Kamen /// Fifth Feeling: Missing
banner by naomi0211
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings...
How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
First of all, I am sorry I didn't reply to any of your comments for the last chapter yet. But I figured you would appreaciate it a lot more if I posted this first, before I take my time to replay.
I will do it within these next few days, promise!!!
Secondly, I guess, I had a chapter titled as Missing in Fade into the Background already. But it's an important feeling, I had to use it XD
Thirdly, I am sorry it's containing NC-17 again. This time you can blame Kazuya.
And lastly, don't hate me, I love them both, really. And you guys. I am sorry, I hope you'll read it, even though it's so angsty again v.v
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Second Feeling: Desire
Third Feeling: Deceit
Fourth Feeling: Abandonment
Fifth Feeling: Missing
Missing was not even nearly the right word to describe his feelings.
He missed him, his sheer presence, his voice, his smell, his skin; everything about him. It was nearly unbearable to be without him.
In the evenings he’d lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling that empty space next to him growing and growing. He’d turn from one side to the other, thinking about the other one, whether he’d be just as lonely as he was, remembering his voice, his smell, his skin. And he would miss him just even more.
When he’d wake up in the mornings, he’d feel like he had just slept for a few minutes, and definitely, he lacked a lot of sleep already. He’d wake up before the alarm would go off, because there was no one next to him to embrace, to turn to and cuddle up to.
He would open his eyes, stare at the ceiling and would think about the other one, would remember his smile in the morning, his taste, gentle kisses, lazy touches. And he would miss him just even more.
That was unbearable and made his heart sting in pain, made him want to turn back the time and bring everything between them back to normal.
But that was impossible. Only the thought of what had happened dashed him back to reality, made all those sweet memories look unreal, gave a bitter taste to them.
It was still hard to even just imagine Kazuya had kissed someone else.
Jin stared out of the window in his kitchen, lost in his thoughts. This morning was off, so he had had time to sleep long and have a real breakfast, not the usual quick one. He had made coffee, had some toast and he had tried to make some scrambled eggs, but they didn’t taste half as good as those Kazuya made.
Jin sighed.
No matter what, Kazuya would always return to his thoughts; everything reminded him of the younger one and it was painful to do the most plainly things, like cooking, doing the wash up, even just showering.
Everything would put images into Jin’s head of how he had done those things with Kazuya.
It had been two weeks by now, and Jin was not nearly over it. After all, he had loved Kazuya with all his heart and being betrayed like that was hard to overcome. What was even harder to overcome, though, was to acknowledge that he still wanted Kazuya back.
In his heart he wanted to forget about everything and just get back to where they had been, but there was that part of him that couldn’t.
That couldn’t forget and forgive.
Kazuya hadn’t reacted to any of his mails and texts messages at all. Jin had asked him to come over and get his things, take his key back and give Jin back his.
But Kazuya hadn’t answered.
At work they mostly ignored each other. They couldn’t possibly let anyone know, but it was obvious something between them was off.
That was, what concerned Jin the most; he was afraid the others would find out something more than friendship had ever been between them.
This way, they had always been able to claim they were just good friends. But good friends didn’t fight like that; didn’t ignore each other for so long.
Bringing his dishes to the sink, Jin thought about what to do. He’d have to seriously talk to Kazuya about that. He had to make sure Kazuya would understand as well, that this was not just about them, but also about their jobs.
Kazuya had to understand that.
The problem was Kazuya was not listening to him at all.
He was watching Jin, steadily. Jin had always known when Kazuya’s eyes had been on him, so he noticed without actually seeing the younger one looking at him.
That feeling of staring eyes, of lingering looks, frustrated gazes; Jin noticed them all and they made him feel uneasy.
Kazuya knew exactly what made Jin go weak, insane even, that he didn’t like being stared at like that. That was why the younger one did it; he tried to get Jin’s attention by all means.
But Jin didn’t give him that satisfaction. He mostly ignored those looks, and when they would meet, when his gaze would lock on Kazuya’s he wouldn’t let him see any emotion, other than cold rejection.
Kazuya didn’t let anyone else see, but Jin knew he was feeling worse than he acted.
Even in front of Jin he pretended to be alright. They ignored each other, were cold with each other, but to everyone else Kazuya managed to maintain that mask of complete happiness. As if nothing had ever happened to him.
Jin managed to maintain his mask as well, but his wasn’t as difficult to maintain as Kazuya’s, since he had never been the happy type.
Jin turned off the water and looked at the foam in front of him, covering the pottery in the sink.
Water was dripping from his fingers to the floor, but he didn’t notice, he just once again got lost in his thoughts and memories.
He really had to do something about it.
He wasn’t fully awake when he noticed strong arms winding around his waist, pulling his back close to the other one’s chest and a sweet kiss being placed to his neck. Warm breath lingered over his skin, made him nuzzle closer and find the hand at his chest to tangle their fingers.
The other hand was reaching down, playfully tugging the waistline of his boxers, before it slid beneath the fabric of the shirt, stroking his skin.
He turned in those arms, titled his head and murmured soft words of affection and agreement. Begging for more, begging to love him.
Licking his lips he enjoyed the wet trace the other one’s lips left over his neck and collar, enjoyed how he held his waist, laid all his concentration into kissing the skin beneath his mouth.
They shifted until the taller one topped him, looked down on him; then he leaned in and they looked into each others eyes, lips just inches apart.
He held his wrists down, didn’t move the slightest bit as the one beneath him arched, wanted to finally press their lips together.
His eyes smiled at him.
“Just kiss me, finally, Jin”, Kazuya groaned, arching again.
“Jin.” Kazuya’s eyes flew open and he moaned, rolling to his back to stare at the ceiling. In pain, he closed his eyes, but all those pictures came back, all those memories of how Jin had held him, kissed him, touched him.
Struggling to get out of his messed up sheets, Kazuya left the bed and stumbled over his own feet, as the door bell rang.
He just quickly gazed at the mirror, but didn’t care. No stranger would come to see him, since only friends and family were allowed to get up to his apartment.
Still hooked up in that dream, he sighed as he made his way to the entrance and quickly getting into his slippers he opened the door.
He looked overly cute, Jin thought as he saw Kazuya. His cheeks were lightly blushed, the look dazed. His hair was messy, he just wore boxers and the shirt Jin had bought in America, but at some time just given to Kazuya, since he liked to sleep in it. It said I am a real man.
Jin knew it too well, and considering Kazuya had just gotten out of bed he knew exactly what that look meant; he had seen it way too often.
Kazuya had dreamt.
The urge to smile faded, as he thought about the younger one had probably not involved Jin into that dream, but someone else.
“Jin”, Kazuya said now, staring at him. Hope was flickering in his eyes.
“Don’t get it wrong”, Jin turned it down and held up a bag in his hand. “I brought your things.”
Kazuya remained staring at him. “I don’t want them.”
“They are yours; I have no need for them.” Jin held his hand out, for Kazuya to take the bag.
The younger one shook his head, took a step back. “What’s that about, Jin?”
Jin put the bag to the door frame. “I’m bringing your things.” He took the key out of his pocket and held it up. “This, too.”
“It’s yours”, Kazuya said. “I’ve let them make that one only for you.”
Jin looked at Kazuya now, saw all the arousal in his look was gone; replaced by hurt. “I don’t need it anymore.”
“I said I’m sorry, Jin. I said I still love you”, the brunette murmured and directly looked at Jin. “Why do you want to torture me even more with this? Why do you want to make me suffer even more?”
It almost made him give up his defense, Jin realized. To only see Kazuya like that, to see he was that hurting, to hear those words. Jin wanted to get in and just pull Kazuya close, hold him, kiss him, touch him.
The urge was huge, but Jin knew that wasn’t an option. It wouldn’t solve any problem. “I won’t ask you to get my things together right away, I can get them some other day, or you’ll just bring them over.” Jin avoided looking at him. “I just want the key back, now.”
“Jin, can’t we just…”
“No, Kazuya”, Jin answered and looked coldly at him. “We broke up; it’s over and nothing you could say can change my mind.”
Kazuya looked at him, seemingly already used to that feeling; he looked more tired now. “How about your heart then?”, he asked and came a step closer. “You can’t just stop loving someone, because you tell your mind to.”
Jin didn’t answer that. He knew that pretty well himself. “I don’t have much time, Kazuya. So, just give me the key and I’ll be leaving.”
“So, you’ll stay if I don’t give it back?”
“Stop that, Kazuya”, Jin just growled. “It’s pathetic.”
Kazuya just sighed and leaned against the door. “I won’t give it back.”
Jin looked at him for a moment, then he got into the apartment, knowing Kazuya’s keys were at the small table in the living room. He always put them there.
Kazuya just raised a brow, before he closed the door and followed Jin who was already checking the key chain.
“Where is it?”
“Didn’t you ever notice I don’t carry it at that one, Jin?”, Kazuya just asked.
“I probably didn’t care as much as you thought I did”, Jin just answered and put it back. “Where is it?”
It hurt, but Kazuya kept his control. “I don’t know.”
Turning his head, Jin sighed. “You make me mad.”
“I know.”
“I won’t do it, Kazuya”, Jin said then and threw him a look. “Stop playing games.”
Kazuya turned and shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not playing anything.”
“Kazuya…”
“I’m getting dressed.” The younger one got over to the door to his bed room. “Leave if you want to. You can take with you whatever you want.”
Jin looked at him for a moment and tried to gain back his self-control, but Kazuya’s stubbornness had the same effect on him as usual.
He just made him mad.
Within a few steps, he was behind Kazuya and gripped his wrist; holding him back.
Kazuya just smiled, but changed his expression into an annoyed one, as Jin turned him around, a bit too harsh, though, since he nearly bumped into the older one.
“You really make me mad, Kazuya”, he hissed. “Stop it.”
Kazuya moved his head to get his hair out of his view and looked into Jin’s eyes, provoking. “Make me.”
Their faces close, their chests touching, Jin felt his self-control slip completely off of his hold. Beneath his fingers at Kazuya’s wrist, he felt the younger one’s pulse hammering.
Their lips were just inches apart; Kazuya saw Jin’s look flickering to his, for a second only, though. Then they stared at each other again.
“Make me, Jin”, Kazuya repeated, gentler this time.
Gaining all of his strength, Jin broke their eye contact and drew back.
“This is not what I came here for”, he just said and stepped back. “Give the key back, next time we meet, Kazuya.”
Kazuya felt his entire body getting numb as Jin walked out on him. He stared at the door, heard Jin leaving through the front entrance.
Only managing to lean against the wall behind him, Kazuya took a deep breath and closed his eyes, before he got over to the small table and picked up his walled which was lying next to his keys.
He opened the middle case and got out the key attached to the love charm.
Looking at it, he decided that one would remain his. He wouldn’t give that last piece to be part of Jin’s privacy away.
He looked over to the entrance; saw the bag and the key to this apartment on the floor next to it.
He wouldn’t ever let Jin abandon him from his life like that. Jin still loved him, and Kazuya would make sure Jin would understand that.
Putting the key back to its place, Kazuya decided that he wouldn’t give up that easily.
It was nerve-racking.
Jin hated how things were going. Kazuya never brought that key, pretended not to listen when Jin asked him about it.
In an appropriate moment, Jin had taken Kazuya by the hand and had held him back from following everyone else into the room. He had asked Kazuya once more to give the key back, but the younger one had just looked at him, had tangled his fingers with Jin’s, saying there was no use to do that.
But there was.
Annoyed, Jin had let go of Kazuya, had left him there in the corner of the corridor, following the other ones into the meeting room.
When Kazuya had come in a minute later, he had looked all normal, had talked to Nakamaru as if nothing had happened, but when no one else had been looking he’d been throwing those looks at Jin.
Determined and with a hint of Despair.
It frightened Jin to see Kazuya like that. He didn’t know that side of the brunette; had never gotten to know that possessive character of him.
The younger one had followed him to his car, but hadn’t tried to talk to him. He just followed, looked at him. And those looks said it all.
Kazuya loved him; he couldn’t possibly let go of Jin, not at all.
But as much pity as he felt for Kazuya, he couldn’t grant him forgiveness. He was still hurting so much inside and trusting Kazuya was something he couldn’t do anymore.
A sudden noise made him look up, as he filled tea into a cup. Looking over his shoulder, he frowned.
It was far after midnight and he’d been up since three, since he still didn’t sleep that well. It was just natural he heard noises and imagined things.
Jin really needed some sleep; a good rest, dreamless nights and he would be able to relax.
Or he just needed Kazuya by his side; that would most likely work best.
Sighing, he lifted the cup to his lips and took a sip as he made his way to his bedroom. He’d just go to bed and forget about Kazuya.
By now, he should be able to do so.
With the cup in his hand, he turned off all the lights on his way and closed the door to his room. Then he got beneath his blanket and curled up. He had started to sleep on the right side of his bed, since it had been the side Kazuya had usually claimed as his.
Closing his eyes, he shifted for another twenty minutes, until he finally drifted into a light slumber.
When it got completely silent, Kazuya sneaked out of the guest’s room next to the bathroom and left the door open to not make any noise to wake Jin.
When he had come in earlier this evening, Jin hadn’t been back, so he had decided to wait. But as he had sat in the huge arm chair in Jin’s living room, Kazuya had figured that Jin would throw him out as soon as he’d just see Kazuya.
He would yell at him, take the key and get rid of Kazuya. Of course, to come in like this was like a crime.
But after all, Kazuya thought now, he had a key, so it wasn’t really a crime.
Even so, he had decided to not confront Jin like that, since it wouldn’t make sense. It wouldn’t bring him the results he wanted.
Kazuya had made up a better plan, so as he had heard Jin coming in, he had hurried to hide in the room the older one never went in.
Kazuya remembered to have seen that room only once, too. He hadn’t even real memories of it, since he had focused more on Jin.
They had needed a bed; quickly, and this room had happened to be closer by, so they had ended up in that bed.
Kazuya had been lying on the soft blanket and had remembered that afternoon. Now, it was completely silent in the apartment, so Kazuya made an attempt to sneak over into Jin’s bed room.
He didn’t want much; just a moment with Jin, just the illusion of being with him like before. Jin needed it, too.
He looked tired and worn out and it got worse every day. He worked a lot because of the movie and with the band and Kazuya could see the older one didn’t eat properly and didn’t get enough sleep.
He’d help Jin to relax for a whole night.
Silently opening the door to Jin’s room, Kazuya spotted him and a gentle smile traced his lips. He went over and just looked at the picture in front of him for a moment.
Unlike his usual attitude in bed, Jin didn’t sprawl out and messed the sheets up. He was curled up and had the blanket tugged to his chin, sleeping peacefully on Kazuya’s side of the bed.
Jin did miss him after all, Kazuya thought and made his way around the bed, to the other side.
Taking off his shoes, he got in and sat beside Jin for a while, gently stroking his hair. His hands ran through the soft, dark strands and Jin shifted in his sleep, turned to him.
Kazuya only watched him, saw Jin’s expression changing. He didn’t look that tensed anymore, his face was relaxing and he sighed.
Unable to resist, Kazuya leaned in and placed a gentle kiss to Jin’s temple, his jaw line, his cheek, then to the corner of his mouth. Jin reacted naturally, lifted his arms to get hold of Kazuya’s and drew him closer, until he was lying over Jin’s chest, their lips close.
“Kazuya”, Jin murmured and titled his head. “Just kiss me finally.”
It was the old game they used to play. Teasing the other one until he would beg for it and apparently, Jin was missing it just as much as Kazuya did; he hadn’t even teased Jin yet.
Leaning in, Kazuya brushed his lips to Jin’s and slowly kissed him. It made him melt inside, made him feel warm and save, since this was the only feeling a kiss from Jin could wake. No one else could make him feel like this.
It had taken him a huge mistake to realize that, but now he would know it for the rest of his life.
Kazuya put a hand next to Jin’s head and leaned in closer, let the kiss get deeper. It got playful; Kazuya laid everything into that kiss he had missed so much in those two weeks. His tongue slid over Jin’s and he moaned slightly, as Jin bit his lip.
Since Jin only wore boxer shorts, Kazuya didn’t need to get rid of any barriers between them. He escaped from the kiss, let his lips travel down Jin’s neck to his chest; his hands playfully caressing the older one’s side.
Jin sighed in his sleep, and Kazuya assumed he was most likely thinking he was dreaming all this. He wondered if Jin had been dreaming of him during those two weeks, just like he had been dreaming of Jin.
Closing his mouth over one of Jin’s nipples, Kazuya made him arch against him and he closed his eyes, slightly suckling, rubbing his thumb over the other one.
To be with Jin like this had definitely been something he had missed badly. To feel Jin shiver and hear him moan, the way he whispered Kazuya’s name right now; it all fired Kazuya on to go further, to drag more out of Jin.
So then, Kazuya reached his hand down, touching Jin’s arousal. He slightly moved his hand over it and then pressed his lover back to the pillows. His heart was pounding in his chest and he was full of adrenaline.
Kazuya shifted down and gripped the base of Jin’s length, before he slowly slid his mouth over the dewy tip, flicking his tongue shyly at the fluid.
Closing his eyes, Kazuya crouched between Jin's thighs and took the length a little more into his mouth, lightly suckling on the head as his tongue traced over the bottom portion.
Jin tried to push his hips upwards, but Kazuya held him back from doing so, letting him arch slightly, though. He felt fingers curling into his hair, lightly tugging it and he knew, even if Jin thought he dreamt this, he fully enjoyed it.
Kazuya's eyes were lightly closed, and he slid his mouth a little lower over his lover's length. The smaller man sucked on him, moaning a little in the back of his throat, as he lightly stroked the base of Jin's arousal. His moans were making Kazuya shiver, and he could only suck harder.
He couldn't help but shiver again, and let his free hand settle on Jin's tummy, sucking harder on his length. As Kazuya lowered his head and took in even more, he was lightly rubbing Jin's stomach, his other hand tightening around his base.
Jin came and Kazuya was prepared, pulled back a little to swallow his lover’s semen. Jin cried out his name, arched up and his hand fell from Kazuya’s hair to not hurt him, as he had to grip something; tore something.
His fingers curled into the sheets beneath them, and his eyes flew open. “Kazuya, Kazuya…”, he mumbled and felt the younger one lick his length clean. He tensed; all the relaxation he had just gotten fell from him and he managed to lift his head to look down. His breath was going heavy and he stared at the younger one, who had put his head to Jin’s thigh, panting himself.
“What the hell are you doing here?!”
Like a cat, he thought now, as Kazuya looked up at him, his position looking relaxed, but his expression still troubled. He licked his lips like a cat.
“I missed you, Jin”, Kazuya simply answered.
Jin sat up and pushed Kazuya away, to the other side of the bed, tugging the sheets over himself. “I can’t believe you came here and assaulted me in my sleep. Are you insane?” Jin glared at him. “How did you even…” He stopped and stared at the younger one. “I told you to give the key back.”
“Jin, listen…”, Kazuya started, but he was cut off by Jin.
“You’re a pervert, Kazuya, really, this is disgusting.”
Kazuya looked at the sheets, rubbed his forehead then. “You were missing it just as badly”, he only answered; then he got up, and hissed slightly at the movement.
Jin frowned at him and his eyes automatically looked at Kazuya’s jeans. “You are…”
“Of course I am, Jin”, Kazuya snapped, not pleased with how this had gone. “I just gave you a blow job; it couldn’t possibly leave me unaffected.”
Jin bit his lip, as he saw Kazuya getting his shoes from the floor, then he acted without thinking about it. Reaching out his hand, Jin pulled Kazuya back at his wrist, down to the bed and between his own legs, until Kazuya leaned against him.
“Jin..?” The younger one gasped in surprise.
“Shut up. Don’t say anything”, Jin just murmured and then reached his hand down, zipping Kazuya’s jeans open, before he unbuttoned them. He looped his other arm around the brunette’s waist just as he had done it million times before; then he slid his hand inside the jeans, beneath the boxer shorts.
Kazuya mewled as Jin touched him and he titled his head back.
Jin told himself to not put much effort into it; he ran his hand over the younger one’s arousal, gripped it tightly, knew exactly how to move his hand to make Kazuya come.
Kazuya closed his eyes and got hold of Jin’s over his stomach, gripping it tightly, biting his lip as Jin pushed him forward.
It was over before Kazuya could even make out what was happening. Jin had known exactly what to do, how to touch him; he had found all of Kazuya’s sensitive spots long time ago.
The younger one was trying to catch his breath, still holding onto Jin, pressed with his back to the taller one’s chest. He titled his head, until he could bury his face at Jin’s neck.
“Jin…”
The older one shifted, got rid of Kazuya by pushing him away. “Don’t get the wrong idea”, he said coldly and got out of the bed. Kazuya had fallen onto the bed, looking at him with hurt eyes. Hurt and pleading.
“Leave.” Jin got over to the bathroom and washed his hands, the shorts pulled back into their position. As he came back, Kazuya was still lying at the spot he had pushed him to, looking so damn heartbroken. “I returned the favour, so you can leave now.”
Kazuya bit his lip. “It wasn’t about getting over sexual frustration.”
“I don’t owe you anything, do I?”
Sitting up, Kazuya shook his head. “It’s called making love for a reason, Jin.”
Jin raised a brow. “This wasn’t out of love.”
“You said my name in your sleep; you recognized me, without seeing me, Jin.”
“I didn’t have sex with anyone but you for the past two years, Kazuya”, Jin answered and took his wrist to pull the younger one up from the bed. He gripped the shoes and tugged Kazuya with him over the corridor.
“It’s not habituation, Jin”, Kazuya answered, letting Jin pull him. “You love me, that’s why.”
At the door, Jin held the shoes up for Kazuya to take them. “Could you please stop telling me what I’m feeling? I know it better myself, thanks.”
“I’m not…”
“Be glad I don’t sue you for what you did tonight”, Jin cut him off and looked at Kazuya as he got into his shoes, buttoned his jeans. “You’ll regret it if you ever do something like this again. Give the key back now.”
Kazuya bit his lip and looked at Jin’s eyes. “I can’t be without you.”
“Leave”, Jin said and looked away.
“You can’t hate me that much.”
Jin sighed and opened the door himself now. “I don’t hate you, Kazuya. I actually don’t feel anything for you right now.”
Kazuya shook his head.
“What you did today doesn’t change that. I don’t need you to supply my wants.”
Swallowing thickly, Kazuya made his way past Jin, out of the door. “It’s not about supplying wants, Jin.” He turned his head once more. “It’s about needs that can only be answered with feelings.”
Jin didn’t answer that, he only closed the door and then slid down to the floor, burying his face in his palms.
Kazuya had pretty much gotten the point to it.
But even if it had been for just a second, Kazuya had forgotten about those feelings for Jin, had forgotten that he loved him. And if Jin put his trust into the younger one again, he was sure, he wouldn’t be able to take it if he’d ever do something like what he had done with Uchi again.
It had been hard this time, it had broken him, and it was taking all of his strength.
A second time would surely kill him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thanks a lot for reading! I hope you still like it~~~ ♥♥♥