I said aloud to the house.

The empty did not respond.

And so I cried.

I suppose it is no surprise I have developed an extremely rare infection.  10:1 it is a result of my hospital stay.

3:1 it is a result of the guy having extracurricular activities.

And maybe it is something else.  Lord knows, I've been stuck enough times the past few months and there's no way my immune system is anything closer to working ok.

I ( Read more... )

You said yes. I am happy you did. I hope you are, as well.

I know things aren't all ok and we will likely move to a new normal. As we should.

Maybe a normal where we are closer, again? I would like that.

I am happier with you.

I don't want to be resentful and angry with you anymore. I want to let it go ( Read more... )

I wish I could share this mood with you, that you were here with me listening to music, your body close.  I feel fragile and soft and cuddly and at ease, amd sad because you aren't here and I don't know if you ever will be again.

The only music that works tonight are those from my childhood - white lion and bryan adams and that one song from Europe ( Read more... )

When I moved into this place, I thought the back room would be a pool room.  My table needs love I cannot afford so I did the sensible thing and set it up as a den.  I haven't turned the television on since the NCSU-UNC game (the first night Fi was back in my life).  The inhabitants of the room matter (books and family memories) but feel a bit ( Read more... )

Here I sit, a year and 5 days, a year minus 20 days mouringsomething you refuse to acknowledge.

And I'm the bad person?

And no, I don't think you are a bad person. I think you are one hell of a good person in one hell of a bad place.

And yes, I am so fucking angry.

I have extended my patience further than I thought possible.  And yes, I wonder why ( Read more... )

Loneliness.

It would be wrong to say I've never felt so alone.  It might be more accurate to say "I've felt this alone before but not with such a lack of hope."

I don't mean the shock of a moment, or even those moments when you know your world has changed.  I mean the day-to-day curiosity about why I am here and if it matters.

Health

I keep ( Read more... )

I really wish people would stop saying...

You're so strong

And

Take good care of you.

It doesn't help.  It angers.  Do they think I don't know how bloody gaddamned strong am I?  Do they think I fail to take care of me?

I am so determined, I underestimate how unwell I am and push til I break.  Even the strong need to put it down for a bit.

( Read more... )

One year ago tomorrow (today, even) I had the horrid procedure.  Today, I underwent anestesia again to be tested for colon issues.  I figured it would be emotionally tetchy, the testing, since I do not want to die like my father did.

I wore my Fiona and Richard bracelets for comfort.  They were the last things I felt before I went under.  When I ( Read more... )