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If anyone ever reads my journal one day please realize that most of the bad thoughts I write in here are the ones I dont want to hold on to in my head anymore and the good ones are the ones I want to remember forever.
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I deserve to die. There is nothing about me thats worth fighting for. Everyone one in my life including me has proven that.
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Things we could miss one day
Omg, my husband talks so much!! I just listened to him about money for 60 min without getting more then a sentence in. He does this daily, about everything. Politics, law, policy, cartoons, video games. He doesn't know how to make it short and simple. Makes me giggle and grrr on the inside.
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My mom told me again she wants to kill herself. She is giving up. 10 years of dr.s prescribing her all the drugs in the world and she still not better. She wants to end it and not make us her problem anymore. 10 years of panic attacks, and drugs and now she is blaming us that we are not there for her. She is a hypochondriac who cant remember ( Read more... ) -
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I always found myself to be different than other people. I like rainy and cloudy days. I like being in the dark or in the shade. I like being quiet and to myself. And I always like giving people the benefit of the doubt as much as I can. I believe there is kindness and greatness. I am a shadow that carries hope with me. I like the songs that nobody ( Read more... ) -
Breath
I pretty much had stopped doing anything social since I lost one of my good friends over some b*******. I started to think that maybe I wasn't a really good friend and that people deserved better. I've never been really good at friends always just played it off will hey you're fat or your awkward or something along those lines. So basically I ( Read more... ) -
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I am feeling very alone today. Paul is gone...a lot. I have no friends(by choice). I can't deny it gets hard. On days like this its even harder. Been painting more which helps. I don't trust myself and others and feel like I am always saying the wrong stuff. I wish people could see I have a good heart and that was enough.
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I am a mom
Now there are tons of moms out there. If you think about every person that has ever lived on this planet started out because of one person. There mom. There are strong warrior moms, delicate flower moms, screaming mess moms and quite as a mouse moms. They have wiped butts, fixed injuries and held their breath when they see there son jump off ( Read more... ) -
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The morning is covered in a grey banket of clouds. Its like one big cloud that makes everything black and whites but most od all grey. Its soothing and relaxing on the eyes and therfore the soul.
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6 am..panic attack. Grr. Me and paul not right. Its like we are two puzzle pieces that dont fit. It feels horrible. My prince deserves better. I feel so unhealthy. Ive been stuck in this house for a long time. I feel like im killing myself and he is watching. I need a fucking hobbie like now! I feel lost more than ever. I dont get it. Im ( Read more... )