i met some pretty sweet people tonight.
i went with christina, angelica and colleen to tom's house on grand island for a party.
i met dave eddy, tom, bryan, aj, ali, lindsey, darcey, some other girls, ken and then some guy named christian i think?
anyway, it was really kind of awkward at first.
but then some people left and it was only me, xtina, ang, ( Read more... )

everytime i listen to certain songs on the titanic soundtrack, i start to cry. i don't know why. i don't know if they're happy tears or sad tears or just plain tears. but they're tears. no noises. just tears falling from my eyes, down my cheeks.

i feel like i'm losing myself. no, not myself.
i feel like i'm losing everything BUT myself.
i feel like i' ( Read more... )

i'm a horrible person and a horrible friend.
i'm a pushover and REFUSE to believe what other people say.
and then it blows up in my face.
and i get hurt. and have to pretend to be happy.
and then the ONE thing that makes me happy...
is unattainable.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY LIFE CAN BE SUCH A FUCKING HELLHOLE.

Dear Me,

This is you writing. I’m now seventeen years old, and in a month, a senior in high school.  I have learned so much and I keep thinking it’s because I’m so old. But that’s not true at all. I’m really young. I’ve lived seventeen years of life, as opposed to the seventy or eighty I hope to live to. Seventeen is so little compared ( Read more... )

SUMMER SCHOOL IS OVER.
THE MATH B IS OVER.
I DON'T HAVE TO GET UP AT 7 ANYMORE!!
:D
i'm so happy. so so happy. now i'm just waiting for ms.jackson to call and tell me whether or not i passed! i really hope i do! i really really REALLY do. i don't want to take the fucking math b a fucking THIRD time.
WISH ME LUCK!

anyway today was exciting. not really.
i ( Read more... )

• 
  today was absolutely exhausting. i'm going to update, read a little and then go to bed.
  i'm deadtired.
  so i'm going to make points. to shorten this.
• 
  last day of summer school: i think it was overall a good experience for me. i enjoyed it, believe it or not. i kind of gave me a sense of stability this summer, which i needed when my ( Read more... )

i want to update real quick on my dream last night. because it was weird but amazing at the same time.
so. i'll start from the part i remember, lol.

there were a few of us in a bus. it was me, angelica, courtney, dana, michelle, lizzie, rachel and then some adult was the driver. weird, i know.
so we're all driving. and we stop at my friend chelsea's ( Read more... )

i know for a fact that i'm fooling myself. joe kubeck didn't call me today. but somehow i convinced myself he would call and be really excited to talk to me even though i must have known deep down he was never going to call. well, i just talked to him online (i imed him first, of course) and he said he lost my cell number again (for the third time ( Read more... )

i'm just sad and upset right now.
no one is coming over tonight.
i was just really looking forward to seeing my friends.
i can't even LEAVE the house.
the rents won't let me.

i wish i had a say in my own life.

i'm going crazy to find a purpose for life.
it's exhausting and i still haven't found one.

because when i do find one, i'll be able to live my life contendly.
instead of wondering why i'm putting myself through this hell.