More than a Feeling /// Kamen Sequel /// Part 2 (Oneshot)
banner by naomi0211 ♥
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings... How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
A/N#3: This is a sequel story to Kamen, Another Feeling and Forgotten Feelings. It's not entirely needed to have read those, but I'd still recomment it.
The only part you really should have read before reading this, is the short Akame drabble in this post. Thank you :)
LJ is being a bitch again, making it very hard to update a decent post. I hope everything is in order now and looks fine. If not... sorry ^^;
Many, many lovely thanks to nana_lytama , because she helped me out with this and read it over for me :) Thank you, honey <3
So, the drama is not yet there, but the angst is coming in huge, huge steps!
Please enjoy it ♥
Continues from HERE
It was raining, when Jin woke up.
He felt stiff and sat up with a groan, before he stretched. The bed next to him was empty, just as it had been when he had fallen asleep.
But a nice scent filled the room and Jin knew it meant Kazuya was home. Coffee and shampoo, and from another room Jin could hear quiet pop music.
He closed his eyes, feeling relieved that Kazuya was not running away from meeting him.
Jin swung his legs out of bed and as he wanted to get up, he noticed something on the night stand and he froze.
Kazuya had put up a picture that hadn’t ever been there before.
It showed them, not too long ago; Jin remembered Kazuya had taken it with his mobile phone. They lay in bed, their chests bare and Jin’s head was resting on Kazuya’s shoulder, his eyes closed. Kazuya had his lips pressed to Jin’s hair, his eyes half-lidded, almost closed, his arm securely wound around Jin’s shoulders. His hand was loosely placed on Jin’s upper arm.
It couldn’t look any more loving, Jin thought and took the frame; the expression in Kazuya’s face, the way he held Jin, it was just so perfectly loving.
Jin felt safe and warm by only looking at it.
Putting it back, he got up and strolled out of the room, looking for Kazuya. Jin found him in the kitchen, his hair wet and feet bare. He had a mug in one hand, his look fixed on the papers he read.
Jin stood for a moment and observed Kazuya, before he made himself remarkable and went over to the table, taking the seat across from Kazuya.
The younger one looked up and gave him an apparently rather calm look, in Jin’s mind.
“You have that horrible picture put up next to your bed”, Jin commented. He decided to test first what mood Kazuya was in, if what was standing between them would surface right away or if Kazuya wasnted to avoid talking about it.
Kazuya shrugged a shoulder and looked at the paper again. “I like it.”
“You have a picture of us cuddling next to your bed.”
“That’s what people do when they are seperated from their lovers”, Kazuya calmly answerd that. “Putting up pictures of nice moments with them.”
Jin fell silent to that. “When did you come back?”
“Just about an hour ago.”
“You could have woken me up.”
Kazuya shrugged, looked up again, before he took a sip from his tea. “I thought you’d need the sleep.”
“I could go straight back to that, yeah.” As if to demonstrate it, Jin yawned.
Kazuya smiled slightly. “You can join me then. Because I definitely need some sleep now.” He got up and folded the newspaper, then put his mug to the sink.
Jin watched him, the slow moves.
He had lost weight again, his face looked exhausted and tired, strained even. Jin could see Kazuya’s muscles working under the thin fabric of the shirt he wore and that just showed he was once again nothing but bones and skin.
When Kazuya turned to leave the room, Jin just reached out his hand and gripped his wrist, pulling him back.
Kazuya didn’t resist, he let Jin pull him in, an arm coming around his waist, Jin’s head resting against Kazuya’s stomach.
They stayed like that for a moment and Kazuya raised his free hand, ran it up Jin’s shoulder and neck into the messy brown locks.
“It’s gotten pretty long”, Kazuya said quietly then.
“Hm?” Jin closed his eyes, enjoying being so close.
“Your hair. You’ve grown it pretty long, since we last met.”
Jin smiled slightly. “That’s not so long ago.”
“I know”, Kazuya answered and struggled out of Jin’s grip to slide into his lap. “It feels like that, though.”
Jin gave him a single look, shiftig to adjust himself and pulled his arms around Kazuya’s waist again. He just opened his mouth to say something, when Kazuya leaned in, buried his face at Jin’s neck.
“I really missed you, Jin.”
Whatever he just had had on his mind, it was blown away in that second. Jin tightened his grip around Kazuya, pulled him closer.
He didn’t want to talk about any serious matter, when all he needed and wanted was exactly where it belonged.
“I missed you, too”, he answered and tilted his head to press a kiss to Kazuya’s temple.
“How long are you going to stay?” Kazuya nuzzled closer, let Jin hold him just exactly where he was. It felt right that way.
Being held again.
“How long do you want me to stay?”
Kazuya chuckled, drew away to look at Jin’s face. “I think they’d miss you at your concerts, if you didn’t show up.”
Jin looked slightly surprised. “You already know about that.”
“Only a shut-in didn’t hear about it, Jin”, Kazuya answered. Then, he leaned in and brushed his lips against Jin’s. It was subtle and brief, but silenced them, built up tension between them.
Jin’s hand ran down Kanzuya’s spine, as they both closed their eyes in the same moment. He parted his lips, let Kazuya’s close his over Jin’s bottom lip. Kazuya gently nipped it, before he tilted his head and ran his tongue over the smooth flesh.
He shifted in Jin’s lap and sighed into the kiss, let Jin slide his tongue between Kazuya’s lips, nudging it with his own. They both got breathless in the process, their tongues entwined, lips firm against each other’s.
The only sounds heard were the cheerful pop song from the radio muffled by the sound of heavy rain against the window glass. From time to time a pleasant moan or sigh made its way in, breaking the monotonous sounds.
Jin pressed Kazuya back against the table, lowered his head to run his lips over the soft skin of Kazuya’s jaw and neck, while his hands slipped beneath the thin shirt.
“This was harder than I had expected”, Kazuya murmured and closed his eyes, his hands running through Jin’s hair.
“What? Kissing me?” Jin didn’t stop devouring Kazuya’s skin at his neck, licking the red spot he had just made.
Kazuya laughed breathlessly and tilted his head back to give Jin more space. “Being without you.”
Jin looked up upon hearing that. With his head laid back, his lips parted and swollen from their kiss, Kazuya looked more sensual than Jin could take and yet, those words made him stop.
“I thought it would just be like last time. But back then, we were different”, Kazuya explained and brushed a few strands from Jin’s face, looking at him. “We weren’t lovers back then. Missing you was different from this, working without you was different; just that feeling of being incomplete.”
Jin stared at him and his lips parted. His hands at Kazuya’s back were going limp.
“It was so intense this time.” Kazuya made a helpless gesture and shrugged his shoulders. “I found that I hate sleeping alone.”
“What…?” Jin swallowed thickly. “Are you saying…?”
Kazuya pecked Jin’s lips to silence him. “Don’t make stupid assumptions.”
Jin let go of his breath and tilted his head forwards, putting it to Kazuya’s shoulder. “We’re both not made for a long-distance relationship.”
Kazuya nodded. “It’s pretty hard.”
“We’ll manage. It’s not for long.”
Kazuya didn’t answer that, he nuzzled his cheek against Jin’s hair instead and ran his hands up Jin’s spine. “However long you stay this time, you have to spend every night with me, okay?”
Jin nodded, tightening his grip around Kazuya’s waist. It was rare for Kazuya to act spoiled, to be demanding. “Every free second I have is yours.”
Not moving, they remained like that for a little longer; then Jin drew back and kissed Kazuya again, made them both sink into it, as they couldn’t get enough of the sensation.
“Let’s go back to bed”, he murmured, when he had Kazuya almost sprawled out on the table. “It’s much more comfortable there.”
Kazuya laughed and let Jin help him to his feet, taking his hand, as they made their way over to the bedroom.
If things simply stayed as they were right now, Kazuya thought there wouldn’t ever be anything to worry about.
However, apparently the good things never lasted for too long.
Kazuya ran a hand over his forehead, massaging the frown between his brows away, as he walked into the office.
They had practical training today, having the second part of their tour start rather soon. It was stressful with recordings for TV shows and everything they had to get done is the short amount of time.
Kazuya wouldn’t actually have much time for Jin.
He rounded a corner and first got into the restroom he passed. Inside, Kazuya adjusted the shawl around his neck, ignoring the thought that people would find it strange he wore one in summer. Tugging the fabric lightly down, he found several love bites covering his neck.
Running his finger over them, Kazuya remained staring for a little longer.
They had woken up on different sites of the bed this morning.
It had been strange and probably the first backlash to his hope of everything being fine. After all, things weren’t perfect, not the way they had been before.
Everything changed and with those changes, Kazuya had to accept that he and Jin changed, too.
They hadn’t spent a night together in almost a month and it seemed both of them had gotten used to sleeping alone.
“What are you doing there, so far away?” Jin had taken it easy, had pulled Kazuya back into his arms.
Kazuya would have liked to tell Jin that he was just as far away, but he could not have brought himself to speak up, so he had just cuddled up to Jin, had desperately tried to get rid of the hurting feelings inside him.
Jin had soothed that feeling later while they had had breakfast together, telling Kazuya that it was only natural and that next morning, they’d wake up all over each other again.
Just as they always had.
Kazuya couldn’t point out why, but he doubted it.
What had always been was gone, they had to get used to the new situation, the new circumstances, the new feelings.
Leaving the reastroom, Kazuya rolled his shoulders, let go of a sigh.
At least, his physical condition hadn’t been that good in a long time. He hadn’t felt as relaxed as now in the past few weeks.
He entered the dressing room and put his bag into a locker, before he made his way into the training hall.
The others were already there, turning their heads as he came in.
“Morning”, Kazuya greeted them cheerfully and sat down on the floor, starting to stretch.
Koki came over and grinend, dropping next to Kazuya. “Now look, who’s gotten laid last night.”
Kazuya stopped his movements and stared at Koki.
“You’re looking so relaxed and loose, the reason for that can only be good sex”, Koki explained and got a slap on his head for that.
Kazuya blushed slightly, picking up his stretching again. “You and your stupid theories.”
“I’m pretty sure he’s right”, Ueda barged in from the other side of the room.
Kazuya just wanted to answer, but he was distracted, when Nakamaru came in.
“Morning”, he said just as cheerfully as Kazuya had been before.
Koki threw him a suspicious look, eying Kazuya then.
“What”, the younger one asked and blinked.
“He’s so cheerful”, Koki just said.
Kazuya got what Koki was having in mind and slapped his head once again. “Don’t make stupid assumptions. It’s Nakamaru.”
Koki giggled and shrugged a shoulder. “Often, it’s the people you’ve known for the longest while.”
Nakamaru frowned and put his bottle of water to one of the chairs. “What are you talking about?”
“Nothing”, Kazuya said. “Absolutely nothing.”
Nakamaru shrugged his shoulders and turned to Ueda then, starting a conversation with him.
Kazuya looked at Koki again and glared, as he found his band mate grinning.
“Stop imagining that, Koki.”
Koki just laughed and shook his head, before they started the training.
Kazuya avoided him, whenever Jin tried to talk to him.
They did talk, just as they always had talked, about friends and work and trivial matters. They’d joke around, laugh together, or spend their time silently next to each other.
Whenever Jin tried to talk about Kazuya’s behaviour, though, the younger one was giving him a strange look, suddenly becoming nervous or clumsy, telling Jin he had to leave or that he had to make it in time to an appointment.
When Jin tried to bring up the matter at a time they were all alone and it was too late for Kazuya to have appointments or meetings, he would find himself being distracted.
“Let’s not talk about such things now”, Kazuya would always say and start to distract Jin.
And no matter how serious Jin was about talking about that matter, when Kazuya distracted him, he just wasn’t able to keep his mind together. Jin was really powerless to the way Kazuya ruled his body.
However, today Jin wouldn’t let Kazuya take over. And if he had to tie his lover up to a chair and gag him, Jin would not let Kazuya escape from it once more.
It was about time Jin found out what was going on, why Kazuya had not answered a single call or mail, before Jin had come back.
He couldn’t act as if everything was right now, as if nothing had happened.
Sure, Jin enjoyed it, too. Everything was just the way he wanted it. They were hornier than they’ve been in a long while, couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They were loving with each other, spent a lot of time cuddling and just kissing.
It felt safe and secure and just so right like that, but Jin knew they couldn’t push that one little problem aside.
Ignoring problems would just result in so much worse; they had been through that before.
Jin didn’t want to risk losing Kazuya ever again.
So, as he opened up the door to Kazuya’s flat, Jin was happy to see the light from the kitchen. It meant Kazuya was home, and if he was lucky, Kazuya was cooking for the two of them on top of that.
“Darling, I’m home”, he said jokingly, as he stepped into the doorway and froze right there, staring at the picture in front of him.
Kazuya was sitting at the table, not standing at the stove as Jin had predicted it and he was holding a glass of wine.
Uchi was sitting across from him, giving Jin an indignant look, while Tegoshi next to him just stared blankly and surprised.
Kazuya put his glass down and slowly got up, his expression clearly troubled. “Did I leave the door open?”
Jin thought it was a stupid try to cover them up, since he obviously held a key in his hand. Uchi wasn’t the problem; he had known about them for a long while now, but Tegoshi didn’t and he really shouldn’t.
Jin didn’t trust him to keep silent about it.
“Does Akanishi walk in and out your flat as he pleases?” Tegoshi frowned deeply.
“I have a key to supply that want”, Jin just answered and got an angry look from Kazuya for that.
“Oh”, Tegoshi said and his eyes widened. “Oh.”
Kazuya tried to ignore that Tegoshi probably grasped a few too many facts right there. “What are you doing here, Jin?”
Jin tilted his head, wondering what he should answer. Work is done, I’m coming home was probably not what Kazuya wanted to hear.
“Sorry”, he said instead and turned on his heels. “I thought I’d grab some food at yours. I couldn’t know you were having guests.”
Kazuya followed Jin to the door and threw a look back over his shoulder, before he lowered his voice. “Crap, Jin. Crap.”
“What?” Jin whispered, too. “Uchi most likely told it everyone already.”
“He didn’t. Now, Tegoshi…”
“Forget it”, Jin murmured.
“You better just leave.” Kazuya threw another look back.
“Then…” Jin quickly leaned in and pecked Kazuya’s lips. “Come to my place later tonight.” Jin ran a finger over Kazuya’s cheek, before he turned with a smile and left the flat.
Kazuya remained for a moment longer, took a deep breath and then went back.
“Are you a couple”, Tegoshi asked blankly, as soon as Kazuya was back in the room.
“We’ve been friends for forever”, Kazuya just answered, trying to keep his indifferent mask and look amused by Tegoshi’s question. “For the time he’s not here, I take care of his flat, too. We just … help each other out.”
“Ah, I see”, Tegoshi said and nodded, picking up his glass. “He seemed so…”, he apparently searched for the right words, “… at home.”
“Ryo’s the same at my place”, Uchi threw in and picked another piece of pasta from his plate. “He acts like he’s at home there.”
Tegoshi made a surprised face. “I didn’t know.”
Kazuya dropped the topic, starting a new one and and mentally thanked Uchi for bringing that up, even if it probably had been a lie.
Tegoshi left first and Kazuya hesitated at the door, before he went back to the kitchen, where Uchi was waiting.
They were both silent, awkward with the situation, since they both couldn’t handle well being left all alone. After everything that had happened previously, it was a huge step staying friends.
Kazuya didn’t want to have a spoilt relationship to any of his colleagues.
That’s why he had invited Uchi over today. With Tegoshi around, it was easy to talk normally and pretend nothing had ever happened.
But alone with Uchi, Kazuya felt uneasy.
“Did anything happen with Jin?”
Kazuya raised his head and gave Uchi a puzzled look, as he took the plates from the table.
“This is nothing that would normally happen”, Uchi continued. “Him not knowing how you spend your evening and risking uncovering what is going on between the both of you.”
Kazuya watched him for a moment, then he turned and put the plates to the sink. “Nothing’s happened.”
Uchi fell silent to that and helped Kazuya clearing the table. He gave him sorrowful looks from time to time, before he took the bottle of wine and refilled their glasses.
Kazuya lifted a brow, because he had expected Uchi to leave, after kindly helping out, but it seemed Uchi didn’t think of leaving yet.
“Sorry”, Uchi said and smiled, holding out the glass for Kazuya. “I just think you’d need someone to talk.”
Kazuya waited for a moment, then he accepted the glass and went ahead to his living room. “There’s not really something to talk about.”
Uchi sat down first, waited in silence for Kazuya to go on.
“I’m afraid you’re just waiting for me to say things between Jin and me are going downhill, but I can’t say that.”
“You two seemed off earlier”, Uchi just said. “Usually, I had the impression you’d two understand each other without words.”
Kazuya smiled slightly, stood in front of the huge window of his living room. The city was sparkling in colourful and vivid lights. “We do.”
“Then, why don’t you let him?”
He turned to Uchi and looked slightly surprised. “Why do you assume I wouldn’t?”
“Because he’s the same as always”, Uchi answered with a shrug of his shoulders. “You are the one who seems… locked.”
Kazuya frowned. “How do you mean that?”
“It seems like you try to shut him out of your life on purpose.”
“You can tell that from that one minute you’ve seen us together?”
Uchi smiled. “You suddenly want to meet up with me; that’s already strange enough.”
Kazuya looked down. “He told me to.”
“I doubt that”, Uchi laughed it off.
“No, he did. Before he left, he told me to hold on to that; to the friendship I built with you and Tegoshi and the others.”
Uchi looked at him in surprise, blinked his eyes.
“He knows you’re not actually a bad guy”, Kazuya continued and turned back to the view. “Jin doesn’t dislike you. He dislikes the idea of you trying to take me away from him, but he also knows that you honestly care for me.”
“You make him look way too pure and good.” Uchi leaned back, took a huge sip of his wine.
Kazuya remained silent to that for a moment, then he shook his head. “I don’t. That’s what Jin is like. It’s not about being pure or good. He is pretty plain.”
“Plain?”
“He is not thinking too deeply about things like I am. He takes them as they are and he accepts them that way. What’s good is good, what’s bad is bad.” Kazuya smiled. “It’s easy.”
“So, you didn’t meet me in all the while he wasn’t around, but now you suddenly do that he’s back?” Uchi got up again, walking over. “That’s strange, Kame.”
“Nothing’s happening, though”, Kazuya answered. “I had dinner with friends.”
“And he just suddenly ran into it”, Uchi pointed out with a frown. “Don’t kid me.”
“He’ll wonder about this”, Kazuya answered.
“Why would you want him to wonder?”
“Because things just change.” Kazuya sipped from his wine, looked at the city with an indifferent mask. “We change and he needs to acknowledge that.”
Uchi fell silent for a moment. “He’s leaving the band”, he realised then.
Kazuya only nodded.
“He decided to leave the band and in return you’re going to leave him?”
Kazuya laughed slightly, shook his head. “I wouldn’t leave him. But I already started to take a distance. He’ll notice what’s wrong, that we don’t function the way we used to and…” He fell silent, pressed his lips together, as if even just saying it would seal it already. “He’ll be the one to take that step.”
Uchi put his glass to the table and shoved his hands into his pockets, observing Kazuya for a while.
“You’re really naïve.”
Kazuya turned and gave him a slightly puzzled look.
“Didn’t you just tell me about Jin being plain? He is and that’s why you won’t get him to that point.” Uchi made his way over to the door. “I looked into his eyes, when he said he wouldn’t let you go and I can tell you, by having let go of you once he learned that no matter the obstacles, he better won’t ever do it again.”
Kazuya stayed where he was and looked to the floor, Uchi’s words sinking into him.
“It’s plain like that for him. What’s good is good and there’s nothing in this world for him better than you.”
Uchi left him alone with that and Kazuya stayed, thinking about it.
About that one little fact he had probably really missed. But, Uchi didn’t know everything, didn’t know the whole story; so not everything he had said was right.
There was something that was better for Jin than Kazuya.
And Kazuya was sure Jin knew that just as well.
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CONTINUES HERE
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Thanks so very much for reading. I hope you all liked it :) Where is Kame leading?! Jin's not going to be amused.
I'll leave this open for the time being and probably do it just like for all my other fics and only lock it when it's complete.
Thank you so much ♥