seriously needing medical intervention for depression. first time in 6, 7 years? i break down constantly when i'm alone, spend way too long contemplating suicide or drinking. trouble sleeping because my dreams keep centering themselves on my failures and lost hopes. went home to see my new nephew and couldn't bring myself to go to the hospital. ( Read more... )

oh hey. its over. christ.

this job is crushing me. i don't know how much longer i can do it.

yesterday was the perfect day to drive to indianapolis--all the snow and ice had been cleared from the past week so the roads were fine, and it was a seasonable 12 degrees which made walking a brisk and sort of frantic exercise. andy and i walked through the entire european art section of the ima before they closed at 9pm. we took our time and ( Read more... )

on the cusp of anything important, i find it impossible to sleep. my life is a constant flux of personal and professional happiness and hardship. i'm either loved or ignored, making money or scraping by, climbing up or tumbling down. there is never a real sense of stasis or permanence. as soon as i write about a situation it seems to take on a life ( Read more... )

i spent my first day of the new year in bed with the man i care for most. we snuggled and slept all day, then put on the same clothes as the night before to eat waffles and drink coffee together. my hair was matted and he had on no socks but as we walked hand in hand down main street i felt so lovely and so special. he ran his thumbs underneath my ( Read more... )

i need to get the fuck out of here. i've effectively created a city with no safe places--i've fucked everyone important and now they either hate me or are bored with me, so i hate looking at or thinking about them. i think it hit me today when sean made it clear that a 20 year old w/ a toddler was more of a catch in his eyes than me...people here ( Read more... )

shit. last night was amazing. everything i could have ever wanted. i can't stop smiling like a god damned idiot. ^_^

its hard to be sneaky in a city so small.

so much of my time is spent in conversation lately. between the heorot and sean's almost constant communication, my voice and my mind have gone hoarse. it isn't a horrible situation by any means--i'm making new friends, having intelligent discussions about varied topics, and becoming an intimate acquaintance in a really lovely person's life--but ( Read more... )