The Third Third 8/10+
Title: The Third Third 8/10+
Author:
insane_songbird
Rating: R
Words: ~4700
Warnings: Violence (Hello, it’s Ice Hockey!), Language, NC17 later-on (that means sex, people!)
Disclaimer: Slavery is bad... It’s a lie, all of it.
Summary: Being a Texas boy Jared Padalecki couldn’t care less about ice hockey. So Jared is slightly lost, when his new roommate Chad is the biggest fan on campus. But when he gets to tutor the most infamous player of the college team, things start to get downright scary. Jensen Ackles has a reputation for aggression control problems and Jared has no idea how to get through the semester without either falling for the handsome man or ending up in a fistfight he’d be sure to lose.
Master Post
previous part
Part Eight
Jensen was chewing on a hand full of gummibears. He knew it wasn’t the ideal food for an athlete, but they were part of his work-gratification program. He was an intelligent man, and as such he was used to getting the hang of things easily. Still he was anything but a Steven Hawking, and there were some subjects that didn’t fly to him as easily as others, and that was very frustrating.
If Jensen didn’t get a feel for the topic it became tiresome, and he used to find himself drifting off if there was no encouragement to be found. That’s when he'd started his work-gratification program. For every certain amount of concentrated study time, or a certain number of pages in a book, Jensen would reward himself with something he would usually deny himself - or at least wouldn’t get without feeling guilty. Most of his unloved workload was compensated in candy or pie, because they were easy to get, and he usually tried to keep away from such things to keep in shape. Well he was a gay man after all, and although he got his workout in training and during their rounds in the gym, he still spent a significant amount of time every day sitting on his lazy ass, either in class or in the library.
Jensen’s experience had shown him that his gratification system worked, and he chanced the few extra pounds he gained during exam weeks, in order to get good grades.
So here he was, sitting at a desk at the far end of the library, rather late, without anybody within shouting distance. He savored the candy taste as long as he could while shutting his last book of the night.
He startled a little when an unexpected presence swept by him to round the table and flop down on the chair opposite him. Jensen stared at Jared, swallowing the last of his reward candy. It had been two weeks since they had encountered each other in that rather heated situation back in Jared’s room. Jensen tried not to let the images of that night’s activities rewind before his inner eye. He had savored those memories for quite a few moments spent alone with a hard on, and that really hadn’t helped him get over the other man. So much for ‘getting it out of his system’.
Jared looked nervous as he fidgeted in his chair like he had an ant-colony hidden in his boxers. “Jensen, hi. I’m sorry to jump you like this, but I saw you sitting here, and it looked like you were done with whatever you were studying, and I just had to seize the opportunity, before I could think too much about it and chicken out again.”
Jared spoke without stopping for a breath. It was mostly nervous rambling, but Jensen thought he understood what Jared was trying to get across to him. Jared wanted to talk, and he was afraid of Jensen’s reaction. Maybe he should be. Thinking back to their tutoring sessions, Jensen remembered the taller man had always seemed slightly uncomfortable and reserved, scared to leave the topic at hand and talk anything but business. Obviously Jared had decided that hadn’t worked and wanted to do the complete opposite now. Jensen was slightly curious about this unfocused Jared, but he was also wary as they'd always managed to end at a point where they wanted to bite off each other’s heads.
Jensen nodded silently, unsure of what to say but unwilling to brush Jared off all the same. His mind had been buzzing around the handsome giant ever since their night of passion had gone down the emotional drain.
Jared nodded back, eyes still blown in a deer-in-the-headlights expression and he took a deep breath. “I was a dick. I behaved like a spoiled kid most of the time, and, yes, you were right. I thought I had you all figured out, but I was wrong.” Jared looked at his hands, fumbling with his sleeve. “I’m sorry. I said some things to you that I am not proud of, and I behaved like the kind of person I don’t want to be.”
The obvious discomfort on Jared’s face made Jensen bite back any answer he might have wanted to give, in order to keep Jared talking.
“You didn’t deserve me to judge you upon facts that didn’t apply to you, and I really didn’t know you.”
Jensen bit his lip. No, Jared didn’t know him, and it had stung Jensen, because he had been at a point where he wanted that to be different several times.
“That’s why I decided to show you that I am not the mean person I behaved like, and that I really do want to get to know you. I made an effort…”
Jensen frowned at him, not understanding where this was going.
“Since the two of us weren’t really on speaking terms, I kinda researched you in the papers and the internet.”
Jensen’s eyebrows rose. Jared did what?
The taller man ducked his head, slightly embarrassed. “I know it’s probably a really cheap thing to do, and for a moment I thought about collecting what I've learned in a folder and handing it to you, to prove my effort. But then I didn’t really find much more than Chad already had in his big gossip-filled head. I also thought it would probably come across like the move of some creepy stalker, and I really don’t want to be visited by the police; my momma would hunt my ass until the end of days if she ever found out about that.”
Jensen couldn’t help laughing at that image as he agreed that it would have come across like a creep’s handiwork - not that the ‘research’ operation Jared had conducted wasn’t creepy enough all by itself. He caught himself after a second or two and bit his lip, trying to smooth his face back to seriousness.
Jared seemed torn between relief and anxiety. “I… I - anyway.” He took a deep breath, reminding Jensen of the exercises pregnant women learned in prenatal classes. “I thought about trying other sources, but I thought that, after Chris threatened to kill me once already, it probably wasn’t the best of ideas to try and interview your friends…”
Jensen frowned at Jared. “Chris threatened you?”
Jared shrugged looking uncomfortable. “Yeah, kinda. He came storming into my room after… you know… that night. He told me he’d end me if I ever dared pull a stunt like that again.”
Jensen couldn’t help the small grin that formed on his face. Chris really was his best friend.
“If Chad hadn’t explained the whole fuck-up to him it might have gotten ugly… The fact that I collapsed, nearly crying and begging for forgiveness probably helped as well.”
Jensen’s eyes snapped back to the man sitting across from him. “You did?”
Jared blushed, looking at the table with an expression that screamed, ‘Did I just say that out loud?’
“Kinda.” Jared didn’t look up at Jensen, who just stared at him for a long moment, trying to make sense of this madness. Then Jared cleared his throat, seemingly deciding to swing the topic back to the matter at hand, although what matter exactly that was still exceeded Jensen’s understanding. “So here I am, spammed with half-knowledge, Chad’s gossip, and some wannabe writer’s presumed facts about who Jensen Ackles is, and I’m just as dumb as before.”
Finally Jared looked up and his eyes were laced with unabashed fear and hope.
“So I decided that there is only one way of really getting to know you, and not who other people might make you seem to be, and that is by talking to you… asking.” He coughed, eyes skimming around nervously. “And that’s what I’m here for. I’m asking. Please?”
Jensen looked at him, his mouth working but unsure of what to say. He stopped to swallow, and when he looked at Jared his eyes locked with Jared’s hazel ones, and although he wasn’t quite sure what had been asked of him, he just knew that he wanted to grant it.
“For what?”
“I’m… I want to get to know you, Jensen. I want you to tell me about yourself… I dunno.” Jared blushed again, and Jensen felt his heart rate quicken. “I want us to not be strangers anymore, because I think that whoever Jensen Ackles is might be a person I could really like. A lot. I’m not willing to let that chance pass by, and I hope you won’t either.”
Jared’s face was as open as Jensen had ever seen it, and he felt a tug in his stomach that made his want flare back up stronger than before, but his brain put in veto.
“How do you expect that to work? Do you think that answering an array of standardized questions will really get you to know me?”
Jared shook his head violently, his eyes big. “No… god, no! I mean… this should be a mutual thing! Not just me asking, and you answering but also the other way around. I mean I didn’t really care and share before either.”
Jensen nodded slowly, wanting to say yes and jump onto Jared’s suggestion, but he didn’t quite dare.
Jared looked at him, his expression as sincere as it ever got. “Let me buy you dinner, and we can talk… Only that, nothing more. Please?”
Jensen closed his eyes, emotions of hope and wariness battling inside him, and he took a leap of faith. “All right.” For a moment, he wasn’t sure if he dared open his eyes, afraid that it had all been a hoax. But when he did he saw nothing but relief, and gratitude, and a sparkle of hope and happiness in Jared’s eyes.
“Thank you, Jensen!” Jared got up and swirled around the table, stopping only one foot sort of Jensen, looking insecure once more. “I’d hug you, but I’m not sure that’s all right.”
Jensen felt a smile bubble up in him, and he stood. Jared took the invitation and squeezed the other man for a moment, Jensen seizing the opportunity to take a deep breath of Jared’s shirt where his face was pressed against the taller man’s shoulder. It nearly made his knees give way.
Jared looked like he could hardly keep from bouncing as he dug inside his bag and fumbled out a slip of paper and a pen. “How about Friday at seven?” He scribbled something on the paper and handed it to Jensen. “That’s my number. If anything comes up, you can call me… errm, I…”
Jensen took the offered note, snatched the pen from Jared and wrote his own phone-number below, ripping the paper in half and passing the second part back to Jared, who beamed at him. “I’ll wait in front of the dorm.”
“Great.” Now, Jared actually did bounce, and Jensen couldn’t help but give him a smile. An excited Jared was a really cute thing to watch.
Before he could help himself, Jensen stifled a yawn. He had studied for a long time, and it was already well past midnight. “Sorry. I think I should go to bed, before I start catching flies with my mouth open…”
Jared grinned at him, nodding, and they started walking out of the library in companionable silence. Jensen wondered how this could be the same guy who'd nearly driven him mad only a few weeks earlier.
Outside, their ways parted, and Jensen gave Jared one last smile. “See you Friday.”
Jared grinned, showing dimples. “Friday.”
Jensen turned and walked off, but he'd only gone a few yards, before he heard Jared’s voice behind him. “Just one question to get me over the rest of the week?”
Jensen turned, raising his eyebrow.
“How does a Texas boy get to play hockey?”
Jensen smirked at him. “Ever been to Alaska?” With that he turned and left, wondering if it was really a good idea to have dinner with Jared - not even considering the fact that it might count as a date.
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Jared was nervous. Actually it was ridiculous how nervous he was, but Chad making suggestive comments all day, and the girls squealing behind his back really didn’t help his anxiety towards the dinner-plans he had with Jensen. He felt like a teenager before their first date. When finally the time to leave rolled around, he was annoyed by his own restlessness.
As Jared approached the dormitory Jensen lived in, he could see the other man exiting the main doors, pulling his jacket closed over his chest. Jared stepped closer and offered a nervous smile. “Hey, Jensen.”
“Hi.” Jensen fidgeted, stepping from one foot to the other. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Jared debated whether it was from cold or nerves. No matter which was the case, Jared wanted to wrap him into his arms, but he resisted the urge, because that might mean the immediate end of their meeting, which was not a date but certainly felt like one.
“I don’t have a car, so I thought we might go to a nice place I know, it’s only two blocks north, so we could walk…” Jared had thought about borrowing a car from one of his friends, but he really liked the Italian place he had picked, and it was close enough for a relaxing walk.
Jensen nodded. “Sounds good.” They walked off campus in silence, and Jared tried to decide if it was a good kind of silence, or the awkward silence that you had when two people just didn’t have anything in common.
He decided to start the conversation with a light topic. “Chad laughed at me when I picked the thick jacket earlier, but I just never get used to the chill around here… I think Texas spoiled me.”
Jensen chuckled, and Jared felt his stomach flutter at the sound. “Well… you’ve never been in the vicinity of Anchorage, have you?”
Jared shuddered from the thought alone. “Alaska? No way, man!” He stole a sideways glance at Jensen, who looked much more relaxed and a lot less chilled… and decided in favor of nerves concerning the earlier question. “You been there?”
“Yup.”
“That’s where you learned hockey, right?”
“It’s THE sport in Alaska.”
“I bet… How long did you live there?”
“A year.”
Jared nodded. “How old were you?”
“Ten or so.“
„Why did you stay with it? Why not take up another sport later?”
Jensen looked at Jared as though he knew what Jared was thinking. “It was fun. I like skating, and we moved to Scandinavia not long after that, so it was a rather convenient sport to play.”
“How often did you move?”
Jensen frowned, shrugging. “I didn’t count. Every year… sometimes every two, sometimes after only a few months.”
“Must’ve sucked.” Jard scrunched up his nose. “I was bred, born and raised in San Antonio. I can’t imagine moving around all the time. Coming here has already been hard. I mean, I've known most of my friends since kindergarten…” He looked at Jensen walking beside him, watching Jared through green eyes. “Finding friends must have been hard if you always moved around.” He wondered if he was digging too deep, but Jensen just gave him a wry smile and shrugged once more.
“That’s what the sports is all about. You find a team; you find friends.”
“Is that why you’re still playing?”
Jensen chuckled. “No. Most of my friends are on the team - that just comes with spending so much sweat and tears together - but I mainly went into college hockey, because it pays tuition.”
“You got a scholarship?”
Jensen nodded as they came to the small restaurant Jared had picked. “I hope you like Italian food?”
“Dude, everyone likes Italian food.”
A minute later they were seated and flipping through the menu, talking about pasta, and the pizza they got in their college cafeteria, before the waiter took their orders.
“My little sister would love this place. She’s all into seafood pasta…”
“You have a sister?” Jensen cocked his head.
“Yup. Megan, she’s still in high school. My big brother Jeff works in advertisement.”
Jensen gave him a smug grin. “So you’re a middle child.”
Jared blushed slightly, shrugging. “Yes. What can I say? We all have our issues.”
“Tell me about it! My older brother is the pride of my parents. He’s in the corps, AND he’s a doctor. How could I ever beat THAT?” Jensen huffed, and Jared nodded. He understood what Jensen was talking about. His parents had long since given up on him marrying a nice girl and giving them grandchildren like they had wanted him to. They had come to terms with his life choices. But still he sometimes felt like he could not fulfill their ideals.
Jared felt a slight satisfaction as the knowledge of just how personal this conversation had become started to filter into his brain.
“So… how’d you tell your parents?” Jensen’s look was genuinely interested.
Jared blushed slightly, looking down at the table. “I didn’t get the chance to, after my little sister bumped into me and my first boyfriend during a make-out session and announced her findings to the whole house and most likely half the neighborhood with her squealing… God, that was embarrassing.” He managed a pained grin and looked up to see Jensen choking back what might have been laughter.
Jensen took a sip of his drink and grinned at Jared before clearing his throat. “Well… Mine wasn't as exciting, thank goodness. I just told my parents that I wasn’t going to join the Navy like I had planned but would come here on a scholarship. They were absolutely excited.”
“So you didn’t tell them?” Jared frowned at Jensen. He thought being out in front of the whole college must mean his family was aware, but then again they lived halfway around the globe. “And you wanted to be a soldier.”
Jensen’s smile tipped a little. “That was the plan… But I told them. I told them I wanted to go to college instead of the Navy, because I was gay, and I felt the military wasn't the right place for a person like me.”
Jared took a deep breath, trying to imagine how that discussion might have gone down. “So how’d they react?”
“My mom cried, and my dad postponed any judgment until about a month later, when he returned from his next assignment.”
“Ouch.”
Jensen shrugged, looking smaller than before.
Jared could only imagine how Jensen must have felt; how he probably still did. “My parents gave me the whole ‘Give us time to adjust, but of course we still love you’-speech… after throwing my boyfriend out, of course.”
Jensen was trying to gloss over it, but Jared could see the small signs of unease that proved the matter had not yet blown over. “Yeah, well… It felt pretty crappy to know that my mom cried because of who I was - who I still am - but she came around really fast. She said she just cried because of the hard path I've chosen in life.”
“And was it really that?” Jared knew he was digging deep, but he felt like Jensen needed to tell him, or at least just tell someone.
“I believe that’s what she thinks it was now. But in that moment? No. On the other hand, it wasn’t a ‘choice’ for me either. It’s just who I am. So that makes it all rather questionable anyway.”
“Well maybe she was just shocked,” offered Jared.
Jensen bit his lip, eyes meeting Jared’s shortly before averting them again. “Yeah, I know that I don’t really fit the profile. But I can’t help who I am.”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Jared was rewarded with a shy smile, and that encouraged him to go on. “Maybe you’re not a flaming queen, but, honestly, I think I like you this way.”
“But I don't even register on your gay-dar.” Jensen looked at him sceptically.
“That’s because my gay-dar has been broken ever since I left Texas… I think it’s too cold up here or something… I mean Sandy had to practically draw me a map before I noticed Milo was gay.”
“Venti- what’s his name? Dude, it IS broken.” Jensen faked a scandalized look.
“Told you so… and maybe it’s not my place to say so, but I think the gay world should be glad to have you. Even if you don't look the type when you wear your skates… and you sometimes scare the crap out of me.” Jared blushed again, cursing the fact that blushing seemed to be the one thing he could really pull off that evening.
Jensen’s eyebrows rose. “I do?”
Jared nodded nervously, eyes skimming over the table, hands fumbling the napkin. “You can be really intimidating at times.”
He heard Jensen hiss and glanced up to be met by an apologetic look. “Sorry about that. I get defensive really easily… and, in hockey, offence is the best defense, I guess.”
Jared laughed, the tension dropping away. “Well your defence seems to be really good then.”
“Tell that to my poor head.” Jensen rubbed the back of his scalp, and Jared cringed at the memory of the man lying face down on the ice. It made him shudder, and cold coiled in his stomach.
“I was really scared when I saw him hit you.”
Every trace of a smile disappeared from Jensen's face, and Jared’s innards yearned for its return. “Yeah that kinda sucked.”
“Sucked?” Jared gave him the ‘are you nuts’ look. “I think Chad was already standing ready to catch me should I faint… I mean, when you lay there, it was like a bad dream.”
Jensen snorted. “Believe me. Dreams don’t hurt like that.”
“When they carried you out I just… all I could do was stare at the blood that was smeared on the ice. It seemed so surreal.” Jared bit his lip, feeling foolish that this whole thing seemed to have hit home harder than the hockey stick had hit Jensen.
“There was blood?” Jensen frowned, his eyes distant as though he was sorting through a puzzle he hadn’t quite pieced together yet. “Huh. Must have been from the laceration… it took twelve stitches. I could show you my scar, but that might be a little too Lethal Weapon, don’t you think?
Once more Jared watched as Jensen scratched the crown of his head, looking slightly befuddled. “Do you remember it at all?”
“Yeah, I… well, not the thing itself, but - I remember turning away, and then I found myself lying on the ice, I remember that my eyes wouldn’t focus, and the only thing I knew was that I had to get that helmet off, but I don’t know how I actually managed that.”
Jared looked at him with concerned apprehension. He could see that the whole thing was still gnawing on Jensen, more than the other man would admit. “I’m sorry your family couldn’t come to visit you in hospital.”
Jensen shrugged, a move Jared was becoming very familiar with seeing. “I didn’t tell them… They would have come, but I- I just didn’t want them to worry, when I wasn’t really hurt all that badly.”
Jared stared at him for a moment. Maybe the actual injuries were not life threatening, but the incident itself had been. Jensen’s family would probably have wanted to know. “Did you press charges?”
Jensen snorted and gave Jared a look that held annoyance, but it wasn’t meant for Jared. “Jeff forced me to.”
“Who’s Jeff?” Did Jensen have a boyfriend after all? Jared kicked himself, because Chad or Chris would have told him, but he couldn’t help wondering.
“Coach Morgan.”
“You call him by his first name?”
Jensen shrugged. “He kinda took me under his wing. He’s a great mentor.”
Jared felt a weight he hadn’t noticed falling being lifted again. He berated himself .because this was just an innocent dinner, and he had no right to feel jealousy towards anyone in Jensen’s life.
“I didn’t want to press charges, but Jeff made it a choice between having my own way and having my scholarship, so I did.”
Jared’s eyebrows rose. Coach Morgan seemed to be quite the personality. “Why wouldn’t you want to press charges? He should be punished, so people know that something like that won't be tolerated.”
“That’s what the coach said… I just wanted it to be over. But I guess it isn’t.”
Jared tried to wrap his mind around Jensen. “Jensen, you’re maybe the strongest person I know… I mean you’re fierce when it comes to defending what you are - who you are. Why would you back off after what happened? Guys like that have to see that they can’t get away with something like this, and if anyone has the guts to show them, I think it’s you.” His looked Jensen directly in the eye, pleading that the other man would understand.
Jensen wiped his hand over his face in an erratic move, his eyes met Jared’s, and it hurt the taller man’s soul to see just how tired they looked. “Maybe that’s it, Jared. Maybe I’m just sick of always being the only one to stand his ground out there… I mean, why do I always have to be the strong one? Why is it always me who has to face all that shit head on, when the rest of you duck away? Do you think it’s fun to tell some middle-aged police officer with a wife and two point four children, living his bigoted life in suburbia that you got hit with a hockey stick by a guy just like him, because you like cock rather than pussy. Do you think the man will really sympathize with you after he hears that this all happened because you told the guy to suck your cock? It’s NOT.”
Jared was rather glad that Jensen hadn't raised his voice. He did not scream. Instead, he lowered his tone to a dark whisper that rumbled deeply in his throat. Jared’s eyes grew wide at the harshly hissed words, and he stared at Jensen for a moment, guilt and understanding pouring into his features. “I- I’m sorry Jensen. You’re right. You shouldn’t have to take it all on alone. I didn’t know it was like that.” He nodded solemnly. “You don’t have to stand up to it all by yourself.”
Jensen’s anger deflated visibly, and he took a long drink, stalling for time. “I’m sorry, Jared, I shouldn’t have snapped like that… The first court hearing is soon, and the topic is kinda sore right now. It’s just the way it is, and I should be used to it by now.”
“But it’s not right.”
“A lot of things aren’t right, Jared.” Jensen gave him a bitter smile. “I don’t think hitting everyone who calls me a fag is the right thing to do either… I just sometimes can’t help myself. If I don’t stand up for myself, who will?”
“I would.” The words left Jared’s mouth before they could register with his brain, but said organ approved. He would. Jensen was worth it, that he was sure of by now.
“Really?” The other man raised his eyebrows at Jared skeptically. “I don’t think so.”
Jared shrugged. “Hopefully we never have to find out.”
“Stick around me long enough, and you can be damn sure we will.” The words were accompanied by a cocky grin.
“I just might.” Jared grinned back.
…next part…
Sorry about the delay but I had work in my way as well as my mom’s birthday. You can make me work faster if you give me some FEEDBACK, because things go so much easier, when I feel loved!
Author:
insane_songbird
Rating: R
Words: ~4700
Warnings: Violence (Hello, it’s Ice Hockey!), Language, NC17 later-on (that means sex, people!)
Disclaimer: Slavery is bad... It’s a lie, all of it.
Summary: Being a Texas boy Jared Padalecki couldn’t care less about ice hockey. So Jared is slightly lost, when his new roommate Chad is the biggest fan on campus. But when he gets to tutor the most infamous player of the college team, things start to get downright scary. Jensen Ackles has a reputation for aggression control problems and Jared has no idea how to get through the semester without either falling for the handsome man or ending up in a fistfight he’d be sure to lose.
Master Post
previous part
Part Eight
Jensen was chewing on a hand full of gummibears. He knew it wasn’t the ideal food for an athlete, but they were part of his work-gratification program. He was an intelligent man, and as such he was used to getting the hang of things easily. Still he was anything but a Steven Hawking, and there were some subjects that didn’t fly to him as easily as others, and that was very frustrating.
If Jensen didn’t get a feel for the topic it became tiresome, and he used to find himself drifting off if there was no encouragement to be found. That’s when he'd started his work-gratification program. For every certain amount of concentrated study time, or a certain number of pages in a book, Jensen would reward himself with something he would usually deny himself - or at least wouldn’t get without feeling guilty. Most of his unloved workload was compensated in candy or pie, because they were easy to get, and he usually tried to keep away from such things to keep in shape. Well he was a gay man after all, and although he got his workout in training and during their rounds in the gym, he still spent a significant amount of time every day sitting on his lazy ass, either in class or in the library.
Jensen’s experience had shown him that his gratification system worked, and he chanced the few extra pounds he gained during exam weeks, in order to get good grades.
So here he was, sitting at a desk at the far end of the library, rather late, without anybody within shouting distance. He savored the candy taste as long as he could while shutting his last book of the night.
He startled a little when an unexpected presence swept by him to round the table and flop down on the chair opposite him. Jensen stared at Jared, swallowing the last of his reward candy. It had been two weeks since they had encountered each other in that rather heated situation back in Jared’s room. Jensen tried not to let the images of that night’s activities rewind before his inner eye. He had savored those memories for quite a few moments spent alone with a hard on, and that really hadn’t helped him get over the other man. So much for ‘getting it out of his system’.
Jared looked nervous as he fidgeted in his chair like he had an ant-colony hidden in his boxers. “Jensen, hi. I’m sorry to jump you like this, but I saw you sitting here, and it looked like you were done with whatever you were studying, and I just had to seize the opportunity, before I could think too much about it and chicken out again.”
Jared spoke without stopping for a breath. It was mostly nervous rambling, but Jensen thought he understood what Jared was trying to get across to him. Jared wanted to talk, and he was afraid of Jensen’s reaction. Maybe he should be. Thinking back to their tutoring sessions, Jensen remembered the taller man had always seemed slightly uncomfortable and reserved, scared to leave the topic at hand and talk anything but business. Obviously Jared had decided that hadn’t worked and wanted to do the complete opposite now. Jensen was slightly curious about this unfocused Jared, but he was also wary as they'd always managed to end at a point where they wanted to bite off each other’s heads.
Jensen nodded silently, unsure of what to say but unwilling to brush Jared off all the same. His mind had been buzzing around the handsome giant ever since their night of passion had gone down the emotional drain.
Jared nodded back, eyes still blown in a deer-in-the-headlights expression and he took a deep breath. “I was a dick. I behaved like a spoiled kid most of the time, and, yes, you were right. I thought I had you all figured out, but I was wrong.” Jared looked at his hands, fumbling with his sleeve. “I’m sorry. I said some things to you that I am not proud of, and I behaved like the kind of person I don’t want to be.”
The obvious discomfort on Jared’s face made Jensen bite back any answer he might have wanted to give, in order to keep Jared talking.
“You didn’t deserve me to judge you upon facts that didn’t apply to you, and I really didn’t know you.”
Jensen bit his lip. No, Jared didn’t know him, and it had stung Jensen, because he had been at a point where he wanted that to be different several times.
“That’s why I decided to show you that I am not the mean person I behaved like, and that I really do want to get to know you. I made an effort…”
Jensen frowned at him, not understanding where this was going.
“Since the two of us weren’t really on speaking terms, I kinda researched you in the papers and the internet.”
Jensen’s eyebrows rose. Jared did what?
The taller man ducked his head, slightly embarrassed. “I know it’s probably a really cheap thing to do, and for a moment I thought about collecting what I've learned in a folder and handing it to you, to prove my effort. But then I didn’t really find much more than Chad already had in his big gossip-filled head. I also thought it would probably come across like the move of some creepy stalker, and I really don’t want to be visited by the police; my momma would hunt my ass until the end of days if she ever found out about that.”
Jensen couldn’t help laughing at that image as he agreed that it would have come across like a creep’s handiwork - not that the ‘research’ operation Jared had conducted wasn’t creepy enough all by itself. He caught himself after a second or two and bit his lip, trying to smooth his face back to seriousness.
Jared seemed torn between relief and anxiety. “I… I - anyway.” He took a deep breath, reminding Jensen of the exercises pregnant women learned in prenatal classes. “I thought about trying other sources, but I thought that, after Chris threatened to kill me once already, it probably wasn’t the best of ideas to try and interview your friends…”
Jensen frowned at Jared. “Chris threatened you?”
Jared shrugged looking uncomfortable. “Yeah, kinda. He came storming into my room after… you know… that night. He told me he’d end me if I ever dared pull a stunt like that again.”
Jensen couldn’t help the small grin that formed on his face. Chris really was his best friend.
“If Chad hadn’t explained the whole fuck-up to him it might have gotten ugly… The fact that I collapsed, nearly crying and begging for forgiveness probably helped as well.”
Jensen’s eyes snapped back to the man sitting across from him. “You did?”
Jared blushed, looking at the table with an expression that screamed, ‘Did I just say that out loud?’
“Kinda.” Jared didn’t look up at Jensen, who just stared at him for a long moment, trying to make sense of this madness. Then Jared cleared his throat, seemingly deciding to swing the topic back to the matter at hand, although what matter exactly that was still exceeded Jensen’s understanding. “So here I am, spammed with half-knowledge, Chad’s gossip, and some wannabe writer’s presumed facts about who Jensen Ackles is, and I’m just as dumb as before.”
Finally Jared looked up and his eyes were laced with unabashed fear and hope.
“So I decided that there is only one way of really getting to know you, and not who other people might make you seem to be, and that is by talking to you… asking.” He coughed, eyes skimming around nervously. “And that’s what I’m here for. I’m asking. Please?”
Jensen looked at him, his mouth working but unsure of what to say. He stopped to swallow, and when he looked at Jared his eyes locked with Jared’s hazel ones, and although he wasn’t quite sure what had been asked of him, he just knew that he wanted to grant it.
“For what?”
“I’m… I want to get to know you, Jensen. I want you to tell me about yourself… I dunno.” Jared blushed again, and Jensen felt his heart rate quicken. “I want us to not be strangers anymore, because I think that whoever Jensen Ackles is might be a person I could really like. A lot. I’m not willing to let that chance pass by, and I hope you won’t either.”
Jared’s face was as open as Jensen had ever seen it, and he felt a tug in his stomach that made his want flare back up stronger than before, but his brain put in veto.
“How do you expect that to work? Do you think that answering an array of standardized questions will really get you to know me?”
Jared shook his head violently, his eyes big. “No… god, no! I mean… this should be a mutual thing! Not just me asking, and you answering but also the other way around. I mean I didn’t really care and share before either.”
Jensen nodded slowly, wanting to say yes and jump onto Jared’s suggestion, but he didn’t quite dare.
Jared looked at him, his expression as sincere as it ever got. “Let me buy you dinner, and we can talk… Only that, nothing more. Please?”
Jensen closed his eyes, emotions of hope and wariness battling inside him, and he took a leap of faith. “All right.” For a moment, he wasn’t sure if he dared open his eyes, afraid that it had all been a hoax. But when he did he saw nothing but relief, and gratitude, and a sparkle of hope and happiness in Jared’s eyes.
“Thank you, Jensen!” Jared got up and swirled around the table, stopping only one foot sort of Jensen, looking insecure once more. “I’d hug you, but I’m not sure that’s all right.”
Jensen felt a smile bubble up in him, and he stood. Jared took the invitation and squeezed the other man for a moment, Jensen seizing the opportunity to take a deep breath of Jared’s shirt where his face was pressed against the taller man’s shoulder. It nearly made his knees give way.
Jared looked like he could hardly keep from bouncing as he dug inside his bag and fumbled out a slip of paper and a pen. “How about Friday at seven?” He scribbled something on the paper and handed it to Jensen. “That’s my number. If anything comes up, you can call me… errm, I…”
Jensen took the offered note, snatched the pen from Jared and wrote his own phone-number below, ripping the paper in half and passing the second part back to Jared, who beamed at him. “I’ll wait in front of the dorm.”
“Great.” Now, Jared actually did bounce, and Jensen couldn’t help but give him a smile. An excited Jared was a really cute thing to watch.
Before he could help himself, Jensen stifled a yawn. He had studied for a long time, and it was already well past midnight. “Sorry. I think I should go to bed, before I start catching flies with my mouth open…”
Jared grinned at him, nodding, and they started walking out of the library in companionable silence. Jensen wondered how this could be the same guy who'd nearly driven him mad only a few weeks earlier.
Outside, their ways parted, and Jensen gave Jared one last smile. “See you Friday.”
Jared grinned, showing dimples. “Friday.”
Jensen turned and walked off, but he'd only gone a few yards, before he heard Jared’s voice behind him. “Just one question to get me over the rest of the week?”
Jensen turned, raising his eyebrow.
“How does a Texas boy get to play hockey?”
Jensen smirked at him. “Ever been to Alaska?” With that he turned and left, wondering if it was really a good idea to have dinner with Jared - not even considering the fact that it might count as a date.
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
Jared was nervous. Actually it was ridiculous how nervous he was, but Chad making suggestive comments all day, and the girls squealing behind his back really didn’t help his anxiety towards the dinner-plans he had with Jensen. He felt like a teenager before their first date. When finally the time to leave rolled around, he was annoyed by his own restlessness.
As Jared approached the dormitory Jensen lived in, he could see the other man exiting the main doors, pulling his jacket closed over his chest. Jared stepped closer and offered a nervous smile. “Hey, Jensen.”
“Hi.” Jensen fidgeted, stepping from one foot to the other. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Jared debated whether it was from cold or nerves. No matter which was the case, Jared wanted to wrap him into his arms, but he resisted the urge, because that might mean the immediate end of their meeting, which was not a date but certainly felt like one.
“I don’t have a car, so I thought we might go to a nice place I know, it’s only two blocks north, so we could walk…” Jared had thought about borrowing a car from one of his friends, but he really liked the Italian place he had picked, and it was close enough for a relaxing walk.
Jensen nodded. “Sounds good.” They walked off campus in silence, and Jared tried to decide if it was a good kind of silence, or the awkward silence that you had when two people just didn’t have anything in common.
He decided to start the conversation with a light topic. “Chad laughed at me when I picked the thick jacket earlier, but I just never get used to the chill around here… I think Texas spoiled me.”
Jensen chuckled, and Jared felt his stomach flutter at the sound. “Well… you’ve never been in the vicinity of Anchorage, have you?”
Jared shuddered from the thought alone. “Alaska? No way, man!” He stole a sideways glance at Jensen, who looked much more relaxed and a lot less chilled… and decided in favor of nerves concerning the earlier question. “You been there?”
“Yup.”
“That’s where you learned hockey, right?”
“It’s THE sport in Alaska.”
“I bet… How long did you live there?”
“A year.”
Jared nodded. “How old were you?”
“Ten or so.“
„Why did you stay with it? Why not take up another sport later?”
Jensen looked at Jared as though he knew what Jared was thinking. “It was fun. I like skating, and we moved to Scandinavia not long after that, so it was a rather convenient sport to play.”
“How often did you move?”
Jensen frowned, shrugging. “I didn’t count. Every year… sometimes every two, sometimes after only a few months.”
“Must’ve sucked.” Jard scrunched up his nose. “I was bred, born and raised in San Antonio. I can’t imagine moving around all the time. Coming here has already been hard. I mean, I've known most of my friends since kindergarten…” He looked at Jensen walking beside him, watching Jared through green eyes. “Finding friends must have been hard if you always moved around.” He wondered if he was digging too deep, but Jensen just gave him a wry smile and shrugged once more.
“That’s what the sports is all about. You find a team; you find friends.”
“Is that why you’re still playing?”
Jensen chuckled. “No. Most of my friends are on the team - that just comes with spending so much sweat and tears together - but I mainly went into college hockey, because it pays tuition.”
“You got a scholarship?”
Jensen nodded as they came to the small restaurant Jared had picked. “I hope you like Italian food?”
“Dude, everyone likes Italian food.”
A minute later they were seated and flipping through the menu, talking about pasta, and the pizza they got in their college cafeteria, before the waiter took their orders.
“My little sister would love this place. She’s all into seafood pasta…”
“You have a sister?” Jensen cocked his head.
“Yup. Megan, she’s still in high school. My big brother Jeff works in advertisement.”
Jensen gave him a smug grin. “So you’re a middle child.”
Jared blushed slightly, shrugging. “Yes. What can I say? We all have our issues.”
“Tell me about it! My older brother is the pride of my parents. He’s in the corps, AND he’s a doctor. How could I ever beat THAT?” Jensen huffed, and Jared nodded. He understood what Jensen was talking about. His parents had long since given up on him marrying a nice girl and giving them grandchildren like they had wanted him to. They had come to terms with his life choices. But still he sometimes felt like he could not fulfill their ideals.
Jared felt a slight satisfaction as the knowledge of just how personal this conversation had become started to filter into his brain.
“So… how’d you tell your parents?” Jensen’s look was genuinely interested.
Jared blushed slightly, looking down at the table. “I didn’t get the chance to, after my little sister bumped into me and my first boyfriend during a make-out session and announced her findings to the whole house and most likely half the neighborhood with her squealing… God, that was embarrassing.” He managed a pained grin and looked up to see Jensen choking back what might have been laughter.
Jensen took a sip of his drink and grinned at Jared before clearing his throat. “Well… Mine wasn't as exciting, thank goodness. I just told my parents that I wasn’t going to join the Navy like I had planned but would come here on a scholarship. They were absolutely excited.”
“So you didn’t tell them?” Jared frowned at Jensen. He thought being out in front of the whole college must mean his family was aware, but then again they lived halfway around the globe. “And you wanted to be a soldier.”
Jensen’s smile tipped a little. “That was the plan… But I told them. I told them I wanted to go to college instead of the Navy, because I was gay, and I felt the military wasn't the right place for a person like me.”
Jared took a deep breath, trying to imagine how that discussion might have gone down. “So how’d they react?”
“My mom cried, and my dad postponed any judgment until about a month later, when he returned from his next assignment.”
“Ouch.”
Jensen shrugged, looking smaller than before.
Jared could only imagine how Jensen must have felt; how he probably still did. “My parents gave me the whole ‘Give us time to adjust, but of course we still love you’-speech… after throwing my boyfriend out, of course.”
Jensen was trying to gloss over it, but Jared could see the small signs of unease that proved the matter had not yet blown over. “Yeah, well… It felt pretty crappy to know that my mom cried because of who I was - who I still am - but she came around really fast. She said she just cried because of the hard path I've chosen in life.”
“And was it really that?” Jared knew he was digging deep, but he felt like Jensen needed to tell him, or at least just tell someone.
“I believe that’s what she thinks it was now. But in that moment? No. On the other hand, it wasn’t a ‘choice’ for me either. It’s just who I am. So that makes it all rather questionable anyway.”
“Well maybe she was just shocked,” offered Jared.
Jensen bit his lip, eyes meeting Jared’s shortly before averting them again. “Yeah, I know that I don’t really fit the profile. But I can’t help who I am.”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Jared was rewarded with a shy smile, and that encouraged him to go on. “Maybe you’re not a flaming queen, but, honestly, I think I like you this way.”
“But I don't even register on your gay-dar.” Jensen looked at him sceptically.
“That’s because my gay-dar has been broken ever since I left Texas… I think it’s too cold up here or something… I mean Sandy had to practically draw me a map before I noticed Milo was gay.”
“Venti- what’s his name? Dude, it IS broken.” Jensen faked a scandalized look.
“Told you so… and maybe it’s not my place to say so, but I think the gay world should be glad to have you. Even if you don't look the type when you wear your skates… and you sometimes scare the crap out of me.” Jared blushed again, cursing the fact that blushing seemed to be the one thing he could really pull off that evening.
Jensen’s eyebrows rose. “I do?”
Jared nodded nervously, eyes skimming over the table, hands fumbling the napkin. “You can be really intimidating at times.”
He heard Jensen hiss and glanced up to be met by an apologetic look. “Sorry about that. I get defensive really easily… and, in hockey, offence is the best defense, I guess.”
Jared laughed, the tension dropping away. “Well your defence seems to be really good then.”
“Tell that to my poor head.” Jensen rubbed the back of his scalp, and Jared cringed at the memory of the man lying face down on the ice. It made him shudder, and cold coiled in his stomach.
“I was really scared when I saw him hit you.”
Every trace of a smile disappeared from Jensen's face, and Jared’s innards yearned for its return. “Yeah that kinda sucked.”
“Sucked?” Jared gave him the ‘are you nuts’ look. “I think Chad was already standing ready to catch me should I faint… I mean, when you lay there, it was like a bad dream.”
Jensen snorted. “Believe me. Dreams don’t hurt like that.”
“When they carried you out I just… all I could do was stare at the blood that was smeared on the ice. It seemed so surreal.” Jared bit his lip, feeling foolish that this whole thing seemed to have hit home harder than the hockey stick had hit Jensen.
“There was blood?” Jensen frowned, his eyes distant as though he was sorting through a puzzle he hadn’t quite pieced together yet. “Huh. Must have been from the laceration… it took twelve stitches. I could show you my scar, but that might be a little too Lethal Weapon, don’t you think?
Once more Jared watched as Jensen scratched the crown of his head, looking slightly befuddled. “Do you remember it at all?”
“Yeah, I… well, not the thing itself, but - I remember turning away, and then I found myself lying on the ice, I remember that my eyes wouldn’t focus, and the only thing I knew was that I had to get that helmet off, but I don’t know how I actually managed that.”
Jared looked at him with concerned apprehension. He could see that the whole thing was still gnawing on Jensen, more than the other man would admit. “I’m sorry your family couldn’t come to visit you in hospital.”
Jensen shrugged, a move Jared was becoming very familiar with seeing. “I didn’t tell them… They would have come, but I- I just didn’t want them to worry, when I wasn’t really hurt all that badly.”
Jared stared at him for a moment. Maybe the actual injuries were not life threatening, but the incident itself had been. Jensen’s family would probably have wanted to know. “Did you press charges?”
Jensen snorted and gave Jared a look that held annoyance, but it wasn’t meant for Jared. “Jeff forced me to.”
“Who’s Jeff?” Did Jensen have a boyfriend after all? Jared kicked himself, because Chad or Chris would have told him, but he couldn’t help wondering.
“Coach Morgan.”
“You call him by his first name?”
Jensen shrugged. “He kinda took me under his wing. He’s a great mentor.”
Jared felt a weight he hadn’t noticed falling being lifted again. He berated himself .because this was just an innocent dinner, and he had no right to feel jealousy towards anyone in Jensen’s life.
“I didn’t want to press charges, but Jeff made it a choice between having my own way and having my scholarship, so I did.”
Jared’s eyebrows rose. Coach Morgan seemed to be quite the personality. “Why wouldn’t you want to press charges? He should be punished, so people know that something like that won't be tolerated.”
“That’s what the coach said… I just wanted it to be over. But I guess it isn’t.”
Jared tried to wrap his mind around Jensen. “Jensen, you’re maybe the strongest person I know… I mean you’re fierce when it comes to defending what you are - who you are. Why would you back off after what happened? Guys like that have to see that they can’t get away with something like this, and if anyone has the guts to show them, I think it’s you.” His looked Jensen directly in the eye, pleading that the other man would understand.
Jensen wiped his hand over his face in an erratic move, his eyes met Jared’s, and it hurt the taller man’s soul to see just how tired they looked. “Maybe that’s it, Jared. Maybe I’m just sick of always being the only one to stand his ground out there… I mean, why do I always have to be the strong one? Why is it always me who has to face all that shit head on, when the rest of you duck away? Do you think it’s fun to tell some middle-aged police officer with a wife and two point four children, living his bigoted life in suburbia that you got hit with a hockey stick by a guy just like him, because you like cock rather than pussy. Do you think the man will really sympathize with you after he hears that this all happened because you told the guy to suck your cock? It’s NOT.”
Jared was rather glad that Jensen hadn't raised his voice. He did not scream. Instead, he lowered his tone to a dark whisper that rumbled deeply in his throat. Jared’s eyes grew wide at the harshly hissed words, and he stared at Jensen for a moment, guilt and understanding pouring into his features. “I- I’m sorry Jensen. You’re right. You shouldn’t have to take it all on alone. I didn’t know it was like that.” He nodded solemnly. “You don’t have to stand up to it all by yourself.”
Jensen’s anger deflated visibly, and he took a long drink, stalling for time. “I’m sorry, Jared, I shouldn’t have snapped like that… The first court hearing is soon, and the topic is kinda sore right now. It’s just the way it is, and I should be used to it by now.”
“But it’s not right.”
“A lot of things aren’t right, Jared.” Jensen gave him a bitter smile. “I don’t think hitting everyone who calls me a fag is the right thing to do either… I just sometimes can’t help myself. If I don’t stand up for myself, who will?”
“I would.” The words left Jared’s mouth before they could register with his brain, but said organ approved. He would. Jensen was worth it, that he was sure of by now.
“Really?” The other man raised his eyebrows at Jared skeptically. “I don’t think so.”
Jared shrugged. “Hopefully we never have to find out.”
“Stick around me long enough, and you can be damn sure we will.” The words were accompanied by a cocky grin.
“I just might.” Jared grinned back.
…next part…
Sorry about the delay but I had work in my way as well as my mom’s birthday. You can make me work faster if you give me some FEEDBACK, because things go so much easier, when I feel loved!