fic: Chemistry (2/2)
MASTERPOST - PART 1 - PART 2 - TWITTER REACTION POST
Jensen would feel wretched, so luckily he can’t feel anything right now. He probably won’t feel anything ever again.
He snags the key to one of the Impalas and spends his break in the dirtiest one, furthest away from other people. Danneel picks up on the second call.
"Work is stressful," is what he leads with.
"Is this about that thing you wanted to talk to me about?"
"....maybe. Are you busy?"
"Not too busy to hear what's got you tied in knots."
"I just spent half an hour licking cherry pulp and chocolate off of Jared's stomach."
There is a long pause before she says, "That is maybe the best thing I've ever heard. It sounds like a kind of ice cream. Feel free to continue, context optional."
Jensen puts his hand over his face and listens to distant voices. They’re doing an outside shoot with Misha right now.
"Ok," says Danneel. "Is this about work?"
"Yeah."
"All right. Bad?"
"Uh, I don't know."
"Bad with Jared?"
Jensen can't even bring himself to say anything. His neck feels hot. His knee slips against the steering wheel and the air is oppressive.
"Wait, is he ok?" She quickly follows up with, "Of course he is. But you're not ok. But it's about him. And it's about work. Oh my god, do you have actual sex scenes? Wow, I had not- And you’re having a hard time with it because..." Jensen lets that one sit because fuck his life. Danneel seems to intuitively grasp how screwed he is anyway. "Oh...oh, honey."
"Yeah." Jensen’s voice cracks. "I mean, it’s not a big thing."
He can hear her thinking, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. She finally says, "Jensen. You know I love you. And Jared couldn’t last a day without you. But don't you think if it was going to happen, it would have happened already?"
She’s right, of course.
"I’m sorry."
"No, no," he says. "You’re right. It’s not even a thing, really. I probably just need to get laid. By someone else. How’re things going on your show?"
"Awesome."
"And LA?"
"Hot. Stop changing the subject. Ask Genevieve about Jared, ok? She’s Jared's best friend, she would know." Jensen experiences a spike of outrage that is only somewhat quelled when Danneel says, "Best friend besides you. Good grief. Anyway, she'd be a better person to ask."
"Ok."
"You going to call her?"
Jensen nods to an empty car. "Totally, yeah."
"You're not, are you?"
"No. Absolutely not." Genevieve is the most formidable person Jensen's ever met.
In any normal situation, Jensen would try his best to avoid dwelling on his recent preoccupation with Jared’s biceps, for instance, and just try to keep his head down, focus on work. But work has him kissing Jared the next week.
Jared scratches his nose and says, "Of course there are a billion people here."
It's true. And only about half of them are extras. Jensen spots a familiar blondish head. "Aw, why is Mark here? He's not even on set this season."
"Maybe they're shooting something new with Lucifer we don't know about yet?"
"Or maybe he just came to watch." Jensen pauses. "Hey, did you brush your teeth?"
"No, and I spent the last hour eating onion rings." Jared rolls his eyes. "Yes, I brushed my teeth."
"Ok, enough sweet talk," Bob says before Jensen can follow up on that.
They head over to the side to run lines and discuss blocking with Dave. Jensen could deal with previous scenes because there was some degree of fabrication, but you can’t really fake a kiss.
"You'll be standing in front of him, relaxed," says Dave. " Remember, Dean thought Sam left him for a ‘normal life.’ But Sam tracks him down. It was all a misunderstanding." He points to the bar and says, "Jensen, Dean’s leaning against the bar with a beer in hand. And Jared, you storm in and spot him just hanging out like he doesn’t realize how heartbroken you are." He gestures with his pencil. "Sam advance and kisses Dean like he means it. Then, it’s a wrap."
He makes it sound so easy. Jensen tries to tell himself that it is. He knows he can do this.
When the cameras roll, Jared walks up to him and puts a hand on his arm. Fingers grip into the sleeve of his jacket, grip his bicep, Jared's hand strong and steady, and then Jared leans in. Jensen tips his head up the tiniest, smallest fraction of a centimeter when Jared's mouth hits his, like maybe Sam is giving it, yeah, but Dean isn't just taking it, he's accepting it, he's giving it back.
When Jared leans in, Jensen lets his eyes flutter closed. He sighs into it when Jared presses their mouths together. It’s just a kiss, but Jensen feels it down to his toes, this zapping of awareness of every single place that Jared's body is touching his.
When Jared pulls away, Jensen can still feeling the imprint of Jared’s mouth on his. Jensen keeps his eyes closed for a moment to make the kiss look real. He scrunches his eyebrows just in case, so that he looks more concerned and sad that Sam's pulled away.
Jared's looking at him with a careful expression, guarded.
"Cut!"
Jared grins. It makes Jensen feel smug. If there's one thing he can nail, it's a kiss scene, and he and Jared together probably look like anyone's wet dream.
The buzz of bar conversation dies as the extras go quiet. Bob comes onto set and looks between the two of them, looks up at the light and then moves Jared to the left a little.
"Let’s try that again."
Jensen shrugs. "Ok."
He’s got this. Sort of.
Jared is staring at his mouth, which does things to Jensen. Jared’s eyes are dark, intent, and Jensen thinks this job is going to kill him. He swallows thickly and waits for the inevitable.
Jared flexes his fingers. When they're rolling, he takes one step toward Jensen. Then another.
"Cut!" Bob yells. "Ok guys. Let's work it out a little. You're a little tense."
Jensen laughs. "Tense?"
"Whatever," Jared says. They try it again.
And again.
Jensen’s starting to get a bad feeling about this. After the seventh take, he wonders if this isn’t going to be like an eternal purgatory of Jared stepping toward him, Jensen closing his eyes against the sight, and Jared kissing his mouth, meaningless.
"Right now it looks pretty good," Bob says, which makes Jensen uncertain.
"Let's try a tenth take," Bob says. Jensen laughs, feeling kind of crazed. Jared gives him a weird look, but gets back into place. Bob squints at the two of them. "Daylight’s burning, people. Let’s try to take this seriously."
Jensen's mouth falls open. Actual jaw drop.
"Seriously?" Jared says.
"Yes. I know that's a foreign concept to you two, but let's do it."
"Burn," Jared mutters to him when they’re taking their marks.
"We caught that," says one of the camera people.
Jared shrugs. He looks at Jensen. "Okay?"
"Okay," says Jensen, "we can do this."
Jared nods and says, "Yeah."
Because they can. And Jensen is keenly aware that everyone is watching them, more aware than he thinks he’s ever been in their history on this set.
But they can do this.
"Cut!" Bob says before Jensen even feels Jared's warmth near his face. He cracks an eye and sees Jared staring at him like he's concerned.
"What?" Jensen asks, rubbing his face with both hands. "Spider?"
"No," Jared says. "What?"
"Take twelve!" someone shouts.
Jensen takes a deep breath, drops his shoulders, and says, "Lay one on me."
Jared gets up close and grabs one of Jensen's arms, leans in and Jensen's all ready for the kiss when Amy yells, "Cut!"
"What?" he and Jared both say. Jensen opens his eyes and Jared's right there, looking at Jensen's mouth, ready, because they'd been interrupted and Jared is an A plus actor, goddammit, he'll hold his position. Jared watches the smile curve on Jensen's mouth and smiles back.
"Jensen looked too much like himself," Bob notes, which is really minorly embarrassing when the implication sets in two seconds later, but luckily they move past it quickly. "Jensen, remember that Dean is steeling himself for it. Sam's coming up from the bar where he'd been drinking and mulling over the difficulties of wanting his brother-"
"In all the wrong ways," Jared quips and waggles his eyebrows.
Jensen laughs. "Fucked up part is you are exactly right. That is exactly what it is."
Jared scrutinizes him, then looks down at himself, and then comes out with, "You know, maybe you're too tall."
Jensen frowns. "I am perfect, thank you very much. My momma told me so."
Jared sighs and slings an arm around Jensen's shoulders. He tugs him in against his side, hard, forcibly wedging Jensen's head under his chin. "I know," he says, morosely, almost soothingly. "I know, don't worry."
It's like Jared's intently worshiping Jensen's mouth or something. It feels fond and full of intent, like he's coveting him in the middle of this crowd, hiding him away from the rest of the world.
Jensen smirks against Jared's mouth, and Jared feels it and says. "Dude," like he’s fed up. Jensen tries to roll his bottom lip under his teeth when Jared steps back, because he really cannot smirk like that in a take.
Jared looks at Jensen, questioning. Jensen shrugs.
"You make me feel like a pretty princess," Jensen tells him. He grabs out. "C'mere, do it again."
Jared goes red, actually red. It's a color Jensen's barely ever seen on him and it feels like victory of a long-term investment sort when Jared crosses his arms over his chest.
"No," he says. "Fuck off, I'm trying but-" He looks over at Bob. "Can we take five minutes?"
"Cut!" someone yells.
"Sure thing," Bob says. "I think we got it."
"Cool," Jared says, gives Jensen a look and walks away to go grab a bottle of water and sit in his chair.
Jensen's glad they stopped. He knows he's being an asshole but he doesn't know if he can deal. Feelings, man.
"Jensen," Bob calls. "Could you come over here for a second."
Jensen comes to lean over Bob’s shoulder and watches as he rewinds the video.
"I'm going to show you the hard, honest truth," Bob tells him, which usually means he's letting him know that the camera caught Jensen and Jared in the middle of doing something to Misha.
Bob moves over silently for Jared and Jensen to lean in and see. He pushes play and they watch the first take. On screen, Jensen is watching Jared with guarded heat- so far, so perfect. But Jensen sees the problem Bob was referring to when Jared takes a step closer and leans in to kiss him. It's how it's supposed to go, but Jensen looks like he's sucking on something exceptionally bitter, and Jared looks freaked out.
"Just the first take," Jared says. "It got better obviously. It was just nerves."
The second take is kind of the same, except this time Jensen looks like he's maybe about to cry. Jared, for his part, looks supremely awkward.
"Why are you making that face?" Jared asks next to him. "Is the idea of kissing me that bad?"
"What? No," he says. "No, Jared, the idea is not that bad. I mean, except for the whole you, thing. But other than that, no."
Jared laughs, accepts the really poor attempt at a joke. "You charmer."
The next shot's promising, Jensen's face is finally normal and Jared’s more apprehensive, like Sam's wondering if Dean's going to punch him for doing something gay in public.
"See, that's what I'm talking about," Jared says, about to feel really good about it, but Jensen shakes his head.
"No, look. It’s getting-" He searches for the right word. "Weird."
They watch as the kiss keeps going. It's not just weird. It’s actually boring.
"It looks like a bad porn," Jared breathes. "How does it look like bad porn?"
"Exactly," Jensen says. "Yeah, it's like when there's some staged thing right?"
"So you see where you went wrong?" Bob says. He sounds like a teacher asking them if they've realized why cheating on a test could be detrimental to the rest of their educational career.
They watch one of the other takes. It's not the camera angle that's the problem, that is what Jensen's mind first goes to, to find something to blame. No it's just-
"Dude," Jensen says, an edge of hysteria to his voice. "We don't-"
Jared blinks at this information.. "What?"
"No chemistry," Jensen repeats. "Zilch. Zip. Nada." He feels this upwelling of panic in his chest, the sort of hysterical laughter you get when you realize you booked a flight for the wrong month or when you find out that Dr. Pepper is owned by Pepsi and Mr. Pibb has been owned by Coca Cola this whole time.
Jared gives Jensen a look, something incredulous. "No chemistry," he repeats.
Jensen nods. He has no clue where they went wrong, not the first clue. He turns to Bob. "But you did finally get a take?"
"That last one was probably the best we have," Bob says, sounding very skeptical. "If only because it looks more natural, not because it's what we wanted."
They watch the one he's talking about. It's the one that starts out awkwardly and Jared says, "Dude, what the hell?" and steps back.
Jensen smiles when he sees himself say, "You make me feel like a pretty princess. C'mere, do it again."
"No," Jared says on screen. "Fuck off, I'm trying but-"
Bob pauses the video.
Jared says, "You're using that scene?"
"It looked natural. You looked angry, like Sam would if Dean had made fun of him after coming into a bar to kiss his brother."
Jensen doesn't know why Bob has to keep saying it like that. "Okay," he says, deciding just to deal with it.
Bob takes a deep breath and shakes his head at them. He looks bemused but also like he's a producer on a tight schedule who needs his actors to deliver, which he is. He tells them, "I mean this in the best way possible, but work out your shit."
"We don't have any shit!" Jared says.
"Yeah," Jensen says, "Shit free since ‘03!"
"What happened in ‘03?" Jared asks.
"I don't know," Jensen says. "Laxatives? Fuck off, Bob knows what I mean."
"Seriously," Bob tells them. "Fix it. I know you guys are great at what we normally shoot. But we're pushing the envelope here. Viewers are going to be horrified and confused and we need to sell it to them. We need them to buy that we're not changing the tone here, just the content, just that little bit, you see?"
"Yeah."
"The viewers are going to resist, some viewers we're going to lose, that's inevitable. All we can do is do our part to create something honest, a truthful story about the moments in Sam and Dean's lives that shape them, that have made them into the heroes they are today."
He taps the screen vehemently. Jensen's been given talks before about keeping his hands off the fancy equipment, so he knows this is serious.
"This today," Bob says, giving the screen another tap. "Wasn't exactly up to that standard. It wasn't exactly the sort of stuff we want out there. The last take might make it to the gag reel, but I don't think we can use it."
"What should we-"
"Do what you'd normally do. Talk it out. Discuss motive and interaction and how to translate internal conflict onto the screen. When we do that, when you act each scene as a part of a greater emotional arc, one more step along the hero's journey, then we'll have created the best show that we possibly can. Then we'll be good."
Bob busts up laughing, totally breaking the moment. "Or at least an A plus show about brother fucking, am I right? Ok, we'll come back to this." He jerks today’s pages out of his back pocket. "Scene sixteen's up next."
Jared and Jensen look at each other. Jensen nods, jaw clenching. This is on. Jared lifts his chin in agreement.
They are going to fucking own this.
But not yet. It's Friday, which is beer night. Always has been, the world over. Given the events of the day, Jensen could not be more thankful for that.
"This is so confusing," Jared says into his bottle.
"What is?"
"This!" Jared gestures between himself and Jensen. "The thing on set. You know, when we somehow didn’t land the romance scene despite all evidence that we’d be great at it."
"Oh, right," Jensen says. "That."
"Because we’ve always been great together."
Jensen nods. "Totally. So why doesn't it show up on film?"
Jared drinks down half the bottle. His throat works and Jensen finds himself watching.
"I don’t know," Jared says. "It’s like life’s greatest mystery." He puts his bottle solidly on the bar, and then looks questioning. Jensen shrugs one shoulder and slings his arm over Jared’s chair back. He watches Jared order, flicking two fingers in the air, tapping the bar, some universal sign that means, "two more, one for me, one for my friend."
The bartender shakes and pours out what look like molten cherry with salt encrusting the rims of martini glasses and brings them to a couple of guys at the other end before he gets a few beers out of the fridge for them.
"Keep your tab open?" the bartender asks. And then with something Jensen thinks sounds like hope, "Or close it out?"
"Hm," Jared says, even though it’s not his card. He taps at his chin in serious decision making. "The choices are endless."
"We’ll keep it open," Jensen says, and tells Jared, "I owe you from Tuesday."
"So, we going to practice or what?"
"Uh," says Jensen. "Ok."
"Ok?"
"I mean," Jensen says. And thank god the beer’s taken the edge off of his panic. "We have to, right? You heard Bob today."
Jared nods. "Totally," then hastens to say, "Not right now, obviously."
"No, I mean, of course not. But this week at some point."
"Yeah."
They've been here two and a half hours, and to be honest Jensen is pretty smashed. He's sitting on a goddamn stool which wobbles every time he leans in to say something to Jared. It seems foolish that they'd set up a place of drink with backless chairs that are easy to fall off of.
Jared fiddles with a napkin. "Hey. I'm glad we didn't invite the other guys tonight."
Jensen is, too, mainly because he feels like the entire crew must be aware by now that he is harboring some unfortunate feelings for Jared.
"You are so far gone," Jared tells him. Jensen looks over to find Jared smiling something in a way that Jensen would like to call fond, were they to ever speak of it out loud, which they would never. Not in a million years, not on his life.
Jensen shakes his head, which makes the world list to the side a little before it slingshots back into focus. "I'm right here," he says, and slaps the bar. "Totally stone cold sober, you better catch up, Padalecki."
They leave the bar only when it's absolutely necessary, when they've moved on from trying to toss peanuts in their own mouths to tossing peanuts into the bartender's mouth.
"Come on guys," the bartender says, when it gets too noticeable to ignore. "You know some people have allergies to that shit."
"Then why do they keep them on the bar?" Jensen whispers, really loudly, maybe repeats it three times into Jared's shoulder until he's collapsed with his head in his arms on the bar top, cracking up.
Jared drags him off the stool and out the front door with an arm around his shoulders.
"Helping you out," Jared tells him, missing half those syllables, but Jensen can understand him anyway.
"Bullshit," he says to that, because it is. "I'm the only reason you're standing right now. I'm carrying literally all your weight. You're like a ten ton sack of flour."
"It's all muscle," Jared slurs. His hand tightens on Jensen's shoulder and the door jangles when they step out.
Outside, snow builds up in little mountain ranges to border the sidewalks. The rest has been stomped clear and melted by stumbling bar-goers.
"We need a taxi," he tells Jared who is one step ahead of him.
"I'm one step ahead of you," Jared says, waving his phone around as proof.
He puts it to his ear and looks seriously into the middle distance, listening to whatever dial tone or automated voice recording they’re giving him.
"Yes, Mulligans," Jared is saying into the phone. Jensen watches him for a long second and then looks around. He feels suddenly lucid, the reality of his life sobering him enough despite the limes and the gallons of beer. He wraps an arm around his middle, feeling his side with his fingers and watches cars skid by in the slush, skidding sleet out to spray small trees and parked buses. Pedestrians step aside to avoid being splattered.
"Five minutes?" Jared says to the person on the other end. "Excellent. Thanks." He clicks out of the call and it's quiet for a little while, until he says, "Hey, Jen?"
"Hm?" Jensen keeps his eyes on the road, watches two girls smile, heads together on the sidewalk opposite, snickering about something on one of their phones.
"So today on set..."
"Mm?" he says, the safest answer.
Jared hesitates. "Well...I just wanted to say..."
Jensen freezes up. "Yeah?"
"You have really soft lips," Jared says, finally looking straight at him. "It was like kissing a girl."
"You dick," Jensen says, and means it. He thinks for a wild second about collecting a snowball and hurling it at Jared's head, but he's not five and also there’s a thin layer of dirty, brown snow where they are. It's one thing to throw snowballs at the guy you like if they're clean and nice and perfectly made and impressive, but snowballs of low caliber send the opposite message.
Jared flutters his eyelashes. Jensen takes a surprised step back and Jared shoves against him with a hand to his chest until Jensen's shoulders hit the door frame of the shop front they're standing in front of. It's too easy to look up and not answer and Jared keeps his hand on Jensen's chest. Jensen is drunk, dammit.
Jared leans in, so their faces are close, like he's about to tell Jensen a secret. Jensen goes cross-eyed and, cross-eyed, thinks there's this tiny chance Jared's about to kiss him.
Jared leans closer and talks against Jensen's ear, so that Jensen's eyes fall closed to concentrate. "What lip balm do you use? Can I borrow it sometime?"
Jensen's eyes fly open and he shoves Jared away, hard.
Jared stumbles back, grinning. "No, in all seriousness, can I borrow it sometime?"
The taxi gets there like a yellow angel delivering Jensen from awkwardness. "Thank god," he says. "See if I buy you any drinks next time."
"You’re right. Next time it’s my turn," Jared says.
"You don't make any sense," Jensen tells him. "Get in the cab."
"Fine," Jared says, and slides into the back.
He wakes up feeling absolutely fine the next day, which is the first suspicious thing. Lying there in bed with a sheet tangled around one leg and weighed down by a quilted comforter that smells like some deodorant he’d accidentally put in the wash, he can hear a slow hum of traffic and feels an ache in his stomach. Which means lunchtime, probably.
He finally realizes he has to piss, too, too badly to lie there forever. He scootches over on the mattress, ready and preemptively wincing for the pang of a hangover that doesn't come. He feels weak on his feet when he stands, but half of it is sheer relief, and he succeeds at stumbling out into the hall.
The second suspicious thing is that he notices that there's someone else’s shirt on the bathroom floor. After he brushes last night out of his mouth with Crest and a lot of mouthwash, he goes to the top of the stairs to hear clanking, he realizes it smells like-
"Pancakes," Jared calls up.
"Yes/," Jensen says.
"Huh?" Jared asks. He looks exceptionally worse for wear standing in his jeans at the stove, very shirtless.
Jensen thinks about what they discussed last night at the bar. Now is not the time to ask to kiss Jared, but that doesn’t stop Jensen from wanting to.
Jared shakes his head and doesn't look up at him. "I can't even talk right now, I'm going to vomit on your pancake."
"Gross." Jensen comes up to the island and leans on his elbows, watching Jared's back work. He wants to bury his face in Jared's shoulder, and rubs his hand over his face thinking about it.
"Ow. Oil just splattered onto my chest."
Jensen keeps his weeping to nonexistent. "You want something to wear?" he asks instead, and grabs a white t-shirt from the clean laundry in a basket under the table.
"Thanks," Jared says though an armhole, head stuck for a second, then manages to work it out. He gives a pancake a despondent flip before leaning his hip against the counter.
"Hey, let me get that," Jensen tells him, and Jared goes away without argument, Jensen pushing him gently with a hand on his shoulder. "Go sit at the table."
The traffic is quiet outside in the snow. It’s nice to share a quiet moment away from the hectic bustle of set, and expectations Jensen has set for himself.
Jared has his head in his arms when Jensen turns around with plates.
"How are you not dying?" Jared mumbles this into his arms.
"I don’t know."
"That's not good enough," Jared says. "Tell me your secret."
Jensen smiles and pushes coffee Jared’s way. "Eat, for the love of god." He's saturated the pancakes in syrup and there's butter under there, soaked in. Jared takes a grateful mouthful and Jensen takes a bite after a second too, feeling like the butter gods have smiled upon him once again.
Later that afternoon he slides into a really intense lethargy, just as Jared's coming off his headache nausea stint.
"Well, I’m glad you feel better."
"You want to go grab dinner?" Jared asks. He managed to take a shower and now he doesn't look as green-tinted and weak, and it takes Jensen a second to realize how he’s in his nice button down and looks kind of too-casual about asking. This is about yesterday.
Jensen’s stomach swoops. In a perfect world, Jensen would say yes. They'd be dudes who go to dinner together and then take a non-romantic walk through Vancouver and then practice kissing by the river.
"Unfortunately, I can't get off the couch," he says, raising a hand up over the back so Jared can see more than just his feet and the top of his face from the kitchen. "You'll have to either raid my fridge or starve."
"I see," Jared says. There is a lengthy pause before he says, "Are you sure I can't entice you with a steak?"
"It is sadly imperative that I lie here," Jensen tells him. "It's literally all I can do."
He closes his eyes for a millisecond and then opens them to find Jared looking down at him. He can see up Jared’s nose. He thinks about how he has never had a crush like this, not since his freshman year of high school on some guy who used to be his tennis partner.
"Wow," Jared says. "You look like you did that time you had food poisoning."
Jensen picks a couch blanket off the floor and manages to hug it to himself. "I can't imagine life before or after this. I am going to watch South Park and die."
"Good idea." A friend is someone who supports you unconditionally.
Jensen closes his eyes again and drifts to the sound of Jared crashing around in the environs of the kitchen. He fumbles out of his doze to Jared sitting at his feet on the couch with a plate of grilled cheese triangles on the arm.
Jensen moves his feet when Jared sits on one. Jared flips to Netflix and turns on South Park and starts an episode.
"Do you want me to-"
"Nope," Jared says. Jensen takes a triangle and rests his head back on his arm while Jared pats his ankle, like, "Good job."
"Ok," Jensen says again. "Come here, let's just walk through the scene again."
"Right," Jared says.
Jensen nods and stands up a little straighter, ready to get this right. Because it takes believing and actually wanting something to make a change. He read that in a self-help that he may or may not have picked up last week. Well, when he first heard about it. He frowns at the thought.
"Dean," Jared says, and Jensen forces himself to pay attention.
He stands his ground when Jared steps up to him, two long steps, real Sam-like in his body language.
He shuts his eyes, Jared puts a hand on his arm, and says, "You're making the face again."
"What?"
"The face," Jared says. He looks slightly pained when Jensen opens his eyes. "It's your 'I feel supremely awkward, don’t make me do this' face."
"That’s just my face," Jensen says, a dangerous edge to his voice. "It just freaks me out a little."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean, I don't want to kiss anyone who doesn't want me to kiss them. Make yourself presentable, man."
"Ok," Jensen says. "Ok. Normal face. Check. Try again."
This time, when he closes his eyes and feels Jared touch his arm, Jared doesn't stop. Jensen has frantic butterfly feelings in his chest, so it's not like he even feels that embarrassed by them, just a solid sort of doom.
"There," Jared says.
"What?" Jensen asks, cracking one eye.
"There's the look."
"It is seriously my face."
"No it isn’t! I’ve seen your face."
"I don’t know what to tell you." Jensen wants to kiss Jared very badly, so this is totally not on him.
They leave the trailer. Instead of wildly making out like any normal people would make happen, they get dinner with two guys who do props. They have a couple beers. Jensen gets chicken wings and pays up on a wager from when his team lost last week, and then Jared drives him home.
They don't mention not-kissing in Jared's trailer. It is absolutely not a thing. Jared keeps tapping the steering wheel and Jensen tries to bring it up a couple times.
When they pull up to the curb by Jensen’s house, there’s a long pause. But instead of leaning over and planting one on Jared’s mouth, Jensen gets out of the car.
"See ya tomorrow," he says over his shoulder.
It's not until Jensen's rifling through a pile of magazines and Jared's hovering somewhere near the fish tank that Jensen realizes they're alone. The hair is standing up on the back of his neck and he doesn't look Jared's way, just rifles at a measured pace.
Things should never have gotten this awkward. He's not clear on much, but he knows he really wants to kiss Jared, and knows he doesn’t want to do it like this. He wants to drag Jared down with him onto the couch and go at it like teenagers.
"What’re those?"
Jared’s noticed the incest pamphlets.
"Nothing." He shovels them under a GQ. He keeps looking. "Fucking- Coulda sworn-"
But somehow those two times were less nerve-wracking than this moment now. They were fun, no confusing what was going on there, but this is Jared, his coworker-and-favorite-person combo trying and failing to look casual by his minifridge.
Jensen turns on him. "Why are you lurking?"
Jared freezes, his eyes going wide like he’s been caught out. "Uh. Well-"
Jensen has no idea why he's giving Jared a hard time about this. Part of him maybe wants Jared to work for it. He raises an eyebrow.
"Well," Jared says, and squints at Jensen.
There's a loud rap at the door and they both jump.
It's the PA. "Jensen! We've got a couple extra copies of the pages if you want one."
Jensen clears his throat to shout. "Found mine! Be there in a sec!" They wait until she shouts ok and leaves.
"Well,"Jensen says. Jared laughs.
"Oh my god," he says, and drops his head against Jensen's shoulder and Jensen pats him on the back before whacking him with the script and stepping away.
"Get a move on, cowboy. You heard the lady."
Text from; Danneel
10:05PM
I just watched episode 5. Sucks to be you. Ahahahah.
Text from; Chris
10:11PM
Steve and I decided to catch up on the show. That was highly rewarding. Say hey to J.
Text from; Mom
10:25PM
you’re making some very artistic choices jensen. love you mom and dad
They reshoot the kissing scene at the end of the very last day possible before it’s sent to the editing room.
"So," Bob says as they’re taking their marks. "Did you guys practice?"
"Of course," Jared says.
"With tongue," Jensen adds. Jensen nods emphatically.
"You know," Bob tells them. "For actors, you really suck at acting."
"Someone was playing hard to get," Jared says.
Jensen is affronted. "What!"
"Guys," Jeremy says. "Let’s just get this over with."
"We've literally reached the point of despair," Jared says to Jensen.
"Jensen, Dean is expecting it but not expecting Sam to do it in public, in a bar, you get me? Right now you look like a guy who’s waiting for the axe. Dean needs to look around a little more frantically before steeling himself and standing his ground. Maybe close your eyes so you don’t have to watch, if it’s easier. That might go over well."
Jensen does, and Jared does. They kiss and it’s brief and really great. Then, they break apart, and there is a smattering of applause that dies quick when people wander off, because this kiss is apparently old news to everyone but Jensen who can't move his legs, even when Bob mutters, "Good enough."
"Wahoo!" Jared shouts, throwing a fist in the air.
Jensen gives him a hearty pat on the back and Jared grins back and Bob says, "I thought the problem would be getting things past the network! But no. It’s only the two stars who are giving us issues. It's not like we're on a tight schedule or anything-"
"Hey." Jared finds him later that week, sitting next to him when Jensen’s prepped for a scene that’s heavy on the gore. "Here."
He puts a Starbucks cup in front of Jensen.. "You’ve seemed really stressed lately," he says. "Not that I think caffeine will necessarily help that situation, but here. Drink this and chill out."
I love you, Jensen thinks at him and then shoves the cup away. "No," he says. "I don’t want this."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "You don’t want...But I had them put an extra shot in it and everything!"
Jensen sees it clearly now. Things have gotten out of hand. He’s going to take Danneel’s advice. He’s going to sleep with his stunt double.
"Hey, Osric. Question. You're like...you know. In the know."
Osric puts his book down. "What."
"You're like, up on everything." Jensen glances over his shoulder. Eric's nowhere nearby, and Jared's all the way on the other side of the soundstage getting his bangs restraightened or whatever. "You know," Jensen continues, ducking closer. "Gossip-wise."
"Um," says Osric. "Yeah, I guess."
"So like...is Eric..." He trails off. Osric waits for Jensen to continue, obviously not getting it. Jensen has spent so much of his life not saying gay out loud he forgets how to talk about it at this critical moment, and Osric looks more apprehensive the longer Jensen stands there. Jensen is a grown man. He tries to remember this as he leans in and mutters, "Into dudes?"
"Oh," says Osric. "I think he probably is."
"Probably?" Jensen didn't get dressed and out of his trailer for 'probably.' "Come on, big O. You know everything!"
"That's very flattering, but I thought you meant real gossip. I couldn't tell you for sure."
"Well, can you find out?"
Osric holds up his hands. "Hey, chill. I didn't say I couldn't."
"Great," Jensen says. He takes a deep breath. "That's great, thanks." It's totally going to work out-
"Wait." Osric puts his smoothie down. "What's in it for me?"
Jensen rolls his eyes. Figures. "This isn't a bribe situation."
"Oh, really?" Osric looks unimpressed.
Jensen folds. "Fine, what do you want?"
"Genevieve's phone number." He says it with no hesitation.
Jensen stares at him. Osric raises his eyebrows.
"I 'm not a creep. I swear."
"Right."
"I just want to text her and-"
"Dude, I'm not giving you some girl's number." There are lines one does not cross, Jensen thinks, and this is probably one of them.
"She and I are totally friends. We met at dinner that one time." Osric makes his eyes big. "Come on, man. It's not weird. I can totally find out whether Eric’s into guys so you can have your weirdly self-centered thing, no judgment. I want to help you out."
Jensen takes Eric to O’Malley’s, even though it’s Friday, and Jensen knows Jared and the guys might be getting drinks. He puts his phone on silent and remembers that this is his life. Sometimes you have to do something for yourself.
The date is not anywhere near uncomfortable. Eric is just as cool offset as he is on, and, if it didn't feel so much like cheating on Jared, Jensen would be having an excellent time.
"And then I fucking flip over the wall into the shark tank," Eric says. He’s miming it with a fry representing himself and the basket holding the rest of the fries as the pool. And then I’m surrounded by great whites."
"What'd you do?"
"I got the heck out of there is what I did," he says. "I may take certain risks, but that is the last time I risk my life around live animals. That was too close. I almost lost my leg!"
"You know," Jensen says. "Something like that happened to Jared, too, once. Except it was the penguin tank at the zoo. He's like four left feet and no sense of balance. Comes from being tall."
"Jared’s rad," says Eric, which makes Jensen warm to him. "I’d love to work with him more. Patrick always goes on about how great he is." Patrick is Jared’s stunt double, and to be honest, seeing him always makes Jensen uneasy. You can only try to sneak up on the wrong person so many times before you begin resenting their existence.
"Yeah, Jared’s said good things about Patrick," he says instead.
"Hey, so is Jared seeing someone?"
Jensen fumbles his drink and Eric rights it - quick reflexes - and for a second he thinks Eric is onto him. But then Eric continues.
"What do you think my chances are? I mean, I don’t know him that well, I just think he’s super hot."
Jensen suddenly gets it. "Oh. Oh. No way."
Eric shrugs. "Fair enough. Not like Jared'd even notice me anyway."
"Serious?"
"Well, yeah, man. I got eyes. I know where his interests lie."
Jensen’s not really listening, though. "You know, that's kind of a dick move."
"Huh?"
"Talking about some other guy on a date." It’s kind of a kick to Jensen’s pride. It really smarts actually. Nevermind that he was just looking to hook up.
Eric's eyes widen and he takes long enough to respond that Jensen starts to feel stupid. "Wait, hold up, this is a date?"
Jensen swigs from his beer. "I mean, I get it. God knows I get it. But you could've just said no when I asked-"
"Wait," Eric says. "You get it? As in- You and Jared-"
"Yeah, ok? Yes. But I’m moving on." Jensen feels somehow very wholesome pointing this out.
"Well," Eric says. "If this is your idea of a date, it's no wonder he’s not won over."
Jensen points at him with his fry. "I'll have you know, Jared's ideal date, as he explained it to me himself over shitty pink cherry bomb cocktails, is at a dive bar just like this one."
"So you took me on another guy's date is what you're saying." Eric raises an eyebrow. "I have no words."
"Sorry."
"It’s all right. I have a bad history with first dates anyway. Patrick was the shark tank date."
It takes Jensen a second, and when he gets it, his mind boggles. "Wait, that was a date? I thought that was for a movie or something. And wait. Patrick-Patrick? You were dating the other stunt double?" This is absolutely priceless.
"Yeah, that was him." Eric smiles at the table, then looks back at Jensen. "It didn’t work out with us. But that’s ok."
It’s like staring into a mirror. Jensen sighs and sits back, rubbing a hand over his jaw. "You going to keep trying?"
"I don’t know. Probably not. But it’s been so bad between us these last couple months. It’s like, I work with him every day, right? We dodge bullets and jump off of buildings together, but I miss him all the damn time."
"Man up," Jensen tells Eric, his voice rougher than he intended it to be. "One of you has to."
"Maybe you should take your own advice," Eric says.
That night he goes home alone and lets himself get shitfaced in front of Madden. He wakes up drooling on his phone with the controller wrapped around one foot.
"Shit," he says, wiping the phone on his pants, quick, like it hasn't been soaked in drool for the last hour and this is a quick save.
He jumps up to get a paper towel but trips over his own feet, pulling the remote out of the PS2 and falling hard to one knee.
"Fuck," he says to his empty house. He lets his head thunk softly onto the rug. He pulls the phone to his chest, and clicks to see if it still works, which it does. There are eight text message notifications and a missed call, but he holds the phone to his chest and stares at the dark ceiling.
"Fuck," he says again, the dream he was just having coming back to him in fragments. In it he’d shoved a shirtless Jared into a birthday cake and then licked the frosting from his sides. "Fuck my life."
He's still drunk. He falls asleep like that, tugging the blanket from the couch and dragging it over himself before passing out.
He thinks to himself, it’s just a handjob. This is what his life has become.
"God," Jensen says to the ceiling, the script falling to the floor of his trailer.
There’s a knock and Jared comes in. "Ready?"
The sight of him is too much. Jared looks so familiar and just really great. Jensen absolutely failed at sleeping with a really cool guy and the conversation only stuck him further in the sick place between want and reality. Seeing Jared now with his dimples and his hair is too much.
"Man, where were you last night?" he asks. "I tried your phone."
Jensen shoves down the feeling like he's about to be caught. Jared isn't his mom or anything, and he's definitely not his boyfriend.
He puts a pen in his pocket and finds his sunglasses. "On a date."
Jared laughs until Jensen turns and raises an eyebrow.
"Oh," Jared says, cutting off. "Oh, dude. I didn’t realize." He smiles and grips Jensen by the shoulder. "You know what? Good for you."
It’s obvious he wants to ask more, but Jensen doesn’t elaborate. He wishes he hadn’t said anything, and curbs further conversation by tossing Jared the jacket he’d left there the day before.
"Let’s go. We’re late."
Eric finds him when they’re setting up for the scene. "Jensen."
"Hey," Jensen says. He’s happy to see him, not at all awkward.
Eric smiles. "I had a really great time last night. Thanks again. I hadn’t been out in a while. Let’s do it again sometime."
"Yeah," Jensen says. "Me, too." And it’s totally true. He feels like they’re really tight, or something, like he’s made a new friend.
When he turns, Jared's already in the Impala, drinking out of a water bottle and looking kind of uncomfortable. Jensen climbs in next to him.
"You ready for road hand?"
Jared doesn't even answer.
"Come on, that was genius."
"Ha ha," Jared says.
It's kind of satisfying that he's pissed, just a little. Jensen refuses to feel guilty. He shakes his head and looks out at the crew, and then looks back. Jared lets one leg fall against the passenger-side door. Jensen gives it a sidelong glance. Jared’s hand settles near his crotch. It should be skeevy but it only makes Jensen kind of yearn to lean over and put his mouth on his neck.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and Jensen raises an eyebrow at Jared’s wayward hand before pulling it out. He pauses upon seeing the name on the message, but opens it anyway. Just like ripping off a band aid.
Text from; Genevieve
Jensen darling! I was going to give you shit for giving out my phone number, but turns out Osric gives amazing head. You’re forgiven xoxoxo
As Jensen stares at his phone, Bob calls, "Jensen, you ready?"
He pockets his phone.
"Look," Bob tells them, leaning in through the open door. "Sam and Dean are driving through middle of America. It's a sunny day out. The sky is blue, music’s on and cornstalks are swaying. Fields stretch off into god knows where. It's a rare moment of solitude in the rest of the season. They haven’t been talking much since that blowjob last episode. It’s all avoidance and stolen glances. Then this is the big scene where they’re back on equal footing. The dynamic reasserts itself. Sam is sulky, bugging Dean, who finally gives him what he wants, as always."
"All right," Jensen says. "So, I'm just going to reach over?"
Jared cuts in. "No, I get all hot and bothered first."
He looks at Jared, "Yeah, after that I mean."
"Yeah," Jared says.
Jensen stares at him until Jared nods and says, "Ok" and drags his seatbelt over himself.
Jensen closes his door and drapes an arm over the wheel. The driving screen is running a cornfield backdrop past them, and the car sways just that little bit. Jensen grips his hands on the wheel, slack and at the 10-2 position.
Next to him, Jared splays out a little more and gets Sam emo, more withdrawn and focused and full of furtive intent. Jensen pretends to drive, eyes fixed on the supposed road ahead.
"So that was something back there, huh?" Dean glances over and Sam, who’s staring out the window. "We weren't half bad, huh? I mean, us, as a team. It's good. Things are, uh. Good, right?"
"Yeah, Dean, things are fine."
Sam sounds tight around the edges.
"Good," Dean says. "Yeah, that's real good. And if there's anything, well, nothing a few miles of road can't fix, am I right?"
"Yeah whatever." It's quiet for a long ten seconds and then Sam stretches out his legs a little more, until his feet are as far in the footwell as they can get. His legs fall open into a wide V, real obvious-like, and Dean flickers his eyes over, looks quickly back to the road, flickers his eyes over for longer and then back to the road, swallowing.
"Just, ah," he says while Jared, in his peripheral vision, rubs his hand up and down his leg a few times, from his knee to his inner thigh, a few times. Jensen clears his throat and says, "Just put it behind us." Just as Jared slides a hand up to cup his junk.
"Mmm?" Jared asks. It's a quiet moaning sound and Jensen thinks that it sounds pretty real, but Jared is a great actor and he's never afraid of just going for it.
It's quiet for a long time after that. When Jared moans again, Jensen says, "Sam."
It comes out just as broken as he'd expect it to. He keeps his eyes on the road but reaches a hand over and feels his way to Jared's lap. He touches the top of Jared’s hand, the soft skin there and he wants to grab Jared's hand and shove both of their hands down the front of his jeans. Jared grips the door while Jensen fumbles for his button.
And Jared...Jared left the button undone for him. Because obviously it would be easier for the take. The idea of Jared leaving his button undone for Jensen's ease of access goes right to Jensen's dick. Jensen fumbles frantically and shoves his hand inside.
He knows he’s not really supposed to fist Jared’s dick through the fabric of his boxer briefs and jerk him off quick and unforgiving, but he wants to.
Jensen stares out the windshield, arm working, hand pushing and moving inside the front of Jared's pants like something's happening. He glances aside a few times, letting his mouth part a little. Jared, meanwhile, is shifting in the seat, gripping the door and moving restlessly, his legs shifting wider and his head tipping back.
"Jesus Christ, Dean," he groans. "Jesus, yeah."
He slings an arm across the back of the seat and slides down a little more. Lounging out for Jensen to touch. And when his palm brushes Jared’s cock. Jared hisses.
Jensen's left hand is clenched knuckle-white on the wheel and his other hand is getting tired from the mere fifteen seconds of waving it around in tiny motions in Jared's jeans. What makes it even harder is Jared is hard. It shouldn't be a surprise. Jared's doing a fantastic job of being the recipient of a fake hand job, knuckles brushing the back of Jensen's neck at intervals, so much so that Jensen's worried he's going to come in his own pants if Jared doesn't cut it out soon.
"Yeah," Jensen says, in his most gravelly voice. "You gonna last for me? I've got all afternoon. Nowhere to be, no one out here knows you're my brother. All they see is two guys having a good time in a sweet-ass car on the highway We've got till Cincinnati" And on ‘Cincinnati,’ Jared fake comes, gripping the spot between Jensen's neck and shoulder, hard.
Jensen tries not to notice how Jared's dick actually twitches against his hand, and pulls his hand away to wipe it on the front of Sam’s jeans.
"Ew, gross, Dean," Jared says, whiny little brother tone set to go, and Jensen grins and turns up the music.
They end scene and Bob comes up to rap on the window with a big grin on his face.
"Nice work!"
"I'm going to go take a cold shower," Jared says. It should sound like a joke but there’s something off about the tone, and sure enough, when Jensen turns back to him, Jared is disappearing out of the sound stage door.
Jensen goes to talk to Bob and leans over his shoulder to watch the playback.
Then suddenly it clicks. Jared is jealous. What makes it even worse, is that Jensen feels like he’s known it for a long time, now.
Jared shakes his head before Jensen opens his mouth. "You don't have to say anything."
"I want to," Jensen says. Then, for good measure, "Jerk."
Rain is soaking up the backs of Jensen's jeans. His knees ache with the weather, dark clouds crowding each other. Jared has a waiting expression, unimpressed, and Jensen thinks, it’s now or never.
"So you’re upset," he says. He feels overly fond especially as Jared’s so visibly annoyed.
In fact, when Jensen glances his way he sees that Jared looks kind of miserable, his hair plastered to his face with rain. Jensen wants to kiss him, for real this time, with no one around to see. He’s going to do it. He’s going to reach out and drag Jared down into the kiss of his life.
"Jensen," Jared says when Jensen takes a step in.
Behind them, someone calls, "Jensen! Jared!"
Jared actually jumps and Jensen steps back so innocently he has his phone out to check his missed calls in half a second flat.
Jeremy reaches them, looking pleased. "Guys, glad I caught you! Guess who has no Emmy to-date, but’s been nominated for an MTV Television Award this year for Best Kiss?"
Jensen takes another half step away from Jared. Nothing to see here. "You serious?"
"Hell yes, I'm serious. We just got the call. Best Kiss 2014!"
It’s great news. The irony, however, is somewhat devastating. Jensen's smile feels like it's tacked on and Jared's doesn't look much better.
"Well," Jensen says. "That's great!"
"Yeah," Jared says. He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets. "Real great. Go team."
Jeremy pumps his fist. "Good work. Well, you guys have a good weekend, you hear?"
Jensen nods, gives a perfunctory wave. "Yeah, you too. You're going out to Alta Lake, right? Give those fish some hell for me."
They watch him walk away, until he's just a speck on the parking lot horizon.
"Jensen," Jared says. "I’m sorry."
"About what?"
"It’s been super awkward, and I’ve been like, letting it happen.I see how uncomfortable I’ve been making you," Jared says. "And it hasn’t been fair to you."
Jared is letting him down easy. This is what it is.
Jared continues quickly, "It doesn't have to get in the way of the show. Like, things don't have to be messed up, right?"
Jensen shrugs. "Yeah, dude. Just…forget about it, ok? It doesn't make me feel weird or anything. Like, on set or whatever."
Jared nods. "I’m sorry."
"Dude, really," Jensen says. "Don’t apologize. Don’t ever do that. This is on me. It’s just- You're my best friend." It rolls of his tongue awkwardly.
Jared looks heartbroken, kind of desperate. He says, "Yeah, of course. Jesus, Jensen."
Suddenly, Jensen needs to get out of here.
But he doesn’t have a car. They’re waiting for Clif. He could leave now, and call a cab.
There's a splashing of footsteps. Jared looks past his shoulder and Jensen turns. It’s Clif. Jensen wants to chase him down, but he limits this to a brisk walk.
"Jensen," Clif says when they meet in a puddle. He looks past Jensen's shoulder and then looks Jensen over. "Everything all right?"
"I'm going to ask you a favor," Jensen says in a quick, low tone. "And you have to say yes."
Clif looks considering. "Ontario-favor? Because you can catch a plane this time, my friend."
"No, not like Ontario," Jensen says, exasperated and hurried. "I'm going to ask you to take your car and I swear I will return it in a couple of hours, I just need to go. Now. Alone."
"Uh."
"Next three dinners on me and a bottle of scotch," Jensen says, and wedges the keys out from Clif's loose fist.
"Uh, ok," Clif says. "You all right?"
"Thanks," Jensen calls over his shoulder. "Really."
"Oh. Hey there, Jared," he hears Clif saying as he sprints away.
Jensen doesn’t know where he’s driving. He doesn’t have to. He’s clearing his head.
Alternatively, he’s a grown-ass man and he’s running from his problems. For the first time in his career, he thinks seriously about quitting and living out the rest of his life in a cabin somewhere, occasionally emerging on weekends or bimonthly to buy food at the local farmer’s market and just generally keeping out of contact with anyone he’s ever met.
He feels shaky, and then realizes it’s the car itself that’s shaking.
"Shit," he says. "Shit."
This isn’t his car. He pulls to a stop along the shoulder, gravel crunching. He gets out and walks a circle around it. Some of the wheel nuts have broken off.
"God dammit."
He calls a tow company and they say it will be at least an hour. It’s raining and there are panoply small collisions all over the city.
Jensen grabs the wet handle, opens the door again and slides into the driver’s seat to wait. He didn’t know where he was heading, anyway.
He sits there so long the car begins to feel like a fishbowl. Rain is dripping down the dash slow and all he can see is the murky green blur of the evergreens that line the highway. While he waits for the tow truck, he tweets about it.
Tweet from; @jarpad
Side of the road. Nuts fell off.
This is immediately retweeted by at least 100 of Jared’s followers. Then, with a calm clarity, he texts Genevieve:
Text to; Genevieve
2:18pm
Tried to make a move on Jared. Stupid idea.
It’s all Jensen’s fault. Jensen put himself here, breathing the damp air puffed out by the car heater and tracing back where he went wrong.
When a car pulls up behind his, it’s not the tow truck. Jensen rolls down the window and sticks his head out into the drizzle in time to see Jared jump out of the driver’s side.
"Hi," Jensen says.
"Can I get in?"
"Sure."
Jared walks around to the passenger’s side and gets in. He slams the door behind them and they sit in companionable silence until Jensen confesses.
"I killed the car."
"Yeah," Jared says. "I saw. And you tweeted about it. Made it look like I didn’t know the first thing about cars."
"Oh right. Tell me you could fix that."
"I could sue you for slander."
"Not my fault you leave yourself logged in on my phone. How’d you find me?"
"The location on the tweet you sent."
Jensen nods. A truck passes outside, at slow, rain speeds, and Jared reclines his chair a bit. Jensen moves his seat back and closes his eyes. Other than the unspoken tension from before, it feels very normal to be broken down on the side of the road together.
"Jensen," Jared says, after a long few minutes.
"No." Jensen shakes his head. "It’s not important. We can just move on, forget it happened."
"Jensen-"
Jensen raises his hand to interrupt.
"So," Jared says. "I talked to Eric after you left."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." Jared’s laugh is rueful. "He told me you helped him out, got him back together with my stunt double."
"That," Jensen says. "Was an accident."
Jared leans across the the gearstick very deliberately kisses him. It’s good and firm, and it lasts all of a second before he’s pulling away again, way too soon.
"You make me feel like a goddamned teenager, Jensen. It's been 9 years and I can't stop sweating around you."
"Ever the romantic," Jensen manages.
"I never pretended- "
The cut off noise Jared makes when Jensen kisses him is deeply satisfying on a spiritual level. Jensen kisses him again and twists in his seat and leaning over the center console to get up in Jared’s space.
Kissing Jared now is private, and quiet, and Jensen winds his fingers through Jared’s hair and tugs. Jared tightens his grip on Jensen’s shoulder, fingers flexing.
"I haven't been acting," Jared pulls away to say.
Jensen blinks. "Well, that’s frankly untrue."
"No, I’m saying, I figured it out. It's what’s wrong with the kiss scene. It’s not a movie kiss, it’s a … hey, it’s Thursday, kiss."
Jensen smiles. "Yeah, it was pretty bad, wasn’t it."
The rain picks up. Jensen gets his mouth on Jared’s again, heart thudding in his head, noses brushing. The center compartment is hard between them and the third time Jared knocks an elbow against it he laughs and says, "I feel like we’re in some chaste, above-the-belt situation."
"Let’s leave the roadhand to the professionals," says Jensen. Jared grins.
They’re interrupted by the tow truck clunking to a stop behind them.
"Yep, looks like it’s the wheel nuts," the mechanic tells them when they’ve gotten out to meet him. The guy kicks the left front tire and nods. "Tire could have flung right off. It’s sure a good thing one of you was driving with the parking brake on. Otherwise you might never have stopped."
"It was him," Jared says, then looks at Jensen. "Driving with the parking brake on."
"Selling me out?"
His phone vibrates.
Text from; Genevieve
5:02pm
You’re welcome.
"It’s nothing. I mean, it’s Genevieve. I texted her."
"Yeah, she's the one who told me to follow you. Hey." Jared is smiling at him kind of sidelong, and Jensen doesn’t trust it. "You wanna go to the awards show with me?"
"What, like your date?"
"Uh, duh. That’s what I mean."
Jensen raises his eyebrows. "Dude, that’s like two months away. And we always go together." He thinks about it. "Hey! Is this a cop out?"
Jared slings an arm across his shoulders and drags him to the tow truck. "Oh come on," he says. "I hear we have amazing chemistry."
The limo pulls up to the MTV Television Awards at seven. Jensen steps onto the red carpet in a tux. He looks back over his shoulder to see what the fuss is all about, why the crowd is going insane, and sees that Jared’s just ducked out of the limo from behind him. Jensen thinks about swooning, too.
When Jared comes up next to him, he touches Jensen's elbow and then flings an arm around his shoulders, they walk like that, Jensen raising a hand to wave to cameras. He cannot keep the grin off his face, not even if tries.
Their category is called up and clips shown of each of the contenders. Jensen watches a three second clip of a sweeping kiss. And then it’s over and when Game of Thrones wins, all the tension goes out of Jensen's shoulders for the first time all night.
"Well, we didn't win," Jeremy says at the bar.
Jared shrugs. "At least Jensen got mentioned in the speech."
"Inexplicable," Jeremy says, and asks for another gin.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau nods to Jensen as they pass, and Jensen nods back.
It's springtime. Season 9 has come to a close and they're at an event with all their coworkers. And Jared is his date. Of course he is.
Text to; Danneel
9:12PM
SCORE!
These things take time.
_____
extra - TWITTER REACTION POST
Jensen would feel wretched, so luckily he can’t feel anything right now. He probably won’t feel anything ever again.
He snags the key to one of the Impalas and spends his break in the dirtiest one, furthest away from other people. Danneel picks up on the second call.
"Work is stressful," is what he leads with.
"Is this about that thing you wanted to talk to me about?"
"....maybe. Are you busy?"
"Not too busy to hear what's got you tied in knots."
"I just spent half an hour licking cherry pulp and chocolate off of Jared's stomach."
There is a long pause before she says, "That is maybe the best thing I've ever heard. It sounds like a kind of ice cream. Feel free to continue, context optional."
Jensen puts his hand over his face and listens to distant voices. They’re doing an outside shoot with Misha right now.
"Ok," says Danneel. "Is this about work?"
"Yeah."
"All right. Bad?"
"Uh, I don't know."
"Bad with Jared?"
Jensen can't even bring himself to say anything. His neck feels hot. His knee slips against the steering wheel and the air is oppressive.
"Wait, is he ok?" She quickly follows up with, "Of course he is. But you're not ok. But it's about him. And it's about work. Oh my god, do you have actual sex scenes? Wow, I had not- And you’re having a hard time with it because..." Jensen lets that one sit because fuck his life. Danneel seems to intuitively grasp how screwed he is anyway. "Oh...oh, honey."
"Yeah." Jensen’s voice cracks. "I mean, it’s not a big thing."
He can hear her thinking, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. She finally says, "Jensen. You know I love you. And Jared couldn’t last a day without you. But don't you think if it was going to happen, it would have happened already?"
She’s right, of course.
"I’m sorry."
"No, no," he says. "You’re right. It’s not even a thing, really. I probably just need to get laid. By someone else. How’re things going on your show?"
"Awesome."
"And LA?"
"Hot. Stop changing the subject. Ask Genevieve about Jared, ok? She’s Jared's best friend, she would know." Jensen experiences a spike of outrage that is only somewhat quelled when Danneel says, "Best friend besides you. Good grief. Anyway, she'd be a better person to ask."
"Ok."
"You going to call her?"
Jensen nods to an empty car. "Totally, yeah."
"You're not, are you?"
"No. Absolutely not." Genevieve is the most formidable person Jensen's ever met.
In any normal situation, Jensen would try his best to avoid dwelling on his recent preoccupation with Jared’s biceps, for instance, and just try to keep his head down, focus on work. But work has him kissing Jared the next week.
Jared scratches his nose and says, "Of course there are a billion people here."
It's true. And only about half of them are extras. Jensen spots a familiar blondish head. "Aw, why is Mark here? He's not even on set this season."
"Maybe they're shooting something new with Lucifer we don't know about yet?"
"Or maybe he just came to watch." Jensen pauses. "Hey, did you brush your teeth?"
"No, and I spent the last hour eating onion rings." Jared rolls his eyes. "Yes, I brushed my teeth."
"Ok, enough sweet talk," Bob says before Jensen can follow up on that.
They head over to the side to run lines and discuss blocking with Dave. Jensen could deal with previous scenes because there was some degree of fabrication, but you can’t really fake a kiss.
"You'll be standing in front of him, relaxed," says Dave. " Remember, Dean thought Sam left him for a ‘normal life.’ But Sam tracks him down. It was all a misunderstanding." He points to the bar and says, "Jensen, Dean’s leaning against the bar with a beer in hand. And Jared, you storm in and spot him just hanging out like he doesn’t realize how heartbroken you are." He gestures with his pencil. "Sam advance and kisses Dean like he means it. Then, it’s a wrap."
He makes it sound so easy. Jensen tries to tell himself that it is. He knows he can do this.
When the cameras roll, Jared walks up to him and puts a hand on his arm. Fingers grip into the sleeve of his jacket, grip his bicep, Jared's hand strong and steady, and then Jared leans in. Jensen tips his head up the tiniest, smallest fraction of a centimeter when Jared's mouth hits his, like maybe Sam is giving it, yeah, but Dean isn't just taking it, he's accepting it, he's giving it back.
When Jared leans in, Jensen lets his eyes flutter closed. He sighs into it when Jared presses their mouths together. It’s just a kiss, but Jensen feels it down to his toes, this zapping of awareness of every single place that Jared's body is touching his.
When Jared pulls away, Jensen can still feeling the imprint of Jared’s mouth on his. Jensen keeps his eyes closed for a moment to make the kiss look real. He scrunches his eyebrows just in case, so that he looks more concerned and sad that Sam's pulled away.
Jared's looking at him with a careful expression, guarded.
"Cut!"
Jared grins. It makes Jensen feel smug. If there's one thing he can nail, it's a kiss scene, and he and Jared together probably look like anyone's wet dream.
The buzz of bar conversation dies as the extras go quiet. Bob comes onto set and looks between the two of them, looks up at the light and then moves Jared to the left a little.
"Let’s try that again."
Jensen shrugs. "Ok."
He’s got this. Sort of.
Jared is staring at his mouth, which does things to Jensen. Jared’s eyes are dark, intent, and Jensen thinks this job is going to kill him. He swallows thickly and waits for the inevitable.
Jared flexes his fingers. When they're rolling, he takes one step toward Jensen. Then another.
"Cut!" Bob yells. "Ok guys. Let's work it out a little. You're a little tense."
Jensen laughs. "Tense?"
"Whatever," Jared says. They try it again.
And again.
Jensen’s starting to get a bad feeling about this. After the seventh take, he wonders if this isn’t going to be like an eternal purgatory of Jared stepping toward him, Jensen closing his eyes against the sight, and Jared kissing his mouth, meaningless.
"Right now it looks pretty good," Bob says, which makes Jensen uncertain.
"Let's try a tenth take," Bob says. Jensen laughs, feeling kind of crazed. Jared gives him a weird look, but gets back into place. Bob squints at the two of them. "Daylight’s burning, people. Let’s try to take this seriously."
Jensen's mouth falls open. Actual jaw drop.
"Seriously?" Jared says.
"Yes. I know that's a foreign concept to you two, but let's do it."
"Burn," Jared mutters to him when they’re taking their marks.
"We caught that," says one of the camera people.
Jared shrugs. He looks at Jensen. "Okay?"
"Okay," says Jensen, "we can do this."
Jared nods and says, "Yeah."
Because they can. And Jensen is keenly aware that everyone is watching them, more aware than he thinks he’s ever been in their history on this set.
But they can do this.
"Cut!" Bob says before Jensen even feels Jared's warmth near his face. He cracks an eye and sees Jared staring at him like he's concerned.
"What?" Jensen asks, rubbing his face with both hands. "Spider?"
"No," Jared says. "What?"
"Take twelve!" someone shouts.
Jensen takes a deep breath, drops his shoulders, and says, "Lay one on me."
Jared gets up close and grabs one of Jensen's arms, leans in and Jensen's all ready for the kiss when Amy yells, "Cut!"
"What?" he and Jared both say. Jensen opens his eyes and Jared's right there, looking at Jensen's mouth, ready, because they'd been interrupted and Jared is an A plus actor, goddammit, he'll hold his position. Jared watches the smile curve on Jensen's mouth and smiles back.
"Jensen looked too much like himself," Bob notes, which is really minorly embarrassing when the implication sets in two seconds later, but luckily they move past it quickly. "Jensen, remember that Dean is steeling himself for it. Sam's coming up from the bar where he'd been drinking and mulling over the difficulties of wanting his brother-"
"In all the wrong ways," Jared quips and waggles his eyebrows.
Jensen laughs. "Fucked up part is you are exactly right. That is exactly what it is."
Jared scrutinizes him, then looks down at himself, and then comes out with, "You know, maybe you're too tall."
Jensen frowns. "I am perfect, thank you very much. My momma told me so."
Jared sighs and slings an arm around Jensen's shoulders. He tugs him in against his side, hard, forcibly wedging Jensen's head under his chin. "I know," he says, morosely, almost soothingly. "I know, don't worry."
It's like Jared's intently worshiping Jensen's mouth or something. It feels fond and full of intent, like he's coveting him in the middle of this crowd, hiding him away from the rest of the world.
Jensen smirks against Jared's mouth, and Jared feels it and says. "Dude," like he’s fed up. Jensen tries to roll his bottom lip under his teeth when Jared steps back, because he really cannot smirk like that in a take.
Jared looks at Jensen, questioning. Jensen shrugs.
"You make me feel like a pretty princess," Jensen tells him. He grabs out. "C'mere, do it again."
Jared goes red, actually red. It's a color Jensen's barely ever seen on him and it feels like victory of a long-term investment sort when Jared crosses his arms over his chest.
"No," he says. "Fuck off, I'm trying but-" He looks over at Bob. "Can we take five minutes?"
"Cut!" someone yells.
"Sure thing," Bob says. "I think we got it."
"Cool," Jared says, gives Jensen a look and walks away to go grab a bottle of water and sit in his chair.
Jensen's glad they stopped. He knows he's being an asshole but he doesn't know if he can deal. Feelings, man.
"Jensen," Bob calls. "Could you come over here for a second."
Jensen comes to lean over Bob’s shoulder and watches as he rewinds the video.
"I'm going to show you the hard, honest truth," Bob tells him, which usually means he's letting him know that the camera caught Jensen and Jared in the middle of doing something to Misha.
Bob moves over silently for Jared and Jensen to lean in and see. He pushes play and they watch the first take. On screen, Jensen is watching Jared with guarded heat- so far, so perfect. But Jensen sees the problem Bob was referring to when Jared takes a step closer and leans in to kiss him. It's how it's supposed to go, but Jensen looks like he's sucking on something exceptionally bitter, and Jared looks freaked out.
"Just the first take," Jared says. "It got better obviously. It was just nerves."
The second take is kind of the same, except this time Jensen looks like he's maybe about to cry. Jared, for his part, looks supremely awkward.
"Why are you making that face?" Jared asks next to him. "Is the idea of kissing me that bad?"
"What? No," he says. "No, Jared, the idea is not that bad. I mean, except for the whole you, thing. But other than that, no."
Jared laughs, accepts the really poor attempt at a joke. "You charmer."
The next shot's promising, Jensen's face is finally normal and Jared’s more apprehensive, like Sam's wondering if Dean's going to punch him for doing something gay in public.
"See, that's what I'm talking about," Jared says, about to feel really good about it, but Jensen shakes his head.
"No, look. It’s getting-" He searches for the right word. "Weird."
They watch as the kiss keeps going. It's not just weird. It’s actually boring.
"It looks like a bad porn," Jared breathes. "How does it look like bad porn?"
"Exactly," Jensen says. "Yeah, it's like when there's some staged thing right?"
"So you see where you went wrong?" Bob says. He sounds like a teacher asking them if they've realized why cheating on a test could be detrimental to the rest of their educational career.
They watch one of the other takes. It's not the camera angle that's the problem, that is what Jensen's mind first goes to, to find something to blame. No it's just-
"Dude," Jensen says, an edge of hysteria to his voice. "We don't-"
Jared blinks at this information.. "What?"
"No chemistry," Jensen repeats. "Zilch. Zip. Nada." He feels this upwelling of panic in his chest, the sort of hysterical laughter you get when you realize you booked a flight for the wrong month or when you find out that Dr. Pepper is owned by Pepsi and Mr. Pibb has been owned by Coca Cola this whole time.
Jared gives Jensen a look, something incredulous. "No chemistry," he repeats.
Jensen nods. He has no clue where they went wrong, not the first clue. He turns to Bob. "But you did finally get a take?"
"That last one was probably the best we have," Bob says, sounding very skeptical. "If only because it looks more natural, not because it's what we wanted."
They watch the one he's talking about. It's the one that starts out awkwardly and Jared says, "Dude, what the hell?" and steps back.
Jensen smiles when he sees himself say, "You make me feel like a pretty princess. C'mere, do it again."
"No," Jared says on screen. "Fuck off, I'm trying but-"
Bob pauses the video.
Jared says, "You're using that scene?"
"It looked natural. You looked angry, like Sam would if Dean had made fun of him after coming into a bar to kiss his brother."
Jensen doesn't know why Bob has to keep saying it like that. "Okay," he says, deciding just to deal with it.
Bob takes a deep breath and shakes his head at them. He looks bemused but also like he's a producer on a tight schedule who needs his actors to deliver, which he is. He tells them, "I mean this in the best way possible, but work out your shit."
"We don't have any shit!" Jared says.
"Yeah," Jensen says, "Shit free since ‘03!"
"What happened in ‘03?" Jared asks.
"I don't know," Jensen says. "Laxatives? Fuck off, Bob knows what I mean."
"Seriously," Bob tells them. "Fix it. I know you guys are great at what we normally shoot. But we're pushing the envelope here. Viewers are going to be horrified and confused and we need to sell it to them. We need them to buy that we're not changing the tone here, just the content, just that little bit, you see?"
"Yeah."
"The viewers are going to resist, some viewers we're going to lose, that's inevitable. All we can do is do our part to create something honest, a truthful story about the moments in Sam and Dean's lives that shape them, that have made them into the heroes they are today."
He taps the screen vehemently. Jensen's been given talks before about keeping his hands off the fancy equipment, so he knows this is serious.
"This today," Bob says, giving the screen another tap. "Wasn't exactly up to that standard. It wasn't exactly the sort of stuff we want out there. The last take might make it to the gag reel, but I don't think we can use it."
"What should we-"
"Do what you'd normally do. Talk it out. Discuss motive and interaction and how to translate internal conflict onto the screen. When we do that, when you act each scene as a part of a greater emotional arc, one more step along the hero's journey, then we'll have created the best show that we possibly can. Then we'll be good."
Bob busts up laughing, totally breaking the moment. "Or at least an A plus show about brother fucking, am I right? Ok, we'll come back to this." He jerks today’s pages out of his back pocket. "Scene sixteen's up next."
Jared and Jensen look at each other. Jensen nods, jaw clenching. This is on. Jared lifts his chin in agreement.
They are going to fucking own this.
But not yet. It's Friday, which is beer night. Always has been, the world over. Given the events of the day, Jensen could not be more thankful for that.
"This is so confusing," Jared says into his bottle.
"What is?"
"This!" Jared gestures between himself and Jensen. "The thing on set. You know, when we somehow didn’t land the romance scene despite all evidence that we’d be great at it."
"Oh, right," Jensen says. "That."
"Because we’ve always been great together."
Jensen nods. "Totally. So why doesn't it show up on film?"
Jared drinks down half the bottle. His throat works and Jensen finds himself watching.
"I don’t know," Jared says. "It’s like life’s greatest mystery." He puts his bottle solidly on the bar, and then looks questioning. Jensen shrugs one shoulder and slings his arm over Jared’s chair back. He watches Jared order, flicking two fingers in the air, tapping the bar, some universal sign that means, "two more, one for me, one for my friend."
The bartender shakes and pours out what look like molten cherry with salt encrusting the rims of martini glasses and brings them to a couple of guys at the other end before he gets a few beers out of the fridge for them.
"Keep your tab open?" the bartender asks. And then with something Jensen thinks sounds like hope, "Or close it out?"
"Hm," Jared says, even though it’s not his card. He taps at his chin in serious decision making. "The choices are endless."
"We’ll keep it open," Jensen says, and tells Jared, "I owe you from Tuesday."
"So, we going to practice or what?"
"Uh," says Jensen. "Ok."
"Ok?"
"I mean," Jensen says. And thank god the beer’s taken the edge off of his panic. "We have to, right? You heard Bob today."
Jared nods. "Totally," then hastens to say, "Not right now, obviously."
"No, I mean, of course not. But this week at some point."
"Yeah."
They've been here two and a half hours, and to be honest Jensen is pretty smashed. He's sitting on a goddamn stool which wobbles every time he leans in to say something to Jared. It seems foolish that they'd set up a place of drink with backless chairs that are easy to fall off of.
Jared fiddles with a napkin. "Hey. I'm glad we didn't invite the other guys tonight."
Jensen is, too, mainly because he feels like the entire crew must be aware by now that he is harboring some unfortunate feelings for Jared.
"You are so far gone," Jared tells him. Jensen looks over to find Jared smiling something in a way that Jensen would like to call fond, were they to ever speak of it out loud, which they would never. Not in a million years, not on his life.
Jensen shakes his head, which makes the world list to the side a little before it slingshots back into focus. "I'm right here," he says, and slaps the bar. "Totally stone cold sober, you better catch up, Padalecki."
They leave the bar only when it's absolutely necessary, when they've moved on from trying to toss peanuts in their own mouths to tossing peanuts into the bartender's mouth.
"Come on guys," the bartender says, when it gets too noticeable to ignore. "You know some people have allergies to that shit."
"Then why do they keep them on the bar?" Jensen whispers, really loudly, maybe repeats it three times into Jared's shoulder until he's collapsed with his head in his arms on the bar top, cracking up.
Jared drags him off the stool and out the front door with an arm around his shoulders.
"Helping you out," Jared tells him, missing half those syllables, but Jensen can understand him anyway.
"Bullshit," he says to that, because it is. "I'm the only reason you're standing right now. I'm carrying literally all your weight. You're like a ten ton sack of flour."
"It's all muscle," Jared slurs. His hand tightens on Jensen's shoulder and the door jangles when they step out.
Outside, snow builds up in little mountain ranges to border the sidewalks. The rest has been stomped clear and melted by stumbling bar-goers.
"We need a taxi," he tells Jared who is one step ahead of him.
"I'm one step ahead of you," Jared says, waving his phone around as proof.
He puts it to his ear and looks seriously into the middle distance, listening to whatever dial tone or automated voice recording they’re giving him.
"Yes, Mulligans," Jared is saying into the phone. Jensen watches him for a long second and then looks around. He feels suddenly lucid, the reality of his life sobering him enough despite the limes and the gallons of beer. He wraps an arm around his middle, feeling his side with his fingers and watches cars skid by in the slush, skidding sleet out to spray small trees and parked buses. Pedestrians step aside to avoid being splattered.
"Five minutes?" Jared says to the person on the other end. "Excellent. Thanks." He clicks out of the call and it's quiet for a little while, until he says, "Hey, Jen?"
"Hm?" Jensen keeps his eyes on the road, watches two girls smile, heads together on the sidewalk opposite, snickering about something on one of their phones.
"So today on set..."
"Mm?" he says, the safest answer.
Jared hesitates. "Well...I just wanted to say..."
Jensen freezes up. "Yeah?"
"You have really soft lips," Jared says, finally looking straight at him. "It was like kissing a girl."
"You dick," Jensen says, and means it. He thinks for a wild second about collecting a snowball and hurling it at Jared's head, but he's not five and also there’s a thin layer of dirty, brown snow where they are. It's one thing to throw snowballs at the guy you like if they're clean and nice and perfectly made and impressive, but snowballs of low caliber send the opposite message.
Jared flutters his eyelashes. Jensen takes a surprised step back and Jared shoves against him with a hand to his chest until Jensen's shoulders hit the door frame of the shop front they're standing in front of. It's too easy to look up and not answer and Jared keeps his hand on Jensen's chest. Jensen is drunk, dammit.
Jared leans in, so their faces are close, like he's about to tell Jensen a secret. Jensen goes cross-eyed and, cross-eyed, thinks there's this tiny chance Jared's about to kiss him.
Jared leans closer and talks against Jensen's ear, so that Jensen's eyes fall closed to concentrate. "What lip balm do you use? Can I borrow it sometime?"
Jensen's eyes fly open and he shoves Jared away, hard.
Jared stumbles back, grinning. "No, in all seriousness, can I borrow it sometime?"
The taxi gets there like a yellow angel delivering Jensen from awkwardness. "Thank god," he says. "See if I buy you any drinks next time."
"You’re right. Next time it’s my turn," Jared says.
"You don't make any sense," Jensen tells him. "Get in the cab."
"Fine," Jared says, and slides into the back.
He wakes up feeling absolutely fine the next day, which is the first suspicious thing. Lying there in bed with a sheet tangled around one leg and weighed down by a quilted comforter that smells like some deodorant he’d accidentally put in the wash, he can hear a slow hum of traffic and feels an ache in his stomach. Which means lunchtime, probably.
He finally realizes he has to piss, too, too badly to lie there forever. He scootches over on the mattress, ready and preemptively wincing for the pang of a hangover that doesn't come. He feels weak on his feet when he stands, but half of it is sheer relief, and he succeeds at stumbling out into the hall.
The second suspicious thing is that he notices that there's someone else’s shirt on the bathroom floor. After he brushes last night out of his mouth with Crest and a lot of mouthwash, he goes to the top of the stairs to hear clanking, he realizes it smells like-
"Pancakes," Jared calls up.
"Yes/," Jensen says.
"Huh?" Jared asks. He looks exceptionally worse for wear standing in his jeans at the stove, very shirtless.
Jensen thinks about what they discussed last night at the bar. Now is not the time to ask to kiss Jared, but that doesn’t stop Jensen from wanting to.
Jared shakes his head and doesn't look up at him. "I can't even talk right now, I'm going to vomit on your pancake."
"Gross." Jensen comes up to the island and leans on his elbows, watching Jared's back work. He wants to bury his face in Jared's shoulder, and rubs his hand over his face thinking about it.
"Ow. Oil just splattered onto my chest."
Jensen keeps his weeping to nonexistent. "You want something to wear?" he asks instead, and grabs a white t-shirt from the clean laundry in a basket under the table.
"Thanks," Jared says though an armhole, head stuck for a second, then manages to work it out. He gives a pancake a despondent flip before leaning his hip against the counter.
"Hey, let me get that," Jensen tells him, and Jared goes away without argument, Jensen pushing him gently with a hand on his shoulder. "Go sit at the table."
The traffic is quiet outside in the snow. It’s nice to share a quiet moment away from the hectic bustle of set, and expectations Jensen has set for himself.
Jared has his head in his arms when Jensen turns around with plates.
"How are you not dying?" Jared mumbles this into his arms.
"I don’t know."
"That's not good enough," Jared says. "Tell me your secret."
Jensen smiles and pushes coffee Jared’s way. "Eat, for the love of god." He's saturated the pancakes in syrup and there's butter under there, soaked in. Jared takes a grateful mouthful and Jensen takes a bite after a second too, feeling like the butter gods have smiled upon him once again.
Later that afternoon he slides into a really intense lethargy, just as Jared's coming off his headache nausea stint.
"Well, I’m glad you feel better."
"You want to go grab dinner?" Jared asks. He managed to take a shower and now he doesn't look as green-tinted and weak, and it takes Jensen a second to realize how he’s in his nice button down and looks kind of too-casual about asking. This is about yesterday.
Jensen’s stomach swoops. In a perfect world, Jensen would say yes. They'd be dudes who go to dinner together and then take a non-romantic walk through Vancouver and then practice kissing by the river.
"Unfortunately, I can't get off the couch," he says, raising a hand up over the back so Jared can see more than just his feet and the top of his face from the kitchen. "You'll have to either raid my fridge or starve."
"I see," Jared says. There is a lengthy pause before he says, "Are you sure I can't entice you with a steak?"
"It is sadly imperative that I lie here," Jensen tells him. "It's literally all I can do."
He closes his eyes for a millisecond and then opens them to find Jared looking down at him. He can see up Jared’s nose. He thinks about how he has never had a crush like this, not since his freshman year of high school on some guy who used to be his tennis partner.
"Wow," Jared says. "You look like you did that time you had food poisoning."
Jensen picks a couch blanket off the floor and manages to hug it to himself. "I can't imagine life before or after this. I am going to watch South Park and die."
"Good idea." A friend is someone who supports you unconditionally.
Jensen closes his eyes again and drifts to the sound of Jared crashing around in the environs of the kitchen. He fumbles out of his doze to Jared sitting at his feet on the couch with a plate of grilled cheese triangles on the arm.
Jensen moves his feet when Jared sits on one. Jared flips to Netflix and turns on South Park and starts an episode.
"Do you want me to-"
"Nope," Jared says. Jensen takes a triangle and rests his head back on his arm while Jared pats his ankle, like, "Good job."
"Ok," Jensen says again. "Come here, let's just walk through the scene again."
"Right," Jared says.
Jensen nods and stands up a little straighter, ready to get this right. Because it takes believing and actually wanting something to make a change. He read that in a self-help that he may or may not have picked up last week. Well, when he first heard about it. He frowns at the thought.
"Dean," Jared says, and Jensen forces himself to pay attention.
He stands his ground when Jared steps up to him, two long steps, real Sam-like in his body language.
He shuts his eyes, Jared puts a hand on his arm, and says, "You're making the face again."
"What?"
"The face," Jared says. He looks slightly pained when Jensen opens his eyes. "It's your 'I feel supremely awkward, don’t make me do this' face."
"That’s just my face," Jensen says, a dangerous edge to his voice. "It just freaks me out a little."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean, I don't want to kiss anyone who doesn't want me to kiss them. Make yourself presentable, man."
"Ok," Jensen says. "Ok. Normal face. Check. Try again."
This time, when he closes his eyes and feels Jared touch his arm, Jared doesn't stop. Jensen has frantic butterfly feelings in his chest, so it's not like he even feels that embarrassed by them, just a solid sort of doom.
"There," Jared says.
"What?" Jensen asks, cracking one eye.
"There's the look."
"It is seriously my face."
"No it isn’t! I’ve seen your face."
"I don’t know what to tell you." Jensen wants to kiss Jared very badly, so this is totally not on him.
They leave the trailer. Instead of wildly making out like any normal people would make happen, they get dinner with two guys who do props. They have a couple beers. Jensen gets chicken wings and pays up on a wager from when his team lost last week, and then Jared drives him home.
They don't mention not-kissing in Jared's trailer. It is absolutely not a thing. Jared keeps tapping the steering wheel and Jensen tries to bring it up a couple times.
When they pull up to the curb by Jensen’s house, there’s a long pause. But instead of leaning over and planting one on Jared’s mouth, Jensen gets out of the car.
"See ya tomorrow," he says over his shoulder.
It's not until Jensen's rifling through a pile of magazines and Jared's hovering somewhere near the fish tank that Jensen realizes they're alone. The hair is standing up on the back of his neck and he doesn't look Jared's way, just rifles at a measured pace.
Things should never have gotten this awkward. He's not clear on much, but he knows he really wants to kiss Jared, and knows he doesn’t want to do it like this. He wants to drag Jared down with him onto the couch and go at it like teenagers.
"What’re those?"
Jared’s noticed the incest pamphlets.
"Nothing." He shovels them under a GQ. He keeps looking. "Fucking- Coulda sworn-"
But somehow those two times were less nerve-wracking than this moment now. They were fun, no confusing what was going on there, but this is Jared, his coworker-and-favorite-person combo trying and failing to look casual by his minifridge.
Jensen turns on him. "Why are you lurking?"
Jared freezes, his eyes going wide like he’s been caught out. "Uh. Well-"
Jensen has no idea why he's giving Jared a hard time about this. Part of him maybe wants Jared to work for it. He raises an eyebrow.
"Well," Jared says, and squints at Jensen.
There's a loud rap at the door and they both jump.
It's the PA. "Jensen! We've got a couple extra copies of the pages if you want one."
Jensen clears his throat to shout. "Found mine! Be there in a sec!" They wait until she shouts ok and leaves.
"Well,"Jensen says. Jared laughs.
"Oh my god," he says, and drops his head against Jensen's shoulder and Jensen pats him on the back before whacking him with the script and stepping away.
"Get a move on, cowboy. You heard the lady."
Text from; Danneel
10:05PM
I just watched episode 5. Sucks to be you. Ahahahah.
Text from; Chris
10:11PM
Steve and I decided to catch up on the show. That was highly rewarding. Say hey to J.
Text from; Mom
10:25PM
you’re making some very artistic choices jensen. love you mom and dad
They reshoot the kissing scene at the end of the very last day possible before it’s sent to the editing room.
"So," Bob says as they’re taking their marks. "Did you guys practice?"
"Of course," Jared says.
"With tongue," Jensen adds. Jensen nods emphatically.
"You know," Bob tells them. "For actors, you really suck at acting."
"Someone was playing hard to get," Jared says.
Jensen is affronted. "What!"
"Guys," Jeremy says. "Let’s just get this over with."
"We've literally reached the point of despair," Jared says to Jensen.
"Jensen, Dean is expecting it but not expecting Sam to do it in public, in a bar, you get me? Right now you look like a guy who’s waiting for the axe. Dean needs to look around a little more frantically before steeling himself and standing his ground. Maybe close your eyes so you don’t have to watch, if it’s easier. That might go over well."
Jensen does, and Jared does. They kiss and it’s brief and really great. Then, they break apart, and there is a smattering of applause that dies quick when people wander off, because this kiss is apparently old news to everyone but Jensen who can't move his legs, even when Bob mutters, "Good enough."
"Wahoo!" Jared shouts, throwing a fist in the air.
Jensen gives him a hearty pat on the back and Jared grins back and Bob says, "I thought the problem would be getting things past the network! But no. It’s only the two stars who are giving us issues. It's not like we're on a tight schedule or anything-"
"Hey." Jared finds him later that week, sitting next to him when Jensen’s prepped for a scene that’s heavy on the gore. "Here."
He puts a Starbucks cup in front of Jensen.. "You’ve seemed really stressed lately," he says. "Not that I think caffeine will necessarily help that situation, but here. Drink this and chill out."
I love you, Jensen thinks at him and then shoves the cup away. "No," he says. "I don’t want this."
Jared raises his eyebrows. "You don’t want...But I had them put an extra shot in it and everything!"
Jensen sees it clearly now. Things have gotten out of hand. He’s going to take Danneel’s advice. He’s going to sleep with his stunt double.
"Hey, Osric. Question. You're like...you know. In the know."
Osric puts his book down. "What."
"You're like, up on everything." Jensen glances over his shoulder. Eric's nowhere nearby, and Jared's all the way on the other side of the soundstage getting his bangs restraightened or whatever. "You know," Jensen continues, ducking closer. "Gossip-wise."
"Um," says Osric. "Yeah, I guess."
"So like...is Eric..." He trails off. Osric waits for Jensen to continue, obviously not getting it. Jensen has spent so much of his life not saying gay out loud he forgets how to talk about it at this critical moment, and Osric looks more apprehensive the longer Jensen stands there. Jensen is a grown man. He tries to remember this as he leans in and mutters, "Into dudes?"
"Oh," says Osric. "I think he probably is."
"Probably?" Jensen didn't get dressed and out of his trailer for 'probably.' "Come on, big O. You know everything!"
"That's very flattering, but I thought you meant real gossip. I couldn't tell you for sure."
"Well, can you find out?"
Osric holds up his hands. "Hey, chill. I didn't say I couldn't."
"Great," Jensen says. He takes a deep breath. "That's great, thanks." It's totally going to work out-
"Wait." Osric puts his smoothie down. "What's in it for me?"
Jensen rolls his eyes. Figures. "This isn't a bribe situation."
"Oh, really?" Osric looks unimpressed.
Jensen folds. "Fine, what do you want?"
"Genevieve's phone number." He says it with no hesitation.
Jensen stares at him. Osric raises his eyebrows.
"I 'm not a creep. I swear."
"Right."
"I just want to text her and-"
"Dude, I'm not giving you some girl's number." There are lines one does not cross, Jensen thinks, and this is probably one of them.
"She and I are totally friends. We met at dinner that one time." Osric makes his eyes big. "Come on, man. It's not weird. I can totally find out whether Eric’s into guys so you can have your weirdly self-centered thing, no judgment. I want to help you out."
Jensen takes Eric to O’Malley’s, even though it’s Friday, and Jensen knows Jared and the guys might be getting drinks. He puts his phone on silent and remembers that this is his life. Sometimes you have to do something for yourself.
The date is not anywhere near uncomfortable. Eric is just as cool offset as he is on, and, if it didn't feel so much like cheating on Jared, Jensen would be having an excellent time.
"And then I fucking flip over the wall into the shark tank," Eric says. He’s miming it with a fry representing himself and the basket holding the rest of the fries as the pool. And then I’m surrounded by great whites."
"What'd you do?"
"I got the heck out of there is what I did," he says. "I may take certain risks, but that is the last time I risk my life around live animals. That was too close. I almost lost my leg!"
"You know," Jensen says. "Something like that happened to Jared, too, once. Except it was the penguin tank at the zoo. He's like four left feet and no sense of balance. Comes from being tall."
"Jared’s rad," says Eric, which makes Jensen warm to him. "I’d love to work with him more. Patrick always goes on about how great he is." Patrick is Jared’s stunt double, and to be honest, seeing him always makes Jensen uneasy. You can only try to sneak up on the wrong person so many times before you begin resenting their existence.
"Yeah, Jared’s said good things about Patrick," he says instead.
"Hey, so is Jared seeing someone?"
Jensen fumbles his drink and Eric rights it - quick reflexes - and for a second he thinks Eric is onto him. But then Eric continues.
"What do you think my chances are? I mean, I don’t know him that well, I just think he’s super hot."
Jensen suddenly gets it. "Oh. Oh. No way."
Eric shrugs. "Fair enough. Not like Jared'd even notice me anyway."
"Serious?"
"Well, yeah, man. I got eyes. I know where his interests lie."
Jensen’s not really listening, though. "You know, that's kind of a dick move."
"Huh?"
"Talking about some other guy on a date." It’s kind of a kick to Jensen’s pride. It really smarts actually. Nevermind that he was just looking to hook up.
Eric's eyes widen and he takes long enough to respond that Jensen starts to feel stupid. "Wait, hold up, this is a date?"
Jensen swigs from his beer. "I mean, I get it. God knows I get it. But you could've just said no when I asked-"
"Wait," Eric says. "You get it? As in- You and Jared-"
"Yeah, ok? Yes. But I’m moving on." Jensen feels somehow very wholesome pointing this out.
"Well," Eric says. "If this is your idea of a date, it's no wonder he’s not won over."
Jensen points at him with his fry. "I'll have you know, Jared's ideal date, as he explained it to me himself over shitty pink cherry bomb cocktails, is at a dive bar just like this one."
"So you took me on another guy's date is what you're saying." Eric raises an eyebrow. "I have no words."
"Sorry."
"It’s all right. I have a bad history with first dates anyway. Patrick was the shark tank date."
It takes Jensen a second, and when he gets it, his mind boggles. "Wait, that was a date? I thought that was for a movie or something. And wait. Patrick-Patrick? You were dating the other stunt double?" This is absolutely priceless.
"Yeah, that was him." Eric smiles at the table, then looks back at Jensen. "It didn’t work out with us. But that’s ok."
It’s like staring into a mirror. Jensen sighs and sits back, rubbing a hand over his jaw. "You going to keep trying?"
"I don’t know. Probably not. But it’s been so bad between us these last couple months. It’s like, I work with him every day, right? We dodge bullets and jump off of buildings together, but I miss him all the damn time."
"Man up," Jensen tells Eric, his voice rougher than he intended it to be. "One of you has to."
"Maybe you should take your own advice," Eric says.
That night he goes home alone and lets himself get shitfaced in front of Madden. He wakes up drooling on his phone with the controller wrapped around one foot.
"Shit," he says, wiping the phone on his pants, quick, like it hasn't been soaked in drool for the last hour and this is a quick save.
He jumps up to get a paper towel but trips over his own feet, pulling the remote out of the PS2 and falling hard to one knee.
"Fuck," he says to his empty house. He lets his head thunk softly onto the rug. He pulls the phone to his chest, and clicks to see if it still works, which it does. There are eight text message notifications and a missed call, but he holds the phone to his chest and stares at the dark ceiling.
"Fuck," he says again, the dream he was just having coming back to him in fragments. In it he’d shoved a shirtless Jared into a birthday cake and then licked the frosting from his sides. "Fuck my life."
He's still drunk. He falls asleep like that, tugging the blanket from the couch and dragging it over himself before passing out.
He thinks to himself, it’s just a handjob. This is what his life has become.
"God," Jensen says to the ceiling, the script falling to the floor of his trailer.
There’s a knock and Jared comes in. "Ready?"
The sight of him is too much. Jared looks so familiar and just really great. Jensen absolutely failed at sleeping with a really cool guy and the conversation only stuck him further in the sick place between want and reality. Seeing Jared now with his dimples and his hair is too much.
"Man, where were you last night?" he asks. "I tried your phone."
Jensen shoves down the feeling like he's about to be caught. Jared isn't his mom or anything, and he's definitely not his boyfriend.
He puts a pen in his pocket and finds his sunglasses. "On a date."
Jared laughs until Jensen turns and raises an eyebrow.
"Oh," Jared says, cutting off. "Oh, dude. I didn’t realize." He smiles and grips Jensen by the shoulder. "You know what? Good for you."
It’s obvious he wants to ask more, but Jensen doesn’t elaborate. He wishes he hadn’t said anything, and curbs further conversation by tossing Jared the jacket he’d left there the day before.
"Let’s go. We’re late."
Eric finds him when they’re setting up for the scene. "Jensen."
"Hey," Jensen says. He’s happy to see him, not at all awkward.
Eric smiles. "I had a really great time last night. Thanks again. I hadn’t been out in a while. Let’s do it again sometime."
"Yeah," Jensen says. "Me, too." And it’s totally true. He feels like they’re really tight, or something, like he’s made a new friend.
When he turns, Jared's already in the Impala, drinking out of a water bottle and looking kind of uncomfortable. Jensen climbs in next to him.
"You ready for road hand?"
Jared doesn't even answer.
"Come on, that was genius."
"Ha ha," Jared says.
It's kind of satisfying that he's pissed, just a little. Jensen refuses to feel guilty. He shakes his head and looks out at the crew, and then looks back. Jared lets one leg fall against the passenger-side door. Jensen gives it a sidelong glance. Jared’s hand settles near his crotch. It should be skeevy but it only makes Jensen kind of yearn to lean over and put his mouth on his neck.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and Jensen raises an eyebrow at Jared’s wayward hand before pulling it out. He pauses upon seeing the name on the message, but opens it anyway. Just like ripping off a band aid.
Text from; Genevieve
Jensen darling! I was going to give you shit for giving out my phone number, but turns out Osric gives amazing head. You’re forgiven xoxoxo
As Jensen stares at his phone, Bob calls, "Jensen, you ready?"
He pockets his phone.
"Look," Bob tells them, leaning in through the open door. "Sam and Dean are driving through middle of America. It's a sunny day out. The sky is blue, music’s on and cornstalks are swaying. Fields stretch off into god knows where. It's a rare moment of solitude in the rest of the season. They haven’t been talking much since that blowjob last episode. It’s all avoidance and stolen glances. Then this is the big scene where they’re back on equal footing. The dynamic reasserts itself. Sam is sulky, bugging Dean, who finally gives him what he wants, as always."
"All right," Jensen says. "So, I'm just going to reach over?"
Jared cuts in. "No, I get all hot and bothered first."
He looks at Jared, "Yeah, after that I mean."
"Yeah," Jared says.
Jensen stares at him until Jared nods and says, "Ok" and drags his seatbelt over himself.
Jensen closes his door and drapes an arm over the wheel. The driving screen is running a cornfield backdrop past them, and the car sways just that little bit. Jensen grips his hands on the wheel, slack and at the 10-2 position.
Next to him, Jared splays out a little more and gets Sam emo, more withdrawn and focused and full of furtive intent. Jensen pretends to drive, eyes fixed on the supposed road ahead.
"So that was something back there, huh?" Dean glances over and Sam, who’s staring out the window. "We weren't half bad, huh? I mean, us, as a team. It's good. Things are, uh. Good, right?"
"Yeah, Dean, things are fine."
Sam sounds tight around the edges.
"Good," Dean says. "Yeah, that's real good. And if there's anything, well, nothing a few miles of road can't fix, am I right?"
"Yeah whatever." It's quiet for a long ten seconds and then Sam stretches out his legs a little more, until his feet are as far in the footwell as they can get. His legs fall open into a wide V, real obvious-like, and Dean flickers his eyes over, looks quickly back to the road, flickers his eyes over for longer and then back to the road, swallowing.
"Just, ah," he says while Jared, in his peripheral vision, rubs his hand up and down his leg a few times, from his knee to his inner thigh, a few times. Jensen clears his throat and says, "Just put it behind us." Just as Jared slides a hand up to cup his junk.
"Mmm?" Jared asks. It's a quiet moaning sound and Jensen thinks that it sounds pretty real, but Jared is a great actor and he's never afraid of just going for it.
It's quiet for a long time after that. When Jared moans again, Jensen says, "Sam."
It comes out just as broken as he'd expect it to. He keeps his eyes on the road but reaches a hand over and feels his way to Jared's lap. He touches the top of Jared’s hand, the soft skin there and he wants to grab Jared's hand and shove both of their hands down the front of his jeans. Jared grips the door while Jensen fumbles for his button.
And Jared...Jared left the button undone for him. Because obviously it would be easier for the take. The idea of Jared leaving his button undone for Jensen's ease of access goes right to Jensen's dick. Jensen fumbles frantically and shoves his hand inside.
He knows he’s not really supposed to fist Jared’s dick through the fabric of his boxer briefs and jerk him off quick and unforgiving, but he wants to.
Jensen stares out the windshield, arm working, hand pushing and moving inside the front of Jared's pants like something's happening. He glances aside a few times, letting his mouth part a little. Jared, meanwhile, is shifting in the seat, gripping the door and moving restlessly, his legs shifting wider and his head tipping back.
"Jesus Christ, Dean," he groans. "Jesus, yeah."
He slings an arm across the back of the seat and slides down a little more. Lounging out for Jensen to touch. And when his palm brushes Jared’s cock. Jared hisses.
Jensen's left hand is clenched knuckle-white on the wheel and his other hand is getting tired from the mere fifteen seconds of waving it around in tiny motions in Jared's jeans. What makes it even harder is Jared is hard. It shouldn't be a surprise. Jared's doing a fantastic job of being the recipient of a fake hand job, knuckles brushing the back of Jensen's neck at intervals, so much so that Jensen's worried he's going to come in his own pants if Jared doesn't cut it out soon.
"Yeah," Jensen says, in his most gravelly voice. "You gonna last for me? I've got all afternoon. Nowhere to be, no one out here knows you're my brother. All they see is two guys having a good time in a sweet-ass car on the highway We've got till Cincinnati" And on ‘Cincinnati,’ Jared fake comes, gripping the spot between Jensen's neck and shoulder, hard.
Jensen tries not to notice how Jared's dick actually twitches against his hand, and pulls his hand away to wipe it on the front of Sam’s jeans.
"Ew, gross, Dean," Jared says, whiny little brother tone set to go, and Jensen grins and turns up the music.
They end scene and Bob comes up to rap on the window with a big grin on his face.
"Nice work!"
"I'm going to go take a cold shower," Jared says. It should sound like a joke but there’s something off about the tone, and sure enough, when Jensen turns back to him, Jared is disappearing out of the sound stage door.
Jensen goes to talk to Bob and leans over his shoulder to watch the playback.
Then suddenly it clicks. Jared is jealous. What makes it even worse, is that Jensen feels like he’s known it for a long time, now.
Jared shakes his head before Jensen opens his mouth. "You don't have to say anything."
"I want to," Jensen says. Then, for good measure, "Jerk."
Rain is soaking up the backs of Jensen's jeans. His knees ache with the weather, dark clouds crowding each other. Jared has a waiting expression, unimpressed, and Jensen thinks, it’s now or never.
"So you’re upset," he says. He feels overly fond especially as Jared’s so visibly annoyed.
In fact, when Jensen glances his way he sees that Jared looks kind of miserable, his hair plastered to his face with rain. Jensen wants to kiss him, for real this time, with no one around to see. He’s going to do it. He’s going to reach out and drag Jared down into the kiss of his life.
"Jensen," Jared says when Jensen takes a step in.
Behind them, someone calls, "Jensen! Jared!"
Jared actually jumps and Jensen steps back so innocently he has his phone out to check his missed calls in half a second flat.
Jeremy reaches them, looking pleased. "Guys, glad I caught you! Guess who has no Emmy to-date, but’s been nominated for an MTV Television Award this year for Best Kiss?"
Jensen takes another half step away from Jared. Nothing to see here. "You serious?"
"Hell yes, I'm serious. We just got the call. Best Kiss 2014!"
It’s great news. The irony, however, is somewhat devastating. Jensen's smile feels like it's tacked on and Jared's doesn't look much better.
"Well," Jensen says. "That's great!"
"Yeah," Jared says. He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets. "Real great. Go team."
Jeremy pumps his fist. "Good work. Well, you guys have a good weekend, you hear?"
Jensen nods, gives a perfunctory wave. "Yeah, you too. You're going out to Alta Lake, right? Give those fish some hell for me."
They watch him walk away, until he's just a speck on the parking lot horizon.
"Jensen," Jared says. "I’m sorry."
"About what?"
"It’s been super awkward, and I’ve been like, letting it happen.I see how uncomfortable I’ve been making you," Jared says. "And it hasn’t been fair to you."
Jared is letting him down easy. This is what it is.
Jared continues quickly, "It doesn't have to get in the way of the show. Like, things don't have to be messed up, right?"
Jensen shrugs. "Yeah, dude. Just…forget about it, ok? It doesn't make me feel weird or anything. Like, on set or whatever."
Jared nods. "I’m sorry."
"Dude, really," Jensen says. "Don’t apologize. Don’t ever do that. This is on me. It’s just- You're my best friend." It rolls of his tongue awkwardly.
Jared looks heartbroken, kind of desperate. He says, "Yeah, of course. Jesus, Jensen."
Suddenly, Jensen needs to get out of here.
But he doesn’t have a car. They’re waiting for Clif. He could leave now, and call a cab.
There's a splashing of footsteps. Jared looks past his shoulder and Jensen turns. It’s Clif. Jensen wants to chase him down, but he limits this to a brisk walk.
"Jensen," Clif says when they meet in a puddle. He looks past Jensen's shoulder and then looks Jensen over. "Everything all right?"
"I'm going to ask you a favor," Jensen says in a quick, low tone. "And you have to say yes."
Clif looks considering. "Ontario-favor? Because you can catch a plane this time, my friend."
"No, not like Ontario," Jensen says, exasperated and hurried. "I'm going to ask you to take your car and I swear I will return it in a couple of hours, I just need to go. Now. Alone."
"Uh."
"Next three dinners on me and a bottle of scotch," Jensen says, and wedges the keys out from Clif's loose fist.
"Uh, ok," Clif says. "You all right?"
"Thanks," Jensen calls over his shoulder. "Really."
"Oh. Hey there, Jared," he hears Clif saying as he sprints away.
Jensen doesn’t know where he’s driving. He doesn’t have to. He’s clearing his head.
Alternatively, he’s a grown-ass man and he’s running from his problems. For the first time in his career, he thinks seriously about quitting and living out the rest of his life in a cabin somewhere, occasionally emerging on weekends or bimonthly to buy food at the local farmer’s market and just generally keeping out of contact with anyone he’s ever met.
He feels shaky, and then realizes it’s the car itself that’s shaking.
"Shit," he says. "Shit."
This isn’t his car. He pulls to a stop along the shoulder, gravel crunching. He gets out and walks a circle around it. Some of the wheel nuts have broken off.
"God dammit."
He calls a tow company and they say it will be at least an hour. It’s raining and there are panoply small collisions all over the city.
Jensen grabs the wet handle, opens the door again and slides into the driver’s seat to wait. He didn’t know where he was heading, anyway.
He sits there so long the car begins to feel like a fishbowl. Rain is dripping down the dash slow and all he can see is the murky green blur of the evergreens that line the highway. While he waits for the tow truck, he tweets about it.
Tweet from; @jarpad
Side of the road. Nuts fell off.
This is immediately retweeted by at least 100 of Jared’s followers. Then, with a calm clarity, he texts Genevieve:
Text to; Genevieve
2:18pm
Tried to make a move on Jared. Stupid idea.
It’s all Jensen’s fault. Jensen put himself here, breathing the damp air puffed out by the car heater and tracing back where he went wrong.
When a car pulls up behind his, it’s not the tow truck. Jensen rolls down the window and sticks his head out into the drizzle in time to see Jared jump out of the driver’s side.
"Hi," Jensen says.
"Can I get in?"
"Sure."
Jared walks around to the passenger’s side and gets in. He slams the door behind them and they sit in companionable silence until Jensen confesses.
"I killed the car."
"Yeah," Jared says. "I saw. And you tweeted about it. Made it look like I didn’t know the first thing about cars."
"Oh right. Tell me you could fix that."
"I could sue you for slander."
"Not my fault you leave yourself logged in on my phone. How’d you find me?"
"The location on the tweet you sent."
Jensen nods. A truck passes outside, at slow, rain speeds, and Jared reclines his chair a bit. Jensen moves his seat back and closes his eyes. Other than the unspoken tension from before, it feels very normal to be broken down on the side of the road together.
"Jensen," Jared says, after a long few minutes.
"No." Jensen shakes his head. "It’s not important. We can just move on, forget it happened."
"Jensen-"
Jensen raises his hand to interrupt.
"So," Jared says. "I talked to Eric after you left."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." Jared’s laugh is rueful. "He told me you helped him out, got him back together with my stunt double."
"That," Jensen says. "Was an accident."
Jared leans across the the gearstick very deliberately kisses him. It’s good and firm, and it lasts all of a second before he’s pulling away again, way too soon.
"You make me feel like a goddamned teenager, Jensen. It's been 9 years and I can't stop sweating around you."
"Ever the romantic," Jensen manages.
"I never pretended- "
The cut off noise Jared makes when Jensen kisses him is deeply satisfying on a spiritual level. Jensen kisses him again and twists in his seat and leaning over the center console to get up in Jared’s space.
Kissing Jared now is private, and quiet, and Jensen winds his fingers through Jared’s hair and tugs. Jared tightens his grip on Jensen’s shoulder, fingers flexing.
"I haven't been acting," Jared pulls away to say.
Jensen blinks. "Well, that’s frankly untrue."
"No, I’m saying, I figured it out. It's what’s wrong with the kiss scene. It’s not a movie kiss, it’s a … hey, it’s Thursday, kiss."
Jensen smiles. "Yeah, it was pretty bad, wasn’t it."
The rain picks up. Jensen gets his mouth on Jared’s again, heart thudding in his head, noses brushing. The center compartment is hard between them and the third time Jared knocks an elbow against it he laughs and says, "I feel like we’re in some chaste, above-the-belt situation."
"Let’s leave the roadhand to the professionals," says Jensen. Jared grins.
They’re interrupted by the tow truck clunking to a stop behind them.
"Yep, looks like it’s the wheel nuts," the mechanic tells them when they’ve gotten out to meet him. The guy kicks the left front tire and nods. "Tire could have flung right off. It’s sure a good thing one of you was driving with the parking brake on. Otherwise you might never have stopped."
"It was him," Jared says, then looks at Jensen. "Driving with the parking brake on."
"Selling me out?"
His phone vibrates.
Text from; Genevieve
5:02pm
You’re welcome.
"It’s nothing. I mean, it’s Genevieve. I texted her."
"Yeah, she's the one who told me to follow you. Hey." Jared is smiling at him kind of sidelong, and Jensen doesn’t trust it. "You wanna go to the awards show with me?"
"What, like your date?"
"Uh, duh. That’s what I mean."
Jensen raises his eyebrows. "Dude, that’s like two months away. And we always go together." He thinks about it. "Hey! Is this a cop out?"
Jared slings an arm across his shoulders and drags him to the tow truck. "Oh come on," he says. "I hear we have amazing chemistry."
The limo pulls up to the MTV Television Awards at seven. Jensen steps onto the red carpet in a tux. He looks back over his shoulder to see what the fuss is all about, why the crowd is going insane, and sees that Jared’s just ducked out of the limo from behind him. Jensen thinks about swooning, too.
When Jared comes up next to him, he touches Jensen's elbow and then flings an arm around his shoulders, they walk like that, Jensen raising a hand to wave to cameras. He cannot keep the grin off his face, not even if tries.
Their category is called up and clips shown of each of the contenders. Jensen watches a three second clip of a sweeping kiss. And then it’s over and when Game of Thrones wins, all the tension goes out of Jensen's shoulders for the first time all night.
"Well, we didn't win," Jeremy says at the bar.
Jared shrugs. "At least Jensen got mentioned in the speech."
"Inexplicable," Jeremy says, and asks for another gin.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau nods to Jensen as they pass, and Jensen nods back.
It's springtime. Season 9 has come to a close and they're at an event with all their coworkers. And Jared is his date. Of course he is.
Text to; Danneel
9:12PM
SCORE!
These things take time.
_____
extra - TWITTER REACTION POST