im sitting in a third floor loft on a thursday morning (also known as my new room) wicked high and im watching my rabbit hop all around the loft (because it has to share a room with me haha) and hoping it doesnt jump off the edges (because the whole room isnt walled in).          so yeah mom died and the entire family finally realizes that my dad  ( Read more... )

         Hes had the bedroom door locked for so long that going in there is somewhat of a strange experience now. When i step in, I always get taken back to when I took care of her, when i slept  next to her and did what ever i could to be a help. I get taken back to how i felt,  how i layed next to the open window, next to her and listening to her ( Read more... )

I was in such a drug induced state and I had so, so much to say but nothing was worth coming out. I had to sort out the letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, statements and phrases. The only thing that was actually coming out as a result was the words being typed after one another. The drive home always excites me for some reason. The lack of ( Read more... )

I honestly cant deal with my life. I feel sick to my stomache and I feel like such a complete fucking dick. I told dad about my situation and that I would have never done half of the things ive done in recents weeks if that big life changing experiance never occured. He told me that im not ok, this whole time I thought I was handling things fine ( Read more... )

I dont understand why I still cant grieve properly. Its been exactly two weeks to the day that shes been gone and ive barely cried. In a way I suppose that deep down I still think she'll come home, either that or I subconciously feel as though its pointless to cry because I can cry all I want and at the end of the day it wont bring her back ( Read more... )

im so miserable right now. everything is hitting me like a ton of bricks. once i finally started liking someone new, they end what ever it is we have because their confused. im not mad because we were moving a little too fast and we werent dating and he did just get out of a serious relationship (i dont even want a boyfriend) but i was finally able ( Read more... )

She went today. I was on the phone in my car in my driveway and dad gestered me to come into the house. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomache but then again he wasnt really crying and brooke was on the computer like any other day. he told me she passed and i fell on the floor, I almost passed out but i didnt. i dont believe this. i am in ( Read more... )

Mom finally came home yesterday after a month of being in the hospital. I heard oxygen coming from her bedroom when I came home from class last night and I knew she was finally here. It was almost like the feeling of a newborn being brought home for the first time, I was excited. I went into my parents room and called out 'mom?' she was confused ( Read more... )

I've been listening to Elliott Smith like crazy. He makes me happy in a sad sort of way. I feel like his music is THE music to my current life. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. My life wasnt like this a year ago either, hence the change. People change. I guess we must go through several mind altering situations to get to the light at the ( Read more... )

As said before, livejournal comes in when I dont want to post personal stuff on myspace. Myspace is where everyone is and barely anyone is on livejournal so I can post almost anything I want without worrying about getting phone calls from concerned friends that I may or may not have spoken to in a while ( Read more... )