Comments | intermezzo_poet: Entry for October, Week 1 of Brigits

intermezzo_poet

Entry for October, Week 1 of Brigits_Flame: "There it goes."

Oct 09, 2008 20:24

Here's my entry... I wrote a new piece... and decided I liked this older, slightly revamped version better--at least for this topic.

...ugh. Kinda angsty though. Apologies in advance.

(Oh, and this was totally back before my Creativity professor forever shattered the allure of Salvador Dali's works for me... pretty sure I'm scarred for LIFE. ( Read more... )

october--week 1

Comments 11

thefaeway October 10 2008, 01:53:13 UTC

huzzah! I love this piece! It's beautifully and tragically real and captures the spirit of a wandering mind...one perhaps subconsciously trying to lose focus on what it can't be focused on... :)

intermezzo_poet October 10 2008, 18:30:33 UTC

Thank you so much! :)

taste_is_sweet October 10 2008, 04:29:23 UTC

I really enjoyed the rhythm of that, and how eloquently you wrote the narrator's anger and despair.

intermezzo_poet October 10 2008, 18:31:04 UTC

Thanks!

cutecrazyice October 10 2008, 14:51:10 UTC

I love this. :)

intermezzo_poet October 10 2008, 18:31:18 UTC

Yay! Thank you. :)

Editooooor! mermaidbia October 11 2008, 19:54:01 UTC

Oh, hewwo, I'm Bia and your *checks* primary editor for today. I'm not a professional, and also much better at pointing out good stuff than bad, which might or might not be helpful.

Okay, first impression: (and in writing, I believe the first impression always counts) I love this, and it's a truly sublime, graceful piece of work. You catch the reader off his guard with the first impression and a voice of anger, but eventually it develops into a stream of consciousness where every thought is clear and distinct, and somewhat muted at the same time. You have a real gift with similes and metaphors, the words you use are beautiful, weaving it all together into a web of fleeting impressions, images, memories.

It does become angsty at times (I’ve engraved every second into the back of my eyelids, but I try so hard to dream, and so often, that your image is fading. - Do you need that line?) but I think with the glory of your wording, it doesn't really disrupt the flow. The dripping of the showerhead is the mundane sound keeping the ( ... )

Re: Editooooor! intermezzo_poet October 12 2008, 18:50:05 UTC

Thank youuuuuuu! :)

I was so excited to see such a wonderfully detailed comment/edit, and I really, really appreciate it! Thank you so, so much! :)

cedarwolfsinger October 12 2008, 00:30:03 UTC

Wow! This is great. "...the miles pull apart flesh like stitches, seams in fabric..." what an image! Good luck!