I hate the tradition. I treated it the way people treated Lent.
"What can I give up this season?"
"What am I better without?"
"What habits or vices could I change?"

I'm not going to the gym this year.
I'm already reading more.
I'm not sure how long it's going to take me on some goals...

Today was glorious. I stayed awake all night, skipped my meds, ( Read more... )

TW: ADDICTION, SUICIDE

I'm scrapbooking my old journals, since I was 11. There's a lot of monotony ("Today, nothing happened"), milestones and boys. I never journaled about my girl crushes because I didn't understand that's what they were until much later.

I hit a rock. Hard. I was just cruisin along, lookin for the next thing to put in there. "He's ( Read more... )

Is there ever a point where I can be right about my own body and mind?
"I have been diagnosed with this. I've had it for quite some time now."
-Yeah well my friend's sister is a doctor in something different, and they don't believe that.
"I feel (this way)."
-Why are you always like this? That's not normal.

A nurse takes my Blood pressure and pulse.
I ( Read more... )

So, I have been scrapbooking my journals.
I have journaled since I was 11, and boy, times have changed.
Ya gotta think, that's 26 years ago.

I know that I was boy crazy, so I even started another journal to keep track of all the eye candy. (I burned it when I got married.)

I still refused to call it rape because lines are blurry.
But, it tore my heart ( Read more... )

When can I start lashing out?
After people disrespect me or my boundaries... after they CHANGE DEFINITIONS OF WORDS just to argue with me and suit them?

How about after they shove their toxic positivity down my throat like it's some sort of fucking answer?

"Be nice."

I'M IN PAIN! I DON'T WANT TO BE NICE!!
I deserve it. I deserve to be nice to.
"I didn ( Read more... )

"What if it's not bipolar?"
-A question posed to me by my new doctor.
Immediately, my defenses kicked in... I was thinking everything all at once. Can he just change my diagnosis like that? One that I've finally learned to be comfortable having? Wouldn't this change my entire buffet of pills?
"I'm not denying you have the symptoms, but what if your ( Read more... )

In the middle of a Tarot reading, my client became so adamant he didn't wish to know any more.

I didn't know how to proceed. I wanted so badly to tell him the last two cards, and that there was so much hope in them.. but he didn't want to continue.

I sat bewildered. Should I give him his money back? Why did he want this in the first place? Was it ( Read more... )

I can't figure out if I'm coping well or ignoring my feelings after Buttface's loss. I'm buying things on Amazon, and Raymond had agreed to buy a couple new cat towers and drinking fountain.
But it feels like I'm trying to "replace" him with stuff. I'm just trying to fill the void.
But... it's like it's working. I'm not crying all the time, I can ( Read more... )

Amidst the rot, there is but life
Amidst the death, there is but beauty
Amidst the loss, there is but companionship
Amidst the hardship, I will but grow strong

Petals of change
Will always sprout for me
Seeds of hope
May hol' no doubt for me

Even though I may lose my heart,
You've responded, with love, in kind
But I will always return home
Even though I ( Read more... )

...Says my doc, who finally sounds like a voice of reason.
I'm not just saying that because I hate choking down over 20 pills a day to keep myself sane and I'm still tired and passing out at the wheel.
I'm not just saying that because I hate making excuses for every little thing every time I hate every little thing.
I'm not just saying that because ( Read more... )