the positives to my day.

#1. my brother is not a klan member... that makes me a step ahead of some people. (a.k.a. brian the grand master dragon)

#2. i am not a klan member much to your surprises (i am certain)

#3. i have a car that starts

p.s. these are the reasons that i am in a better place than ashley who works at apes...

 i'm actually kind of proud of myself. hahahahaha. someone explain to me why i feel so ridiculous saying that. probably because we've been taught that pride and selfishness are wrong. that pride makes us "of bad people". i think though, that even though i've lost my love of humanity, i've truly for the first time found a love for individuals. and a ( Read more... )

tonight is stephy's candlight vigil ( Read more... )

i saw my darling friend, julie for a short time. not long enough to feel appeased, but long enough to know that i at least still have the energy to keep seeing people. i am worried about the death of julie and i. i don't know if we have the energy for each other. and i am deeply saddened at the idea of losing her friendship. so of course i don't ( Read more... )

i was going to stop by ryan's house wednesday around 11 45 but it was so late i didn't want to wake him. i couldn't stomach being selfish. not with everything the world had shared with me... so i let him be. im sure he'll appreciate it, but i had really wanted to see him. it's b/c i keep driving past his damn house. it's on the way to everywhere ( Read more... )

i believe we have overdefined everything.
by doing this i believe we have destroyed the only really pretty thing about humanity as a whole.

( to fade from self hatred )

i want to justifiably hate myself (how's this for self destructive and boring in all the worst ways?)
i guess it is justified. but it wasn't through a conscience action. i wish i hated myself because i was intentionally awful... not just a person filled with misplaced things.

i think i am misplaced in your life.
yes yours, you foolish ass, always ( Read more... )

i will be making this post later.
my computer keeps resarting and i will scream if i have to try again right now.

i am treading impossible waters, my attempts as self explanation are puerile and prosaic ( Read more... )

i feel like i am fighting an ongoing losing battle(in a not so cliche or realistic sense) every night. i re-enact this loss of hope. then in the morning i bring it back just so i may lose it again by nightfall. it's like going from 6 to 80 every 24 hours. how the time can go by, unnoticed, unappreciated, undesired. i jump to suspicion and anger so ( Read more... )