I've put time the last couple of weeks into honoring the purpose of the PTSD informed therapy.  Lest I attempt to minimize the severity of what I've felt and the power of what I'm trying - as I do - I did extensive writing into my anger with you and how my head is trying to come to terms with almost dying and how alone (desolate) I have felt.  I ( Read more... )

Things are getting better.  The plan is working so far.  I think?

Friday I have my first cataract surgery.  I cannot quite imagine the profound change having vision in my right eye again will bring.  The left comes in December.

I had my first maintenance iron infusion.  I feel stronger every week as the iron slowly takes hold and my hemoglobin ( Read more... )

Here's the thing....

My mom was abused as a child, a lot.  She never told my dad.  As young folks, my sister and I were exposed to ideas far beyond our ken - from her, our cousins, perhaps even our aunt.  Dad might have protected us, he 100% would have, had he known.  My perfect mom isn't so kind or good.  Go figure.

And perhaps Chris and ( Read more... )

When I consider the gravity of my thoughts, I'm scared.  It physically hurts.  I'd do most anything to make the pain stop, including things like taking enough Benedryl to knock me out for a couple of days.  My teeth hurt, my bones hurt, my skin hurts - and I feel every single nerve screaming.  I feel so full of emotion if I move, I might explode, ( Read more... )

I'm not as brave or strong as folks think.  I'm stubborn with a bent towards hope and responsibility.

With a tenderness I probably don't share as often as I might.  I'm trying to learn how to honor that softness, to let it show.

Cohen's music has the ability to bring me there and again.  I envy the combination of his voice and words to bring a ( Read more... )

I make a solid first attempt at listing losses.  I hope it paints a picture greater than the sum of the words, although the words are lengthy enough even in their factual abbreviated fashion.

Tonight, I would like to attempt a list of accomplishments.  First, yoga.

*

I got out.  I didn't give up.

Justin is dead.  Chris is a schizophrenic addicted ( Read more... )

The church I grew up in was apocolyptic - the end of the world is nigh.  Two themes stand out.

Of this world but not in it

I wasn't allowed to be friends with folks outside of my church or family.  I was to be polite at all times, but distant.  When I was in the 4th grade, I went one afternoon to my friend  Barbie's home to work on a school project ( Read more... )

PTSD.

I know it.  Sometimes it helps to have someone else say it aloud.  I'm looking forward to the first step of this new therapy tomorrow.  We're going to talk about the process and then create a timeline of my life - with icons (somehow this makes me laugh).

I have a mental map of life events.  It will be interesting to share with someone who is ( Read more... )

I love you.

Dirty Pool ( Read more... )