Drowned in Silence /// Fifth Word: Weak
banner by naomi0211 ♥♥♥
Title: Drowned in Silence /// Words we could never find ///
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: AU!!!, Romance, Angst
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this. The plot is mine and I DO NOT COPY anyone's writing.
Summary: It's been more than two years, since they had decided to part ways. Now, they meet, their paths cross again and Kazuya and Jin are confronted with memories of that one week they once shared. But probably, nothing has changed; they are probably still the same --- unable to find the words that would make their paths become one. A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I lived in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
A/N#2: This is a Sequel to Seven Days, you should have read that multichapter to understand this, I guess.
Okay, I admit, I am a bit behind! I am sorry! It can only get better, promise >_<
Hah, those two. They really aren't that strong, after all, weak to their desires, and they really don't know what exactly they want... or probably they do, but just can't act on it.
I had to change this to NC-17, so you already see... it's getting worse v.v
Enjoy reading :D
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Word: Remember
Second Word: Oblivion
Third Word: Attraction
Fourth Word: Unsteady
Fifth Word: Weak
It had been difficult to remain calm, to not let Tegoshi notice how very shaken up inside Kazuya had been, as he had walked over to his friend.
Tegoshi had been confused, as Kazuya had told him he’d leave again, going back home, since he really wasn’t feeling too well, after all.
But, of course, Tegoshi had let him go, offering to accompany him home, taking care of Kazuya.
Now, Kazuya closed the door to his flat behind himself and stared at the ground, stumbled forwards to get into the living room, where he slowly got to his knees in front of the table.
For a whole minute he didn’t do anything. He just sat there, his shoulders hanging, his eyes staring at the surface, look indifferent and emotionless.
He sat in this place before, feeling like this, Kazuya remembered and a sob escaped his lips.
Two years ago, Kazuya had sat in this place, staring at the door frame, feeling empty and torn and so undecided.
When Jin had left him.
Raising his hand, Kazuya covered his month and tilted his head back, blinking his eyes quickly, taking a deep breath.
There was no use in crying. He wouldn’t cry, not again, not this time.
Nothing had happened; he had known Jin had a girlfriend and they had just met again - nothing had happened between them.
Kazuya tried to grip those facts and bring them together, convince himself that it was foolish to feel that hurt and broken; betrayed.
Betrayed, he thought and bit his lip; why did it feel like that?
In that moment, his mobile rang and Kazuya jumped in surprise, gripping it from the table. The display flashed Jin’s name and Kazuya watched it for a moment, hesitating, then he answered.
“Where are you”, Jin wanted to know.
His voice sounded so casual, Kazuya thought and cleared his throat. “Why?”
“I just met the other guys and they said you got lost with Tegoshi?”
“Isn’t Yuya with you”, Kazuya wanted to know, feeling pity, when he thought of Tegoshi being all alone at the festival.
“Pi, call Tegoshi, he’s not with Kazuya”, he heard Jin instructing, his voice sounding a bit muffled, then it was clearer again, speaking to Kazuya: “I need to see you, Kazuya.”
“Why?”
“We promised to meet, didn’t we?” Jin sounded irritated.
“I think I don’t want to see you right now; tonight. Ever”, Kazuya added, realising he couldn’t take it.
“Kazuya?”
The younger boy shook his head, remembered then that Jin couldn’t see it, of course, so he swallowed thickly, took a deep breath. “We’re once again over, Jin.”
“What does that mean? How come you…”
Kazuya just cut the connection at that point, ignoring the fact that his mobile started ringing immediately again.
As it didn’t stop, he turned it off and thought about taking a shower, curling up in his bed, forgetting all this. But he couldn’t bring up the strength to stand up and do anything.
He just fell to his back, stared at the ceiling and allowed the thoughts to take over.
Strangely, Kazuya didn’t really know anymore what to feel.
He was hurt, disappointed, angry; all at once. And he didn’t know to handle all these.
Why had Jin even come here yesterday night? Why had he stepped back into Kazuya’s life in the first place? Why could he not just have said he was only looking for some fun, just wanted some sex, instead of making stupid promises he couldn’t keep?
Kazuya blinked and sat up then, ruffling his hair.
That was the problem, he realised and felt like crying just once again.
He had thought it was about sex, about the physical attraction he felt towards Jin. But there was a lot more buried within.
Those feelings he had had after those seven days, those feelings he had developed back then, when he had been with Jin - they weren’t gone.
They were still within him and that was why it was hurting so much right now.
Kazuya had been serious about it; had never wanted anyone else, he had practically waited for this to happen; for Jin to step back into his life and take over him again.
“I’m a childish idiot”, Kazuya mumbled to himself and buried his face in his palms, sighing.
The sound of the door bell made him wince, but he wasn’t that surprised. Of course, it was obvious that just one person would come to see him now.
It rang over and over again and knowing his neighbours would complain again, Kazuya had no choice but to go over and make Jin stop the terror.
“Go home, Jin”, he said, his voice not sounding as firm as he wanted it to be.
“Kazuya?” Jin stopped and Kazuya heard him leaning against the door. “What’s wrong? Open up.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I just decided I rather don’t want you back in my life.”
“You can’t just… Everyone hears us”, Jin changed his mind then. “Let me in.”
Kazuya knew Jin tried to use his weak point - his fear of others finding out. But he ignored it. “If you don’t want others to hear, then you’d better shut up and just go home.”
Jin sighed and banged his fist against the door. “Kazuya, cut the crap out.”
Kazuya watched the door for a moment and thought about it, thought about where this could lead him. He took a deep breath and opened the door slowly, raising his look, as Jin came into sight. He stepped back and let Jin come in.
“Why are you that angry with me”, Jin asked immediately, as the door was closed again.
“See, that’s the problem”, Kazuya told him, rushing past Jin, back into his flat. “You don’t know me and you have no clue about me.”
“Kazuya?”
The younger one sighed and turned back to Jin, giving him a rather sad look. “Why did you do that, Jin?”
Jin returned the look and he thought he saw more than just anger, more than just sadness.
“Why did you promise to be with me, when it’s not what you want? What do you actually want from me?”
“You saw us”, Jin concluded, suddenly finding sense in everything.
“You said you hadn’t kissed her so far”, Kazuya agreed and lowered his look. “So how come you decided to kiss her today; when you were supposed to break up with her?”
“I…”, Jin started, but his voice faded. He just stared at Kazuya.
“I get it, Jin.” The younger one nodded his head, bit his lip. “I understand that much.”
“Kazuya…”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just that physical attraction between us. You can’t give up what you have with her for that. For only that”, he added a bit more quiet.
Jin watched him, trying to find the right words. How was he supposed to react to something like this?
“I am sorry.”
Kazuya laughed slightly, turned away. “Yeah; it’s fine.”
“She just suddenly kissed me and I-“
“If you hadn’t wanted her to, then you would not have returned it, Jin.” Kazuya took a glass from the table, moving it in his hands to keep them busy. “It’s alright; after all, we didn’t want to get serious about this, however.”
“We didn’t?” Jin’s voice was too low, but Kazuya didn’t turn. “In that case, I probably made the right decision.”
It hurt and Kazuya once again had to fight the tears strangling his throat. “I am sure she’s a cute girl.”
“She is.”
“Then go back to her, instead of discussing useless matters here.”
“It seems”, Jin agreed and took off the necklace he wore; the cool metal of the shooting stars shaped pendant making a numb sound, as he put it to the table, “I just pulled back at the right moment.”
Kazuya just nodded; he didn’t think he could make his voice sound at the moment.
Jin laughed slightly. “Strange, it just feels like breaking up with you once again.”
“It shouldn’t be too hard on you then”, Kazuya answered.
“I just said it feels the same, Kazuya”, the older one repeated. “And you know that I was serious about you back then.”
Kazuya turned now, giving Jin an unbelieving look. “What do you want me to do, Jin?”
“Make the right decision for once.”
He could only stare upon hearing those words. “You’re not serious, are you? I am not the one of us being indecisive, after all.”
Jin fell silent, avoided Kazuya’s eyes. “You’re not actually sure, either.”
“But I can take the step to make sure, Jin. While you’re bound to someone else and thus, better don’t do anything inappropriate.”
Jin decided not to discuss that, not to try change Kazuya’s mind. There was no use - they hadn’t had a chance in the first place and he should not have gotten carried away by his feelings.
“You know, Jin, we should probably just be friends”, Kazuya suggested and laughed slightly. “Maybe, we’ll stop then confusing our feelings for any kind of… love.”
Jin nodded, but still didn’t look at him. “We’re might taking it too serious, because that week was so intense.”
“It was something odd”, Kazuya agreed. “We probably took it too far already then.”
“Sure, it just took over, I guess.”
“You have a nice girl, you know. You shouldn’t risk that, something that could become serious for a fling.”
Jin looked at him now, pressed his lips together, but then nodded his head.
“I…” Kazuya swallowed thickly. “You should go back now.”
Turning, Jin left the room. “I’ll see you.”
Kazuya leaned against the door frame of his living room, watching Jin opening the front door, didn’t say a thing, as the older one turned once more, gave him a look.
Jin hesitated and Kazuya fought the urge to hold him back. “We shouldn’t even have considered it, Jin. You know that.”
“I…”
“You would not have kissed her tonight, if you actually wanted to risk it. It’s fine, we both know it would not have worked out.”
Jin took a deep breath. “Yeah, I know.”
Kazuya didn’t say anything more and just lowered his look.
“I’ll see you, Kazuya”, Jin said then and stepped out.
He closed the door behind himself and stood there for a moment, staring at the blank wall across from him.
He heard Kazuya lock the door and then a silent thud, assuming Kazuya had leaned against the wood. Jin turned and slightly touched it with his fingertips, wondering why exactly it hurt like that, when everything they had talked about just now sounded so coherent and made sound sense.
Biting his lip, Jin stood for a while, thinking, wondering, waiting. He wanted to go back; was torn between what he wanted, what he should do, what he shouldn’t do. It was confusing and Jin thought he’d get a major headache, but it didn’t bother him too much, not as long as he could feel Kazuya’s presence here.
Kazuya didn’t make any noise, nothing moved behind the door and Jin stayed, just as quiet.
Even though they had just agreed on ending whatever it was between them and they were on different sites of the door, he yet felt strangely closer to Kazuya than ever before.
Three weeks, Jin thought and he still wasn’t over it.
He couldn’t actually say why, but after that night he had seen Kazuya last, Mirai had started to remind him of the other boy just even more.
He still wasn’t able to grasp what it was, since their personalities just were so very different and he couldn’t even say they looked alike.
But still, from the very first moment, Mirai had reminded him of Kazuya and it had just become stronger, that feeling.
She now sat on his bed, as usually dressed girlish, but not too much, just very feminine. Jin barely saw her wearing jeans, actually, but today she did. Her slightly curled brown hair was tied a tail and she read a prospect.
“So, are you going?”
Jin came over from the little kitchen and sat next to her, watching the paper in her hands. Her nails were perfectly manicured and her fingers thin and long.
Fragile, Jin thought for a moment, there was something about her that made her seem so fragile and as if she should be protected.
“I think so”, Jin stated. “It’s only in the end of August, though, so there’s still time, before we’ll go.”
Yamashita had given him the prospect a few days ago, asking Jin to come along. He planned a trip with friends to a beach. He had found that inn; it wasn’t expensive and the area looked nice.
“You’ll be surrounded by pretty girls in bikinis”, Mirai noticed, flashing him a look.
Jin grinned. “That’s why Pi wants to go so badly.”
She made an understanding noise; then leaned back a bit. “And you?”
“Will you believe me if I told you now that I won’t care for them?”
“Totally not.”
Jin laughed and nodded. “See; so I won’t say it.”
She laughed, as well and got up then, checking her watch. “I need to go.”
Following her to the door, Jin watched her back, wondered what it was about her that made him think of Kazuya again just now.
He opened the door for her and leaned in, as she got to her toes and placed a gentle kiss to his lips.
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Jin.”
He nodded. “Yeah, just drop by when your classes are over. We can have breakfast together.”
Smiling, she stood as close as she was for a little longer, giving him a look from dark eyes, before she kissed him once more, deeper this time. “Breakfast sounds nice.”
Jin just nodded and let her go, tasted her on his lips, as he closed the door.
He even compared the way they were kissing, he realised and sighed heavily. It was difficult to keep his thoughts from Kazuya, whenever she was around, whenever their lips touched. It was even harder to forget about the way Kazuya had kissed him, tasted and had felt.
Why did it feel like kissing anyone else than Kazuya was so wrong?
Jin ruffled his hair with one hand and fell back to his bed, gripping the flyer.
He’d like to go, enjoying their holidays at a beach, having fun with the other guys. It just was one thing that had held Jin back from agreeing to it so far.
He was sure Yamashita had invited Kazuya, as well. And Jin wasn’t sure if they would be able to handle that situation.
If Kazuya already was on Jin’s mind all the time, when they weren’t seeing each other at all, then how would it turn out to be if they actually saw each other? And on top of that, spent that much time together?
Jin sighed and closed his eyes, covering his face with the flyer.
He just couldn’t explain why he wasn’t capable of forgetting about Kazuya. They had talked it out already, had agreed that it was childish, that they had given the whole situation way too much meaning.
It had been a week - only seven days they had shared. And of course, what had happened back then had been significant, had changed them and Jin had never fallen in love as quickly as back then.
But they had been rushed from those feelings and meeting again now, those had taken over again.
There wasn’t anything deep behind it.
Kazuya had been the last person Jin had gotten intimate with and vice versa. That was all; they both remembered it, they both felt reminded of that night, seeing each other again now.
Being aware of that just didn’t change anything about the feeling at all.
Jin still wanted Kazuya as much as before - in a way he didn’t even think of Mirai.
Sure, she was a cute girl, in her own way, she was so very perfect for him, but it probably was exactly that steadiness she gave him that attracted him.
It wasn’t a physical attraction at all.
Not like he felt so damn attracted to Kazuya, even if Jin was just thinking of the other boy.
It confused him and made him feel so helpless and torn inside. Jin knew he shouldn’t, not even thinking about it should be an option and yet, he found himself lying here again, remembering Kazuya; the way he kissed, tasted, felt.
It just wouldn’t leave Jin’s mind and he wondered if it really was possible to fall in love that quickly again.
But this wasn’t love, he assured himself and shifted, making himself comfortable. Being in love with Kazuya was impossible, they had both figured that much a long time ago already.
They’d still not have a chance.
“You’ve been so moody lately; it surely was difficult to bear.”
Kazuya put the glass down to the table and looked at Koki, taking a deep breath.
Tegoshi nodded in agreement. “Whatever happened, Kame, don’t just built it up inside.” He took the bottle from the table and refilled their glasses. “Just get rid of it.”
Kazuya nodded and leaned back, watching the crowd on the dance floor.
Tegoshi and Koki had taken him along to a club, talking about having fun and forgetting about what was troubling him.
Over the past month, he had been in a very bad mood, actually.
The whole story about Jin had driven Kazuya crazy. First, he could have told himself that his decision had been right, that they weren’t supposed to be together, in the first place.
But it had soon started to crumble.
He had missed Jin, had wanted to meet him, just to see his face, hear his voice, feel his hands.
It had gone beyond that bare physical attraction they had labelled it. It had gone so much further.
Kazuya wasn’t exactly sure, but he thought he was seriously lovesick.
What was nothing but pathetic, because after all, he didn’t know Jin too well, had only spent one week with him and had only met him a few times after that.
But those few times had been intense, actually. They had gotten it on in those moments of being together, had been using every second wisely.
Kazuya knew he should stop himself from his thoughts, because the one he desired was already taken.
Reaching that point in his thoughts once again, Kazuya gripped his glass and emptied it in one go.
Tegoshi and Koki exchanged a look, both not knowing what exactly made Kazuya that desperate, but they let him.
“Yuya”, someone said from behind Kazuya then and he turned, as Tegoshi got up. He noticed that turning alone made him feel dizzy, and he hadn’t even gotten up yet.
Even so, he could still see clearly, so at first he just noticed Yamashita, but then made out Jin in the crowd behind him.
“Pi”, Tegoshi said in a happy voice, getting over to hug him. “What are you doing here?”
Yamashita pointed to the crowd of guys he was with. “We were in another club and thought it was time to move to the next one.”
Kazuya didn’t really listen to him, he observed Jin, wondered when exactly he’d notice him.
“Why don’t you join us?”
Tegoshi threw them a look and Koki nodded; Kazuya didn’t do anything, but Tegoshi just considered it as an agreement.
They got up and followed Yamashita to a larger table and Kazuya decided he’d rather dance than facing Jin right away.
The older one had not yet noticed him, so he still had a chance to get away.
He tapped Tegoshi’s shoulder, pointing at the dance floor and then strolled over, disappearing into the crowd.
Usually, Kazuya wasn’t the type to do something like that, but he assumed he was just drunk enough to not mind it, so he kept an eye on the table, saw Jin talking to Ryo for a while.
A girl approached him and Kazuya gave her a quick look, decided he didn’t really care and just let her get closer, danced with her for a while.
She was pretty, she could move quite well and distracted him from watching Jin all the time. When he looked back again, though, he found Jin’s eyes lingering on him, watching his moves.
Kazuya just returned the look coldly and moved his back to Jin again. He took his time, danced for a little longer, let other girls approach him, before he got tired and noticed the effect of the alcohol fading, so he got over to the bar, ordering another drink and went back to the table, taking the seat next to Tegoshi.
His friend gave him a worried look, but didn’t say a word.
“Kame-chan”, Yamashita said and grinned. “What’s with you tonight?”
“I am having some fun”, Kazuya pointed out.
“I can see that. How many did you have already?”
Kazuya shrugged a shoulder, threw Jin a look, as he slid the bottle Tegoshi had ordered over to him. “You’d better catch up. I am a few bottles ahead.”
Jin cracked a grin and took the bottle, filling his glass.
They ignored each other as best as they could for the rest of the night. Kazuya drank one glass after another, and after a while, Jin had caught up.
Everyone else was giving both of them worried looks, as they obviously tried to drown something in their drinking.
It was almost four in the morning, as Kazuya leaned against the wall of the small bathroom in the club, trying to gather himself enough to walk out again and pretend he’d be fine.
He wasn’t.
He totally wasn’t fine with Jin around. It made him so desperate, since he felt there wasn’t anything he could do.
Everything was lost already and all Kazuya had left was ignoring it; ignoring his feelings, his wants and ignoring Jin.
It was frustrating; simple like that.
He winced, as someone knocked the door vehemently, and frowned. Drunkards were always so rude, he thought and turned to the sink to wash his hands and look at his face in the mirror quickly.
The knocking got louder, the door was being shaken impatiently and Kazuya dried his hands, shaking his head, before he opened up.
He was shoved back inside and yelped as he stumbled against the wall, turning around as quickly as he could in his condition and stared as he saw Jin locking the door behind himself.
Not saying a word, Kazuya remained in his spot and looked at him, waiting for what Jin would do.
“You’re so cheap.”
Kazuya’s jaw dropped.
It took him a few seconds but then he gathered what he still could actually gather and pointed at Jin with one finger. “Are you saying?”
“What? I didn’t almost have sex with five different girls on the dance floor.” Jin crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“They were six”, Kazuya corrected, but realised himself then that that wasn’t the point. “And I was just dancing.”
“You knew exactly what you were doing”, Jin noticed and observed Kazuya with keen eyes. “You wanted to make me go insane over you.”
Kazuya snorted. “Sorry, Jin. I am actually just drunk. Not everything I do concerns you.”
Jin smirked slightly and stepped closer. “The fact alone that you’re drunk concerns me, Kazuya.”
“Shut up, Jin; I am leaving.”
Jin took a step aside and let Kazuya go to the door. He smirked more, when he saw Kazuya hesitating before opening the door.
“It worked, Kazuya”, he murmured and stepped behind the younger one, pulling him in. “You totally made me go insane.”
Kazuya tensed, but as Jin’s arms came around his waist, pulled him closer, he completely lost his mind and turned around. Staring at each other for a moment, they both held back, hesitated, tried to not take advantage of the situation.
It didn’t last for long, though, since they both gave in, in the same moment. Their lips hesitantly found each other’s and the kiss was rather sweet and short.
Until Kazuya sighed quietly.
Jin pulled him closer, pressed their lips together and parted Kazuya’s with his tongue, sliding it in. The kiss got heated up and they both groaned, as they stumbled back against the door. Kazuya felt pressed against it, but he could not have minded it less. Jin’s mouth was delivering him a breathtaking kiss and his hands were already all over Kazuya’s chest.
When they both pulled back, they panted, stared at each other and Kazuya pushed Jin back into the room, followed, before he pressed Jin’ shoulders down to make him sit. He crawled onto the older one’s lap and straddled his waist, burying his hands in the dark brunette strands, before he tilted Jin’s head back and kissed him again.
Jin’s hands came beneath Kazuya’s shirt and it wasn’t long, before they both started to move their hips, Kazuya urging Jin on.
Jin let go of a moan, brought his hand down between them and touched Kazuya through his jeans, making the younger one mewl against his lips.
Against his will, Kazuya pulled back, gave Jin a dull look. They shouldn’t do this, he knew it, he was aware of that, but as Jin pressed his hand harder against him, Kazuya’s eyes got dark and he gasped, forgetting every single thought in his head.
Both of them knew there was no way back. This had gone too far already, they both were too close to stop now.
Kazuya instinctively moved his hips again, trying o get more of the fiction, but at the same time, rubbing against Jin, making him moan.
It was the most inappropriate place. At least it wasn’t just a stall, but a locked room, but still, public. Somewhere in the back of his head Jin knew that, reminded himself that doing what he was doing right now was so cheap, but he couldn’t find the exact reason to stop.
After all, this was what he wanted. Exactly this.
As Kazuya arched against him, bulged his hips, Jin closed his eyes in pleasure and lost the thought.
Kazuya leaned in and found Jin’s lips again, sighing heavily, panting. “Jin…”, he murmured and licked them.
The older one returned the look, stared into Kazuya’s eyes and couldn’t stop his hips from thrusting up against Kazuya’s. He saw those eyes getting even darker; darker than Jin had ever seen them before and repeated the move.
They slowed down, enjoyed the sensation of what they were doing to each other with just those simple moves of their hips.
Until Kazuya suddenly tensed, his expression getting surprised and he gasped for air, moving his hips a bit faster.
Jin held his waist, pulled him in for a kiss, as Kazuya whispered his name again and again. Then his tension loosened and Kazuya sank against Jin, panting, his face buried at Jin’s neck.
Jin held him, his arms tightly around Kazuya’s waist, and he only let go when Kazuya started struggling. His moves reminded Jin that he still was hard and he bit his lip, as Kazuya threw him a look, bringing his hand down between Jin’s legs.
He held Jin’s look, devouring his lips, while he worked on making him come, too; swallowed all the cute and small noises Jin made, as Kazuya stroked him through the fabric, until Jin tensed beneath him, moving his hips up.
Kazuya smiled slightly, satisfied and framing Jin’s face to take another kiss. He sighed happily, nuzzled closer.
It was the most inappropriate place, the worst situation, with both of them being too drunk to think clearly, and even though Kazuya knew it exactly, was aware of that somewhere in the back of his mind, he didn’t actually process it.
Jin brushed a few strands out of Kazuya’s face, held him in position on his lap and smiled slightly, before they shared another slow kiss.
Kazuya finally got up and straightened his clothes out, walking to the sink to wash his face. As he dried his face with some paper, he saw Jin standing at the door, watching him.
Kazuya knew then, it was no use trying to hide or cover up what had just happened. Jin’s eyes were clearly signalizing what he was up to. Kazuya knew he wouldn’t stay here any longer tonight.
Jin unlocked the door again and didn’t have to do much else than to hold out his hand to make him follow.
“Let’s go home, Kazuya.”
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Were does that get you into, boys?
Thanks a lot for reading :) I am happy if you enjoyed this!
PS: I already made an entry in my personal journal, but I received so many messages for this account, as well... For everyone of you thinking of me for my birthday and congratulating me: Thank you so very much, I was very, very happy :)
Thank you!
PPS: is the new layout okay????