"I blame this town this job these friends but the truth is it's myself"
I think there is a good reason I have kept this as my livejournal slogan for all these years now.

I find myself frequently wanting to leave here, wanting to cut off all relations and even if I build up the same kind of miserable existence in another town at least it wont be ( Read more... )

I'm so sick of cataloging rusty old nails in the historical archaeology lab. Blaaaah.

I've been taking lots of late night walks that end with me running. I have a restless heart. I am going to start working towards living somewhere else again. Santa Cruz showed me it could be easy and I'm wanting to test my barrings somewhere bigger and scarier. I want to go one country mile away for every failure and frustration I've had coming ( Read more... )

One must imagine Sisyphus happy

I can't believe she brought the baby here. It's a normal thing to be baby-sitting as a young female but it is less so when you bring that baby to your slum house in a bad neighborhood where there's no food and people trying to get work done. I don't even want to go outside of my room and ask. I don't want to see the crying squirming wiggling pink ( Read more... )

ever have those days where you want to read a novel that will just tear you apart? i want to cry but it feels like i've simply forgotten how

 I'm at a loss. Leaving Santa Cruz Wednesday and no one here knows that I'm not coming back. Someone said that I was leaving on a lie. I disagree. I just feel that detail doesn't need to be public. Maybe I'm just scared that I will be back and some how coming home won't happen. This whole year has been surreal and I feel it now more than ever. I'm ( Read more... )

I am dreaming of starry moonless nights where you lead me down an old dirt path you used to travel on long ago (because we all know kids are the best and boldest explorers). At the end of it there would be no climax, no grand view; just me and you and the silhouettes of the kind of oak trees you can only find in California. We'd nestle our head in ( Read more... )

I am able bodied, able mind (for the most part). I should be so greatful and yet I make things so hard for myself as if my mission is self-sabotag ( Read more... )

"sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that face
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair anyway"

-Bukowski