fic: Chemistry (1/2)
MASTERPOST - PART 1 - PART 2 - TWITTER REACTION POST
Jensen first notices something's off while watching the dailies from behind Bob’s shoulder. The shot’s from scene two, first episode, and after they got it in one take, Jared broke character and said, "Still got it, baby," accepting a smattering of applause from the crew.
"Excellent," Bob says, as they watch it on replay. "Really, spot on. Just perfect."
It is not perfect.
"Don’t you think-" Jensen starts. He doesn't continue, though, because it's not his place to tell Bob how he wants the show shot. And besides, the hot coil of unease he feels watching Jared lean closer to him on screen isn't something he'd know how to put to words, anyway.
Because the camera angle is an unfortunate one. Profile shot, close-up. Focus on Sam staring at Dean's mouth while Dean glares and holds his ground, and that attention could read, to some audiences, as an impending kiss.
"Um," Jensen says.
"What was that?" Bob says, but he's not listening. He's texting someone, one eye still on the monitor.
"Never mind." Jensen finally looks away from the screen when Sam backs off.
"Great," Bob says. "Welcome to season nine." Jensen detects a calm sort of glee in his tone, like there's a lot in store and Jensen better be ready.
He goes to find Jared.
When the CW didn't renew Supernatural for the ninth season the previous May, it looked like that was it- bags packed, show's over. But just as Jensen was considering signing away the next year of his life to a seaside resort, HBO swooped in and bought up the rights.
"Hence the nudity," Jared is saying into his cell when Jensen lets himself into his trailer. Jared mouths, Lunch? at Jensen and then says into the phone, "No, dude, nothing full-frontal. We've still got class. You’re probably going to see my butt, though, so prepare yourself. We’re in the big leagues now."
Jared hangs up, but it takes most of the walk to craft services for Jensen to figure out how to broach the subject. Even though Jared's ambling along like everything's cool and normal, Jensen has to be sure.
"Hey," he asks. "Did that scene feel weird to you?"
Jared looks over, biting his nail. "Hm?"
"The one we just shot. Something was off." Jensen pulls the day's pages out of his back pocket and jabs his finger at their next scene. "Here. Right here. The discussion about ‘special feelings.' That doesn’t strike you as weird?"
Jared shrugs. "I don’t know. Sam and Dean talk about their special feelings all the time."
"And the one we’re doing after lunch." Jensen lowers his voice as they enter the tent. He isn’t sure how he agreed to it, but after lunch, he’s going to be fake-jerking off on camera for all of the American TV-watching public. It’s HBO, is what he keeps trying to tell himself. When they step into line for the fajitas, he hedges, "Isn't it sort of..."
"Sort of what?"
Jensen can't say it. He rubs at the back of his neck.
"Nothing," he decides. "You know what, it's nothing. It just feels weird is all. Like, with that talk Carver gave us last week about taking the relationship between Sam and Dean to the next level. I think this whole network change has really thrown me off."
They get their food in silence. The frenetic energy of the cast and crew rushing through lunch doesn't touch the lull that's fallen between them.
When he looks over to where Jared's getting the guy to scoop three times the normal amount of corn onto his plate, Jared smiles at him. "Is this about your solo act?" he asks, sympathy positively slathered on. He claps Jensen on the shoulder and makes supportive eyes. "I'll be there for you today if you need help."
Jensen points at Jared with his fork. "Fuck you, I'm a pro," he says, and heads to a table. He has been unintentionally prepping for this since he was 13, thank you very much, and doesn't need anybody's help making it believable.
He just has to get his head in the game, into the guts of the show. Got to make it real.
"Jensen," Bob says. "Get one knee up after you unbutton your jeans. No, the other knee. This isn't Dean trying to hide what he's doing from Sam, it's Dean inviting Sam subtly to join in."
"Ah," Jensen says, like he understands. He doesn’t understand. This is exactly the type of thing he was trying to point out to Jared at lunch.
He trusts Jeremy, though, and he trusts the rest of the writers. This in mind, he shakes his head and reminds himself that there's absolutely nothing wrong with a platonic jerk-off scene between brothers.
"Ok," he says. "I get you," and slides one foot up to block the camera in a way where, were he actually pulling it out, his dick would be on display for any guy who might be coming out of the bathroom.
The PA snaps the clapperboard. "Episode 2, scene 3! Ok! We're rolling, people!"
The set falls dead silent, not a misplaced breath. They'll add the low hum of the TV later, the patter of the shower from behind the cracked door, but right now, it's soundless.
Jared starts making Sam noises in the bathroom, and Jensen rolls his shoulders and scoots his ass down a little on the bed to get comfortable, into a splayed-out sort of easy-access position. He rubs his palms over his thighs, eyes glued to the TV like there's something nasty-interesting on, and tugs down the zipper of his jeans. He counts backward from three to calm himself before slipping his hand into the gaping front of his pants.
As described in the script, he pretends to grab himself, working his arm. It's pretty difficult to make it look like you're jerking off without actually doing it, not something he has practice with, but he does his best. He's a professional.
On the right mark, Sam opens the bathroom door and then stops dead in his tracks. Dean tips his head back and lets out a real groan when his knuckles graze his dick.
Sam sighs and says, "Gross, Dean."
He walks over to the duffel next to the second bed. Dean turns his head, watching Sam’s ass as he bends over, just like the script says. Sam rifles through the duffel bag before coming out with his hairbrush, stands up with his back still to Dean, and sits at the end of the bed.
"I'm not sure what we should do about the spirit," Sam says, tone light. "We've got no leads, no name or family history. We're just spinning our wheels until something comes up."
"Dude, can't you see I'm in the middle of something here?"
"Yeah, I can," Sam snaps. "Mind waiting till we solve this case? People are dying."
"Pissy." The cell rings, interrupting Dean’s next groan. He tips his head back and knocks it against the headboard twice when it keeps ringing, speeding up. "You wanna get that?"
Sam turns and looks at him incredulously. "No. Answer your own damn phone."
"I’m kind of occupied."
And Jensen’s actually getting pretty turned on right now. Unfortunately, in front of a couple dozen people and three cameras.
"Yeah, well, when you're finished, you can call them back. I'm not going anywhere near you right now."
"You want me to be finished you better stop talking. I don't get off on whiny little brother."
Jensen doesn't miss the way Jared's eyes flick to his crotch before he turns away, muttering, "Whatever, Dean."
Bob yells, "Cut! Guys, that was great!"
They run it again. Jensen takes slow and measured breaths and reminds himself that this is no big thing. It’s not that he’s freaked out about getting fake down ‘n dirty on screen in front of mom, dad, and the world, it’s just this creeping suspicion that this is barely even the beginning.
When Bob calls end scene, Jensen sits up straighter and he buttons himself up again quickly, his dick giving a betrayed jump in his pants.
Noise on set resumes. Jared's elbow brushes his when they both walk off camera for some ice water, which Jensen considers tipping down his pants.
"Hey," he says. "You really think they used to jerk off together?"
Jared shrugs, considering. "I mean, I could see it. Grow up that close to each other...you know."
When Jensen doesn't say anything for a while, Jared asks, "You really never thought about it?"
Jensen shakes his head. Maybe he’s overreacting.
In light of the conversation with Jared, the conversation with Jeremy isn't exactly surprising. It takes Jensen a couple days to decide to even talk to him about it, though, and only after the script for episode two features more of the same.
If Jensen’s getting a certain vibe filming scenes, he suspects it might majorly affect the final product. So after the scene where Sam has to get his fingers in Dean’s mouth to clear out swamp muck (mushy oreo crumbs) and then holds Dean as he coughs up swamp water (chocolate milk), Jensen goes to talk to Jeremy.
"Well," Jeremy says. "We were going to schedule a meeting next week to talk about the direction the show is going this season, but as long as you’re here, let’s chat."
"Ok."
"Here’s the deal," Jeremy tells him. "In recent seasons, Sam has been through a lot."
"Yeah."
"This show touches on some dark themes."
Jensen snorts. "Yes."
"So, we've talked about this. Sam's been in this arc of redemption, trying to let go of anger and revenge for the past three seasons. Finally he's reached a point, after Amelia last season, where he sees what it would be like to be quote unquote normal, to settle down and have a more stationary, domestic life."
Jensen nods along.
"And as you may recall, we've done a really solid job on providing the audience in-car conversations where Sam tells Dean, very pointedly, that he wants to settle down, maybe stop hunting. In fact, he practically demands it of him."
Jensen experiences a lurch of understanding, but does his best to ignore it.
"Okay, yeah. He does say that," he says. "But that was in a general sense, right? Sam wants to settle down but like, find a girl, someone like Amelia. Maybe even Amelia herself. Maybe throw a little Don action in there, yeah? He and Sam had some real chemistry. Jared and Liane kept joking about a threesome-"
Jeremy lets out a short laugh and cuts him off. "So, Sam's told Dean how he wants to settle down. And ever since we brought in the bunker, you'll notice, Sam's stopped bringing this up. Jared’s delivery, glaring at Dean, waiting for Dean to respond, was ambiguous enough so as to provide a perfect lead up to this season."
"Yeah, because they have a home now."
"Exactly. He and Dean have a home now, a place where he can be settled, just like he told Dean he wanted, with his brother. And that's the crux of the matter. That's what we've been edging toward, and it fits perfectly in with Sam's emotional arc. This whole time, Sam’s been telling Dean he wants to settle down, and Dean’s been misinterpreting it. Sam doesn’t want to leave him, though, Sam's just wanted to settle down with him."
Jensen thinks with a resigned sort of doom that he was right from the get go.
Regardless, it shakes him when Carver continues cheerfully, "So we’re going the incest route. And I know, I know, it’s unconventional and practically unexplored territory, but this has been in the works since the beginning, this next step." He shakes his head and says, "Kripke, man," like they're talking religion, parsing laws and edicts and summing it all up with God, right? What are you going to do?
Jensen is thrown. Understandably, he thinks. Jesus Christ. The incest route. But he has a lot of respect for Jeremy and is generally happy with the way he's been steering the show, so what he has to say-his vision-is important. He swallows down the high-pitched giggle threatening to burst out.
"This isn't jumping the shark," Jeremy's saying when Jensen tunes back in. "This is fitting and long planned for. We just never thought it would make it to the screen, what with the CW not wanting to show gay sex between brothers." Jensen shuts his eyes, feeling pained. Jeremy’s tone is dismissive, if kind. "Sorry we couldn't let you in on this. We wanted your and Jared’s character interactions to come off as true as possible. Kripke told Jared on his first day to make it realistic, and the writers have written it with that in mind as well. Sam’s been attracted to Dean since he was a teenager, and left for college to escape it."
"Hmmm," Jensen manages.
"You're a great actor, Jensen. That's what's so wonderful about this show. It's coherent and consistent and thoughtful, and you both respect it, you both respect your characters. I'm sure you see how this next step fits Dean. Beginning of season nine, he isn't cognizant of the attraction himself, yet, and we get all the fun of breaking the ice."
Jeremy sits back, waiting. Jensen takes a deep breath.
"But-" But, it's really fucked up, he wants to say. He shouldn't have to say it, it's obvious.
"I know," Jeremy says, reading it in his voice on and his face. "It’s a dark show, Jensen. Something we pride ourselves on. This is a ballsy move, but when have you known us to back down?"
"True-"
"So. Are you in?"
"Of course I'm in," Jensen says. "But damn, warn a guy."
"Great." Jeremy leans back in his chair. "It's going to be a work of art. I'm pretty excited about plumbing the depths of this kind of sin."
"Plumbing the depths," Jensen groans, and Jeremy laughs him out of the room.
When Jensen's pointing at the ravioli at craft services later during second lunch slash snack, Jared comes up and jostles him.
Jensen turns on him. "You knew."
Jared tries to look innocent but Jensen keeps giving him a look until Jared’s shoulders sag. "Yeah, sorry," he says. "I'm a total asshole for not telling you, but I was contractually bound, after all."
"That’s why you’re annoyingly calm about this."
"Maybe I’m a better actor."
"Or you’ve had, what? Eight seasons to get used to this idea?"
He does actually look repentant, though. Jensen sighs.
"Fine, I forgive you." It isn’t that hard, actually. "You're kind of a dick, but it's not your fault."
"Right, right," Jared says, then waggles his eyebrows. "So, what'd you say? Sam gonna get some lovin’?"
Jensen rolls his eyes. "Maybe."
"Whoo!"
When Jared drags him in against his side into a rough headlock, Jensen says, muffled, "You think I'd just ditch out? I'm hurt, man. Right here, in the chest. Now get your hands off me. We ain't practicing any porno scenes till next week."
"Can't wait," Jared tells him, and then turns his hundred-watt smile toward charming his way into three extra chicken strips.
They are going to begin filming for the porno scene at 6AM, Tuesday morning, so on Monday, they run lines.
Jared has referred to it as the porno scene so often over the past week that the phrase has ceased being hilarious or gut wrenching and has, in fact, lost all meaning. Jensen has stopped thinking about what exactly it’s going to mean to have Jared up close and personal with that sort of intent, to have to put himself into Dean's shoes, freaked out and, as the new script actually spells out, desperately turned on by his brother.
"So, Dean’s sitting on the bed," Jensen reads. "Cleaning a gun."
Jared nods. "And Sam comes in with takeout and stops by his knees."
"We get into an argument and-"
"Handjob."
"You chickening out on me?"
"No way," Jared says. "Name one time I’ve ever chickened out on anything."
Jensen reads, "Dean, with his shoulders pressed against the wall with his brother’s hands down his pants: Sammy."
Maybe it’s his imagination, but Jared looks a little pink around the ears. "So," Jared shifts on his feet. "Do you wanna try to run it through once, or-"
"Come on," Jensen says. "Push me up against the wall."
"Ok."
Like anything else they do together, they’re intuitive in this. Jared pushes him up against the wall easy and they deliver their lines like that. The only difference is, Jensen tries to practice Dean’s looking all sultry-like at Sam.
Jensen’s trying not to be. But he’s worried that way the relationship between Sam and Dean is evolving will somehow undermine the integrity of their characters and the show. This show doesn’t win awards, it survives on its own merit and the ways it speaks to people. Saying yes to this change in the relationship was a snap decision, but he knows it was, without a doubt, the right one to make.
He respects the show, respects all the work they’ve put into it, and, if he’s being honest with himself, he feels perversely intrigued at how the network’s going to carry this new development off.
"And then I give you a handjob," Jared concludes.
Jensen nods. "Right. Totally normal. Can do."
They stare at each other.
"So are we-"
They’re interrupted by Jensen's favorite props guy, who tells them about some knife they're going to be flinging around. He tells them it's a sharper rubber than the other ones, and please would they try to be careful. He directs this specifically at Jensen, which makes Jared laugh some more, and makes Jensen feel aggrieved at the slander while the props guy rolls his eyes and says, "Just try not to bend it this time, ok?"
"I'm offended," Jensen says a minute later, after the guy’s left.
"Unfounded," Jared says, eyes crinkling up at the sides. "I’m just saying, the Colt."
"Was one of eleven copies," Jensen says, drowning him out. Eleven-ish. "And that one was an anomoly."
"Anomoly my ass," says Jared. He smirks at Jensen and makes a grab for his elbow, and somehow they forget to keep running lines until it’s too late to keep practicing.
Monday night feels like a launch countdown. At 7pm, it's T-Minus twelve hours until Jensen's going to be filming the hand job scene. He spends a couple hours getting into Dean’s headspace and comes away feeling troubled but like he might have greater insight into Dean’s motivations. By the time the baseball game rolls around, it's T- Minus ten hours, and so on, until at 5:30am the next day when Jensen gets the call saying the car's there, he's ragged-feeling, just rolled out of bed and in running shorts, on his elbows watching the coffee maker drip.
He pours out a travel mug of coffee and when he goes outside and climbs into the car, he says hey to Clif and passes out again, his head hitting the seat back next to Jared's shoulder.
"Can I have some?" Jared asks.
Jensen holds the coffee out his way and then dozes for the entire trip. He spent all night thinking about the scene, prepping, and now he doesn't even think about it. He’s content to let the quick tide of fate drag him along until he's forced to think about it again on set when the blocking guy, Dave, has a discussion with him about hard-ons.
"We're really having this talk," Jensen says. He has to make conscious effort to keep his face neutral. Romance scenes make him get all awkward.
"Yes," Dave says, steamrolling past any of Jensen's insecurities.
The man's a professional, and Jensen feels like a twelve-year-old.
"So, we put a lot of thought into this scene," Dave tells him. "And we decided you could do it however you wanted, physically. You know, whether Dean gets fully hard or not. We'd like to know ahead of time how you're going to play it, though, so we can work out some kinks in camera angles."
Jensen clears his throat. He's not sure how to answer. Embarrassingly enough, he's getting hard just thinking about it. Back before all this started, when he was first moving out to California, he'd sworn to his sister he'd never to do porn, pinky promised even. He'd felt his face go red and he'd said, "Mackenzie," horrified at the thought. But Jensen wonders now if this season's going to make him break that promise. He wonders where the line between porn and ‘mature programming’ lies, and suspects that anything where people have to ask about the state of his dick is toeing it.
"So?" Dave asks.
Jensen refocuses. "Huh?"
"Ok, hard," Dave says, making a note of it on his clipboard as he walks off.
Jensen goes and collapses into the chair next to Jared’s. "The way they treat us here, I swear," he says.
Jared reaches over. "Hey, give me your phone for a sec."
"Why? Get your own phone." He hands it over anyway. Jared types for a second while Jensen blinks to stay awake. "What're you doing?"
"Tweeting about this." Jared downloaded a twitter app on Jensen’s phone for this express purpose. "I’m telling my mom I’m sorry."
The energy on set has really ramped up in the past half-hour. It's mostly excitement on everyone else’s part, and something like good-natured dread on Jensen's.
"Hey, you ok?" Jared asks when the crew's about done setting up.
"Yeah, of course." Jensen rolls his shoulders. He catches Jared jiggling his knee and looks over. "You good?"
Jared nods. "Yeah. Just a little...you know." He waves a hand.
"Hey," Jensen says. "It’s gonna be cool. There’s no dude I’d rather have fake brother sex with than you."
"Aw." Jared puts a hand on Jensen’s knee. "That’s almost a declaration."
"Yeah, well it’s the best you’re ever gonna get from me, so you better treasure it."
It’s fine to talk big, but when he and Jared find their marks, he feels a vague jittery quality about himself that he hasn’t had since early seasons. He feels like his scalp is going red under his hair he's blushing so hard, but there are filtered lights warm on them and the room is sort of dark, so it probably won't be picked up on film.
"Hold up," Jared is benevolent enough to tell the thirty or so onlookers in a loud voice. "Jensen's got stage fright."
"Shut the fuck up," Jensen says.
"I'll feed you lines," a PA tells him. She always does it perfectly. That is not the issue here.
"Thanks, Amy," he says instead of explaining how his sister's going to kill him.
"Jensen, your mark's there on the far bed. Remember, just like the script says. There’s an argument, then Dean gets to his feet. Sam moves in and get him against the wall. Dean goads Sam into jerking him off. Jensen, I want you challenging, almost like you’re daring him to do it, even when he’s got his hand on you. Got it?"
Jared keeps on staring at his script but can’t seem to help flicking his eyes in Jensen’s direction. Jensen goes to the bed and grabs a cloth and his gun and a rag and heads to the bed. The cameras roll.
"It’s not what you think," Sam says.
"Dammit, it’s exactly what I think!"
Sam glares at Dean, who gives as good as he gets. When Dean moves like he’s about to walk away, Sam slaps a hand on the wall and looms in.
The first thing Jensen notices is that this brings Jared very close to him. He’d be the first to admit that they’re not big on personal space on a normal day, but Jensen’s never been backed against to wall, chest to chest with him.
"I’m not gonna let you leave this motel," Sam says. "I’ll stop you, Dean."
Dean lifts his chin. "Yeah, well, I’d like to see you try."
Jared ducks his head for a moment and then crowds closer and grabs for Jensen’s belt.
Jensen feels a weird thrill when Jared’s mouth touches his ear and he groans. "Oh, Dean, you’re so hot. Want your mouth around me, big boy-"
Jensen breaks character. "Oh definitely. Big boy?"
"Cut!"
"Your line was 'Sammy,'" the PA calls over.
"Not like I can remember any of my lines with this fool mumbling obscenities. You wouldn’t believe the things that come out of his mouth when you get close to him." Jensen is used to Jared screwing around, but man, now that they’re on the verge of actually screwing around. It’s getting all mixed up in Jensen’s head.
"Take your time, Jensen," Bob says, just as Jared argues, "Obscenities! It’s poetry."
Jensen shakes it out, thinking he and Jared really should have worked out blocking by themselves, alone in a trailer or somewhere else secluded. That would have gone great. Just the two of them, doing a fake hand job scene. For some reason the idea hits him the wrong way.
He clears his throat. "Hey, you know what? Shouldn't we-"
"Shouldn't you what?" Jeremy asks.
"Ok, Sam and Dean are about to get hot and heavy, so shouldn't there be a kiss in there, or something? I mean, we didn’t discuss, but I’d assumed-"
Jeremy looks considering. He says, "Well, no. This isn't romance. It's gritty and fucked up."
Jensen blinks. "Uh-"
"Sam and Dean don't kiss. It's angry and not at all romantic. It's a really messy situation. They're in denial. They don't even talk about the times they mess around, just act like it doesn't exist. Kissing would be too honest."
"Right," says Jensen.
They botch another take when someone’s cell goes off and another when a chair gets knocked over. The next time around, Jensen swears he can feel the wall crack when Jared slaps his hand next to his head. Jensen takes a deep breath and then it’s Jared everywhere, pressed up against him, angry. He’s hot and big and could hold Jensen against this wall, easy, if he wanted to.
Jared ducks in close again, and for a second Jensen could have sworn there was going to be some mouth-to-mouth they are that close, but instead, Jared presses his lips to Jensen’s jaw and slides a hand down under his waistband.
When Jared gets a hand on his cock, Jensen experiences a flush of want that runs down the back of his neck and leaves him breathless. He feels hot all over, shocked, and knocks Jared’s hand away.
"Cut!" Bob says. "Jared, please stop fondling Jensen. It was supposed to be the one grab, then we cut away. Jensen, you’re doing great."
Jensen is not doing great.
He’s got goosebumps up his arms and there’s sweat beading on his temples, streaking up his foundation. He’s not sure what just happened but he thinks it was bad.
Then, Jared takes a step back and suddenly Jensen can breathe again. He looks furtively around but everyone is taking sips from coffee cups and fiddling with equipment, because apparently they didn’t notice the thunderbolt epiphany that just broke Jensen’s reality, namely that Jared’s hand...on him...is really great.
"You okay, man?" Jared's sitting on his ass on the table, giving Jensen a concerned look. His mouth is twisting and he’s a bit too close again.
Jensen pulls out his script to give himself something to look at other than Jared’s hands. Or his mouth. Or the half an inch between his thigh and Jensen’s. "Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?"
Jared frowns but Bob cuts in, beaming.
"You guys, this looks really good. Excellent work. You really nailed it. Jensen, your face is a gift."
Jensen thinks, at least his horrifying realization that he’s attracted to Jared looks good on film.
"Now, I think we got all the conversation we need so Jared, you want to go back to your mark and do some heavy breathing while you give Jensen a rough hand job for a couple minutes? And after that, we can call this a wrap!"
"Oh god." Jensen settles back against the wall. He should feel swamped with relief - finishing a scene of this sort so quickly usually takes an hour at the least - but all he can think about is Jared and the rough hand job.
"Huh?" Jared asks, getting back in position as well. This puts them back in a skin-brushing, shared-air space.
Jensen presses himself fractionally against the wall so that they’re touching as little as possible. "Nothing."
"O-kay," Jared says. He looks put out, worried. But Jensen is having issues of his own. It’s suddenly apparent just how good Jared smells, even though it’s the same as he normally does. Jensen’s used that shampoo. It’s nothing special.
The lights are hot on his skin and he wants, more than anything, for Jared to do it for real this time.
The cameras roll and Jensen doesn’t have to pretend when he squeezes his eyes shut and just lets Jared do what he’s doing. And after that, when they break for lunch, Jensen lets a few people slap him on the back before slinking away. He feels like everyone's watching him try to hide the Subway footlong in his pants.
He clicks the door to his trailer soft behind him with restrained, slow movements, locks it, and collapses onto the couch, and then stays like that his entire break, wondering what just happened. His thoughts keep slinging back to Jared crowding him up against the old wallpaper and pressing him with his hand.
He closes his eyes and sits there for the remainder of lunch, trying seriously not to think about Jared or anything of the sort.
That afternoon they shoot a scene where Dean wrestles a pig monster. Jensen is off-kilter and surly, and wrestling a pig helps relieve some stress that’s been on a slow build. Afterward, wiping fake blood off his neck with a towel, Jensen calls his brother, who immediately tells Jensen it sounds like he needs a vacation. After this, Jensen eats a sandwich. Everything is fine. Only later that night does he allow himself to quietly think things through, staring at the dark ceiling.
Regardless of what he may or may not be feeling about Jared, what it comes down to is Jensen is not that kind of guy. He’s not just going to up and ruin the best relationship he’s ever had just to test a possibility.
He sees with great clarity what is in store for him this season. It's going to mean touching Jared. It's going to mean Jared touching him. It's going to mean fake hand jobs and blow jobs and probably fake penetrative sex of some sort and just generally it’s going to mean Jared kneeling over him while people watch.
It'll be like looking at a cake but not having it or eating it, just touching it with one finger and saying, "Yes, wow, that does look good. I was right."
Jensen gets the script for episode three and gives in and calls Danneel. He and Dani dated for almost a year, and they’ve remained good friends.
"No, yeah," Jensen says into his phone, zipping his jacket against the breeze. "Everything's good."
"You sound hunted," Danneel tells him like that’s normal. "Like, did you commit a crime, or...?"
Jensen looks both ways then steps further into the shadow of the dumpster. He cups his hand over the mouthpiece. "Things are weird, Dani. Like, this season and stuff."
"I see. How so?"
"Well."
He can’t very well say he just had a flash of how great it would be to have Jared real serious about getting him off. The fact that he’s suddenly understood just how hot Jared is feels like a breach of that friendship. He still feels sick to his stomach about it, a week later. It’s not something he knows how to talk about.
"It's just...weird," he says.
Danneel waits for a tick, and when he doesn't say anything, says, "Ok, what can you explain?"
"This season features…deeper familial relations."
"Deeper," she repeats.
"Yes."
"What? As in- Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god," she says. "Oh my god, are you actually fucking with me?"
While he waits for her to stop cracking up, Jensen thinks again of Jared pressed up against the front of him, one hand shoved in against his cock. Jensen shakes his head to clear it, feeling something shiver down his back.
"Yeah," he says, voice rough. "It's kind of, um-"
When he doesn’t finish the thought, Danneel says, "I don't know if you're joking or not, but this is great. Tell me you're not joking."
Jensen wants to tell her everything. Tell her that he suddenly knows without question that he’s in trouble. He needs advice.
A hand grabs him just as he's about to spill his woe into the phone to someone safely a thousand miles away. It's a PA who steps back and squeaks when Jensen jumps.
"Oh, sorry, Christie," he says.
"They sent me to find you," she tells him, collecting herself. "You're up in five." She wrinkles her nose. "Why are you hanging out by the trash?"
Danneel is still laughing so he hangs up on her. Jensen smiles at Christie and follows her back to set, trying to look like he isn't on the edge of a freak out.
Christie finds him later.
"Hey, are you okay?" From the look on her face, she and everyone else knows he hasn't been at his best. "The last couple weeks, you've looked kind of...."
"Yeah." Jensen moves to run a hand through his hair but then stops because he doesn't want to face the wrath of hair and makeup. Thing is, he wants to tell someone. Needs to. He considers not choosing an underpaid assistant to unload his issues - poor kid did not sign up for this shit - but then does it anyway. "Yeah. It's just like...This whole thing."
"Whole thing?"
"Yeah." He rubs a hand over the back of his neck. "Yeah, the Sam and Dean thing. Like, them being…you know. Together. It’s just kind of hard with Jared." There, he’s said it. "It just kind of hits home, you know?"
"What do you..." she starts, and then a look of absolute pity washes over her face. "Oh. Oh. Jensen, I'm so sorry. The sex scenes. Between brothers."
"Yeah," he says. She obviously gets it, so he doesn't have to spell it out for her, doesn't have to put his weird epiphany-crush on Jared into words. "Yeah, I mean. It's fine. It's just kind of like..."
"Triggery," she supplies, nodding in understanding.
Jensen pauses. "That’s a little strong, but yeah. I mean, it just brings a lot of shit to the forefront, and I'd rather not have this whole life-changing thing happen on camera."
"Have you talked to anyone about it? Carver?"
"Yeah, I mean. It's in my contract. It's no big deal, really."
She looks tragic for him. It’s disgustingly validating, actually, and Jensen feels like he deserves a tub of Ben & Jerry's to go along with this. "Anyway, I don't know why I'm complaining. It's just work. It's not the real thing. And I haven't talked about it to anyone," he says. "Please don't tell anyone. Don't tell...don't tell Jared."
"I would never betray your confidence," she says. She looks kind of sad. She pats his hand. "Have you ever considered counseling?"
He pauses, suddenly uneasy. There is a very faint possibility they're not talking about the same thing here. "I don't think - "
"It'll be all right," she assures him. "You come talk to me if you need to. And if this gets really bad, you should really talk to them again."
"Thanks for listening," Jensen tells her uncertainly.
She greets Jensen with coffee every hour, on the hour, for the rest of the day, and the next morning he walks into this trailer to find pamphlets for incest survivors on the table, with a message reminding him to be brave.
"Ah," he says to the room.
It’s a couple days before they film another scene that requires him to deal with touching Jared.
They’ve been through hair and makeup and he's had two iced lattes. He's had one banana but anything else and he's probably going to feel more nauseated than he already does. He steadfastly finishes the whole thing even though he feels like people are giving him knowing glances, which makes him want to shout from the rooftops about how Sam is going down on him today, not the other way around.
The scene is consciously reminiscent of a scene at the end of Season 1, when Sam has him cornered against the wall. But the difference is, Jensen had played that as all platonic desperation. This time around, it’s difficult in a new way. It's incest and no matter how Jensen tries to slice it, it's still hard to justify in his head, and that makes it hard to play. There is only one scene they’ve shot where Sam and Dean have talked about it, and it was a very vague, freaked out sort of discussion, ending with them saying, "Yeah, uh," and then staring hard at menus in front of them at the diner table.
Jeremy tells Jared, "All you have to do is step up to Jensen and fall to your knees and look up pleadingly at him, then deliver your lines."
"All I have to do," Jared says under his breath, which makes Jensen feel a little better. He's the only one to catch it, and Jared gives him a look.
"And Jensen," Jeremy says. "Stand there until he does, and steel yourself."
"So," Jensen asks. "Do I step back and hit the wall? Or like, a half-step."
"Dean takes an aborted step back, and then Sam's going to grab Dean's lower leg. We don't want it to look like Dean's cornered. You’re breathing hard, you're angry again, and afraid, but you don't even step back into the wall, you just stop when Sam gets you to stop. Then he feels up your leg, ok?"
"So, this isn't acting," Jared says.
Jensen says, "Shut the hell up, you're never going to feel up my leg."
Jared shrugs. "You know I like your calves."
"Whatever," Jensen says. "Let's get this over with."
He ignores how, once they get past this scene, there's who knows how much worse in store for them.
"Dean, I can't-"
"You can't what, Sam? You can't go on like this? You can't do what we do anymore?" Dean waves a hand between them. "Is that it? Want to stop hunting for good?"
"Shut up," Sam says. "Shut up, I swear to God, Dean, if you'd just listen to me."
"I am listening to you, you just aren't saying anything. What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me what you want, Dean."
Dean clenches his jaw. He says, "I just want you to be happy, Sam. That's it. God knows I've tried." He takes a steadying breath. "Look, you gotta help me out, man. Just tell me. Whatever it is has got to be better than this, you being pissed at me."
"What do you want me to say, Dean?"
"Who says I want you to say anything?"
Jared hesitates, looks to the camera like it's a door he's telling himself not to run for, then drops to his knees. It's graceful. Jensen takes a surprised step back, almost tripping. If it didn't get Jensen going the first time, it definitely does now, because Jared's expression when he looks up at him is determined. Sam really wants this, Jensen reminds himself. Like, a lot.
Sam shuffles forward on his knees and touches Dean on the calf and stares at his crotch.
"Uh," Dean says. "What're you-"
"What does it look like?" Sam asks, voice rough, and then leans in and rubs his cheek over Jensen's fly.
He gets it right because Jensen's cock is showing obviously through his jeans, and he has to bite his lip to hold back on the groan that would embarrass him in front of every camera person and staff member on set currently watching Jared grope the back of his leg.
When Jensen looks down, Jared's looking up at him, serious expression on his face, still stolid.
"Uh," Jensen says again, and then catches his breath when Jared slides his hands up Jensen's legs, and reaches his fly. Jensen sees his hands are shaking. Jared as Sam unbuttons him slowly, pulls down the zipper, clumsy, so that Dean's jeans drop just like they would if this were real, if it were Jared were on his knees in the dark of Jensen's bedroom.
Someone yells "Cut!" when Jared gets his big hands spanned around Jensen's waist, his thumbs sliding under the waistband of Jensen's black boxer briefs.
Jensen coughs and waits for Jared to breathe easy again, before reaching down to offer him an arm up.
"Damn," Bob says, after reviewing the takes. "You guys really nail these romance scenes."
"Soap opera," Jensen says, pointing to himself. "And Jared's just used to getting on his knees, so."
"I like the view from down here," Jared says, apparently unfazed.
There's this scene where Dean's supposed to have his way with Sam up against the motel desk, sex so close to fighting it’s dangerous. It feels out of character, and Jensen doesn’t want to be that guy but Jeremy doesn’t look surprised when he sits next to him with the script rolled in his hands.
"Jensen?"
"Look, it's not that I'm not a fan," he tells him. "Of angry incest sex. Because, believe me, I'm so on board. Signed away all my rights and all that good stuff. But I dunno, I guess I thought it was going to be more..." he waves his hand around a bit. "Flowery?"
"Sure," says Jeremy, "I can see why you’d think that. Don’t worry, though. This is an angry scene." He looks thoughtful. "Maybe we need another shove."
"Yes, there are, as you say, a lot of feelings going on," Jensen says. "Unspoken, currently. In my reading, and this is just my opinion, Dean is more given to grand shows of affection, almost to the point of cheesiness. So all the angry, rough stuff is great and all, but maybe we could add a little more of that side of his character. Maybe…?"
Jeremy laughs. "I’ll see what I can do."
Jensen’s well-meaning efforts only make things worse. Jensen gets his one hand on Jared's shoulder and the other on Jared's hip, and grinds up against him from behind. Jared's hands are gripping the desk, jeans caught somewhere by the knee and Dean's jacket's thrown off onto the nightstand while a western blares on the motel TV.
Jensen turns him around and pushes him to the bed. Now, though, Jeremy’s changed it to a honeymoon suite for added romance, and Jensen takes a handful of the cherries from the bowl on the side table and carefully presses them against Jared's chest. He’s already drizzled him all over with chocolate syrup.
Red juice trickles down Jared's chest, and Jensen thinks, Well, and smashes them with more intent. He ducks his head and doesn't let himself hesitate, presses his tongue to the flat of Jared's abs to lick the smear of chocolate and juice.
Jared's got his head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut. It makes Jensen catch his breath. He’s finding it next to impossible to stay in character for all of this. Not only does he know Jared’s probably having a hard time not laughing, but he can feel how taught Jared’s muscles have gone under his hands, how Jared feels vibrant where Jensen touches him.
"Up," Jensen says, and Jared crab walks up on the bed completely, flopping onto his back with one foot flat against the mattress.
Jensen wrestles him into a better position with his hand up around Jared’s neck.
He kneels on the mattress between the long legs he’s got on display before him, thinking this is going to be the end of his sanity. He cleans the red away with concerted effort.
PART 2
Jensen first notices something's off while watching the dailies from behind Bob’s shoulder. The shot’s from scene two, first episode, and after they got it in one take, Jared broke character and said, "Still got it, baby," accepting a smattering of applause from the crew.
"Excellent," Bob says, as they watch it on replay. "Really, spot on. Just perfect."
It is not perfect.
"Don’t you think-" Jensen starts. He doesn't continue, though, because it's not his place to tell Bob how he wants the show shot. And besides, the hot coil of unease he feels watching Jared lean closer to him on screen isn't something he'd know how to put to words, anyway.
Because the camera angle is an unfortunate one. Profile shot, close-up. Focus on Sam staring at Dean's mouth while Dean glares and holds his ground, and that attention could read, to some audiences, as an impending kiss.
"Um," Jensen says.
"What was that?" Bob says, but he's not listening. He's texting someone, one eye still on the monitor.
"Never mind." Jensen finally looks away from the screen when Sam backs off.
"Great," Bob says. "Welcome to season nine." Jensen detects a calm sort of glee in his tone, like there's a lot in store and Jensen better be ready.
He goes to find Jared.
When the CW didn't renew Supernatural for the ninth season the previous May, it looked like that was it- bags packed, show's over. But just as Jensen was considering signing away the next year of his life to a seaside resort, HBO swooped in and bought up the rights.
"Hence the nudity," Jared is saying into his cell when Jensen lets himself into his trailer. Jared mouths, Lunch? at Jensen and then says into the phone, "No, dude, nothing full-frontal. We've still got class. You’re probably going to see my butt, though, so prepare yourself. We’re in the big leagues now."
Jared hangs up, but it takes most of the walk to craft services for Jensen to figure out how to broach the subject. Even though Jared's ambling along like everything's cool and normal, Jensen has to be sure.
"Hey," he asks. "Did that scene feel weird to you?"
Jared looks over, biting his nail. "Hm?"
"The one we just shot. Something was off." Jensen pulls the day's pages out of his back pocket and jabs his finger at their next scene. "Here. Right here. The discussion about ‘special feelings.' That doesn’t strike you as weird?"
Jared shrugs. "I don’t know. Sam and Dean talk about their special feelings all the time."
"And the one we’re doing after lunch." Jensen lowers his voice as they enter the tent. He isn’t sure how he agreed to it, but after lunch, he’s going to be fake-jerking off on camera for all of the American TV-watching public. It’s HBO, is what he keeps trying to tell himself. When they step into line for the fajitas, he hedges, "Isn't it sort of..."
"Sort of what?"
Jensen can't say it. He rubs at the back of his neck.
"Nothing," he decides. "You know what, it's nothing. It just feels weird is all. Like, with that talk Carver gave us last week about taking the relationship between Sam and Dean to the next level. I think this whole network change has really thrown me off."
They get their food in silence. The frenetic energy of the cast and crew rushing through lunch doesn't touch the lull that's fallen between them.
When he looks over to where Jared's getting the guy to scoop three times the normal amount of corn onto his plate, Jared smiles at him. "Is this about your solo act?" he asks, sympathy positively slathered on. He claps Jensen on the shoulder and makes supportive eyes. "I'll be there for you today if you need help."
Jensen points at Jared with his fork. "Fuck you, I'm a pro," he says, and heads to a table. He has been unintentionally prepping for this since he was 13, thank you very much, and doesn't need anybody's help making it believable.
He just has to get his head in the game, into the guts of the show. Got to make it real.
"Jensen," Bob says. "Get one knee up after you unbutton your jeans. No, the other knee. This isn't Dean trying to hide what he's doing from Sam, it's Dean inviting Sam subtly to join in."
"Ah," Jensen says, like he understands. He doesn’t understand. This is exactly the type of thing he was trying to point out to Jared at lunch.
He trusts Jeremy, though, and he trusts the rest of the writers. This in mind, he shakes his head and reminds himself that there's absolutely nothing wrong with a platonic jerk-off scene between brothers.
"Ok," he says. "I get you," and slides one foot up to block the camera in a way where, were he actually pulling it out, his dick would be on display for any guy who might be coming out of the bathroom.
The PA snaps the clapperboard. "Episode 2, scene 3! Ok! We're rolling, people!"
The set falls dead silent, not a misplaced breath. They'll add the low hum of the TV later, the patter of the shower from behind the cracked door, but right now, it's soundless.
Jared starts making Sam noises in the bathroom, and Jensen rolls his shoulders and scoots his ass down a little on the bed to get comfortable, into a splayed-out sort of easy-access position. He rubs his palms over his thighs, eyes glued to the TV like there's something nasty-interesting on, and tugs down the zipper of his jeans. He counts backward from three to calm himself before slipping his hand into the gaping front of his pants.
As described in the script, he pretends to grab himself, working his arm. It's pretty difficult to make it look like you're jerking off without actually doing it, not something he has practice with, but he does his best. He's a professional.
On the right mark, Sam opens the bathroom door and then stops dead in his tracks. Dean tips his head back and lets out a real groan when his knuckles graze his dick.
Sam sighs and says, "Gross, Dean."
He walks over to the duffel next to the second bed. Dean turns his head, watching Sam’s ass as he bends over, just like the script says. Sam rifles through the duffel bag before coming out with his hairbrush, stands up with his back still to Dean, and sits at the end of the bed.
"I'm not sure what we should do about the spirit," Sam says, tone light. "We've got no leads, no name or family history. We're just spinning our wheels until something comes up."
"Dude, can't you see I'm in the middle of something here?"
"Yeah, I can," Sam snaps. "Mind waiting till we solve this case? People are dying."
"Pissy." The cell rings, interrupting Dean’s next groan. He tips his head back and knocks it against the headboard twice when it keeps ringing, speeding up. "You wanna get that?"
Sam turns and looks at him incredulously. "No. Answer your own damn phone."
"I’m kind of occupied."
And Jensen’s actually getting pretty turned on right now. Unfortunately, in front of a couple dozen people and three cameras.
"Yeah, well, when you're finished, you can call them back. I'm not going anywhere near you right now."
"You want me to be finished you better stop talking. I don't get off on whiny little brother."
Jensen doesn't miss the way Jared's eyes flick to his crotch before he turns away, muttering, "Whatever, Dean."
Bob yells, "Cut! Guys, that was great!"
They run it again. Jensen takes slow and measured breaths and reminds himself that this is no big thing. It’s not that he’s freaked out about getting fake down ‘n dirty on screen in front of mom, dad, and the world, it’s just this creeping suspicion that this is barely even the beginning.
When Bob calls end scene, Jensen sits up straighter and he buttons himself up again quickly, his dick giving a betrayed jump in his pants.
Noise on set resumes. Jared's elbow brushes his when they both walk off camera for some ice water, which Jensen considers tipping down his pants.
"Hey," he says. "You really think they used to jerk off together?"
Jared shrugs, considering. "I mean, I could see it. Grow up that close to each other...you know."
When Jensen doesn't say anything for a while, Jared asks, "You really never thought about it?"
Jensen shakes his head. Maybe he’s overreacting.
In light of the conversation with Jared, the conversation with Jeremy isn't exactly surprising. It takes Jensen a couple days to decide to even talk to him about it, though, and only after the script for episode two features more of the same.
If Jensen’s getting a certain vibe filming scenes, he suspects it might majorly affect the final product. So after the scene where Sam has to get his fingers in Dean’s mouth to clear out swamp muck (mushy oreo crumbs) and then holds Dean as he coughs up swamp water (chocolate milk), Jensen goes to talk to Jeremy.
"Well," Jeremy says. "We were going to schedule a meeting next week to talk about the direction the show is going this season, but as long as you’re here, let’s chat."
"Ok."
"Here’s the deal," Jeremy tells him. "In recent seasons, Sam has been through a lot."
"Yeah."
"This show touches on some dark themes."
Jensen snorts. "Yes."
"So, we've talked about this. Sam's been in this arc of redemption, trying to let go of anger and revenge for the past three seasons. Finally he's reached a point, after Amelia last season, where he sees what it would be like to be quote unquote normal, to settle down and have a more stationary, domestic life."
Jensen nods along.
"And as you may recall, we've done a really solid job on providing the audience in-car conversations where Sam tells Dean, very pointedly, that he wants to settle down, maybe stop hunting. In fact, he practically demands it of him."
Jensen experiences a lurch of understanding, but does his best to ignore it.
"Okay, yeah. He does say that," he says. "But that was in a general sense, right? Sam wants to settle down but like, find a girl, someone like Amelia. Maybe even Amelia herself. Maybe throw a little Don action in there, yeah? He and Sam had some real chemistry. Jared and Liane kept joking about a threesome-"
Jeremy lets out a short laugh and cuts him off. "So, Sam's told Dean how he wants to settle down. And ever since we brought in the bunker, you'll notice, Sam's stopped bringing this up. Jared’s delivery, glaring at Dean, waiting for Dean to respond, was ambiguous enough so as to provide a perfect lead up to this season."
"Yeah, because they have a home now."
"Exactly. He and Dean have a home now, a place where he can be settled, just like he told Dean he wanted, with his brother. And that's the crux of the matter. That's what we've been edging toward, and it fits perfectly in with Sam's emotional arc. This whole time, Sam’s been telling Dean he wants to settle down, and Dean’s been misinterpreting it. Sam doesn’t want to leave him, though, Sam's just wanted to settle down with him."
Jensen thinks with a resigned sort of doom that he was right from the get go.
Regardless, it shakes him when Carver continues cheerfully, "So we’re going the incest route. And I know, I know, it’s unconventional and practically unexplored territory, but this has been in the works since the beginning, this next step." He shakes his head and says, "Kripke, man," like they're talking religion, parsing laws and edicts and summing it all up with God, right? What are you going to do?
Jensen is thrown. Understandably, he thinks. Jesus Christ. The incest route. But he has a lot of respect for Jeremy and is generally happy with the way he's been steering the show, so what he has to say-his vision-is important. He swallows down the high-pitched giggle threatening to burst out.
"This isn't jumping the shark," Jeremy's saying when Jensen tunes back in. "This is fitting and long planned for. We just never thought it would make it to the screen, what with the CW not wanting to show gay sex between brothers." Jensen shuts his eyes, feeling pained. Jeremy’s tone is dismissive, if kind. "Sorry we couldn't let you in on this. We wanted your and Jared’s character interactions to come off as true as possible. Kripke told Jared on his first day to make it realistic, and the writers have written it with that in mind as well. Sam’s been attracted to Dean since he was a teenager, and left for college to escape it."
"Hmmm," Jensen manages.
"You're a great actor, Jensen. That's what's so wonderful about this show. It's coherent and consistent and thoughtful, and you both respect it, you both respect your characters. I'm sure you see how this next step fits Dean. Beginning of season nine, he isn't cognizant of the attraction himself, yet, and we get all the fun of breaking the ice."
Jeremy sits back, waiting. Jensen takes a deep breath.
"But-" But, it's really fucked up, he wants to say. He shouldn't have to say it, it's obvious.
"I know," Jeremy says, reading it in his voice on and his face. "It’s a dark show, Jensen. Something we pride ourselves on. This is a ballsy move, but when have you known us to back down?"
"True-"
"So. Are you in?"
"Of course I'm in," Jensen says. "But damn, warn a guy."
"Great." Jeremy leans back in his chair. "It's going to be a work of art. I'm pretty excited about plumbing the depths of this kind of sin."
"Plumbing the depths," Jensen groans, and Jeremy laughs him out of the room.
When Jensen's pointing at the ravioli at craft services later during second lunch slash snack, Jared comes up and jostles him.
Jensen turns on him. "You knew."
Jared tries to look innocent but Jensen keeps giving him a look until Jared’s shoulders sag. "Yeah, sorry," he says. "I'm a total asshole for not telling you, but I was contractually bound, after all."
"That’s why you’re annoyingly calm about this."
"Maybe I’m a better actor."
"Or you’ve had, what? Eight seasons to get used to this idea?"
He does actually look repentant, though. Jensen sighs.
"Fine, I forgive you." It isn’t that hard, actually. "You're kind of a dick, but it's not your fault."
"Right, right," Jared says, then waggles his eyebrows. "So, what'd you say? Sam gonna get some lovin’?"
Jensen rolls his eyes. "Maybe."
"Whoo!"
When Jared drags him in against his side into a rough headlock, Jensen says, muffled, "You think I'd just ditch out? I'm hurt, man. Right here, in the chest. Now get your hands off me. We ain't practicing any porno scenes till next week."
"Can't wait," Jared tells him, and then turns his hundred-watt smile toward charming his way into three extra chicken strips.
They are going to begin filming for the porno scene at 6AM, Tuesday morning, so on Monday, they run lines.
Jared has referred to it as the porno scene so often over the past week that the phrase has ceased being hilarious or gut wrenching and has, in fact, lost all meaning. Jensen has stopped thinking about what exactly it’s going to mean to have Jared up close and personal with that sort of intent, to have to put himself into Dean's shoes, freaked out and, as the new script actually spells out, desperately turned on by his brother.
"So, Dean’s sitting on the bed," Jensen reads. "Cleaning a gun."
Jared nods. "And Sam comes in with takeout and stops by his knees."
"We get into an argument and-"
"Handjob."
"You chickening out on me?"
"No way," Jared says. "Name one time I’ve ever chickened out on anything."
Jensen reads, "Dean, with his shoulders pressed against the wall with his brother’s hands down his pants: Sammy."
Maybe it’s his imagination, but Jared looks a little pink around the ears. "So," Jared shifts on his feet. "Do you wanna try to run it through once, or-"
"Come on," Jensen says. "Push me up against the wall."
"Ok."
Like anything else they do together, they’re intuitive in this. Jared pushes him up against the wall easy and they deliver their lines like that. The only difference is, Jensen tries to practice Dean’s looking all sultry-like at Sam.
Jensen’s trying not to be. But he’s worried that way the relationship between Sam and Dean is evolving will somehow undermine the integrity of their characters and the show. This show doesn’t win awards, it survives on its own merit and the ways it speaks to people. Saying yes to this change in the relationship was a snap decision, but he knows it was, without a doubt, the right one to make.
He respects the show, respects all the work they’ve put into it, and, if he’s being honest with himself, he feels perversely intrigued at how the network’s going to carry this new development off.
"And then I give you a handjob," Jared concludes.
Jensen nods. "Right. Totally normal. Can do."
They stare at each other.
"So are we-"
They’re interrupted by Jensen's favorite props guy, who tells them about some knife they're going to be flinging around. He tells them it's a sharper rubber than the other ones, and please would they try to be careful. He directs this specifically at Jensen, which makes Jared laugh some more, and makes Jensen feel aggrieved at the slander while the props guy rolls his eyes and says, "Just try not to bend it this time, ok?"
"I'm offended," Jensen says a minute later, after the guy’s left.
"Unfounded," Jared says, eyes crinkling up at the sides. "I’m just saying, the Colt."
"Was one of eleven copies," Jensen says, drowning him out. Eleven-ish. "And that one was an anomoly."
"Anomoly my ass," says Jared. He smirks at Jensen and makes a grab for his elbow, and somehow they forget to keep running lines until it’s too late to keep practicing.
Monday night feels like a launch countdown. At 7pm, it's T-Minus twelve hours until Jensen's going to be filming the hand job scene. He spends a couple hours getting into Dean’s headspace and comes away feeling troubled but like he might have greater insight into Dean’s motivations. By the time the baseball game rolls around, it's T- Minus ten hours, and so on, until at 5:30am the next day when Jensen gets the call saying the car's there, he's ragged-feeling, just rolled out of bed and in running shorts, on his elbows watching the coffee maker drip.
He pours out a travel mug of coffee and when he goes outside and climbs into the car, he says hey to Clif and passes out again, his head hitting the seat back next to Jared's shoulder.
"Can I have some?" Jared asks.
Jensen holds the coffee out his way and then dozes for the entire trip. He spent all night thinking about the scene, prepping, and now he doesn't even think about it. He’s content to let the quick tide of fate drag him along until he's forced to think about it again on set when the blocking guy, Dave, has a discussion with him about hard-ons.
"We're really having this talk," Jensen says. He has to make conscious effort to keep his face neutral. Romance scenes make him get all awkward.
"Yes," Dave says, steamrolling past any of Jensen's insecurities.
The man's a professional, and Jensen feels like a twelve-year-old.
"So, we put a lot of thought into this scene," Dave tells him. "And we decided you could do it however you wanted, physically. You know, whether Dean gets fully hard or not. We'd like to know ahead of time how you're going to play it, though, so we can work out some kinks in camera angles."
Jensen clears his throat. He's not sure how to answer. Embarrassingly enough, he's getting hard just thinking about it. Back before all this started, when he was first moving out to California, he'd sworn to his sister he'd never to do porn, pinky promised even. He'd felt his face go red and he'd said, "Mackenzie," horrified at the thought. But Jensen wonders now if this season's going to make him break that promise. He wonders where the line between porn and ‘mature programming’ lies, and suspects that anything where people have to ask about the state of his dick is toeing it.
"So?" Dave asks.
Jensen refocuses. "Huh?"
"Ok, hard," Dave says, making a note of it on his clipboard as he walks off.
Jensen goes and collapses into the chair next to Jared’s. "The way they treat us here, I swear," he says.
Jared reaches over. "Hey, give me your phone for a sec."
"Why? Get your own phone." He hands it over anyway. Jared types for a second while Jensen blinks to stay awake. "What're you doing?"
"Tweeting about this." Jared downloaded a twitter app on Jensen’s phone for this express purpose. "I’m telling my mom I’m sorry."
The energy on set has really ramped up in the past half-hour. It's mostly excitement on everyone else’s part, and something like good-natured dread on Jensen's.
"Hey, you ok?" Jared asks when the crew's about done setting up.
"Yeah, of course." Jensen rolls his shoulders. He catches Jared jiggling his knee and looks over. "You good?"
Jared nods. "Yeah. Just a little...you know." He waves a hand.
"Hey," Jensen says. "It’s gonna be cool. There’s no dude I’d rather have fake brother sex with than you."
"Aw." Jared puts a hand on Jensen’s knee. "That’s almost a declaration."
"Yeah, well it’s the best you’re ever gonna get from me, so you better treasure it."
It’s fine to talk big, but when he and Jared find their marks, he feels a vague jittery quality about himself that he hasn’t had since early seasons. He feels like his scalp is going red under his hair he's blushing so hard, but there are filtered lights warm on them and the room is sort of dark, so it probably won't be picked up on film.
"Hold up," Jared is benevolent enough to tell the thirty or so onlookers in a loud voice. "Jensen's got stage fright."
"Shut the fuck up," Jensen says.
"I'll feed you lines," a PA tells him. She always does it perfectly. That is not the issue here.
"Thanks, Amy," he says instead of explaining how his sister's going to kill him.
"Jensen, your mark's there on the far bed. Remember, just like the script says. There’s an argument, then Dean gets to his feet. Sam moves in and get him against the wall. Dean goads Sam into jerking him off. Jensen, I want you challenging, almost like you’re daring him to do it, even when he’s got his hand on you. Got it?"
Jared keeps on staring at his script but can’t seem to help flicking his eyes in Jensen’s direction. Jensen goes to the bed and grabs a cloth and his gun and a rag and heads to the bed. The cameras roll.
"It’s not what you think," Sam says.
"Dammit, it’s exactly what I think!"
Sam glares at Dean, who gives as good as he gets. When Dean moves like he’s about to walk away, Sam slaps a hand on the wall and looms in.
The first thing Jensen notices is that this brings Jared very close to him. He’d be the first to admit that they’re not big on personal space on a normal day, but Jensen’s never been backed against to wall, chest to chest with him.
"I’m not gonna let you leave this motel," Sam says. "I’ll stop you, Dean."
Dean lifts his chin. "Yeah, well, I’d like to see you try."
Jared ducks his head for a moment and then crowds closer and grabs for Jensen’s belt.
Jensen feels a weird thrill when Jared’s mouth touches his ear and he groans. "Oh, Dean, you’re so hot. Want your mouth around me, big boy-"
Jensen breaks character. "Oh definitely. Big boy?"
"Cut!"
"Your line was 'Sammy,'" the PA calls over.
"Not like I can remember any of my lines with this fool mumbling obscenities. You wouldn’t believe the things that come out of his mouth when you get close to him." Jensen is used to Jared screwing around, but man, now that they’re on the verge of actually screwing around. It’s getting all mixed up in Jensen’s head.
"Take your time, Jensen," Bob says, just as Jared argues, "Obscenities! It’s poetry."
Jensen shakes it out, thinking he and Jared really should have worked out blocking by themselves, alone in a trailer or somewhere else secluded. That would have gone great. Just the two of them, doing a fake hand job scene. For some reason the idea hits him the wrong way.
He clears his throat. "Hey, you know what? Shouldn't we-"
"Shouldn't you what?" Jeremy asks.
"Ok, Sam and Dean are about to get hot and heavy, so shouldn't there be a kiss in there, or something? I mean, we didn’t discuss, but I’d assumed-"
Jeremy looks considering. He says, "Well, no. This isn't romance. It's gritty and fucked up."
Jensen blinks. "Uh-"
"Sam and Dean don't kiss. It's angry and not at all romantic. It's a really messy situation. They're in denial. They don't even talk about the times they mess around, just act like it doesn't exist. Kissing would be too honest."
"Right," says Jensen.
They botch another take when someone’s cell goes off and another when a chair gets knocked over. The next time around, Jensen swears he can feel the wall crack when Jared slaps his hand next to his head. Jensen takes a deep breath and then it’s Jared everywhere, pressed up against him, angry. He’s hot and big and could hold Jensen against this wall, easy, if he wanted to.
Jared ducks in close again, and for a second Jensen could have sworn there was going to be some mouth-to-mouth they are that close, but instead, Jared presses his lips to Jensen’s jaw and slides a hand down under his waistband.
When Jared gets a hand on his cock, Jensen experiences a flush of want that runs down the back of his neck and leaves him breathless. He feels hot all over, shocked, and knocks Jared’s hand away.
"Cut!" Bob says. "Jared, please stop fondling Jensen. It was supposed to be the one grab, then we cut away. Jensen, you’re doing great."
Jensen is not doing great.
He’s got goosebumps up his arms and there’s sweat beading on his temples, streaking up his foundation. He’s not sure what just happened but he thinks it was bad.
Then, Jared takes a step back and suddenly Jensen can breathe again. He looks furtively around but everyone is taking sips from coffee cups and fiddling with equipment, because apparently they didn’t notice the thunderbolt epiphany that just broke Jensen’s reality, namely that Jared’s hand...on him...is really great.
"You okay, man?" Jared's sitting on his ass on the table, giving Jensen a concerned look. His mouth is twisting and he’s a bit too close again.
Jensen pulls out his script to give himself something to look at other than Jared’s hands. Or his mouth. Or the half an inch between his thigh and Jensen’s. "Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?"
Jared frowns but Bob cuts in, beaming.
"You guys, this looks really good. Excellent work. You really nailed it. Jensen, your face is a gift."
Jensen thinks, at least his horrifying realization that he’s attracted to Jared looks good on film.
"Now, I think we got all the conversation we need so Jared, you want to go back to your mark and do some heavy breathing while you give Jensen a rough hand job for a couple minutes? And after that, we can call this a wrap!"
"Oh god." Jensen settles back against the wall. He should feel swamped with relief - finishing a scene of this sort so quickly usually takes an hour at the least - but all he can think about is Jared and the rough hand job.
"Huh?" Jared asks, getting back in position as well. This puts them back in a skin-brushing, shared-air space.
Jensen presses himself fractionally against the wall so that they’re touching as little as possible. "Nothing."
"O-kay," Jared says. He looks put out, worried. But Jensen is having issues of his own. It’s suddenly apparent just how good Jared smells, even though it’s the same as he normally does. Jensen’s used that shampoo. It’s nothing special.
The lights are hot on his skin and he wants, more than anything, for Jared to do it for real this time.
The cameras roll and Jensen doesn’t have to pretend when he squeezes his eyes shut and just lets Jared do what he’s doing. And after that, when they break for lunch, Jensen lets a few people slap him on the back before slinking away. He feels like everyone's watching him try to hide the Subway footlong in his pants.
He clicks the door to his trailer soft behind him with restrained, slow movements, locks it, and collapses onto the couch, and then stays like that his entire break, wondering what just happened. His thoughts keep slinging back to Jared crowding him up against the old wallpaper and pressing him with his hand.
He closes his eyes and sits there for the remainder of lunch, trying seriously not to think about Jared or anything of the sort.
That afternoon they shoot a scene where Dean wrestles a pig monster. Jensen is off-kilter and surly, and wrestling a pig helps relieve some stress that’s been on a slow build. Afterward, wiping fake blood off his neck with a towel, Jensen calls his brother, who immediately tells Jensen it sounds like he needs a vacation. After this, Jensen eats a sandwich. Everything is fine. Only later that night does he allow himself to quietly think things through, staring at the dark ceiling.
Regardless of what he may or may not be feeling about Jared, what it comes down to is Jensen is not that kind of guy. He’s not just going to up and ruin the best relationship he’s ever had just to test a possibility.
He sees with great clarity what is in store for him this season. It's going to mean touching Jared. It's going to mean Jared touching him. It's going to mean fake hand jobs and blow jobs and probably fake penetrative sex of some sort and just generally it’s going to mean Jared kneeling over him while people watch.
It'll be like looking at a cake but not having it or eating it, just touching it with one finger and saying, "Yes, wow, that does look good. I was right."
Jensen gets the script for episode three and gives in and calls Danneel. He and Dani dated for almost a year, and they’ve remained good friends.
"No, yeah," Jensen says into his phone, zipping his jacket against the breeze. "Everything's good."
"You sound hunted," Danneel tells him like that’s normal. "Like, did you commit a crime, or...?"
Jensen looks both ways then steps further into the shadow of the dumpster. He cups his hand over the mouthpiece. "Things are weird, Dani. Like, this season and stuff."
"I see. How so?"
"Well."
He can’t very well say he just had a flash of how great it would be to have Jared real serious about getting him off. The fact that he’s suddenly understood just how hot Jared is feels like a breach of that friendship. He still feels sick to his stomach about it, a week later. It’s not something he knows how to talk about.
"It's just...weird," he says.
Danneel waits for a tick, and when he doesn't say anything, says, "Ok, what can you explain?"
"This season features…deeper familial relations."
"Deeper," she repeats.
"Yes."
"What? As in- Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god," she says. "Oh my god, are you actually fucking with me?"
While he waits for her to stop cracking up, Jensen thinks again of Jared pressed up against the front of him, one hand shoved in against his cock. Jensen shakes his head to clear it, feeling something shiver down his back.
"Yeah," he says, voice rough. "It's kind of, um-"
When he doesn’t finish the thought, Danneel says, "I don't know if you're joking or not, but this is great. Tell me you're not joking."
Jensen wants to tell her everything. Tell her that he suddenly knows without question that he’s in trouble. He needs advice.
A hand grabs him just as he's about to spill his woe into the phone to someone safely a thousand miles away. It's a PA who steps back and squeaks when Jensen jumps.
"Oh, sorry, Christie," he says.
"They sent me to find you," she tells him, collecting herself. "You're up in five." She wrinkles her nose. "Why are you hanging out by the trash?"
Danneel is still laughing so he hangs up on her. Jensen smiles at Christie and follows her back to set, trying to look like he isn't on the edge of a freak out.
Christie finds him later.
"Hey, are you okay?" From the look on her face, she and everyone else knows he hasn't been at his best. "The last couple weeks, you've looked kind of...."
"Yeah." Jensen moves to run a hand through his hair but then stops because he doesn't want to face the wrath of hair and makeup. Thing is, he wants to tell someone. Needs to. He considers not choosing an underpaid assistant to unload his issues - poor kid did not sign up for this shit - but then does it anyway. "Yeah. It's just like...This whole thing."
"Whole thing?"
"Yeah." He rubs a hand over the back of his neck. "Yeah, the Sam and Dean thing. Like, them being…you know. Together. It’s just kind of hard with Jared." There, he’s said it. "It just kind of hits home, you know?"
"What do you..." she starts, and then a look of absolute pity washes over her face. "Oh. Oh. Jensen, I'm so sorry. The sex scenes. Between brothers."
"Yeah," he says. She obviously gets it, so he doesn't have to spell it out for her, doesn't have to put his weird epiphany-crush on Jared into words. "Yeah, I mean. It's fine. It's just kind of like..."
"Triggery," she supplies, nodding in understanding.
Jensen pauses. "That’s a little strong, but yeah. I mean, it just brings a lot of shit to the forefront, and I'd rather not have this whole life-changing thing happen on camera."
"Have you talked to anyone about it? Carver?"
"Yeah, I mean. It's in my contract. It's no big deal, really."
She looks tragic for him. It’s disgustingly validating, actually, and Jensen feels like he deserves a tub of Ben & Jerry's to go along with this. "Anyway, I don't know why I'm complaining. It's just work. It's not the real thing. And I haven't talked about it to anyone," he says. "Please don't tell anyone. Don't tell...don't tell Jared."
"I would never betray your confidence," she says. She looks kind of sad. She pats his hand. "Have you ever considered counseling?"
He pauses, suddenly uneasy. There is a very faint possibility they're not talking about the same thing here. "I don't think - "
"It'll be all right," she assures him. "You come talk to me if you need to. And if this gets really bad, you should really talk to them again."
"Thanks for listening," Jensen tells her uncertainly.
She greets Jensen with coffee every hour, on the hour, for the rest of the day, and the next morning he walks into this trailer to find pamphlets for incest survivors on the table, with a message reminding him to be brave.
"Ah," he says to the room.
It’s a couple days before they film another scene that requires him to deal with touching Jared.
They’ve been through hair and makeup and he's had two iced lattes. He's had one banana but anything else and he's probably going to feel more nauseated than he already does. He steadfastly finishes the whole thing even though he feels like people are giving him knowing glances, which makes him want to shout from the rooftops about how Sam is going down on him today, not the other way around.
The scene is consciously reminiscent of a scene at the end of Season 1, when Sam has him cornered against the wall. But the difference is, Jensen had played that as all platonic desperation. This time around, it’s difficult in a new way. It's incest and no matter how Jensen tries to slice it, it's still hard to justify in his head, and that makes it hard to play. There is only one scene they’ve shot where Sam and Dean have talked about it, and it was a very vague, freaked out sort of discussion, ending with them saying, "Yeah, uh," and then staring hard at menus in front of them at the diner table.
Jeremy tells Jared, "All you have to do is step up to Jensen and fall to your knees and look up pleadingly at him, then deliver your lines."
"All I have to do," Jared says under his breath, which makes Jensen feel a little better. He's the only one to catch it, and Jared gives him a look.
"And Jensen," Jeremy says. "Stand there until he does, and steel yourself."
"So," Jensen asks. "Do I step back and hit the wall? Or like, a half-step."
"Dean takes an aborted step back, and then Sam's going to grab Dean's lower leg. We don't want it to look like Dean's cornered. You’re breathing hard, you're angry again, and afraid, but you don't even step back into the wall, you just stop when Sam gets you to stop. Then he feels up your leg, ok?"
"So, this isn't acting," Jared says.
Jensen says, "Shut the hell up, you're never going to feel up my leg."
Jared shrugs. "You know I like your calves."
"Whatever," Jensen says. "Let's get this over with."
He ignores how, once they get past this scene, there's who knows how much worse in store for them.
"Dean, I can't-"
"You can't what, Sam? You can't go on like this? You can't do what we do anymore?" Dean waves a hand between them. "Is that it? Want to stop hunting for good?"
"Shut up," Sam says. "Shut up, I swear to God, Dean, if you'd just listen to me."
"I am listening to you, you just aren't saying anything. What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me what you want, Dean."
Dean clenches his jaw. He says, "I just want you to be happy, Sam. That's it. God knows I've tried." He takes a steadying breath. "Look, you gotta help me out, man. Just tell me. Whatever it is has got to be better than this, you being pissed at me."
"What do you want me to say, Dean?"
"Who says I want you to say anything?"
Jared hesitates, looks to the camera like it's a door he's telling himself not to run for, then drops to his knees. It's graceful. Jensen takes a surprised step back, almost tripping. If it didn't get Jensen going the first time, it definitely does now, because Jared's expression when he looks up at him is determined. Sam really wants this, Jensen reminds himself. Like, a lot.
Sam shuffles forward on his knees and touches Dean on the calf and stares at his crotch.
"Uh," Dean says. "What're you-"
"What does it look like?" Sam asks, voice rough, and then leans in and rubs his cheek over Jensen's fly.
He gets it right because Jensen's cock is showing obviously through his jeans, and he has to bite his lip to hold back on the groan that would embarrass him in front of every camera person and staff member on set currently watching Jared grope the back of his leg.
When Jensen looks down, Jared's looking up at him, serious expression on his face, still stolid.
"Uh," Jensen says again, and then catches his breath when Jared slides his hands up Jensen's legs, and reaches his fly. Jensen sees his hands are shaking. Jared as Sam unbuttons him slowly, pulls down the zipper, clumsy, so that Dean's jeans drop just like they would if this were real, if it were Jared were on his knees in the dark of Jensen's bedroom.
Someone yells "Cut!" when Jared gets his big hands spanned around Jensen's waist, his thumbs sliding under the waistband of Jensen's black boxer briefs.
Jensen coughs and waits for Jared to breathe easy again, before reaching down to offer him an arm up.
"Damn," Bob says, after reviewing the takes. "You guys really nail these romance scenes."
"Soap opera," Jensen says, pointing to himself. "And Jared's just used to getting on his knees, so."
"I like the view from down here," Jared says, apparently unfazed.
There's this scene where Dean's supposed to have his way with Sam up against the motel desk, sex so close to fighting it’s dangerous. It feels out of character, and Jensen doesn’t want to be that guy but Jeremy doesn’t look surprised when he sits next to him with the script rolled in his hands.
"Jensen?"
"Look, it's not that I'm not a fan," he tells him. "Of angry incest sex. Because, believe me, I'm so on board. Signed away all my rights and all that good stuff. But I dunno, I guess I thought it was going to be more..." he waves his hand around a bit. "Flowery?"
"Sure," says Jeremy, "I can see why you’d think that. Don’t worry, though. This is an angry scene." He looks thoughtful. "Maybe we need another shove."
"Yes, there are, as you say, a lot of feelings going on," Jensen says. "Unspoken, currently. In my reading, and this is just my opinion, Dean is more given to grand shows of affection, almost to the point of cheesiness. So all the angry, rough stuff is great and all, but maybe we could add a little more of that side of his character. Maybe…?"
Jeremy laughs. "I’ll see what I can do."
Jensen’s well-meaning efforts only make things worse. Jensen gets his one hand on Jared's shoulder and the other on Jared's hip, and grinds up against him from behind. Jared's hands are gripping the desk, jeans caught somewhere by the knee and Dean's jacket's thrown off onto the nightstand while a western blares on the motel TV.
Jensen turns him around and pushes him to the bed. Now, though, Jeremy’s changed it to a honeymoon suite for added romance, and Jensen takes a handful of the cherries from the bowl on the side table and carefully presses them against Jared's chest. He’s already drizzled him all over with chocolate syrup.
Red juice trickles down Jared's chest, and Jensen thinks, Well, and smashes them with more intent. He ducks his head and doesn't let himself hesitate, presses his tongue to the flat of Jared's abs to lick the smear of chocolate and juice.
Jared's got his head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut. It makes Jensen catch his breath. He’s finding it next to impossible to stay in character for all of this. Not only does he know Jared’s probably having a hard time not laughing, but he can feel how taught Jared’s muscles have gone under his hands, how Jared feels vibrant where Jensen touches him.
"Up," Jensen says, and Jared crab walks up on the bed completely, flopping onto his back with one foot flat against the mattress.
Jensen wrestles him into a better position with his hand up around Jared’s neck.
He kneels on the mattress between the long legs he’s got on display before him, thinking this is going to be the end of his sanity. He cleans the red away with concerted effort.
PART 2