Week 3 Entry for brigits_flame. Prompt: "Truth."

[intermezzo_poet]

So this is technically part of a short story... and I wrestled with the idea of explaining the characters, the situation, etc, etc... and found it not only too painstaking, but it just sounded bad. So, I apologize if this is confusing, and you can make of it what you will. I hope you like this piece, anyway, and good luck, everyone!

Comments

[kithlyara]

This wasn't confusing at all. Honestly, leaving out the details concerning the characters allows the reader to personalize it more. Instead of reading about someone of your creation, we're reading about us and our friends.

This was a great story. It was simple yet spoke volumes.

[intermezzo_poet]

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

[pa1ndru1d]

Honestly, I found it lacking. It wasn't confusing. Questions come to mind.

Who the hell is Elaine and why would she care about her or them?

I don't see the connection to truth.

Perhaps it's just me?

[intermezzo_poet]

Ah, yes, that was half of my issue with taking an excerpt, especially not one I catered specifically to the topic. Thanks for your comment! I appreciate the input. :)

[lacombe]

I'm not a bit confused, although it's extremely clear that this is a teasingly fun piece of something larger. I love how sensual the moment is, and how pregnant it is with implications of something far greater.

[intermezzo_poet]

Thank you for your comment! I'm also glad you didn't find it insanely confusing. :P

Editor

[amri]

Hi-

I'm one of your editors this week.

This was such a cute scene! I wasn't confused at all. In fact, the lack of details just want me to read more. So many questions afterward! =) I would love to read more of this.

Great interpretation of the week's theme. I loved the playful conversation and the acknowledged difference in the two people.

Great job! I can't think of any suggestions except write more about these two! =)

Good luck in the future with your writing and have a happy holiday.

Re: Editor

[intermezzo_poet]

Thank you so much!

I really appreciate your feedback. :)

Re: Editor

[kenderlord]

Hey, hey. I'm filling in for Aisling87 for edits. Let's kick it

Re: Editor

[intermezzo_poet]

Thanks for the edit! I'll definitely have to change a few things, and I appreciate your help in finding out just what needs some tweaking. Thank you so much! :)

(P.S. Merry belated Christmas to you, too! And happy early 2009. :P)

Edit

[aisling87]

Hi there. Sorry I'm so late, I was spending a week or so with my family for the holidays, and they have dial-up (ominous music).

I really liked this piece. I didn't find it confusing, and I didn't have trouble connecting it to the theme; I thought that the protagonist's desire for the truth about how he felt about Abby.

I did have a few very minor notes/ questions:

Only now do I bother to give in. --> I immediately question why this time is different than all the others. I understand that he needs to know the truth, but why search for it now?

There’s a sugar cube on the end, stained with tobacco and her saliva. --> This is actually just my lack of experience. I've never seen a clove cigarette, so I wasn't sure if there was a literal sugar cube on the end or if he was just admitting that the cigarette did hold some sort of appeal to him.

sick/sweet --> I would recommend removing the slash here and saying something like "sickly sweet" instead. Or, if you'd like a different word for the same thing, "cloying

Re: Edit

[intermezzo_poet]

Thank you! I appreciate your help with this piece--and I'll definitely use "cloying." I could NOT, for the life of me, think of that word, so I am SO glad you mentioned it. :P

Thank you so much! :)

Re: Edit

[aisling87]

:) My pleasure.