i'm

[girlthatthinks]

wearing new perfume today, and i smell like a stranger. it's bizarre. i keep thinking, what is that smell? then i realize it's me

Comments

[sara_bee]

but i really don't care. if he shows up on my doorstep, or i never see him again, i don't care.

i hope that i get there soon.

Re:

[girlthatthinks]

realistically, it will not take that long.
if you had any idea the buckets of bullshit i let him put me through, you would try to have me committed.

[girlwithcat]

the sympathetic beast in me still cares. even after the cheating. and the drinking. and the cokehead friends. and the double standards. and the waking up at 3am to him sticking his fucking dick in me after carousing at the bar with his harem.
i know i shouldnt.
and i certainly dont care in that i-still-have-feelings kind of way. just in that i-once-knew-him-as-a-better-person-with-potential kind of way.

Re:

[girlthatthinks]

yea, i think i was kind of the same way for a while.. the i knew him as a better person. but i didn't really. we were friends for a while, and i thought i knew him, but really it was all superficial, and he was a huge child the entire time. underdeveloped and unwilling to make a decision ever. last year at this time, he was travelling around the world and i thought my life was fucking over, b/c he would come back all happy and evolved. meanwhile, he came back worse than he was before, and i got the fuck over it, b/c i was forced to be alone and sit around and deal with my miserable self. it's bizarre. i can totally understand you sympathizing, but i just don't even care either way anymore. he pushed me too far.. not by coming home drunk, or cheating, just by being himself. which in some ways was worse.

[girlwithcat]

i hate the feeling, upon the ending of a relationship, that so much time and energy and intimacy and emotion was completely wasted and will be sucked away and lost forever. i think thats why i cant ever let go. i dont want to accept that fact that i made a bad investment.

Re:

[girlthatthinks]

i think it was kind of that way for me too.
yet, the time i invested was so fucking miserable and unhappy, you'd think i'd be more than happy to get it over with. whatever. looking back, i don't think i ever loved him. at all. but it seemed like i did at the time. it was this whole fucking tortuous process, and i always hoped i'd be one of those people who could look back on it and say, eh, we tried. it was a mistake. whatever. but i never really thought i would be.. and i think what you're saying is right. part of the reason i was afraid to get to that point was b/c it meant i wasted all of that fucking time.

Re:

[girlwithcat]

yeah, despite teh fact that i was miserable and unhappy in the end, or rather because of that fact, i tend to focus on the first few months when i was blissful and in love. and that only makes it worse.
thanks god the worst stuff is the first thing i forget though. i would be much more of a depressed nutball if that werent the case.

and why must all relationships deteriorate...even the good ones? why cant they stay all warm and fuzzy like they are in the beginning? life isnt fair.

Re:

[girlthatthinks]

the one that ended for me, was destined to end since the 1st day. it was bad from the beginning. and yet, for a while, all i could remember was the good stuff. then all i could remember was the bad stuff, then i just didn't give a fuck about any of it.