More than a Feeling /// Kamen Sequel /// Part 4/5 (Oneshot)
banner by naomi0211 ♥♥♥
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings... How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
A/N#3: This is a sequel story to Kamen, Another Feeling and Forgotten Feelings. It's not entirely needed to have read those, but I'd still recomment it.
The only part you really should have read before reading this, is the short Akame drabble in this post.
Thank you :)
I never thought I'd have to research my own sory, but for this, I had to reread parts of the actual fanfic again, because I wanted to use certain details I knew I had mentioned somewhere in the story, but I didn't know anymore where and when.
So, yeah. References to the original story in this... and in the next part, which is definitely being the last one!!!!
This is not a One-shot anymore m(_ _)m
What should I say... It's getting complicated again. Those two are struggling too much and the solution I finally found is just so easy and yet it'll still take them a while. One makes the other one suffer and... the circle, you know the circles in my stories.
Uhm... sorry?
Enjoy it, anyway. I really hope you still can ^^;;;
♥
Continues from HERE
July 4th, 00:02am, received message from Kazuya
Happy Birthday, Jin. I guess you’re out. But could we meet tonight? I have something to give you.
July 4th, 09:58pm, received message from Kazuya
Where are you? I am waiting at your place.
July 5th, 05:36am, received message from Kazuya
Why didn’t you come home? Where did you spend the night? I need to see you.
July 6th, 04:02pm, received message from Kazuya
Jin, we need to talk. This can’t go on.
July 7th, 08:19pm, received message from Kazuya
Jin, please. Don’t ignore me. I am sorry.
July 8th, 09:08am, received message from Kazuya
Answer my calls. You can’t avoid me forever. You know that doesn’t make sense, you know we have to talk about it.
July 9th, 02:43am, received message from Kazuya
I can’t sleep. Let me see you, Jin. I miss you, really. I can’t sleep.
July 10th, 06:22am, received message from Kazuya
I have a key to your flat. Seriously, you know what I’ll do tonight.
July 10th, 11:53pm, received message from Kazuya
Where are you? Why don’t you come home? I am waiting.
July 11th, 08:35am, received message from Kazuya
I’m sorry.
July 12th, 04:08pm, received message from Kazuya
Please answer, Jin. I am really sorry.
July 13th, 07:02am, received message from Kazuya
How long is this going to go on? Where do you spend the nights? I miss you, Jin. I want to see you. Let me see you, please. I am sorry for what happened, so please give me a chance to talk about it.
Jin sighed, when he read the message and opened up the door to his apartment.
Kazuya had been here again. Hoping to meet Jin that way, he almost came every evening, waiting for Jin to come home.
But Jin knew and so, he had started to either stay at the studio, working through the night or he went out with friends, sleeping over at Yamashita’s or any other friend’s place.
When he worked the night through like today, he would come home tired and exhausted and there was nothing else he did than falling into bed, noticing it was neatly made, even though he knew Kazuya had spent the nigh in his sheets.
They carried his scent and it almost drove Jin crazy each time.
But he was too tired to actually do anything about it. And it was too comforting, as well. It was easy to close his eyes and pretend everything was as usual - like they could not have met, so Kazuya had spent the night in Jin’s bed.
But truth was, they could have met; time would have allowed them to share the bed at night, but Jin had not.
He stood in the doorway and looked into his empty flat, lowered his head to read the message again.
Kazuya had actually threated him in one of those mails. He had done that before, Jin knew, remembered just too well. Kazuya had sneaked into his apartement at night before, seducing Jin in his sleep.
It had been scary back then, how far his desperation had driven Kazuya.
Jin wondered if he’d been able to do it again, an act like that. He surely was desperate again. He wasn’t far from it anymore.
It’s called making love for a reason, Jin remembered the words Kazuya had said back then. They were true and each time he slept with Kazuya, it was exactly that and nothing else.
A proof of how much they loved each other.
Jin shut his mobile and went in, closing the door behind himself. He saw the key the moment he turned around again.
It lay in its usual spot at the board; where Kazuya always put it.
Jin got out of his boots and silently walked over, picking it up. Nothing but the charm was attached to the silver key; red and pink colours framing the character for love.
Jin watched it for a moment, before he slid the key into his pocket and took tentative steps towards the kitchen. It was empty, as well as the bathroom across. The living room was tidy and clean.
For a moment, Jin panicked.
Kazuya had given the key back. It meant he had given up; it had happened before. Jin had ignored him for too long, had sheltered Kazuya too much.
But as he stormed over into the bedroom, he found Kazuya there, in his bed, quickly turning to Jin with huge eyes.
“Jin”, he only managed to gasp.
He couldn’t pinpoint why exactly, but the moment Jin saw Kazuya exactly there, on the right side of his bed he always claimed as his, his world fell into place again.
The thought of them really being over still scared Jin. It had been too painful to go through that once. He never wanted to endure it again.
“I thought you had given the key back”, he only said and let go of the door.
It slowly fell closed.
Kazuya just shook his head and ran a hand over his eyes. Then, he managed a slight smile. “I’m glad you came home.”
“I didn’t know you’d still be here.”
Nodding, Kazuya pulled the blanket up to his chest.
Jin looked at him for a moment and the silence stretched between them, then he looked down and quietly said: “I missed you, too.”
Kazuya just stared at him; he probably hadn’t expected those words at all. He swallowed and then shifted and making space, signifying Jin to come over.
Jin took the invitation and sat down at the edge of the bed, looking at Kazuya with rather hurt eyes. Kazuya reached out both hands and framed Jin’s face, gently caressing his cheeks.
“I’m sorry”, he murmured and looked into Jin’s eyes, firmly standing it, even though it hurt. “You probably were right in what you’ve said.”
Jin frowned slightly, but he didn’t make any attempt to withdraw from Kazuya.
“I think I tried hurting you on purpose.”
Jin just shook his head, but Kazuya made him stop, giving him a concerned look.
“I did, Jin. You didn’t see how serious everything had gotten. You wrote me those carefree mails as if we were fine, but nothing was fine.” Kazuya bit his lip, shifted closer. “I suffered so much from being apart from you and you seemed to be okay with everything. Like nothing had changed.”
Jin looked at Kazuya for the longest time. “You wanted me to suffer from being seperated, as well.”
Kazuya looked down. “I didn’t really realise it, until you accused me of it.”
“You could just have said it”, Jin said in a soft voice. “One simple I can’t stand it from you would have made me do anything to make you feel better.”
Kazuya’s hands slid from Jin’s face and he slowly pulled them back. “You were too far away. What could you have done?”
“Reassure you that it’s just as hard for me.”
Looking up, the younger one gave Jin a sad look. “Wouldn’t you have lied then?”
Jin smiled slightly. “Do you remember when I came back for the first time?”
“We only had one night together then. It was not enough”, Kazuya answered.
“Not that time”, Jin corrected him. “The very first time. Three years ago.”
Kazuya looked up at him. Of course he remembered. “I confessed to you.”
Jin nodded and reached out one hand to take Kazuya’s. “It’s been the best thing you could do to welcome me home.”
Kazuya frowned, tilted his head. “It took you quite some while to give me an answer, however.”
Jin smiled. “I was so afraid”, he said then. “I’d been in love with you for so long already and during my time in L.A., I thought by the time I come home everything between us, every moment we had held hands, every moment we had shared a room and you had sneaked into my bed - I thought all of it would have lost its meaning, because I had run away.”
“You’ve been…” Kazuya didn’t finish the sentence; he stared at Jin with huge eyes instead.
“I had missed you so badly and having no contact at all was making it even worse”, Jin continued. “I thought I had lost you by the time I came back. And still on the first evening you stood over there in my doorway and stuttered something about that you missed me and that you never felt so lonely and that you’ve never felt like that for anyone before.”
“I was embarrassed.” Kazuya looked down, obviously still embarrassed by even just thinking about it now.
“And I was so happy.”
“You still sent me away that night.” Kazuya laughed slightly. “I cried all night.”
Jin leaned in and kissed Kazuya’s cheek, as if to dry those tears from back then; or as an late apology for having made Kazuya cry. “I had imagined it so often. What it would be like with us as a couple. What we would be like then. And there you offered me the chance to find out and suddenly everything was real and I had to take into consideration that not everything about it was so easy.”
“It didn’t get any easier.”
“Not at all.”
Kazuya took a deep breath. “I never knew you had liked me for so long.”
“And it never stopped for once”, Jin added.
“Even though I did quite some horrible things?”
“I’m not sure yet what was most horrible out of everything”, Jin answered with an amused touch in his voice. “Probably that kiss.”
Kazuya managed a weak smile. “Which one?”
Jin laughed and pulled Kazuya in. “The one that was your own fault”, he answered and ran a hand up into Kazuya’s hair.
“I’m sorry, Jin”, Kazuya murmured, his face hidden at Jin’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know. I’m sorry, too.” Jin tilted his head against Kazuya’s, closed his eyes. “I did my share to hurt you, too.”
Kazuya nuzzled closer. “We’ve been at this point before. But we know it won’t work, don’t we? Breaking up is not an option.”
It’s the only option, Jin thought, but didn’t say it. Not yet. Not now that he finally held Kazuya again. He just wanted to enjoy it for a bit longer.
He didn’t talk about the recent issue on purpose. It wasn’t something he was ready yet to discuss.
On a certain level, it proved, Kazuya didn’t love him and Jin wasn’t ready yet to face it.
“I missed you just as much and it was hard on me being without you. You should have known that, Kazuya.”
The brunette nodded and buried his fingers in the fabric of Jin’s shirt. “It’ll stay like that forever now.”
“I won’t be out of the country forever.”
“But I am responsible for us having less time together from now on.”
Jin kept silent to that again, then he shifted, until he could lean against his headboard. “I think you’ve given it a lot of thought, didn’t you?”
“I probably thought more about the concequences for the band than for us.”
“That’s not really surprising”, Jin murmured.
Kazuya kept silent and just buried his face at Jin’s neck. He lifted the blanket to sprwal it over Jin, too, but the older one gripped Kazuya’s hand and stopped him.
“You probably better leave now.”
Kazuya looked up and stared at Jin with a puzzled look. “But didn’t you just…”
“That I love you and know that I can’t take being sepated from you, doesn’t mean that I am over this already.” Jin gently pushed Kazuya back. “Just as you’ve said, we’ve reached this point before, Kazuya. There’s no right path ahead right now.”
“But we know that…”
Jin shook his head. “What was wrong back then doesn’t necessarly have to be wrong this time, too. It’s different.”
Kazuya sat up, desperately tried to make Jin change his mind. “But you’ve said that kiss was the worst already. If you could overcome that, then we can handle this, too.”
“You weren’t the only one who made mistakes, Kazuya”, Jin said and reached out his hand to reassuringly caress Kazuya’s cheek. “I did my share, too.”
“But, Jin…”
Jin got up and held out his hand. “Leave me a bit more time, okay?”
“I can’t spend one single more night without you. I need you, Jin”, Kazuya said, not moving.
“You surely know what to say”, Jin sighed and leaned in to take Kazuya’s hand, pulling him from the bed.
“I am serious, Jin.”
Jin stopped at the front door. “I am, too.”
He leaned in and framed Kazuya’s face, giving him a long, calm, gentle kiss. “Ever since that night you had that accident you should know that I treasure you most in this world, so don’t look so anxious.”
“Don’t make me leave”, Kazuya just whispred.
Jin ran a thumb over Kazuya’s cheek and pecked his lips again. “There’s no doubt that I love you. We’ve been through way too much to be inecure of that. But at the moment, I really can’t stand you.”
“You’re trying to break my heart”, Kazuya accused Jin and gripped his wrists. “We don’t have much time in the first place and you make me stay away from you?”
“You should understand that feeling. Isn’t it the same why you avoided me earlier?”
Kazuya bit his lip and Jin smiled gently, leaning in again to take another kiss.
“This time, you’ll have to wait for me to make up my mind, Kazuya.”
“Make up your mind about what?”
Jin opened the door for him and looked down. “About how much I want to work on it.”
Kazuya swallowed thickly and froze in his place. He didn’t even protest as Jin took his hand and pulled him out of the flat.
“I’ll call you”, Jin only said and with that, closed the door.
Only in that moment, Kazuya realised that Jin had taken every chance for him to get in contact, to psuh Jin to a decision.
He could call as much as he wanted, it wouldn’t bring anything if Jin didn’t pick up. He could text him thousands of mails, they would all be meaningless if Jin didn’t read them. Kazuya could chase him at work, it wouldn’t make any difference if Jin always stayed in crowded places.
The only way to reach Jin, to make him listen to Kazuya, was to come here. And Jin had taken that opportunity from him.
He had not given back the key to Kazuya.
Before Kazuya could take any action or try approach Jin about that matter again, however, he was caught up in a tight schedule for their tour.
He tried calling Jin, sometimes he received a mail back, telling him a simple I’m thinking of you, but that was everything about it. He didn’t answer Kazuya’s calls, didn’t make the effort to call Kazuya on his own.
He didn’t even come to see Kazuya and if they met, then just briefly in the office, where they would only glance at each other from far apart.
Everything Kazuya would receive from Jin at those occasions were smiles, affectionate and gentle; leaving Kazuya confused and hurt.
Jin was working alone and Kazuya didn’t see him once until August had begun and their tour was over.
Only then, Kazuya decided to leave Jin be and stopped trying to contact him. He didn’t call, didn’t text, only returned those rare looks and smiles.
He was patiently waiting for Jin to take a step.
After all, it had been Kazuya who had messed up, so it was on him now to leave Jin space and time. He just had to trust Jin that he would make the right decision; that he wouldn’t give up on them.
Kazuya remained patient, waited and waited, until it was September already and Jin still didn’t show up, never tried to contact him.
By that time, he felt betrayed and was rather angry at Jin than anything else.
He didn’t expect to meet Jin anytime soon, but as he saw him in one of the studios of the TV building Kazuya was recording for his regular hosting, it struck him down.
Jin noticed him in the same moment and they both stopped, staring at each other from either side of the corridor.
Jin was the one to move first. But other than Kazuya had expected, he didn’t walk away, but straight to him.
Jin didn’t stop, didn’t say a word; he just took Kazuya’s hand and dragged him along. Kazuya protested after a moment of stunning, but before he could get loud or draw anyone’s attention, Jin had pulled him into a restroom already.
“Jin, what is…” Kazuya fell silent, as Jin simply pulled him into an embrace.
“You’ve stopped texting me”, Jin said.
Frowning, Kazuya felt his anger well up again. “You said you’d contact me. That was two months ago, Jin. Two damn months that you left me hanging, longing for you and going insane over the fact that I missed you like…”
Jin silenced him with a kiss and Kazuya couldn’t help but give in. Jin devoured his lips, licked them, until Kazuya opened them to let him have access. Silently moaning, Jin tilted his head, got another angle and pulled Kazuya’s head back by his hair, making the brunette gasp. As they parted, Jin put his forehead to Kazuya’s and waited for him to open his eyes.
Kazuya swallowed thickly and left his eyes closed. “Tell me it’s over now.”
Jin laughed gently and pulled Kazuya in again. “I’m sorry.”
Kazuya really just wanted it to be over. That kiss had been promising and Jin had laid so much into it, it made Kazuya long for more, for the desires it had woken in him.
He hated how Jin took so easily control of him, could make him weak with only just that single kiss.
“You better be”, Kazuya growled and pushed Jin back. “I could beat you up.”
“I know.”
“You didn’t contact me for a damn two months!” Kazuya’s eyes were giving him a killing glance. “You knew just how much I suffered from that and yet you didn’t care to tell me what was going on. You said you love me, but you got along without me perfectly fine for quite a while.”
Jin kept silent to that. He just watched Kazuya and waited for his anger to calm down.
“How could you take it that easily? How could you do that to me?”
“You could do it just as easily, couldn’t you?”
Kazuya stopped and looked up, his look on Jin’s face. “What is this? Revenge?”
Jin laughed it off, looked down, while he buried his hands in his pockets.
“You did that to pay me back for me ignoring you?” Kazuya ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. “I don’t get you.”
“It’s nothing like that”, Jin said quietly. “I told you I need time.”
“Two fucking months, Jin?” Kazuya’s voice got louder again. “That’s too long to decide if you want to work on our relationship.”
Jin looked up, his expression calmer than Kazuya would have expected.
“That’s simply too long, Jin. Our relationship died in that time, because we didn’t have one.”
After that, silence took over again and they remained staring at each other.
Jin got his hands out of his pockets and made a step towards Kazuya, leaned in, as he was close enough.
“It didn’t change anything, though, did it?”
Kazuya didn’t draw back; he gave Jin a determined look. “Go to hell, Jin.”
Jin grinned and pulled away, shaking his head. “You’re really mad.”
“I know I hurt you. I know you were mad at me for making that decision on my own, for taking it from you and controlling your life that way”, Kazuya just answered. “But you paid me back enough now, don’t you think? These two months were making me go insane.”
“Because you missed me so much.”
“Because you were here, just so close and yet, I had no way of getting in touch with you.”
Jin reached out to take Kazuya’s hand. “I’ve locked you out of everything.”
“Is it over now? Am I allowed back?” Kazuya didn’t sound as if he was still eager for that.
“You’re always allowed, Kazuya.”
“Why wasn’t I part of your life for the last two months, then?”
Jin shrugged a shoulder and the sudden indifferent mask told Kazuya that he was hiding something.
“Jin, what the hell is…”
“Take this”, Jin interrupted him and lifted Kazuya’s hand, putting something cold onto his palm.
Kazuya stared at his key, attached to the charm as it had always been and looked up to Jin then, his eyes asking all the questions his mouth couldn’t form.
“It’s your decision now”, Jin said. “Because in the end, you are the one making the decisions for us.”
Kazuya frowned as Jin let go of his hand and turned. “Jin, what is this about?”
“It’s just like I’ve said”, Jin answered indifferently and opened the door.
“You decide.”
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CONTINUES HERE
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The last part is either going to be extremely long or exceptionally short O_o
I hope you're not too confused now. Jin does have a plan... he's up to something and Kazuya will grasp it soon, too.
Thank you so very much for reading ♥♥♥♥