If you could only see the roses ( Read more... )

T’was the night before Christmas. Having not prepared wholeheartedly for the affair, I myself was at a loss for words when a certain jingling did resonate down the chimney and through the hall, stirring me from my precarious slumber - its source the sleigh bells ( Read more... )

A lot of kids told me to go for a girl like Kate. ‘Cause she’s a sure thing. But that’s not a good idea. I want a really pretty girl like Jenny. That’s why I’m gonna ask out Jenny. ‘Cause Jenny’s a really pretty girl. And I heard she went to second base with Tommy Sheppard. I think I can get her to third base ( Read more... )

As salty as they are, the stoned wheat thins can’t keep me from cheating on my wife. Therapist said I should use them as, like a distraction when I get the hankering for some extra-marital action but, Jerry… there’s no cracker salty enough to sate my lust. When I see them ‘lil chicas at the pool hall servin’ up potato skins and beer I’m tossin back ( Read more... )

To: Simon Cringle, Director of Sponsorship and Donations ( Read more... )

What days gone by! What utter disenchantment now. I sit as the mighty oak embroidered with the etchings of knives long since sheathed. It is the infinite howl of static parchment that drives me, ink as my rudder. I cut swiftly through the well-paced veneer of the drawing room floor. As the preemptive grave robbers pillage and burgle and upturn but ( Read more... )

I would never had admitted this unless it was 100% confidentially to you. But now that you know, I feel… I don’t know how to say it. Lighter. It’s a relief to share this with someone. What’s funny is I never expected it would be you I would tell ( Read more... )

It’s not easy being the older sister of a confessed homosexual - when I come home, I never know whether or not my clothes are going to be where I left them, I’m routinely assailed with the hormonal buzzing of rhythm and blues, and every once in a while my tampons go missing. I can’t explain that ( Read more... )

Professor Bear lives with a family called the Thompsons. The Tompsons are wasps (they are not wasps, they are people, but they are wasp people. They are people who are wasps) and the professor is… well, a bear. A Kodiak, let’s say. Almost as notorious for his knack for mischief as he is for his trademark roar upon indictment, Bear finds himself ( Read more... )

As a barber I find it’s imperative to cut off the tops of my clients heads and keep them as souvenirs. There’s a saying in the chop business: “A barber’s only as good as his hair,” and I stand by this motto ( Read more... )