm constantly letting my heart take the lead.
Here's how it works: I go on a date with NewGuy. It's a great first date. We eat, we kiss, and we part ways. The next day, NewGuy texts to tell me he had a good time and when can he see me again. Tomorrow, because today is already full. Ok. So the next night, we go out again. I go to sleep smiling.
The next few times we see each other are the same. We sit there, grinning and talking about everything. He says he's really getting to know me and that it's fantastic. My heart thumps so hard I'm sure he can see it through my skin. When I roll over to kiss him the next morning, it hits me: I'm falling in love. After a couple of weeks.
See? Idiot.
I'm so unprepared to deal with the ramifications of the few emotions I am able to express that sometimes I feel like I'm the idiot that brings a knife to a gun fight. You know the type: overconfident, way too optimistic, maybe a little cocky. And the sort of person most people want to be. They won't usually admit it out loud, but deep down, we all want that kind of confidence. Personally, if I could make it so that I felt solid going into any situation (emotional or otherwise) I would. I'd love to be that sort of person. But I also realize that being imperfect is what makes me human.
NewGuy and I have had several chats since. After the first one, I became Ice Queen™, shutting him out completely because it was easier than connection. After a day or two, I realized how stupid it was to push him away just because our hearts have different initial expectations. I warned him of my tendency to fall in love too fast and expected to see him hightailing it out of my house shortly thereafter. Instead, he stayed to talk. So we talked. And talked. And found common ground, one where I won't get hurt and he won't feel trapped. This is going to be one hell of a learning curve, but at least I'm still smiling.
Being the one with the knife while everybody else fondles their guns taught me something about vulnerability. That sometimes, no matter how much you don't want to take the risk, you have to let people in.
♥ pacing while praying ♥ you are beautiful ♥ digging for buried crap ♥ we should all be narcissists ♥ ˌɪnkənˈsiːvəbl̩ ♥ juicy memories ♥ relax. breathe. bupkis. ♥ a gypsy heart ♥ a month of rain ♥ up is the new down ♥ your words, her silences ♥ ground rules for a hairless housemate ♥ the smell of particleboard in the morning ♥ from an aspiring spinster ♥ scarves & sweaters & shawls ♥