trying to decide which extreme actions are currently justified by how bad I feel.

on a mission.

I changed my mind. talked myself out of it. bought a notebook instead. chainsmoked, wrote, sitting in my car in a parking lot, sweating.

it's possible that I would have regretted buying them.

I certainly regret not buying them.

I am not sure which is worse.

I am like a shitty bookshelf, that can't stand up unless propped against something more sturdy. I am absolutely incapable of functioning without an advocate, an ally. I have none of my own strength, can only borrow it from others.

I am so desperately empty inside that without a constant influx of support and reassurance I have no ability to function ( Read more... )

don't ask for things.

or talk to people.

or get emotionally invested.

things to remember:

I am completely insane. any indications to the contrary are simple anomalies, and do not mitigate the underlying truth that I am completely, totally, absolutely fucking insane. a few good hours or days or even years do not change anything.

I need to keep my mouth shut.

this isn't about me. it has never been about me. none of it has ( Read more... )

and in doing so, talk about all the things I said I wouldn't.

except religion. I left that part alone.

but -

yeah.

time for cards.

I am going to write about Beltane, for real. It...I don't even know, OK ( Read more... )

part of it is this whole *more* thing, like I am all about the *more* right now, and I feel like life is all so demanding, and I take pride in that, if not pride then comfort -

oh shit

realization

that sucks

shit

gotta love epiphanies.

that's why I write these things, though, I guess.

Comfort in it, in this schedule in this insanity in this constant list ( Read more... )

reactivity. that's the theme.

all was superb and then a client that I thought was in the bag went away, through (I hope) no fault of my own.

and then someone sent an e-mail that included a couple of condescending words. I already suspect this person hates me, and I have no idea why. and the thing she is mad about IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT WHY DOES THIS ( Read more... )

about how ever since Tuesday evening, when I finally changed my altar over, I've been feeling generally awesome.

not perfect, still kind of stressed, but this weekend especially has been filled with a general sense of stability and well-being.

and then something minor happened (I can't find my phone). and I am reminded of how terribly reactive I am ( Read more... )