One year ago tomorrow (today, even) I had the horrid procedure.  Today, I underwent anestesia again to be tested for colon issues.  I figured it would be emotionally tetchy, the testing, since I do not want to die like my father did.

I wore my Fiona and Richard bracelets for comfort.  They were the last things I felt before I went under.  When I ( Read more... )

Any reasonable person would be done with you.  I suppose I may not be reasonable.  Hell, any reasonable woman would've been done last year.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am, indeed, a logical, emotionally intelligent, pragmatic woman.  I do not have a desire to save you nor for you to save me - we agreed on that early on.  And yet, one of the ( Read more... )

 I am so angry.  Of course  I know this song, always have.  What self-respecting lover of Delilah wouldn't?

I'm so angry.

You destroyed my pool cue.

I'm so angry.

Forget the cue.  Forget all of it the past year except you weren't there when I almost died.  Forget that, even.  When I tried to talk about it, you sneered "you  had a miscarriage ( Read more... )

Before I get a good sleep that eases the memories, an outpouring of all the things of the last week.

What led up to it?

My friend's father, a man who was one of my father's dearest friends, passed away.  I stayed up with him.  My sister spent the next night with a sugar level over 600 and we chatted til the wee hours til it came down a bit.  My son ( Read more... )

What a heartbreaker of a week.

As expected, my iron is near rock bottom, again.  Oddly, thankfully, my hemoglobin hasn't fallen yet - although it is next.  I'm exhausted, emotional and alone.  On th bright side, the lady doc suggested I start coming in monthly for maintenance doses.  I am flabbergasted no one has suggested this before now, I've ( Read more... )

Connections

I told my mother all the things.  All of them.  We talked about the abortion and my son's father.  How she remembered things and how I lived them.  I'm quite certain it is a conversation neither of us want to repeat.  I'm stunned it finally happened.

And I'm glad.  And I've had an emotional hangover since.  It isn't easy sharing all of ( Read more... )

Here we are at the end of the night.   And I am still in love with you.  I'm also angry, so angry.

And confused.

And hurt.

**

I had an abortion I didn't want  - no matter how I might reconcile it as practcal.  I've spent the past 31 years coming to terms; trying to figure out how I could be in the world with it.  The father wasn't there the night I ( Read more... )

The third worst night of my life. 2023

Commentary:

Coming up on one year, this looms.  I still feel scared and alone - less scared, more alone.  I often wonder why I am still here.  I cannot think of a compelling argument about why it matters except what my kid might do would haunt me haunting the world.

What I dream, from 2010

A friend advised ( Read more... )

I'd start at the beginning but there isn't one.

My sister is broken.  She broke a lot of years ago.  Her days tick tock by in a casing to which only she has access, safe from the responsibility of love, of living.  She doesn't,  not really.  She exists, subsists.  And I want is to hold her hand, show her how to not be afraid.  She is so scared she ( Read more... )

I miss you with everything I am. I sit here hoping this time with family is good for you, that you are having fun and connecting - connecting with those you hold dear and with yourself ( Read more... )