-
maybe
it's the particular narrative, the one that says that I belong alone. that this should be the default.
I don't know how to explain it. it's a bunch of self-pitying drama.
but, basically this: get used to it. this is how you were meant to live. no one can put up with you for very long. it will always come back to this. the rest of it is lies. only ( Read more... ) -
solo
what is this?
what is it about me that so loathes solitude?
except that I don't. when it's the exception, when it's discrete, finite, determined, solitude can be lovely.
my roommates moved out less than twelve hours ago. I've got three extraneous sets of keys on my desk.
and I just got home. I am fifteen minutes into my first completely solo night in ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
it's mostly worn off, I guess.
I hate my job. -
example weird thought
people being upset is usually pretty transient, and often getting the explanation later cancels out the temporary discomfort.
therefore, this other person being upset with me doesn't matter. rushing the explanation isn't even really a big deal. a couple of hours isn't going to make a difference. -
"we are nowhere, and it's now."
Bright Eyes a bit too emo? Then how's this?
"Arms folded, nose to the floor
If it's got to be a leap of faith
I wish somebody'd push me
That way I'd know who to blame"
From "Finally Begin," Cold War Kids.
And we're going to leave the rest of that song alone, I just really like that part.
Because the little devils peek up and whisper, "I'm still here," ( Read more... ) -
a few hours of restless sleep, and these
One: I am at a grocery store. I don't think I work there, but am attempting to appease and satisfy people. Trying to find some milk, first, and they don't have what I want. Then a lot about candles. Someone wants candles to buy. There aren't any decent ones for sale, but a long, low, dark colored shelf near the exit holds quite a few. Some are lit ( Read more... ) -
words
you know that thing that happens when someone misunderstands what you're saying, and they start to answer the question before you're done talking, but the question they're answering is the wrong question?
and it's not one you would have asked?
because the answer wasn't something you wanted to know?
but you can't really ever unhear it?
do you just let ( Read more... ) -
when everything falls apart, the way it does
Here is the thing.
It cannot, of course, be the only thing, but it is a major thing, and it is the reason I am sitting in bed right now instead of doing anything else.
I don't think I can do this.
I am perhaps cautiously approaching the theoretical point at which I decide that continuously torturing myself isn't really worth it anymore.
I talk about ( Read more... ) -
I don't have mood swings
I have personality swings. I have philosophy swings. I have complete 180 reversals on my relationship to the universe.
Almost every day.
How do you fix that?
(Hint: I don't think you can.)
How do you build a life in spite of it?
(Hint: I don't think you can.)
I get so fucking tired of being me. I just want to go back to bed. -
(Untitled)
because I felt like being paranoid, I ran an analysis of my 401-K portfolio to see if I am on track for retirement...
Of course, I'm not.
Fidelity thinks I need to save an extra $300-$700 dollars per month.
See previous discussions of going totally off the grid long before that happens. Goats. I will raise goats.