just realized the previous post was a pretty pissed off one. This is good. I need to learn to feel more anger. Ride it before the drugs kick in and I can't feel anything.

Shit. So even Wikipedia aside from doctors dear tell me that taking the drugs will give me sexual anhedonia amongst other things. And the criticisms aren't reassuring either but when everyone is telling you give it a try give it a try and your shrink tells your doctor you're breaking down quick do something and get an appointment the same day, I ( Read more... )

then Petrie asked- " I flied?"
and Cera said "no, you falled."

So I falled. Fucked , falled , falled.

Fuck me to make a purdy fossil out of me. Under the sea where invertebrates glow I fell for a trilobite who said he skimmed the floor with ancient wisdom. Only maybe the wisdom is far too old to ever see innocence but always needs to put itself on a ( Read more... )

i think the day is working so far so good under the cloudy grey skies. yesterday i wore green to give me fresh starts but nothing kicked in.

so today i wear grey so that everything outside can draw all the colours from within. Today the day is like a waiting ocean turned upside down as we catch currents to put our minds at work and grey pearls rest ( Read more... )

i dunno if staring on and off at a computer screen in one space, forcing oneself to be away from home, and still not managing a single paragraph since morning is considered hard work.

my spine aches, my heart hurts and my mind is totally fucked.

played a few online quizzes to at least be doing something after the crap canteen dinner of chicken. there was nothing better and i don't feel energized. maybe it was the lack of hot pepper sauce. as a gourmet snob i tease someone's habit of eating chicken- I think this was the universe's revenge for me taking the piss ( Read more... )

it's nearly six in the evening, i've been in school by the computer since morning and i still haven't managed to string a hundred words, much less four thousand ninehundred more to go. i could win staring contests at this rate ( Read more... )

in a little village in the south of holland, 2 o-clock in the afternoon of their time, my Uncle Gerry died.

he met my Aunty Terese when she was a schoolgirl and he was a bus driver. they had my cousin Robby, got married and 30 years later he was  living in the tiny village driving the same route.

I remember when my cousins chipped in money together ( Read more... )

so i give myself the creeps when i see specks of flesh discarded between between my legs.

yesterday the walking there was difficult, the walking back even more.

and even though i called on all the honeybees and buttercups, and dandelions to grin and shake their manes their manes could not stop the shaking. it was worse than i thought it would be, it ( Read more... )

its not just the fact I get so emo and there's nowhere to cry that you lock yourself in your school bathroom hoping damn hard no one will hear that my neck feels its about ta pop with all the strain ( Read more... )