I make a solid first attempt at listing losses.  I hope it paints a picture greater than the sum of the words, although the words are lengthy enough even in their factual abbreviated fashion.

Tonight, I would like to attempt a list of accomplishments.  First, yoga.

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I got out.  I didn't give up.

Justin is dead.  Chris is a schizophrenic addicted ( Read more... )

The church I grew up in was apocolyptic - the end of the world is nigh.  Two themes stand out.

Of this world but not in it

I wasn't allowed to be friends with folks outside of my church or family.  I was to be polite at all times, but distant.  When I was in the 4th grade, I went one afternoon to my friend  Barbie's home to work on a school project ( Read more... )

PTSD.

I know it.  Sometimes it helps to have someone else say it aloud.  I'm looking forward to the first step of this new therapy tomorrow.  We're going to talk about the process and then create a timeline of my life - with icons (somehow this makes me laugh).

I have a mental map of life events.  It will be interesting to share with someone who is ( Read more... )

I love you.

Dirty Pool ( Read more... )

So, what am I fighting for, anyways?  I'm not sure I know but let's give this a try.  If I'm going to go down the rabbit hole of darkness, it seems prudent to balance it with light.

I don't know.

Without you, I'm not sure what hope looks like anymore.  I have a decent enough life, better than decent, really.  I have a good job, good insurance, a ( Read more... )

If I give up, I give up because of too many nights alone. I give up because you gave me hope and ripped it away. I give up because if almost dying doesn't bring folks, what do I matter ( Read more... )

I tidied my home. I tidied me.  I lit candles and turned on my speaker, forgoing my usual preference for phone audio since that's how you share with me.  I reviewed two years worth of photos to help establish time and place.  Today I had lunch with a friend of almost 20 years - one of the few who have had as topsy-turvy of a life as mine and ( Read more... )

My therapist of 13+ years and I are taking a break.  It is a healthy break.  I'm going to try intensive therapy with someone who specializes in fertility issues.  It is necessary so I can move from how I feel today (and have for some time) to a place where I can have a hysterectomy without further traumatizing myself.

And all I want to do tonight ( Read more... )

I almost bled to death and there was no one there.

Oh, I watched my father die for 11+ years.  My mother has 21 stents in her heart and I have been there for almost every procedure, even when she's tried to protect me from being there, she's almost died more times than I care to count.  So has my sister (although I can count four in the past year).
( Read more... )