that makes me want to just stop

just give up

just sit here

and not do or try or go or talk or anything at all

because I am just so desperately incompetent

and all of it is for nothing

I just can't do this.

6W                    V
9D        XIX        X
6D                    PsSw

the R.E. in reverse? how does that work? my brain hurts.

I had a good weekend. A great weekend. A moment of cohesion, feeling that disconnectedness slip away.

I had felt, recently, as if I wasn't really doing any of this, as if it were all an act. Most people don't understand what I mean by this, but there is a difference, for example, between standing up and giving and informative presentation and ( Read more... )

"How?"

"Insecure. Second-guessing everything." She has examples.

My first impulse is defensive, excusing, explaining.

Have I been weird lately? What is lately? What is perspective?

I a little bit manic and a little depressed and mostly lacking any kind of grounded-ness, lacking any sense of self. I am that which is doing the things that I am doing.

I am ( Read more... )

I also need to get my ass to the doctor, because I feel increasingly that something is wrong. That something might just be stress, or emotional toxicity, or the fact that I've got a ton of energy that I'm not using, or the fact that I am eating like shit and not drinking any water.

Or it could be an actual, serious problem. I'd like to rule that out ( Read more... )

top of the list: any time something goes wrong I fall back on feeling like it's Just Because I Suck and Can't Do This Life Thing.

It's exhausting and I get so fucking tired of caring.

where the fuck is my motivation?

seriously.

you know that feeling when you can step back away from something just a little bit, just enough to hold it, examine it, taste it? when it becomes something to consider instead of the only thing you can see? it's still real, in some ways even more so, but it is something that you can feel instead of the only thing that you are.

I love that part.

and ( Read more... )

to get packed and cleaned up and the fuck out of dodge ( Read more... )