It’s my Friday night and my original plan was Elder Scrolls or a Bailey Sarian marathon and makeup, but here I am, a couple of All-American Lemonades under my belt and a 90’s country playlist on Pandora.Some days are just harder than others and some days are so normal that I could choke on the grief that rises up when I remember, as though I meant ( Read more... )

The grief really do hit you out of nowhere like a sucker punch. Perhaps it's cliche to put it that way, but it's true. I texted my Dad on Thanksgiving day and I've yet to delete it, so I saw my own message with the old photo of him from the beginning of his cancer battle. It just caught me out of nowhere, like the crook they use in cartoons to drag ( Read more... )

My dad passed away on November 14th at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I know these specific details because for the last half hour of my drive, I couldn’t stop staring at the clock on my Waze screen. The minutes really did drag by.

As I have already said, I didn't make it in time. He passed moments before I turned into his driveway. I hoped and ( Read more... )

still. it's hard not to miss that something was, well, missing. hindsight being 20/20 and all that, I can look back and see where I felt compelled to obey and go along with because it was a version of something I thought I wanted. yes, certainly, there was a quality about him that was like a siren's song. yes, he was tightly coiled and I wanted ( Read more... )

The emotions of last night sort of hit me out of nowhere. Nowhere? I don't know, maybe. I mean, they aren't unexpected, I suppose, but I like to open the door to them. Not have them sneak in through a cracked window and wreak havoc on my clean house. Emotions are messy and that's fine, but I at least like to prepare a bit first. You know, put down ( Read more... )

Everyone recommends that parents of babies sleep when the baby sleeps. From my own experience, I know that rarely happens. The same is true for the caregivers of people who cannot do for themselves. I’m sure my stepmom walks miles every day, back and forth, from one end of the house to the other. She does whatever needs doing because no one else is ( Read more... )

he kissed me on the train platform and I wished he wouldn’t do it there
- I don’t remember kissing him and enjoying it. Surely we did, but I can’t recall.

he kissed me like he meant it, smirked over beer bottles and called me long distance
- After I returned from that same trip where he called me, he ghosted me. I know he regretted it because I was ( Read more... )

I don’t want to go to bed, not yet. Not when i don’t really have a reason to get x-amount of sleep. Not when tomorrow could be worse. Not when I’m sad. Not when I feel alone and lonely. Not when I want to talk to someone, but I don’t have anything to say. Not when it feels like there’s sandpaper in my eyes that will disappear when the lights go off ( Read more... )

I’ve been sitting here at my dad’s house in Kingsland, Georgia since late Friday night. Chris headed home yesterday via Greyhound and my cousin Billy also left, wanting to start the 4 hour drive so that he could meet his daughter for lunch. Saturday was the day for hospice personnel to visit and become acquainted with the family, mostly Dad and ( Read more... )

there is a lot going on in my head today.

[first] I woke up anxious this morning after a night of fitful sleep. Both Presidential candidates flitted in and out of my dreams and I can't recall a happy thought during any of them.

So, because I woke up anxious, I've been snappy and on edge. I've already had to apologize to the Rah once and Lola called ( Read more... )