The other night I had a dream that I was with some rando lady, and we were going to eat an infant for dinner. It was in shrink wrapped plastic, just like chicken or pork chops are, only it was a dead infant. We removed it from the bag and slabbed it down on some butcher block. "THUMP!" Then my nephew, Dennis, and his son, Benny, showed up. ( Read more... )

A few weeks back I was dogsitting for some rich people in Princeton. They have three labs, and whenever someone comes in the house they get very excited. They come running up, and bark, and sniff your crotch, and wag their tails, and one of them jumps on you. It's intense and wild, but lots of dogs do this, and they get over it. For some reason ( Read more... )

- I bought this bag of like, twenty clementines at the store on Monday, and I'm so pissed, because they are all next to impossible to peel, and there is literally no way to get the peel off without crushing and mangling all the fruit inside and getting juice fucking EVERYWHERE!!! Plus, are you ready for this? THERE ARE SEEDS IN THEM. By the time ( Read more... )

I have weird feelings about this year, as I'm sure a lot of people do. As a whole, this hasn't been an awesome year. Some good people died, and Trump got elected prezzy, which both obviously really suck. But when I look back on it for me, personally, it was actually a pretty good year. Mark and I bought a house, and we went on three trips, all ( Read more... )

I'm here today to raise awareness about a thing that is very real. This is no type of laughing matter, and it never will be. This is 100% serious, and something we need to be very careful of. I am talking about The Curse of John and Peter's, people. It is very real curse that effects the people of Lambertville, and it's very important to ( Read more... )

( Read more... )

I'm going to write about last weekend while I drink this cup of disgusting black Folger's here at work and attempt to feel like a human, just because kind of a lot of stuff happened ( Read more... )

NO SWIMMING

Sit down for a film
By the light of the moon
Put down a toddler
By the dang lagoon
In the Magic Kingdom
The safest of spots
You don't read the signs
You don't watch your tots
Watch the magic
Light up on the screen
Perfect in Disney
Your family dream

OH NO
OH NO GET DAD
OH NO
OH NO IT'S BADWHERE'S THE BOY ( Read more... )

Last weekend I petsat the worst dog I have ever met in my life. He belongs to my friend Vince, who is very obsessed with Pearl Jam. He easily had like, fifteen or more Pearl Jam posters in his place, as well as framed and signed Pearl Jam tickets, and framed pictures of Pearl Jam, and also, on the table were a pair of tickets for an upcoming ( Read more... )

I know I should probably put this on Facebook, where tons of people will see it, but I like Livejournal so much better than Facebook, so here ( Read more... )