Mirror Mirror on the Wall: Chapter 14 - Triangles are a Demon's Best Friend
Triangulation
During times of extended separation, when Sam or Dean haven't been able to reconnect, for whatever reason, they've let other people in.
Route 666
Pilot
But only so far, and only for so long. Neither Dean nor Sam had a relationship with someone outside the family that was both emotionally present and open about all things at the same time. Dean was close with Cassie, but then opened up and revealed all the parts of who he was and Cassie broke the relationship off. When she accepted who he was, they reconnected, but only temporarily when Dean chose to go back to the road. Sam was close with Jess, long enough to seriously consider getting married, but never revealed large parts of who he was.
The only people with whom they could be both close and fully authentic have been "family," whether John or Bobby, and there are significant limits to how far either of these are allowed to operate with Sam and Dean.
How close anyone has been allowed to come to Sam and Dean tends follow the rules of triangulation. Triangulation occurs when a two-person relationship becomes uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe it's because the two people are in conflict and this makes them anxious about the security of their attachment to each other. Maybe it's because the two people are becoming way too close for one or both of the members of the relationship and it's scaring them. Whatever the cause, triangulation is the act of drawing a third person into the relationship whether physically or symbolically.
On the Family as a System and the Problem of Triangulation
Triangulation - Systemic and Structural Family Theories
For a more extreme example, Dean is shocked and horrified over the revelation that Sam is drinking demon blood, that this is the source of his increasing power. He calls Bobby. Dean and Bobby align themselves to intervene with Sam.
The Rapture
In another example, this time with John, Sam and his father engage in an escalating verbal battle over Sam's perception of John's indifference to Dean's plight in In My Time of Dying. Dean inserts himself into this two-person relationship that is in distress, pleading for them to stop and eventually shocking them into quitting the argument.
In My Time of Dying
Oh! And here's another one I just thought of: Dean and Amanda in After School Special hit it off and start becoming emotionally close as well as sexually intimate. This scares the crap out of Dean, so he pulls in another girl into the relationship - making out with her in the closet on school grounds, which serves to cool off his relationship with Amanda.
After School Special
And even more subtle: Sam and Jess fall in love. The possibility of losing Jess because of who he really is scares the crap out of him and so Sam hides, lies and misdirects attention whenever his family and past come up. But it's always there, this ghostly third person in the relationship that allows him to create an emotional distance that cools things off when they get too scary.
Pilot
I could go on and on, but I better stop there…. No, wait. There's just one more I just gotta do:
Sam gets worried about Dean's instant attachment to Gordon, so he calls Ellen to test out her reaction. Sam then refers to Ellen and her worries about Gordon as a means of pulling her symbolically into his and Dean's relationship in an attempt to shake Dean out of his uncritical acceptance of Gordon.
Bloodlust
*sits on hands* Okay, I'm done for real this time.
The way I think about it is that the triangle is the most stable form in architecture. It bears the load of the stress of the structure well. It functions in the same way in relationships, too. Two-person relationships can get pretty intense. There's always the need to manage just how intimate the relationship is, how close we are to one another in the face of daily stresses, conflicts and fears. Pulling in a third person, temporarily, tends to "let off steam," reduce the tension in the two-person relationship enough to allow it to continue - to not implode under the stress.
It's something we all do, but triangulation becomes a problem when it's overused, when it's used to the point of not addressing the source of conflict within the two-person relationship (e.g., a spouse focuses on a child in the family instead of dealing with their partner, or someone in the family becomes the perpetual peacemaker in between a hot and conflictual relationship, or a partner seeks out an emotionally/physically intimate relationship with a third person because of fears about getting too close to their partner).
Bobby constantly gets caught in a triangulation pattern between Sam and Dean. Because of how close he is to them, he has the best shot of supporting them and kicking their butts when they attempt to do something stupid.
He can be very effective when working to bring Sam and Dean back together.
Talk to the hand, ya idjits.
Tall Tales
Bobby ex machina
Sex and Violence
But he really hasn't been able to keep one of them going when the other is gone, because they just simply won't let him in far enough.
You know where I’ll be.
AHBL 2
He was quiet, real quiet. Then he just took off. Wouldn't return my calls. I tried to find him, but he didn't want to be found.
Lazarus Rising
I really sympathize with Bobby's helplessness. He can see they're hurting, but they just won't let him help. Sam and Dean most often pull Bobby in in the service of their own relationship, whether the professional one (as a source of information and collaboration) or the personal one (taking the heat off a troubled relationship). He serves a function for them, in some ways very much like a father would - soothing and redirecting a troubled sibling relationship. However, the relationship between Bobby and Dean or Bobby and Sam only goes so far as it doesn't threaten the two-person relationship between Sam and Dean. They put a stop to his interventions whenever it threatens the primary bond between brothers.
Even when Bobby challenges Dean to confront the fact that their demon-blood intervention may kill Sam, Dean comes back with his desire to preserve the attachment with his brother. He can remain emotionally attached to Sam if he does not become "a monster" even in death, because at least he will have preserved the Sam that he loves. If Sam changes, keeps going down his chosen path, he will become something that Dean will have a hard time loving, and he will lose his brother even if Sam is still alive.
DEAN: No, I'm not giving him demon blood. I won't do it.
BOBBY: And if he dies?
DEAN: Then at least he dies human. I would die for him in a second, but I won't let him do this to himself. I can't. I guess I found my line. I won't let my brother turn into a monster.
When the Levee Breaks
So, Bobby's heart is on the line in his relationships with Sam and Dean, but he has (much more reasonable, IMO) limits in what he'll do to preserve the relationships and is limited by what Sam and Dean will allow him to do. No wonder he turned to alcohol as a means of numbing the pain after Dean's death and Sam's abandonment.
Ruby has been the rare exception.
Initially, Sam let her in after Dean's death to function as a tool, a means by which he would achieve his ends.
SAM: You want me to use my psychic- whatever.
RUBY: Look, I know it spooks you.
SAM: Skip the speech, I'm ready. Let's go.
RUBY: Slow down there, cowboy.
SAM: Just tell me what I have to do.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
But, eventually, Sam let her in. Ruby has become more than a tool to Sam, progressing through stages of increasing trust and attachment.
Sam rejects Ruby's attempts to sympathize
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Sam allows Ruby to seduce him even though it obviously feels shameful
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Sam threatens Ruby when she steps outside her role as a tool to kill Lilith and end things.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Sam saves Ruby
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Sam defends Dean from Ruby
Metamorphosis
And he's is willing to risk her well-being in the fight against Alistair and shows little concern for her injuries.
Heaven and Hell
But Sam protects Ruby at the cost of Dean's trust
When the Levee Breaks
As of When the Levee Breaks, Ruby has become more of an emotional intimate, a partner.
When the Levee Breaks
Sam accepts/tolerates Ruby's attempts to sympathize.
When the Levee Breaks
Unlike Bobby, Ruby has been effective at taking over Dean's role in Sam's life.
How did she do this? By offering Sam the one thing he's never really had and longs for, without having to hide anything about who he is, being treated as someone who is not only not evil but has the potential for good, being truly seen and being offered acceptance.
MARY: But you, you have the power to turn it into a gift. You can use it against them. …
SAM: What's in me, Mom, it's -
MARY: Evil, and you know it.
SAM: What if it's stronger than me. Look at me. What if Dean's right
MARY: Dean can never know how strong you are.
When the Levee Breaks
RUBY: Your appetite's gotten much bigger.
SAM: What's that supposed to mean?
RUBY: Sam, relax. It's okay. It's good. Just means you're getting stronger, that's all. Means you're strong enough to kill Lilith…
SAM: Wait, so if Lilith is the only one who can break the final seal, if I get to her in time -
RUBY: Then Lucifer never busts out of his cage. Exactly.
When the Levee Breaks
The more Sam turned to exploring his supernatural abilities, the more it scared Dean, and the more Sam hid what he was doing in order to preserve Dean's regard for him. The more Sam lied and hid, the more grieved Dean became and doubtful of his brother's intentions, and so the greater the distance that grew between them. It was a self-perpetuating cycle that Ruby exploited by stepping into the vacuum created by the distance and offering what Dean did or could not.
But What If?
But what if Sam and Dean would have let other people in more easily? What if they challenged the mindset that John instilled in them that you can only count on family and all others are, to a greater or lesser degree, left on the outside of that wall? Would it have turned out differently?
If Dean had let Bobby comfort him and give him an alternate purpose in preventing the "end of the world, big" dangers that threatened, wouldn't he have been less likely to make his demon deal to bring Sam back? Would then Sam not have had to face his loss of Dean and all the implications for who he is and the effect he has on the people he loves?
If Sam hadn't turned aside Bobby's comfort, if instead Sam had sought Bobby's company, commiserating in their grief and re-affirming their emotional connections to what remained to them, wouldn't Sam have been less likely to take Ruby up on her offer?
Would that have been a good thing, or not?
Is Dean right? And Sam's dabbling in the demonic is inevitably going to end up making Sam a monster and that cost is too high, and so, yes, Dean should do everything in his power to stop him? Or is what Ruby is basing her appeal to Sam right? That Sam has the capacity to use this tragic part of himself for redemption, to set things right, and so he deserves acceptance for what he is? Or is there a middle ground someplace between the two? I have absolutely no idea, and I can't wait to find out. And that situation? Where the audience is balanced precariously atop a fence like that, is some damn fine storytelling.
~*~
And finally, the last chapter in the series: Chapter 15: Stop the Carousel I Want to Get Off
~*~
Chapter 1: On the Siren's Call
Chapter 2: On John the Man
Chapter 3: On John the Father
Chapter 4: On Dean - The Motherless Child
Chapter 5: On Dean the Heart of the Family
Chapter 6: On Sam - Born of Love and Loss
Chapter 7: On Sam in the Box
Chapter 8: On Sam out of the Box
Chapter 9 : On Sam Captive on a Carousel of Time
Chapter 10: On Sam Power Can Be Taken, But Not Given
Chapter 11: On Sam From Here Forward
Chapter 12: On Sam Out of the Box Redux
~*~
Chapter 13: Putting Away Childish Things
Chapter 14: Triangles are a Demon's Best Friend
Chapter 15: Stop the Carousel I Want to Get Off
~*~
credit goes to oxoniensis and marishna of summerskin for the screencaps