now, alan rickman is gone. i've cried more this last week than in the last 5 years. i just can't seem to stop crying, except for yesterday, where i was just angry as fuck. i can't take much more of this.

so work today was okay, but while i thought that i was over any emotions, i was harshly proven wrong. i was stonefaced again, like usual, but then people kept coming up to me. apparently, my love for db is a known fact about me, if one of the few. his name kept being dropped and each time, i felt like kelso from scrubs, when his dog died. "I've ( Read more... )

so david bowie is finally ascended. that's fucking great. i found out at work, when a coworker came up to me and offered my sympathies and i was like "what?" and then they told me, and i felt my stomach drop out of me. i instantly snapped into conceal mode and have repressed anything and everything all day. i actually teared up a few times and my ( Read more... )

God, I'm sick AGAIN. I knew it would happen, as it does every winter, but seriously. My allergies, sinus and lung problems are an annoyance all the time, but when winter swings around, it gets amped to 11. Last night, I couldn't sleep again. I called into work today and luckily enough, I no longer feel any trace of guilt. Whether it's because I'm ( Read more... )

So I got back after spending christmas eve evening and christmas morning with my other family in Neenah and it was nice. It usually is. It's a bright spot most of the time, whenever I visit, for various reasons, but nothing to write home about. I have a persona when I'm there that's easy to play and it isn't normally too taxing to be there. Not ( Read more... )

Forgot about this website, but stumbled across it again just a couple of days ago. Since I can't post anything personal or anything I actually want to say on Facebook, and since Tumblr is my happy place and where I go for distraction, and since my recently reactivated Twitter is just a tool for me to connect with the staff on tv shows I like and ( Read more... )

She told me that I've changed a lot recently. I've had my hair cut really short (I've always been known by my hair, if anything), got my nails done and wear a bit more make-up, if rarely. But all of that is superficial, designed to make me feel slightly better. And it works, I feel different, less hideous, but ultimately, I know, pointless. I set ( Read more... )

I don't want to be something just to be something. I find it idiotic that I need to be something in order to mean something. To someone else, the world, to myself. I live. I have a soul. Just like every other thing on this planet. Yet I feel the urge to be something more. I do want to do something cool or meaningful, but I fear the only reason I'd ( Read more... )

I thought that progress had been made since I longer had to write to distract myself from the rope and because my mood swings had lessened considerably, to the point where I was starting to think that the nothing I was feeling was mental balance ( Read more... )

I was at work and one of my work friends asked me if I ever had "horrible, sticky relationship" or if I had a "jealous ex". First off, I had smirked reflexively, unsure of what to say and horribly confused as to why I was suddenly nervous. She knew that I was kind of weird, but she thought it was because I shy, which I guess I am. But for some ( Read more... )