This is for my new therapy sessions designed to help me come to terms with "fertility" issues.  Quotes because in the strictest sense, these are things with which I struggle, perhaps not in the ways one might traditionally consider.  None-the-less, I am hopeful that folks who spend their careers talking with folks about their body's ability to ( Read more... )

Here's the deal... all of it, or all I can manage tonight.

I love you.  At the end of the day, every single fucking day, I curl in bed with the shirt blue and fall asleep imaging you are next to me. I have for over three years.  I didn't ask for this, didn't even know it was possible.

And that has to matter.

We're too old to pretend we can just ( Read more... )

Alone.

I started crying when I got to alone.  The nice lady took a deep breathe, looked me in the eye and suggested... "perhaps that's where we might pick up next time?"

And she wasn't wrong.

I can no longer make sense of my life in relation to being this alone.  I'm not sure if I want to wander into the blue or feel my toes in the sand.  I also ( Read more... )

As I was arriving to the place to do the hard thing, this song came on. It came on on when I was turning on the street to the hard thing two weeks ago ( Read more... )

I am anxious about therapy tomorrow. This is a temporary detour from my therapist of 13+ years. For whatever reason, I cannot get where I need to go with him. Maybe its familiarity - probably. Maybe it is because he is a guy - probably ( Read more... )

After my annual check-up, I asked my OB/GYN if he had suggestions for someone I might talk to about all that's happened and why I'm avoiding a hysterectomy I rather desperately need.  He had what I hope is a brilliant idea - therapy with the folks at Duke's Infertility Clinic.  Folks that spend their careers dealing with folks' feelings about the ( Read more... )

I asked my obgyn for ideas about how I might get from here to the hysterectomy in a way that eouldn't add to the trauma. He suggested talking with the infertility therapists at Duke. Sideways, but feels the most right of anything ( Read more... )

I couldn't sleep.  What if on NYE, I had a fine drink and walked down to the water to let it take me?  Would it be so bad?  I hear drowning is awful but what if I could experience it as joining the sea?  Me, after a night with my words and dreams and memories ... holding on to the music that let's me sleep, sooner or later.

Then I thought how ( Read more... )

I struggle to write from the heart when yours feels so far from mine.

But I will try, I will write.  So much of life is just doing the things that matter, even when we don't want to do them.  And writing matters.

I got my first round of test results back today. All is okay.  The other results have the potential to be scarier.  We'll see.

I won.   ( Read more... )

"I won", I whispered with twinkling eyes.

My empty home did not respond.

***

I have so much left to say to you, says my print in the guest bath, and yet, I have no idea where to begin, says I.

Tonight, I am concerned my exam tomorrow will reveal results I do not want to hear.  It would change everything, it would ruin my life. Maybe yours.

( Read more... )