isnt it kind of funny. i am 19. i have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend that says he loves me and wants to marry me. i have a boyfriend that hates me, reminds me often and calls me a bitch. so its friday night and here i sit. without my boyfriend without any friends without anything really. i dont even want to write about it i guess i am so unhappy ( Read more... )

things are going alright. merry christmas. im sad. jackson is sad. well no he isnt he is obvilious to the things going on around him. i wish i was like that. had the innocence of a child the navity of not knowing what was going on around me. just laughing and smiling and giggling at the dumbest things. at nothing at all. just for the sake of doing ( Read more... )

its amazing how much you can miss someone. its amazing how you never really know what you have until its gone. somehow that plays a role with him being gone. its hard to explain. i remember i used to write messages to him in my journal and put them in bold or something like that so he knew i was talking about him. i shouldve told him from the ( Read more... )

hes gone and im stuck here. i feel so alone lately. so weird and jittery and just plain out of my damn mind. maybe i am. maybe im just a whack. there is no happy medium here. its either to much or to little. i want to get out. i wish i could just pick up and leave and never look back but you dont do that sort of thing when you have other things i.e ( Read more... )

isnt it funny when saturday nights are spent alone hoping jackson will sleep for more than five minutes at a time without being held? i am sick of making bottles, changing diapers, playing mom....playing mom? shit im not playing i am. sometimes i just feel like i am so not capable of doing this. i just want a big long break. say until im about ( Read more... )

when your friday nights are spent cleaning out bottles and the big excitment is getting to rent the movie you want to you know you truly have given up everything for one person. for your child. never again will i smell like myself, have a clean shirt on, sleep on clean sheets, blah blah blah. i know what i want to say im just not saying it. how do ( Read more... )

lately time seems to have been going by really slowly. every day is spent asleep and every night is just spent either waiting to do something or just sitting around and the occasonal going out. i might actually get my computer fixed soon. yay! i fell asleep at 10 something tonight and then woke up around 1 and now i am just sitting here with ( Read more... )

so he came home on mothers day weekend. we talked once and it was really impersonal. nothing like any of his letters. i havent talked to him sense. i am not expecting to get a letter or anything. i cant sit around and wait for him any more either. since i met him thats what it has been. some good times then a lot of waiting. so jackson is growing ( Read more... )

i got another letter from him. i dont know what he expects me to say. how am i supposed to feel. he should have said all of this when he was here. when he had the chance to. when there was a chance to fix things. a chance for me to make up my mind. im not sure what to think now. he is saying all of these things but why is he saying them? because he ( Read more... )

i havent written in so long. i guess its just the fear of actually sitting down and stating how i feel or what i think that has kept me away. every day gets a little bit better a little bit worse. its funny. i used to need someone with me constantly just to make sure i was 'safe' to make sure i was okay. i depended on people who were never really ( Read more... )