Its New Years Eve. Christmas is past. With the passing of Christmas my heart lightened. I enjoy the Christmas season, but actually Christmas I don't think I enjoy it. The last few Christmases I just feel so alone. In the room full of my family I felt so alone. On Christmas day my family was doing different things, and I decided to go hiking. So I ( Read more... )

Yet another Christmas eve is upon me. It was truly unique in its own way. However it is with a negative meaning that I say this. I am just buiried under thoughts that weigh me down to what I am at this given moment. I am here. Just here, nothing more barley less.

My heart hurts....I dont understand...I do not want to harbor animostiy in my heart....What is making my heart hurt? is it the animosity that is apparent at this given moment? Is it the guilt of having this animoisty that is unwarranted? Is it my weakness for allowing this animosity ( Read more... )

I endeavor, I strive and I lose what I have worked for. I can put years into something to have it ripped from me only by my own comportment. Months of effort can be expunged by my own impotence.
Ahh but I can start anew. Only time will assuage my failures.
Needless to say, I did not have the best of days.
I've been a mess. God help me.

I am a precipice in my life. I stand in a room, the room is flipped over and over again, and it is flipped over and over yet again, I grasp, I snatch, I scream for stability. There is nothing! There is nothing for me. No one can hear me. I tumble as the room is flipped. What can I do? I will tumble until the end of time.

I should be doing school work, but I'm not, I'm tired so I'm going to go to sleep. After work tonight I called my aunt Karen to check on her, I could tell she wanted company, so I went to see her, I visited for about an hour. Irreguardless of how I feel, I am still extremely blessed. When I've been at my worst state of depression, I'm still very ( Read more... )

I was at work today, a customer walked by, one of my very regular customers, Mrs Cameron. She said how are you? I said I'm okay and you? She replied no, how are you? are you just ok? I said yeah just ok. she grabbed my hand across the service counter and said I'm going to pray with you. I wanted to cry at the kindness of her. People like her keep ( Read more... )

My life seems a quagmire. I do well for a time, then I don't. I am tired of my ups and downs. I feel as if life just taunts me. What are a few good days followed by several days that aren't? Am I just being pessimistic? I am tired of this roller coaster. I want off. But there is nothing I can do. I shall keep on riding. I try and look at things in ( Read more... )

Today has been a day, yet again. My aunt Karen. I love her alot, even though shes really not my aunt, shes about the only family my mom has(long story ( Read more... )

So I have read back over many of my entries tonight, it brought smiles and sadness...I feel I have grown alot in the time since I had my journal, I just hope I have grown in the right direction! I have a sore throat, and I'm tired...it seems I moan and groan alot.....I've been slightly depressed...that old demon of lonliness is attempting to creep ( Read more... )