In which the sporkers listen to the music.
Title: Of Conception and Hearts
Author: PendragonU
Rating:
One for the MPreg which is never explained at all; one for the spontaneously-returning hearts; one for bad, bad romance that is bad; one for making the heartless scientists cry (in the fic, I mean--and when they saw it, too); one for the complete and total destruction of Vexen's character. Minus one because it's technically decent, and there's no smut--believe me, if there were, we'd be heading for Ansem territory.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia/XI/The Graceful Assassin; Vexen/IV/The Chilly Academic/Snowflake (Whyyyyyy?); Sesha and Shinen.
Full Species(es): Nemo (?) Amatorius Deficeror (Romantic FAILURE Nobody); Nemo (?) Amatorius Gravidus (Romantic Pregnant Nobody); Noncanonici Infantes (Noncanonical Babies).
Hair Color (include adjectives): pink (as canon); blond (as canon, and even masculine), 'pretty'.
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described (presumed as canon) ; 'blazing emerald'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Vexen is 'pale'. Also...you know what? Out of concern for his dignity, I won't repeat the part about what he's like in bed.
Special Possessions (if any): Hearts. Also, a uterus. DO NOT WANT.
Origin: Vexen's personal hell.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their credit cards and are using their identities.
Special Abilities: BEING PREGNANT. Also, having hearts for no apparent reason. Apparently it's catching. Oh, and Vexen is 'normally calm and collected'. Could've fooled me...
Other Annoying Traits: Crying. Gestating. Snuggling. Proposing. LOVING. Being misogynistic without actually having any female characters. Really, really pissing me off.
I Say/Notes: Um. Well. Marluxia occasionally has flashes of being in character and thrown off by the sheer WTFery. But Vexen...That...thing...has absolutely nothing in common with Vexen anymore. NOTHING. I'd say he was turned into a woman, except that if he were turned into a woman he wouldn't be like that either, and anyway that's an insult to women. This is pretty much everything I hate about badfic. Except for the grammar and spelling--I can read it just fine, but I wish I couldn't.
Please note that the ratings and such refer to the entire fic; the true fail takes a while to really kick in.
Part One: 'Discovery and Revelation'.
Part Two: 'Of Babies and Hearts'.
Part Three: 'The Father'.
Part Four: 'Surprise and Explanation'.
Part Five: 'How Do You Know!'.
Sample:
[Scene: The sporking theatre. Enter Marluxia, stage left. Enter Vexen, stage right.]
Marluxia: This is evidently not my week.
Vexen: Twice in a row? This is cruel and unusual.
Marluxia: You weren’t even in the last one.
Vexen: And while I of course hope this trend will continue, I seriously doubt it.
[Enter Xaldin, stage center.]
Xaldin: Well, it seems that the gang’s all here.
Vexen: If Naminé shows up, I’m leaving before I get sucked into the pedophilia.
Xaldin: I’m not sure she’s in the fic.
Marluxia: Good. Wait, how can you not be sure?
Xaldin: No one told me anything about this fic.
Vexen: Me…neither…ohshit. *ransacking front of theatre* There’s no summary either!
Marluxia: Can it possibly be that bad?
Vexen: You’ve been here how long and you can still say that? It can absolutely be that bad, and now you’ve jinxed it!
Marluxia: I have not! It isn’t my fault you’re paranoid!
Vexen: How is it not your fault? You’re the one who gave me a reason to be paranoid in the first place!
Xaldin: *sighs* Since it seems I’m stuck with you two, we might as well sit down and get it over with. Without the screaming, for preference.
[They sit. Xaldin gets to be the buffer zone, of course, the poor bastard.]
[The first chapter’s just an author’s note. TOS violation, ho!]
Marluxia: If this were a movie, that ‘chapter’ would be the scene where the monster kills some unnamed characters as portentous music plays in the background.
Portentous music: *obligingly, plays in background*
Marluxia: Sometimes I find it almost worse to be right than to be wrong.
[So, we skip straight to the second chapter, which is actually the first, but whatever. It’s in the ‘second chapter’ slot.]
Chapter 1
The World That Never Was seemed strangely quiet. There was almost no sound.
Vexen: *slow clap* Yes, things often are quiet when there’s little sound. Good for you.
Xaldin: If we end up calling the Department of Redundancy Department again, Marluxia has to talk.
Marluxia: Since when?
Xaldin: Since we’ll never get an answer if I have to listen to the way they ‘talk’. It would have made Dilan cry, it really would.
Marluxia: Really?
Xaldin: Well, probably it would just have made him kill things. Either way, it wouldn’t do us any good.
This was a strange occurrence when all thirteen members of the Organization were present in one place.
Vexen: We were all there….
Xaldin:…And Xemnas wasn’t talking?
Both: Impossible.
Marluxia: I’m beginning to see what Larxene means about the finishing-each-others’-sentences thing.
The constant training that the weaker members were subjected to appeared to be on hold.
Marluxia: But really…! *as Saïx* Now you must go to the sea witch Ursula and get the Superior’s voice back.
Vexen: *as Demyx* Do I have to?
Xaldin: *as Saïx* Yes.
Vexen: *as Demyx* Whyyyyyy?
Marluxia: *as Saïx* Because I will destroy you if you don’t.
Vexen: *as Demyx* Why me? Why is it always me?
Marluxia: *as Saïx* Because you’re a wuss. Now shut up.
Xaldin: He isn’t really that bad, when you actually manage to motivate him.
Marluxia: But why bother trying?
The members of the Organization were all engaged in quiet and mellow activities.
Xaldin: Unless everyone was asleep, I somehow doubt it.
Marluxia: Not even then. You know Larxene dreams about disemboweling things.
Vexen: At least she doesn’t have wet dreams about sitting in Xemnas’s chair.
Marluxia: *face carefully blank* I have no idea what you mean.
Xemnas, Saix, Xaldin, and Larxene were sitting in the library researching.
Marluxia: Larxene wouldn’t spend time in your company willingly.
Xaldin: I wouldn’t let her if she did.
Vexen: Am I the only one mildly disturbed by the thought of what the four of you would be researching that requires your specific areas of expertise?
Xaldin: *pause* Well, not anymore you’re not.
Axel, Roxas, Demyx and Xigbar were watching some senseless program on the recently acquired television and Lexeaus was sitting quietly on the couch with a sleeping Zexion in his arms.
Xaldin: Aww, look at the canon!
Vexen: Pity it won’t last. In fact, fifty munny says Lexaeus never has a speaking part nor does anything of interest for the rest of the story.
Xaldin: You’re on.
Vexen: It’s a shame to take your money.
Luxord sat in the corner playing solitaire. Things were oddly peaceful…Until the peace was shattered by an extremely aggravated scream.
Marluxia: The scream was convicted of aggravated assault against the peace in subsequent legal proceedings.
“AHHHHHHHHH! Marluxia! I am going to kill you!”
Vexen: While I am still capable of optimism-
Xaldin: You’ve never been capable of optimism.
Vexen:-I hope that a)that was me, and b)I succeed.
All of the afore mentioned members of the Organization were jerked out of their peaceful states. In eerie unison, they sighed. So much for tranquility.
Xaldin: Yet more canon. This isn’t so bad, so far.
“ N-now Vexen, there may be a mistake! There is surely no way that you can actually be pr-“
Marluxia: What was the rest of that sentence going to be?
Vexen: “pretending you hate me that much”?
Xaldin: “prepared to get rid of yet another member”?
Marluxia: “properly angry, having no heart”?
Vexen: Something much less canonical than the above?
Xaldin: Definitely.
“I WOULD NOT MAKE A MISTAKE ABOUT THIS!
Xaldin: *as MCP* CAPSLOCK OF RAGE IS NOT PERMITTED FOR THIS SECTION.
I AM A SCIENTIST FOR DRAKNESS SAKE, YOU IDIOT PINKHAIRED TWIT!
Vexen: Is it wrong of me to say I’m almost enjoying this?
Marluxia: Who’s ‘Drakness’?
Xaldin: See, back in Radiant Garden there was this girl, and-
IT IS A SIMPLE CHEMISTRY TEST AND IT CAME OUT POSITIVE!” Xemnas raised an eyebrow and blinked.
Marluxia: *as Xemnas* Did Eleven just try to poison Four?
What in the name of darkness were they talking about?
Xaldin: We wish we knew.
Vexen: No, we don’t.
Xaldin: Well, no. But it probably won’t be as bad as everything I can imagine.
Vexen: What makes you so sure?
Xaldin: Vexen. I sporked the ‘hydra penis kooshball’ fic. I guarantee, this fic cannot possibly be as bad as everything I can imagine.
And why was the normally calm and collected Vexen shrieking at the top of his voice?
Marluxia: Calm and collected?
Xaldin: Vexen?
Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
Vexen: My dialogue is in character, but the narration isn’t.
Xemnas rose from his seat and gestured for the others to follow him. When almost everyone was on their feet, the doors burst open and in tumbled the last two Organization members.
Xaldin: Tumble check to enter the room!
Vexen: *rolls imaginary die* Seventeen.
Xaldin: You succeed.
Marluxia: You people make no sense whatsoever.
Vexen had his long fingered hands around Marluxia’s throat and was apparently trying to strangle the other Nobody.
Vexen: *cheering himself on*
Marluxia: I would be more offended, except-
Xaldin: You realize that you deserve it, considering?
Marluxia:-that’s probably the closest to canon we’re going to get.
The look on Vexen’s face could only be described as apoplectic rage. Saix and Xaldin quickly leapt forward to separate the two males before any serious harm came to either one of them.
Marluxia: If his hands have been around my throat and squeezing for all this time, it’s too late for that.
Xaldin: I didn’t really care anyway.
“Let go of me Xaldin! I’m trying to wring that worthless idiot’s neck!” Xaldin smirked and nodded.
Xaldin: *as himself* Oh, all right. As you were.
Vexen: I really shouldn’t have had to explain that to you in the first place.
“I can see that. I want to know why. What could possibly posses one such as you to take on Marluxia without any evidence of probable cause.
Vexen: Since you haven’t asked me a question yet, which would be indicated by a question mark, I feel no obligation to answer.
Marluxia: Just playing Devil’s Advocate here, but for all you know there was ‘evidence of probable cause’.
Xaldin: I never thought I’d say it, but: logic has no place here.
You are not the sort to be given to fits of rage.”
Marluxia: Yes, he is.
Xaldin: Yes, you are.
Vexen: Yes, I am.
Marluxia was now on his feet. The Neophyte cleared his throat to get the attention of the rest of the Organization members.
Marluxia:-and then doubled over coughing, because his throat was now extremely sore and that hurt like a bitch.
The Nobody looked strangely uncomfortable.
“I believe that I have done something to actually deserve the rousing of Vexen’s ire.
Vexen: Like killing me, perhaps?
I have made a small blunder…That is we…” The other Organization members looked at Marluxia in detached puzzlement.
All: *look at fic in detached puzzlement*
Number XI was usually very confident and very organized in his thoughts and speech.
Marluxia: If the author knows I’m OOC, why not just fix it?
Vexen: Apparently we missed the author’s note in which she says she knows we’re OOC and just doesn’t care.
The fact that the Neophyte was so bothered and flustered struck a memory of unease in all of the gathered Nobodies. Xemnas frowned and looked closely at Vexen.
Xaldin: *as Xemnas* Is this a creation of the darkness, or has Zexion been creating illusions in his sleep again?
The other Nobody had been acting odd lately.
Marluxia: Really? I don’t know how you could tell.
Vexen: Hmph.
The already thin scientist had been turning away many foods that had once appealed to his pallet, he was often ill, and had been easily exhausted.
Vexen: In my own professional opinion, I have mononucleosis. I should go back to bed.
Xaldin: Maybe you caught it from Xigbar.
Vexen: We both know he was faking it to get out of that mission.
These things were not unusual when Vexen had a large project going on but at the moment there was nothing on the scientist’s agenda.
All: *look at the words* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Vexen: I haven’t had ‘nothing on my agenda’ for years!
Xaldin: Possibly it was supposed to be a pun?
Marluxia: Four, do you even sleep?
Vexen: On occasion.
Xaldin: *stage whisper* He means, ‘when we run out of coffee’.
Vexen: That’s not true! ...Necessarily.
The superior frowned once more as the memory of concern gripped him.
“Vexen, what has happened? Tell me and if it merits punishment to Marluxia, I will not hesitate to give it.
Vexen: *as himself* You see, I have definitive proof that Eleven was planning to take over the Organization, killing anyone who stood in his way.
Xaldin: *as Xemnas* Truly, he is a fool, to seek to be the greatest nothingness in the midst of the void.
Marluxia: Oh, shut up. It was a good plan.
Vexen: If it had been a good plan, it wouldn’t have failed so miserably.
But I must know what is going on. And I will have the full story from both of you.” Xemnas turned to the Nobody with the black braids.
Xaldin: Wait-they’re braids! The author got it right! *victory airpunch*
Marluxia: This may reassure you, but it makes me deeply suspicious of what horrible travesty warranted sporking this.
“Xaldin, come with me and bring Vexen with you.
Vexen: I can walk by myself. Or create a portal. I don’t actually need you.
Xaldin: You’re using logic again.
Marluxia, you will wait in your chambers until I summon you.”
Marluxia: No, I won’t. I will leave this fic for good.
The superior walked briskly out of the room with Xaldin on his heels. The fuming Vexen had no choice but to go with Xemnas and Xaldin seeing as Number II had his arms very securely restrained behind his back.
Marluxia: *as Vexen* This is not the proper way to carry a damsel in distress!
Vexen: *reaches around Xaldin and stabs Marluxia with an icicle* I’m not a damsel, pansy-boy.
Marluxia: I’m going to kill you for that.
Vexen: As if you could.
Xaldin: *eyeroll* Not on top of me, please.
The Superior led both of his subordinates on a brisk walk to his own chambers. When they arrived at Xemnas’s personal office and laboratory, the lead Nobody turned to Xaldin and dismissed him with a small wave.
Xaldin: The Superior does not wave goodbye.
Marluxia: But wouldn’t it be so much more amusing if he did?
Xaldin: *analytically* Data indicate not.
Marluxia: *throws hands in the air* You’re both as bad as each other!
Xaldin nodded in quiet understanding and left Vexen alone with the Superior. Vexen would not admit it, but the swift pace of the walk had left him feeling drained.
And now that the adrenaline of wanting to kill Marluxia had faded, the scientist was teetering on the edge of exhaustion.
Vexen: It’s nothing more coffee can’t cure.
Xaldin: I told you so.
It did not help that the blond man had stayed up the previous night trying to come up with some other conclusion to the cause of his current dilemma.
Vexen: I concluded that the cause of whatever-my-problem-is was authorial fiat, and that I am therefore, to put it simply, screwed.
Xaldin: Sometimes I wish I could resist the urge to think about these things.
Marluxia: Ignorance is bliss.
“Vexen, what is going on?”
Vexen: How should I know? I just got here!
Vexen took a deep and fortifying breath and prayed to the Gods that he didn’t believe in anymore for some sort of strength.
Marluxia: They said no. Also, God said to stop pluralizing Him and believe in Him again.
Vexen: I told you you’d turn into a missionary.
Marluxia: *horrified* I-I’m conforming to his expectations! It can’t be!
Vexen: *snickers*
He now had to find a way to tell his Superior that [snip to delay the inevitable!]
Marluxia: This is not improving my forebodings at all.
Doomy Music: *starts up obligingly*
“Forgive me, Superior, but I find myself at a loss concerning how to explain the situation. It is very complicated and touches on a somewhat delicate matter.
Xaldin: *as Vexen* I-I’m OOC.
Marluxia: *as Xemnas* Tell me, have you been…feeling?
Xaldin: *as Vexen* No, but I have the horrible sensation that I may be about to start.
In truth, I am unsure about how some of it is possible.”
Vexen: That’s never a good sign.
Vexen sighed quietly. The last statement he had given to Xemnas had been the gist of the problem. How on earth [snip again, for further inevitable-delaying!]?
Doomy Music: *crescendo*
“Then start from the beginning. I want to know what is going on amongst my subordinates to cause the behavior I witnessed today.”
Vexen: *as himself* I already told you! Eleven is plotting a coup!
Marluxia: He never listened in canon; what makes you think he would start now?
Vexen bit his bottom lip. He was nervous about telling Xemnas about what had been going on. It wasn’t going to be easy to tell the silver haired Nobody that he and Marluxia had been fooling around for a while.
All: WHAT?!
Vexen: But I-I would never-do not want!
Marluxia: Oh, and you think I would?!
Vexen: I’m not as sure about you as I am about me!
Marluxia: Why, you--!
Both: *violence*
Xaldin: Stop that. *pins both of them to their chairs with lances* *through their coats, in case you were worried*
Quite some time, actually.
“Number XI and myself have been… intimate for a few months now and neither of us thought anything of it.
Marluxia: We didn’t?! What was wrong with us?!
Vexen: Drugs. It has to be. I blame Xigbar.
Xaldin: I don’t think even he would do something so…disgusting.
Vexen: But who would?
Marluxia: Axel, obviously, the backstabbing son of a-
Vexen: He doesn’t have the required technical knowledge.
Xaldin: Maybe he got the drugs from his tiger.
Not until recently. I have…not been well and I wondered if perhaps I had somehow gotten a disease from him.
Marluxia: *offended* I do not have any STDs!
Xaldin: Have you been tested recently?
Marluxia: *eyetwitch* Unlike Axel, I am not the Orgnaization whore. Testing for STDs is unnecessary.
I took samples of my own blood and preformed a few simple tests on them and the results were… startling.”
Vexen: *as himself* Did you know OOC was a sexually-transmitted condition?
Xemnas frowned at Vexen. He was not really to surprised that the two were having intimate relations,
All: He wasn’t?!
Xaldin: Now, I admit freely that Xemnas’s thought processes often escape the rest of us, but that’s a bit much.
many of the members of the Organization sought one another out for the memory of completeness and for physical gratification. What surprised him was that Vexen seemed to be very unwilling to discuss the results of his tests. Was there actually an illness he had contracted from the pink-haired man?
Marluxia: No, because I don’t have any. And wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot scythe, not that the author cares.
“What were the results of your tests Vexen? Why are you so hesitant to tell me? Are you in some sort of mortal peril?”
Vexen: YES. I am in mortal peril of losing my characterization, you OOC old windbag!
Marluxia: I am absolutely going to tell him you called him that.
Xaldin: That would be a more effective threat if this story’s incarnation of Xemnas weren’t an OOC old windbag.
Vexen sighed once more.
“No, I am not in mortal peril. At least I should not be. I am hesitant to tell you because I am unable to explain why the results of my test are the way they are. I am also very uncomfortable with the knowledge that I am now more vulnerable than I have ever been in all my existence and non-existence.
Xaldin: Including infancy?
Vexen: I can still walk. I can still strangle Marluxia. How vulnerable can I possibly be?
I simply cannot begin to explain what is going on. I do not like not having the answers to a question that so very deeply affects me.”
Xaldin: And there goes canon, speeding by again.
Xemnas looked at Vexen closely and noticed that the other was nearly shaking. The man looked ready to collapse any minute.
Vexen: It is a little-known fact that high levels of OOC can cause vertigo and faintness.
Xaldin: That explains the spontaneous damselification of formerly strong characters.
Vexen: I know. *pleased* It took some research to find out, but *shrugs* I do not like not having the answers to a question that so very deeply affects me.
Marluxia: If you’re the only one in the fic in character, again, I’m leaving.
“Come here and sit down.” When Vexen moved to comply to his Superiors wishes, he felt a split second of immense gratitude for being allowed off of his tired legs and feet. “Now stop avoiding the question. What were your test results?”
Xaldin: *as Vexen* Perfect scores, what did you expect?
Vexen took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Doomy Music: *dramatic crescendo*
Vexen: *takes a deep breath and closes his eyes* I don’t want to know.
Xaldin: Yes you do.
“Apparently, I am pregnant with a child that is both mine and Marluxia’s.
All:…WHAAAAT?!!!
Vexen: *incoherent stammering* Wha-how-why-the fuck?!!!
Marluxia:…And people say I’m effeminate.
Xaldin: …Okay, I lied. You didn’t want to know.
Doomy Music: *tah-dah!*
I still don’t know how.
Xaldin: That’s because it’s impossible! Did you not take basic biology?
All that I know is that I have spent the last twenty- four hours trying to determine some flaw in my tests and repeating them.
Marluxia: Why did you do a pregnancy test in the first place anyway?
Vexen: *still stunned* I don’t even know how.
Marluxia: *shock!* You mean there’s something you’re willing to admit you don’t know?
Vexen: Dammit, Eleven, I’m a research scientist, not a gynecologist!
I have always come to the same conclusion. I will have a child and…I have somehow regained my heart…”
Vexen: *not stunned any more* WHAT?!!!!
Xaldin: WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Marluxia: …I would scream incoherently, but frankly, they’re about to rupture my eardrums as it is.
Xaldin: *pointing at screen* What-hearts-pregnancy-no!!
Vexen: *Capslock of rage has been permitted for this section* NO! WE CAN’T GET OUR HEARTS BACK AT RANDOM! NOR CAN MEN BECOME PREGNANT! NOBODIES DO NOT HAVE HEARTS, MEN DO NOT BECOME PREGNANT, AND ROCKS DO NOT DO THE MACARENA!
Marluxia: *glad of a distraction* What if Five wanted them to?
Vexen: NO! NO! NO! THIS IS IT! I REFUSE! I HAVE BEEN MOLESTED, RAPED, AND FORCIBLY MARRIED, BUT THIS IS MORE THAN I CAN BEAR!
Xaldin: *Capslock of rage also permitted* YOU JUST BROKE BIOLOGY TWICE IN A SINGLE SENTENCE!
Marluxia: I would interrupt to offer them some of the tea I’m going to make for my headache, but they seem to be enjoying themselves, and I wouldn’t give them any in any case. *heads for the back of the theater*
Other two: *continue ranting at the screen*
To be continued…
Author: PendragonU
Rating:
One for the MPreg which is never explained at all; one for the spontaneously-returning hearts; one for bad, bad romance that is bad; one for making the heartless scientists cry (in the fic, I mean--and when they saw it, too); one for the complete and total destruction of Vexen's character. Minus one because it's technically decent, and there's no smut--believe me, if there were, we'd be heading for Ansem territory.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia/XI/The Graceful Assassin; Vexen/IV/The Chilly Academic/Snowflake (Whyyyyyy?); Sesha and Shinen.
Full Species(es): Nemo (?) Amatorius Deficeror (Romantic FAILURE Nobody); Nemo (?) Amatorius Gravidus (Romantic Pregnant Nobody); Noncanonici Infantes (Noncanonical Babies).
Hair Color (include adjectives): pink (as canon); blond (as canon, and even masculine), 'pretty'.
Eye Color (include adjectives): not described (presumed as canon) ; 'blazing emerald'.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Vexen is 'pale'. Also...you know what? Out of concern for his dignity, I won't repeat the part about what he's like in bed.
Special Possessions (if any): Hearts. Also, a uterus. DO NOT WANT.
Origin: Vexen's personal hell.
Connections To Canon Characters: Stole their credit cards and are using their identities.
Special Abilities: BEING PREGNANT. Also, having hearts for no apparent reason. Apparently it's catching. Oh, and Vexen is 'normally calm and collected'. Could've fooled me...
Other Annoying Traits: Crying. Gestating. Snuggling. Proposing. LOVING. Being misogynistic without actually having any female characters. Really, really pissing me off.
I Say/Notes: Um. Well. Marluxia occasionally has flashes of being in character and thrown off by the sheer WTFery. But Vexen...That...thing...has absolutely nothing in common with Vexen anymore. NOTHING. I'd say he was turned into a woman, except that if he were turned into a woman he wouldn't be like that either, and anyway that's an insult to women. This is pretty much everything I hate about badfic. Except for the grammar and spelling--I can read it just fine, but I wish I couldn't.
Please note that the ratings and such refer to the entire fic; the true fail takes a while to really kick in.
Part One: 'Discovery and Revelation'.
Part Two: 'Of Babies and Hearts'.
Part Three: 'The Father'.
Part Four: 'Surprise and Explanation'.
Part Five: 'How Do You Know!'.
Sample:
[Scene: The sporking theatre. Enter Marluxia, stage left. Enter Vexen, stage right.]
Marluxia: This is evidently not my week.
Vexen: Twice in a row? This is cruel and unusual.
Marluxia: You weren’t even in the last one.
Vexen: And while I of course hope this trend will continue, I seriously doubt it.
[Enter Xaldin, stage center.]
Xaldin: Well, it seems that the gang’s all here.
Vexen: If Naminé shows up, I’m leaving before I get sucked into the pedophilia.
Xaldin: I’m not sure she’s in the fic.
Marluxia: Good. Wait, how can you not be sure?
Xaldin: No one told me anything about this fic.
Vexen: Me…neither…ohshit. *ransacking front of theatre* There’s no summary either!
Marluxia: Can it possibly be that bad?
Vexen: You’ve been here how long and you can still say that? It can absolutely be that bad, and now you’ve jinxed it!
Marluxia: I have not! It isn’t my fault you’re paranoid!
Vexen: How is it not your fault? You’re the one who gave me a reason to be paranoid in the first place!
Xaldin: *sighs* Since it seems I’m stuck with you two, we might as well sit down and get it over with. Without the screaming, for preference.
[They sit. Xaldin gets to be the buffer zone, of course, the poor bastard.]
[The first chapter’s just an author’s note. TOS violation, ho!]
Marluxia: If this were a movie, that ‘chapter’ would be the scene where the monster kills some unnamed characters as portentous music plays in the background.
Portentous music: *obligingly, plays in background*
Marluxia: Sometimes I find it almost worse to be right than to be wrong.
[So, we skip straight to the second chapter, which is actually the first, but whatever. It’s in the ‘second chapter’ slot.]
Chapter 1
The World That Never Was seemed strangely quiet. There was almost no sound.
Vexen: *slow clap* Yes, things often are quiet when there’s little sound. Good for you.
Xaldin: If we end up calling the Department of Redundancy Department again, Marluxia has to talk.
Marluxia: Since when?
Xaldin: Since we’ll never get an answer if I have to listen to the way they ‘talk’. It would have made Dilan cry, it really would.
Marluxia: Really?
Xaldin: Well, probably it would just have made him kill things. Either way, it wouldn’t do us any good.
This was a strange occurrence when all thirteen members of the Organization were present in one place.
Vexen: We were all there….
Xaldin:…And Xemnas wasn’t talking?
Both: Impossible.
Marluxia: I’m beginning to see what Larxene means about the finishing-each-others’-sentences thing.
The constant training that the weaker members were subjected to appeared to be on hold.
Marluxia: But really…! *as Saïx* Now you must go to the sea witch Ursula and get the Superior’s voice back.
Vexen: *as Demyx* Do I have to?
Xaldin: *as Saïx* Yes.
Vexen: *as Demyx* Whyyyyyy?
Marluxia: *as Saïx* Because I will destroy you if you don’t.
Vexen: *as Demyx* Why me? Why is it always me?
Marluxia: *as Saïx* Because you’re a wuss. Now shut up.
Xaldin: He isn’t really that bad, when you actually manage to motivate him.
Marluxia: But why bother trying?
The members of the Organization were all engaged in quiet and mellow activities.
Xaldin: Unless everyone was asleep, I somehow doubt it.
Marluxia: Not even then. You know Larxene dreams about disemboweling things.
Vexen: At least she doesn’t have wet dreams about sitting in Xemnas’s chair.
Marluxia: *face carefully blank* I have no idea what you mean.
Xemnas, Saix, Xaldin, and Larxene were sitting in the library researching.
Marluxia: Larxene wouldn’t spend time in your company willingly.
Xaldin: I wouldn’t let her if she did.
Vexen: Am I the only one mildly disturbed by the thought of what the four of you would be researching that requires your specific areas of expertise?
Xaldin: *pause* Well, not anymore you’re not.
Axel, Roxas, Demyx and Xigbar were watching some senseless program on the recently acquired television and Lexeaus was sitting quietly on the couch with a sleeping Zexion in his arms.
Xaldin: Aww, look at the canon!
Vexen: Pity it won’t last. In fact, fifty munny says Lexaeus never has a speaking part nor does anything of interest for the rest of the story.
Xaldin: You’re on.
Vexen: It’s a shame to take your money.
Luxord sat in the corner playing solitaire. Things were oddly peaceful…Until the peace was shattered by an extremely aggravated scream.
Marluxia: The scream was convicted of aggravated assault against the peace in subsequent legal proceedings.
“AHHHHHHHHH! Marluxia! I am going to kill you!”
Vexen: While I am still capable of optimism-
Xaldin: You’ve never been capable of optimism.
Vexen:-I hope that a)that was me, and b)I succeed.
All of the afore mentioned members of the Organization were jerked out of their peaceful states. In eerie unison, they sighed. So much for tranquility.
Xaldin: Yet more canon. This isn’t so bad, so far.
“ N-now Vexen, there may be a mistake! There is surely no way that you can actually be pr-“
Marluxia: What was the rest of that sentence going to be?
Vexen: “pretending you hate me that much”?
Xaldin: “prepared to get rid of yet another member”?
Marluxia: “properly angry, having no heart”?
Vexen: Something much less canonical than the above?
Xaldin: Definitely.
“I WOULD NOT MAKE A MISTAKE ABOUT THIS!
Xaldin: *as MCP* CAPSLOCK OF RAGE IS NOT PERMITTED FOR THIS SECTION.
I AM A SCIENTIST FOR DRAKNESS SAKE, YOU IDIOT PINKHAIRED TWIT!
Vexen: Is it wrong of me to say I’m almost enjoying this?
Marluxia: Who’s ‘Drakness’?
Xaldin: See, back in Radiant Garden there was this girl, and-
IT IS A SIMPLE CHEMISTRY TEST AND IT CAME OUT POSITIVE!” Xemnas raised an eyebrow and blinked.
Marluxia: *as Xemnas* Did Eleven just try to poison Four?
What in the name of darkness were they talking about?
Xaldin: We wish we knew.
Vexen: No, we don’t.
Xaldin: Well, no. But it probably won’t be as bad as everything I can imagine.
Vexen: What makes you so sure?
Xaldin: Vexen. I sporked the ‘hydra penis kooshball’ fic. I guarantee, this fic cannot possibly be as bad as everything I can imagine.
And why was the normally calm and collected Vexen shrieking at the top of his voice?
Marluxia: Calm and collected?
Xaldin: Vexen?
Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
Vexen: My dialogue is in character, but the narration isn’t.
Xemnas rose from his seat and gestured for the others to follow him. When almost everyone was on their feet, the doors burst open and in tumbled the last two Organization members.
Xaldin: Tumble check to enter the room!
Vexen: *rolls imaginary die* Seventeen.
Xaldin: You succeed.
Marluxia: You people make no sense whatsoever.
Vexen had his long fingered hands around Marluxia’s throat and was apparently trying to strangle the other Nobody.
Vexen: *cheering himself on*
Marluxia: I would be more offended, except-
Xaldin: You realize that you deserve it, considering?
Marluxia:-that’s probably the closest to canon we’re going to get.
The look on Vexen’s face could only be described as apoplectic rage. Saix and Xaldin quickly leapt forward to separate the two males before any serious harm came to either one of them.
Marluxia: If his hands have been around my throat and squeezing for all this time, it’s too late for that.
Xaldin: I didn’t really care anyway.
“Let go of me Xaldin! I’m trying to wring that worthless idiot’s neck!” Xaldin smirked and nodded.
Xaldin: *as himself* Oh, all right. As you were.
Vexen: I really shouldn’t have had to explain that to you in the first place.
“I can see that. I want to know why. What could possibly posses one such as you to take on Marluxia without any evidence of probable cause.
Vexen: Since you haven’t asked me a question yet, which would be indicated by a question mark, I feel no obligation to answer.
Marluxia: Just playing Devil’s Advocate here, but for all you know there was ‘evidence of probable cause’.
Xaldin: I never thought I’d say it, but: logic has no place here.
You are not the sort to be given to fits of rage.”
Marluxia: Yes, he is.
Xaldin: Yes, you are.
Vexen: Yes, I am.
Marluxia was now on his feet. The Neophyte cleared his throat to get the attention of the rest of the Organization members.
Marluxia:-and then doubled over coughing, because his throat was now extremely sore and that hurt like a bitch.
The Nobody looked strangely uncomfortable.
“I believe that I have done something to actually deserve the rousing of Vexen’s ire.
Vexen: Like killing me, perhaps?
I have made a small blunder…That is we…” The other Organization members looked at Marluxia in detached puzzlement.
All: *look at fic in detached puzzlement*
Number XI was usually very confident and very organized in his thoughts and speech.
Marluxia: If the author knows I’m OOC, why not just fix it?
Vexen: Apparently we missed the author’s note in which she says she knows we’re OOC and just doesn’t care.
The fact that the Neophyte was so bothered and flustered struck a memory of unease in all of the gathered Nobodies. Xemnas frowned and looked closely at Vexen.
Xaldin: *as Xemnas* Is this a creation of the darkness, or has Zexion been creating illusions in his sleep again?
The other Nobody had been acting odd lately.
Marluxia: Really? I don’t know how you could tell.
Vexen: Hmph.
The already thin scientist had been turning away many foods that had once appealed to his pallet, he was often ill, and had been easily exhausted.
Vexen: In my own professional opinion, I have mononucleosis. I should go back to bed.
Xaldin: Maybe you caught it from Xigbar.
Vexen: We both know he was faking it to get out of that mission.
These things were not unusual when Vexen had a large project going on but at the moment there was nothing on the scientist’s agenda.
All: *look at the words* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Vexen: I haven’t had ‘nothing on my agenda’ for years!
Xaldin: Possibly it was supposed to be a pun?
Marluxia: Four, do you even sleep?
Vexen: On occasion.
Xaldin: *stage whisper* He means, ‘when we run out of coffee’.
Vexen: That’s not true! ...Necessarily.
The superior frowned once more as the memory of concern gripped him.
“Vexen, what has happened? Tell me and if it merits punishment to Marluxia, I will not hesitate to give it.
Vexen: *as himself* You see, I have definitive proof that Eleven was planning to take over the Organization, killing anyone who stood in his way.
Xaldin: *as Xemnas* Truly, he is a fool, to seek to be the greatest nothingness in the midst of the void.
Marluxia: Oh, shut up. It was a good plan.
Vexen: If it had been a good plan, it wouldn’t have failed so miserably.
But I must know what is going on. And I will have the full story from both of you.” Xemnas turned to the Nobody with the black braids.
Xaldin: Wait-they’re braids! The author got it right! *victory airpunch*
Marluxia: This may reassure you, but it makes me deeply suspicious of what horrible travesty warranted sporking this.
“Xaldin, come with me and bring Vexen with you.
Vexen: I can walk by myself. Or create a portal. I don’t actually need you.
Xaldin: You’re using logic again.
Marluxia, you will wait in your chambers until I summon you.”
Marluxia: No, I won’t. I will leave this fic for good.
The superior walked briskly out of the room with Xaldin on his heels. The fuming Vexen had no choice but to go with Xemnas and Xaldin seeing as Number II had his arms very securely restrained behind his back.
Marluxia: *as Vexen* This is not the proper way to carry a damsel in distress!
Vexen: *reaches around Xaldin and stabs Marluxia with an icicle* I’m not a damsel, pansy-boy.
Marluxia: I’m going to kill you for that.
Vexen: As if you could.
Xaldin: *eyeroll* Not on top of me, please.
The Superior led both of his subordinates on a brisk walk to his own chambers. When they arrived at Xemnas’s personal office and laboratory, the lead Nobody turned to Xaldin and dismissed him with a small wave.
Xaldin: The Superior does not wave goodbye.
Marluxia: But wouldn’t it be so much more amusing if he did?
Xaldin: *analytically* Data indicate not.
Marluxia: *throws hands in the air* You’re both as bad as each other!
Xaldin nodded in quiet understanding and left Vexen alone with the Superior. Vexen would not admit it, but the swift pace of the walk had left him feeling drained.
And now that the adrenaline of wanting to kill Marluxia had faded, the scientist was teetering on the edge of exhaustion.
Vexen: It’s nothing more coffee can’t cure.
Xaldin: I told you so.
It did not help that the blond man had stayed up the previous night trying to come up with some other conclusion to the cause of his current dilemma.
Vexen: I concluded that the cause of whatever-my-problem-is was authorial fiat, and that I am therefore, to put it simply, screwed.
Xaldin: Sometimes I wish I could resist the urge to think about these things.
Marluxia: Ignorance is bliss.
“Vexen, what is going on?”
Vexen: How should I know? I just got here!
Vexen took a deep and fortifying breath and prayed to the Gods that he didn’t believe in anymore for some sort of strength.
Marluxia: They said no. Also, God said to stop pluralizing Him and believe in Him again.
Vexen: I told you you’d turn into a missionary.
Marluxia: *horrified* I-I’m conforming to his expectations! It can’t be!
Vexen: *snickers*
He now had to find a way to tell his Superior that [snip to delay the inevitable!]
Marluxia: This is not improving my forebodings at all.
Doomy Music: *starts up obligingly*
“Forgive me, Superior, but I find myself at a loss concerning how to explain the situation. It is very complicated and touches on a somewhat delicate matter.
Xaldin: *as Vexen* I-I’m OOC.
Marluxia: *as Xemnas* Tell me, have you been…feeling?
Xaldin: *as Vexen* No, but I have the horrible sensation that I may be about to start.
In truth, I am unsure about how some of it is possible.”
Vexen: That’s never a good sign.
Vexen sighed quietly. The last statement he had given to Xemnas had been the gist of the problem. How on earth [snip again, for further inevitable-delaying!]?
Doomy Music: *crescendo*
“Then start from the beginning. I want to know what is going on amongst my subordinates to cause the behavior I witnessed today.”
Vexen: *as himself* I already told you! Eleven is plotting a coup!
Marluxia: He never listened in canon; what makes you think he would start now?
Vexen bit his bottom lip. He was nervous about telling Xemnas about what had been going on. It wasn’t going to be easy to tell the silver haired Nobody that he and Marluxia had been fooling around for a while.
All: WHAT?!
Vexen: But I-I would never-do not want!
Marluxia: Oh, and you think I would?!
Vexen: I’m not as sure about you as I am about me!
Marluxia: Why, you--!
Both: *violence*
Xaldin: Stop that. *pins both of them to their chairs with lances* *through their coats, in case you were worried*
Quite some time, actually.
“Number XI and myself have been… intimate for a few months now and neither of us thought anything of it.
Marluxia: We didn’t?! What was wrong with us?!
Vexen: Drugs. It has to be. I blame Xigbar.
Xaldin: I don’t think even he would do something so…disgusting.
Vexen: But who would?
Marluxia: Axel, obviously, the backstabbing son of a-
Vexen: He doesn’t have the required technical knowledge.
Xaldin: Maybe he got the drugs from his tiger.
Not until recently. I have…not been well and I wondered if perhaps I had somehow gotten a disease from him.
Marluxia: *offended* I do not have any STDs!
Xaldin: Have you been tested recently?
Marluxia: *eyetwitch* Unlike Axel, I am not the Orgnaization whore. Testing for STDs is unnecessary.
I took samples of my own blood and preformed a few simple tests on them and the results were… startling.”
Vexen: *as himself* Did you know OOC was a sexually-transmitted condition?
Xemnas frowned at Vexen. He was not really to surprised that the two were having intimate relations,
All: He wasn’t?!
Xaldin: Now, I admit freely that Xemnas’s thought processes often escape the rest of us, but that’s a bit much.
many of the members of the Organization sought one another out for the memory of completeness and for physical gratification. What surprised him was that Vexen seemed to be very unwilling to discuss the results of his tests. Was there actually an illness he had contracted from the pink-haired man?
Marluxia: No, because I don’t have any. And wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot scythe, not that the author cares.
“What were the results of your tests Vexen? Why are you so hesitant to tell me? Are you in some sort of mortal peril?”
Vexen: YES. I am in mortal peril of losing my characterization, you OOC old windbag!
Marluxia: I am absolutely going to tell him you called him that.
Xaldin: That would be a more effective threat if this story’s incarnation of Xemnas weren’t an OOC old windbag.
Vexen sighed once more.
“No, I am not in mortal peril. At least I should not be. I am hesitant to tell you because I am unable to explain why the results of my test are the way they are. I am also very uncomfortable with the knowledge that I am now more vulnerable than I have ever been in all my existence and non-existence.
Xaldin: Including infancy?
Vexen: I can still walk. I can still strangle Marluxia. How vulnerable can I possibly be?
I simply cannot begin to explain what is going on. I do not like not having the answers to a question that so very deeply affects me.”
Xaldin: And there goes canon, speeding by again.
Xemnas looked at Vexen closely and noticed that the other was nearly shaking. The man looked ready to collapse any minute.
Vexen: It is a little-known fact that high levels of OOC can cause vertigo and faintness.
Xaldin: That explains the spontaneous damselification of formerly strong characters.
Vexen: I know. *pleased* It took some research to find out, but *shrugs* I do not like not having the answers to a question that so very deeply affects me.
Marluxia: If you’re the only one in the fic in character, again, I’m leaving.
“Come here and sit down.” When Vexen moved to comply to his Superiors wishes, he felt a split second of immense gratitude for being allowed off of his tired legs and feet. “Now stop avoiding the question. What were your test results?”
Xaldin: *as Vexen* Perfect scores, what did you expect?
Vexen took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Doomy Music: *dramatic crescendo*
Vexen: *takes a deep breath and closes his eyes* I don’t want to know.
Xaldin: Yes you do.
“Apparently, I am pregnant with a child that is both mine and Marluxia’s.
All:…WHAAAAT?!!!
Vexen: *incoherent stammering* Wha-how-why-the fuck?!!!
Marluxia:…And people say I’m effeminate.
Xaldin: …Okay, I lied. You didn’t want to know.
Doomy Music: *tah-dah!*
I still don’t know how.
Xaldin: That’s because it’s impossible! Did you not take basic biology?
All that I know is that I have spent the last twenty- four hours trying to determine some flaw in my tests and repeating them.
Marluxia: Why did you do a pregnancy test in the first place anyway?
Vexen: *still stunned* I don’t even know how.
Marluxia: *shock!* You mean there’s something you’re willing to admit you don’t know?
Vexen: Dammit, Eleven, I’m a research scientist, not a gynecologist!
I have always come to the same conclusion. I will have a child and…I have somehow regained my heart…”
Vexen: *not stunned any more* WHAT?!!!!
Xaldin: WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Marluxia: …I would scream incoherently, but frankly, they’re about to rupture my eardrums as it is.
Xaldin: *pointing at screen* What-hearts-pregnancy-no!!
Vexen: *Capslock of rage has been permitted for this section* NO! WE CAN’T GET OUR HEARTS BACK AT RANDOM! NOR CAN MEN BECOME PREGNANT! NOBODIES DO NOT HAVE HEARTS, MEN DO NOT BECOME PREGNANT, AND ROCKS DO NOT DO THE MACARENA!
Marluxia: *glad of a distraction* What if Five wanted them to?
Vexen: NO! NO! NO! THIS IS IT! I REFUSE! I HAVE BEEN MOLESTED, RAPED, AND FORCIBLY MARRIED, BUT THIS IS MORE THAN I CAN BEAR!
Xaldin: *Capslock of rage also permitted* YOU JUST BROKE BIOLOGY TWICE IN A SINGLE SENTENCE!
Marluxia: I would interrupt to offer them some of the tea I’m going to make for my headache, but they seem to be enjoying themselves, and I wouldn’t give them any in any case. *heads for the back of the theater*
Other two: *continue ranting at the screen*
To be continued…