Mirror Mirror on the Wall: Chapter 11 - On Sam From Here Forward
From Here Forward:
Once Sam knew about the Yellow-Eyed Demon's focus on him he was no longer innocent, because, from the end of Season 1 on out, Sam knew what risks that presented to his family.
With knowledge, comes choice, and with choice comes not only power, but now also responsibility. As long as he was alive, Sam drew anyone around him into the path of the Yellow-Eyed Demon and the struggle against what he wanted from Sam. And now that Sam knew it, any harm that came to his family or anyone else in his circle of intimates was, to some degree, due to Sam's choices.
SAM: I need you to watch out for me.
DEAN: Yeah. I always do.
SAM: No, no, no. You have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever turn into something that I’m not, you have to kill me.
DEAN: Sam.
SAM: Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to.
DEAN: Yeah, well, Dad’s an ass. He never should’ve said anything. I mean, you don’t do that, you don’t lay that kind of crap on your kids.
SAM: No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies!
DEAN: Well, I’m not dying, okay? And neither are you. Come on.
Playthings
Not that other people weren't free to make their own choices.
SAM: So, basically, this demon is going after these kids for some reason, the same way it came for me? So, Mom’s death, Jessica, it’s all ‘cause of me?
DEAN: We don’t know that, Sam.
SAM: Oh, really, ‘cause I’d say we’re pretty damn sure, Dean.
DEAN: For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault.
SAM: Yeah, you’re right, it’s not my fault, but it’s my problem!
DEAN: No, it’s not your problem, it’s our problem!
Salvation
With this, just as Dean offered Sam a means of coping with his loss of innocence about the world, so does Dean offer a means of coping with his innocence about himself. Dean makes it very clear that he rejects Sam's assumption of any guilt or responsibility, whether survivor guilt or guilt for any sacrifice that Dean or his family might make for him in the future. Your concerns are my concerns. Your hurt is my hurt. Your pain is my pain. Your risk is my risk. For Dean, there was very little separation between his self and his family, and so the idea that Sam would feel individual responsibility makes little sense to him. He rejected it outright and offered the comfort of having Sam's back regardless of what the cost might be.
This, unlike Dean's offer of John the Hero to comfort Sam when he lost his innocence about the world, was sufficient for Sam. Sam could have rejected Dean's offer, gone far away on his own, instead he accepted it and found comfort in it.
JAKE: By the way, I appreciate what you’re doing here.
SAM: What am I doing?
JAKE: Keeping calm. Keeping them calm. Especially considering how freaked to hell you really are. I’ve been in some deep crap before myself. I know the look.
SAM: You want to know the truth? I’ve got this brother, right? And he’s always telling me how he’s going to watch out for me, how everything’s going to be okay. You know, kind of like I’ve been telling them.
All Hell Breaks Loose I
SAM: Look, Dean, I’ve tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can’t run from this. And you can’t protect me.
DEAN: Well, I can try.
SAM: Thanks for that.
Hunted
Just as Sam chose to commit himself to hunting once his view of why John did what he did changed, so, in allowing Dean a role in protecting him, did Sam accept that he was rightfully the object of "Keep Sam safe."
But at what price?
Did you sell your soul for me?
All Hell Breaks Loose II
We're cutting it close, I know, but we're going to get this done. I don't care what it takes. Dean, you're not going to go to Hell. I'm not going to let you. I swear. Everything's going to be okay.
No Rest for the Wicked
No Rest for the Wicked
I tried everything!
Lazarus Rising
Sam tried accepting being the object of "Keep Sam safe" when he was young because he thought he had no choice and ended up feeling helpless and in despair. Sam tried fighting against the fact that he was appropriately the object of "Keep Sam safe" in his adolescence only to discover that he was wrong. Sam tried accepting that he was appropriately the object of "Keep Sam safe" of his own volition in early adulthood, only to find that he was helpless to prevent the effects of that acceptance on his family.
What then is left?
Sammy, We Hardly Knew Ye
Once Dean made the crossroads deal and sold his soul for Sam, The Sam that Was, that young man in whom Dean was able to preserve the best of himself, died.
Sam could only be that part of Dean that retained something of his innocence, had a chance of being loved/seen, and was able to avoid treading that line between human and monster because he allowed Dean to protect him. He could only be the Sam That Was because of what Dean sacrificed for him.
Dean took the lead in killing things without pity and without concern for an innocence or inherent goodness in himself that he saw as already long gone. He protected Sam's well-being and protected his brother's opportunities to make connections with women that captured Sam's interest. Sam could only allow himself to be vulnerable, to take the risk and open himself to attack or betrayal or to allow pity to stay his hand because Dean watched over him.
Sam knew these things, these last remnants of his innocence made him vulnerable, because, with Dean's deal and later his death, Sam made the choice to put aside The Sam That Was.
He tells Dean as much:
SAM: Look, Dean, you're leaving, right? And I've got to stay here in this craphole of a world, alone. So, the way I see it, if I'm going to make it, if I'm going to fight this war after you're gone, then I got to change.
DEAN: Change into what?
SAM: Into you.
Malleus Mallificarum
And follows through:
Given up on longing for love.
"Well, look at you. Love 'em and leave 'em.'
Sex and Violence
Smart-ass Sam fronting with bravado.
I gotta tell you. You're one butt-ugly stripper.
Sex and Violence
No longer untainted by the hunting life.
DEAN: All right, then what, then? Hmm? What would Sammy wish for?
SAM: Lilith's head a plate, bloody.
Wishful Thinking
Dean's death functioned for Sam in much the same way that Mary's death functioned for John and Dean. Mary's murder shook John and Dean's view of the world and themselves down to the core and provided the impetus to sacrifice all parts of themselves but those that would serve the purpose of revenge and the safety of the family. Mary's death made the horror, the trauma and the potential of loss very real for them. So it was with Dean's death for Sam.
Dean is not Jess
Jess' death may have started Sam on the road of accepting his role as a hunter, but there is one major difference between Jess and Dean's deaths that seem to have a large influence on the impact that Dean's loss had on Sam.
Sam knew about the danger that both Jess and Dean were in beforehand. With Jess, Sam denied and minimized his knowledge.
Those nightmares you’ve been having of Jessica dying, screaming, burning, you had them for days before she died. Didn’t you? You were so desperate to ignore them, to believe they were just dreams. How could you ignore them like that? How could you leave her alone to die?
Bloody Mary
Where with Dean, Sam dedicated himself to saving him.
DEAN: It was a stupid frigging risk and you shouldn't have done it.
SAM: Shouldn't have done it? You're my brother, Dean, and no matter what you do I'm going to try to save you and I'm sure as hell not going to apologize for it.
Red Sky At Morning
And yet he still failed. Dean died and went to Hell.
Where once the purpose of the self-sacrifice that John had demanded of him was largely theoretical for Sam, with Dean's death he experienced the guilt and grief that he had felt with Jess, but now also the helplessness.
DEAN: Why do you trust her so much?
SAM: I told you.
DEAN: You've got to do better than that. Man, I'm not trying to pick a fight, here. I mean, I really want to understand. But I need to know more. I deserve to know more.
SAM: 'Cause, she saved my life.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Dean is Jess
As well, there is a commonality in Jess and Dean's death that seems to inform Sam's choices after his loss of Dean. In both, he attempted to avoid becoming something other than fully human. With Jess, he denied the possibility that the dreams he had were visions, and hence he was something other than fully human, that he had psychic abilities. With Dean, because his brother asked it of him, Sam denied taking up his psychic abilities. He acted as if he were fully human, holding tight onto that identity. Dean saw what Sam was as a choice; he could either be human or supernatural based upon his actions.
Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? How far from human?
Metamorphosis
Had Sam acknowledged what his visions implied about his true nature, perhaps he would have had a chance of saving Jess. Had Sam put aside Dean's wishes and taken up Ruby's offer of exploring his powers, perhaps he would have had a chance of saving Dean. But, in both cases, he did not. Sam made a choice. With knowledge, comes choice, and in its wake comes responsibility.
Both Jess and Dean made sacrifices to preserve Sam's humanity, but Sam, too, had to decide whether or not this was acceptable.
Back in the Box:
Dean's death put Sam right back in his box. He had sacrificed everything Dean would allow him to, and ended up with nothing.
In accepting Dean's protection, Sam held out hope that they had the power to avoid the risk of danger that his "destiny" brought on both himself and others. However, he did everything he knew to do and Dean still died in sacrifice to Sam's life and humanity. As long as Sam chose to live, he would bring people into danger no matter what he did to try to stop it. This was the lesson of Dean's death, that Sam could not escape the implications of who he was. No matter how much he tried to pretend he was human, he was not.
Am I supposed to go dark-side or something?
Hunted
I've got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean. I'm a whole new level of freak. And I'm just trying to take this curse and make something good out of it, because I have to.
Metamorphosis
Because of who he was, Sam drew evil into the path of those around him. No matter what he did about it, the cycle of powerlessness and death would continue on, and on, and on.
SAM: What if we could win?
DEAN: Win?
SAM: There was a way would just put an end to all of it.
DEAN: is there something going on you're not telling me?
SAM: No.
DEAN: Sammy?
SAM: No! Look, I'm just saying, I just wish there was a way we could go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake.
DEAN: Well the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen.
SAM: Yeah, guess you're right.
Criss Angel is a Douchebag
JAY: You sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother, and now he's dead, because I did the right thing. He offered me a gift and I just threw it back in his face. So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?
Criss Angel is a Douchebag
It's no coincidence, then, that it was at this point, after Dean's declaration that it would never be over and seeing and identifying Jay's regret, that Sam chose to take Ruby's offer up again.
SAM: Okay, I'm in
RUBY: What changed your mind
SAM: I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man.
Criss Angel is a Douchebag
Sam had done "the right thing" and lost Dean, just as he had done "the right" thing as a young boy, and followed his father's wishes. Both choices put Sam in a box, left him in a state of powerlessness which led to despair and self-destruction.
RUBY: You don't want to survive this.
SAM: C'mon.
RUBY: It's a kamikaze attack. You want to die fighting Lilith.
SAM: That's stupid.
RUBY: No, it's the truth, because if you kill her and survive this then you have to go on without your brother.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
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Next post in the series, Chapter 12: On Sam Out of the Box Redux
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Chapter 1: On the Siren's Call
Chapter 2: On John the Man
Chapter 3: On John the Father
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Chapter 4: On Dean The Motherless Child
Chapter 5: On Dean the Heart of the Family
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Chapter 6: On Sam Born of Love and Loss
Chapter 7: On Sam in the Box
Chapter 8: On Sam out of the Box
Chapter 9 : On Sam Captive on a Carousel of Time
Chapter 10: On Sam Power Can Be Taken, But Not Given
Chapter 11: On Sam From Here Forward
Chapter 12: On Sam Out of the Box Redux
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Chapter 13: On SamnDean Putting Away Childish Things
Chapter 14: On SamnDean Triangles are a Demon's Best Friend
Chapter 15: On SamnDean Stop the Carousel I Want to Get Off
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credit goes to
oxoniensis and marishna of summerskin for the screencaps