More than a Feeling /// Kamen Sequel /// Part 3 (Oneshot)
banner by naomi0211 ♥
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings... How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
A/N#3: This is a sequel story to Kamen, Another Feeling and Forgotten Feelings. It's not entirely needed to have read those, but I'd still recomment it.
The only part you really should have read before reading this, is the short Akame drabble in this post.
Thank you :)
I actually planned to finish it up with this third part, but it seems there's going to be a fourth one. I wanted to update another drabble request first, but then, suddenly, it hit me and I just had to write on this and bring it to the point where this ends now.
To everyone waiting for their drabbles, I promise that now, they will have priority for me m(_ _)m
So, everyone who said the last part felt so very real to them.... I really, really hope this doesn't.
I wonder if anyone else had the same idea as me concerning Jin's leaving the band?! Enjoy reading ♥
Continues from HERE
Jin was mad.
Kazuya had not come that night and he had not answered a single of Jin’s calls once again.
He ignored Jin again and that was unacceptable. Kazuya couldn’t act like that, treat Jin that way and make him lose his mind with his stupid behaviour.
Something was wrong, something was terribly wrong and Jin couldn’t leave it like that any longer.
It had never happened before that he hadn’t known of Kazuya’s schedule, that he had come into Kazuya’s flat when there had been guests.
If it had been anyone else… Jin didn’t even want to think of that. They could be discovered so easily, so quickly; everything between them could be over in an instant, just because they had been careless with their relationship.
Careless; Jin wondered if it really was that.
They probably had just forgotten what it was like to be careful in a relationship, because they both hadn’t had to be careful in a while.
Their relationship had run on typing mails and short phone calls. They hadn’t seen each other much, hadn’t talked seriously, hadn’t been able to be an active part of each other’s life.
Jin hadn’t even known Kazuya was still on such good terms with Uchi and Tegoshi. He had thought with the ending of the filming for that drama, they had stopped meeting, too.
It gave him a slightly uneasy feeling, because Jin still didn’t trust Uchi at all. Kazuya had to be careful around him; they could never know if Uchi still had those things in mind.
Jin raised his look to the TV, absently watching the programme airing.
He was waiting in Kazuya’s living room for his boyfriend to come home. Apparently, Kazuya had a long day and it made Jin sulk just a bit more that he didn’t actually know.
He couldn’t tell what time Kazuya would be home or if he’d probably bring someone or if he was going out for dinner or a few drinks with any friends.
They just didn’t adjust their schedules anymore, like they used to do before. They didn’t know how the other one spent his day, if it was better to meet at Jin’s or Kazuya’s place to get to sleep just a bit longer than they’d be able to otherwise.
Right now, Jin’s schedule wasn’t too busy however. He’d have time to wait all night, until Kazuya would come home.
And this time, he wouldn’t accept any excuse.
They would talk about this mess and Jin would get it right, would sort it out and get everything back into order.
His anger hadn’t calmed down at all, as he heard the door being opened. For a moment, Jin hesitated, thinking about whether he should wait at his spot or go over. As he didn’t hear Kazuya moving any further, Jin lost his patience, so he turned off the TV and left the living room to check on him.
He saw Kazuya standing in the hallway, his back resting against the wall, head tilted back and his eyes closed.
Jin frowned and moved closer, making some noise, so that Kazuya turned his head and looked at him.
“You’re here”, he murmured and a slight smile formed in his face.
Jin frowned deeper and next thing he knew was Kazuya embracing him, sinking against him.
“It’s good to see you.”
“Eh?”
“I’m feeling just so tired”, Kazuya explained and nuzzled closer. “I just thought on my way home that it’d be perfect if you’d be here.”
“Well”, Jin started, “I was waiting for you.”
Kazuya lifted his head and gave him a sleepy look. “I’ll love you forever, if you carry me to bed now and help me relax.”
Jin didn’t reject the kiss, as Kazuya leaned in. He let it happen, closed his eyes. And knew he was being weak again. “I thought you’d love me forever already.”
Kazuya laughed into their kiss. “I remember something like that. You could carry me to bed then, however.”
Jin framed Kazuya’s face, looked into his exhausted face. He knew he should try to help Kazuya relax and let him get a good portion of sleep to get rid of those dark shadows beneath his eyes. Yet, he couldn’t let it slip again.
“We need to talk, Kazuya.”
Kazuya tried his best with a pout. “I thought if I acted a bit spoilt, you would really do it.”
“You don’t even like me carrying you around.”
“It’s okay on days I feel too dead to even walk to my bed. I’d really appreciate it.”
Jin laughed, put his forehead to Kazuya’s. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Why?”
Jin took Kazuya’s hand, pulled him into the living room. “You’re acting strange.”
“Because I ask you to carry me to…”
“You’re not a girl, Kazuya”, Jin interrupted and made him sit down. “You usually don’t act like this.”
Kazuya sighed and leaned back. “Sorry. I just go to bed then.”
Jin rose and glared down at Kazuya, blocking his way. “You don’t go anywhere, before I haven’t gotten you to tell me what the hell is going on.”
Kazuya frowned at him.
“You don’t answer my calls, you ignore my mails, you don’t contact me anymore.” Jin shrugged his shoulders. “Why?”
“I am just busy.”
“You’ve always been busy and yet managed to answer a mail or call me back. Don’t kid me.”
Kazuya looked down, his facial expression turning indifferent, so that Jin couldn’t read it. “I think I wanted to avoid exactly this.”
“Kazuya…”
“Can’t we just pretend everything was fine and you carry me to bed now and we have sex and forget about this?”
Jin stared at him for a moment, then he took a step away. “I wouldn’t want to have sex with you right now.”
Kazuya lifted his head, gave him a quick glance.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jin kneeled down, to look at Kazuya’s face. “Why are you like this? Why do you try to reduce us to that?”
Kazuya bit his lip like he always did when he didn’t know how to get out of an unpleasant situation.
Jin took his hands and squeezed them lightly. “Why do you avoid me? Why won’t you talk to me?” He laced their fingers lightly, tried to make Kazuya look up at him. “Weren’t you the one who demanded to spend every night together? So, why didn’t you show up last night? You knew I was waiting for you.”
Because he was afraid. Kazuya turned his look to Jin’s eyes, read the desperation in them. “I’m sorry.”
Jin still didn’t know what was going on, but he could see that it troubled Kazuya, that he struggled with his own self.
“I’ve wanted to tell you something for a while now, Kazuya”, Jin said quietly. “But you didn’t really give me a chance to. So, just listen to me now, okay?”
Kazuya didn’t say a word, but his hands in Jin’s tensed.
“Do you remember how I called you when it was decided that I would go back to L.A?” As Jin didn’t receive an answer, he felt his courage drop, but he still continued. Of course, Kazuya remembered. “I was scared to tell you. Because I didn’t want to leave you behind. I didn’t want to go anywhere without you.”
“It was your chance”, Kazuya just answered. “You had to go.”
Jin nodded. “That didn’t make it any easier.”
Kazuya smiled slightly, trying to reassure Jin. “It’s fine, Jin. I am really not mad at you for leaving.” He made an attempt to get up. “Let’s go to bed now, okay?”
But Jin held him back, pushed Kazuya down to sit on the sofa again. “I told you to listen, didn’t I?”
Kazuya sat back, bit his lip.
“What I am trying to say is…” Jin swallowed and tried to read Kazuya’s face. “I had a talk with Johnny and he… well, we…”
“Jin”, Kazuya said now and his voice was firm. He looked at Jin with clear eyes. “If you’re trying to tell me you’re going to leave the band, it’s okay. I already know.”
Jin stared at him for a good ten seconds. He opened his mouth, closed it again. And just stared, while Kazuya calmly observed him. “You know already?”
Kazuya shrugged a shoulder. “We all do.”
Jin got up and stormed through the room, raging. “I can’t believe that. I told him not to talk to you about this. I told him to let me do it.”
Kazuya kept silent, only watched Jin. His hands were slightly shaking and he felt his blood rushing through his body, his pulse racing up.
“I told him it wouldn’t be fair if you guys would be told by the managers, so I said I would want to talk about that with you myself. I can’t believe it.” Jin threw his hands up, lowered them again and Kazuya had the impression he wanted to take something and throw it against the wall.
Then, Jin turned to him again and his eyes were calmer again, his look so very hurt. “Kazuya”, he said quietly and got over to him again. “I din’t want it to happen like this again. I wanted to tell you by myself this time. Not just over the phone or in a hurry, before anyone else could do it. I wanted to properly tell you.”
“I know”, Kazuya said and his lips felt so numb. “That’s why I didn’t react to any of your attempts.”
Jin got over to him, kneeled down again and made Kazuya look at him. “I’m sorry. Really.”
Kazuya just shook his head, felt a lump in his throat that was making it hard to breathe. “It’s not your fault.”
“Kazuya”, Jin murmured and he gripped Kazuya’s hands again, holding them warm in his. “You musn’t believe I asked for that. I never did. I never asked to leave the band.”
“Why would you”, Kazuya asked in a weak voice.
“He made me. He told me to leave. You musn’t believe that it was my decision, okay? You musn’t!” Jin looked at Kazuya with pleading eyes and held his hands firmly.
Kazuya thought it was tearing his heart apart, as he saw that look. “I know”, he said and tried to sound calm and collected. “I know you’d have never asked for that.”
Jin let go of his breath, relief washing over him.
“I did.”
For a moment, Jin didn’t actually grasp what Kazuya was talking about, then realisation hit him and he felt all blood rushing from his head.
“You did what”, he asked nevertheless.
“I asked him to remove you from the band.”
“That’s not true”, Jin automatically anwered.
“Why would I make up a lie like that”, Kazuya countered and avoided looking at Jin directly. Jin drew back, letting go of Kazuya’s hands and he realised, he wanted to reach out again and take Jin’s. This way, they suddenly seemed so far apart already.
“Why?” Jin took a trembling breath, still too shocked with those words to give an actual reaction.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Kazuya got up now. He couldn’t take having Jin stare at him in that way. Unbelieving and hurt.
“Is it?”
“It is unfair. You can’t just leave everything behind for so long and expect to just come back whenever you feel like it.” Kazuya swallowed thickly, before he turned. “I can’t let you act that selfishly.”
“You…” Jin was obviously at a loss for words. “Do you do that on purpose?”
Kazuya wanted to go over and just hold Jin; he looked so lost and helpless right now. “What do you mean?”
“Hurting me”, Jin answered. “Do you hurt me on purpose?”
“It’s not about hurting you”, Kazuya answered and ran a hand over his face. “It’s about doing the right thing.”
“That’s why you never said you don’t want me to leave.” Jin sat down, feeling too tired to stand any longer. “Or why you didn’t contact me, never answered my calls.”
Kazuya observed Jin, stayed where he was. Just hearing Jin voicing such thoughts made him feeling sick. He never wanted Jin to feel unloved, but Kazuya hadn’t had another chance.
He was the worst.
“You never wanted us to stay together in the first place.”
He had almost reached the point, Kazuya thought, as he felt his heart drop hearing those words. They made everything sound so final.
Jin would leave him.
For doing something like this to him, for realising Kazuya had betrayed him like that, Jin would leave him.
It was best that way; he had thought it over serveral times.
Jin raised his head and gave Kazuya a sharp look. “You should at least try to tell me I’m wrong.”
“You are, but that wouldn’t change a thing.”
Jin waited, then he got up again and Kazuya felt his heart beat racing up, as Jin stopped right in front of him, just inches apart. His eyes keenly looked at Kazuya’s.
He would have been able to handle Jin’s anger, rage, mean words, but this cold look was making Kazuya helpless and clueless.
What should he do? How should he react?
“You just do it over and over again”, Jin growled and he didn’t take his eyes from Kazuya’s face for a single second.
Raising his look, Kazuya didn’t dare to meet those eyes.
“You ignore me, betray me and then act as if everything was fine until I find out.”
“Jin”, Kazuya murmured, his look hurt. “No.”
“You asked for my removal from the band, without talking to me first, Kazuya”, Jin said, louder now. “What is that, if not a betrayal?”
“I couldn’t leave it like that”, Kazuya just answered.
“You could have talked it through with me first, though.” Jin clicked his tongue and turned away from Kazuya. “If you had told me about how you feel, I would have taken that step myself.”
“You would not have done that.” Kazuya’s voice sounded firm now. That one fact, he was certain about. “You would not have left the band yourself.”
Jin glanced at him, his look still cold.
“I know that you didn’t want to be in the band anymore, but you didn’t have the guts to take that step yourself.” Kazuya shrugged a shoulder. “Staying in the band was not what you wanted, but it was safer.”
Jin kept silent to that. He knew Kazuya was right with that. He had been dissatisfied with how things had been going; he had wanted to leave the band. But, he had stayed for more reasons than just that one.
“You see, Jin”, Kazuya went on, making a helpless gesture. “We don’t share the same goal anymore.”
Jin lifted a brow. “We don’t?”
“I realised when you left for the first time, when you said goodbye. Do you remember what you said to me?” Kazuya smiled bitterly. Instead of promising not to forget about him, to never stop loving him; instead of telling Kazuya how much he loved him, Jin had said those few simple words. “You said you would open up as many doors as possible for us.”
Jin nodded. “I meant it.”
“But we don’t want that.”
Jin stared at him for a moment, then he snoreted. “What the hell?”
“It’s not about writing our own songs and become famous worldwide and make everyone listen to us”, Kazuya cleared up and sighed. “I am okay with singing songs I haven’t written myself. I am okay with being an idol.”
“It’s not like I wasn’t.”
“Oh, it is.”
Jin frowned. “That doesn’t change the facts, though, Kazuya.” He was calmer now, even though those words hurt. “It doesn’t change that you acted on your own, when you should have talked to me first. I am a part of the band, as well.”
“Not anymore”, Kazuya corrected him coldly.
Jin stared at him for a moment, then his expression got bitter and he buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am. Johnny talked to you, didn’t he? You’re going to be removed from the band.”
“Why are you doing that, Kazuya?” Jin ran a hand over his face and he looked tired, hurt and exhausted.
“Because I have to think of this band. It’s all that’s left for me.” Kazuya answered calmly, his voice indifferent. He had prepared for this moment for so long already, it didn’t feel real anymore.
“You should have talked to me”, Jin just said once again.
“It was better this way.”
“Why? Because this way, you had a chance of paying me back for leaving you behind?”
Kazuya shrugged a shoulder. “It’s not that I want to hurt you on purpose.”
“You still do it very successfully.”
“It’s best for the band.”
Jin took a brisk step forward and felt satisfied seeing Kazuya’s eyes widen. “Stop talking about that damn band and think of us for once!”
Kazuya bit his lip again and Jin could see his uncertainess. “What I decide for the band has nothing to do with us, Jin.”
“Without that band there wouldn’t even be any ‘us’”, Jin corrected him harshly.
“You don’t get that”, Kazuya tried to explain. “What I decide for you as a member of the band has nothing to do with what I feel for you as the one I love.”
“I pretty much doubt that there is a me you love at this time.” Jin tried to laugh about that, but it sounded rather miserable. “I just don’t get why you want to hurt me so badly on purpose.”
“I told you it’s not on purpose.” Kazuya swallowed thickly. He hadn’t thought it would be that hurting to go through this conversation. But he wasn’t done yet.
“There is only me, Kazuya. No matter what part of me you see or which part of me you don’t want to see, when you make a decision. In the end, there is only me; only this one me who is in love with you, with every part of you.”
Kazuya just stared at him, his cheeks turning pale.
“I’m in love with the guy who stands next to me on stage and I am in love with the guy who puts up a picture of us cuddling next to his bed. There’s only you, Kazuya, no matter what you do or where you go.” Jin grabbed Kazuya’s shoulders and slightly shook him. “And just like that there is only me, Kazuya. The member of the band you make decisions for is the same as the one who stands here right now and is getting his heart broken. You’re seriously hurting me. And you know you do; you knew it all along.”
“I’m sorry”, Kazuya choked out.
“Don’t try to tell me it has nothing to do with me leaving, with us being seperated for such a long time.” Jin took a deep breath. “Did you lie when you said you missed me?”
Kazuya just shook his head slowly, his eyes glued to the ground.
“Did you plan to break up?”
Biting his lip, Kazuya didn’t react.
“I thought after everything that happened nothing could shake us up anymore.” Jin’s voice sounded rather tired than angry now. He let go of Kazuya’s shoulders.
“You’ll realise you don’t mean it”, Kazuya answered him slowly and lifted his head. “I don’t want this to be a slow progress of us growing apart.”
“Who said we’d grow apart?”
“Our relationship runs on writing mails”, Kazuya just said. “Didn’t you see how we don’t function anymore?”
Jin had noticed that, of course. But he had wanted to believe they would get everything back into order. With just a little more time. “I did.”
“And doesn’t it make you feel uneasy?”
Jin shrugged a shoulder.
“I know you, Jin. You hold on to us now, but time after time you’ll realise you don’t really mean it.”
The silence formed a huge gap between them after that and Jin didn’t answer for the longest time.
It was probably right; everything Kazuya had said. But that didn’t mean he would give in to that; would give up that easily.
Jin grabbed his key from the table; the red and gold charm clattered against the metal and caught Kazuya’s attention.
“Jin…”
“I’m leaving”, Jin just said and didn’t turn on his way to the front door.
This was the moment, Kazuya thought and he felt strangely not as crushed as he had thought, as he had expected to feel. Instead, his heart felt like it was fisted, clenched.
At the door, Jin got into his boots and he turned again, saw Kazuya staying in the doorway to the living room. “You don’t know my mind, Kazuya”, he said quietly. “Not at all.”
Kazuya took a tentative step forward, despair in his eyes. Jin opened the door and he went outside, before he threw a last glance back.
“If you did, you would know that you’re on it all the time.”
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CONTINUES HERE
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.... *sighs* I couldn't resist the drama once again. Sorry!!
Thank you so very much for reading ♥