Out of Choices - Chapter 12
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 12: Shift (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 5,299
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
Another defining chapter. No direct alcohol consumption by a minor in this chapter but it’s hinted at. Consider yourself warned.
From Edward's POV...
12. Shift
Even running didn’t help me today. No speed was fast enough, no distance far enough to outrun the thoughts in my mind. I don’t even know how long I ran, searching for some place to escape the chaos in my head, some place where I could just feel peace. I didn’t even want to understand the thoughts. I just wanted to forget them, forget the way Bella made me feel and the sting of her rejection. I knew before I started that it would be ineffectual but I was resisting everything that had to do with her, trying to keep her out the way she kept me out. I didn’t like feeling so vulnerable.
As I got nearer to home I could already hear Alice. She was fit to be tied and ready to duel. I fought the urge to turn around and head back into the forest. I was in no mood for her questions. I hadn’t even been able to answer my own.
‘Don’t even try and run Edward. I will catch you.’ She could hear my approach to the house. There was no getting away from her. I headed to my room and ignored her mental tantrum on my way up the stairs. She would be angry with me for my lack of answers but that would be her problem, not mine. I couldn’t give answers I didn’t have.
Without even allowing me a moment to myself she appeared in my doorway. Her thoughts were screaming at me. The disapproving grimace on her face was markedly condescending, and her cold eyes were shooting daggers at me. ‘What did you do to Bella?’
I glanced in her direction apathetically. “Nothing.”
Her silence continued while she squirmed in place likely trying to control her temper. ‘She told me you fought.’
“She told you we fought?” I asked, feeling a little confused at the choice of words. It was a very loose interpretation of what had occurred in class today.
‘Yes.’
“Well we didn’t.” Not in words anyway. I hadn’t done anything to Bella; she just naturally seemed to spend the majority of her waking hours angry. What she had done to me was another story.
‘Then what was she talking about Edward?’ Alice’s mental tone shifted away from anger and towards confusion. Welcome to my world Alice.
“Alice, leave me alone. Leave this alone. I told you this is not your problem to fix.”
‘You upset her Edward. You should have seen how distraught she was.’
Bella was distraught? Not from anything I’d said to her certainly. “Something must have happened to her in gym.”
‘No Edward, Bella specifically said it was you.’
“Said what was me? Nothing happened,” I insisted. “We shared our playlists and then like always, she shut down on me. I assure you whatever she was feeling was self-inflicted and not due to anything I said to her.”
‘Well what did you do when she shut down?’
I reran the very familiar conversation through my mind for the hundredth time. “She told me we weren’t friends and I agreed,” I edited.
‘But she was so upset! She said that you two didn’t mix, that you were like oil and water.’
“She was correct,” I conceded curtly.
‘But she was so upset.’ Alice’s thoughts effused Bella’s upset to the point that she was upsetting herself.
“I don’t know Alice. She won’t let me in. If you want to find out why Bella was so upset you’re going to have to ask her.”
“But my visions Edward,” she whispered.
I scanned her mind. The visions were still very hazy and ambiguous but there were new ones, places I didn’t recognize specifically and even one that seemed to show Bella and I together. It was too obscure to pinpoint. And then I saw the pair of eyes I’d know anywhere, that I knew by heart, the same ones that haunted my own memories. In between the misty visions of Alice’s mind were her memories of Bella as they sat in the library together. I saw Bella through Alice’s eyes and Bella’s eyes were the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. It was piercing and wretched how they made my body feel. Had I done that to her?
‘What is it Edward?’ Alice noticed the change in my body language.
“I don’t know Alice. And I can’t answer your questions. I don’t know what upset her and I don’t know why she was distraught in the library. Now please, just leave me in peace. I’ve given you all the answers I have.”
She left reluctantly, her thoughts still centred on Bella and me and I closed the door behind her wishing she hadn’t shown me those despairing eyes. And for as hard as I tried, I could not forget them or stop wondering what had happened to make Bella so sad. It was very unlike her to show emotion. I’d never witnessed any emotion so pronouncedly acute in her aside from anger.
She had gym between biology and meeting with Alice. Perhaps some disagreement between her and a classmate had sparked her despondency? It took very little consideration to realize the impossibility in the idea. It was a possibility for most people, but not for Bella. She didn’t care enough about anyone to be upset by them. And while the idea that it could have been something I’d said or done wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, it seemed immensely implausible. Based on my own logic that would imply that Bella had some degree of feelings for me and I knew that to be a plenary falsehood.
The last comment I had made to her before leaving biology echoed in my head. Perhaps her sadness could simply be attributed to my assessment of her life. What I had said was entirely truthful, even she couldn’t dispute it, but perhaps it bothered her that I understood her more than she would have liked? But if my words truly hit too close to home than wouldn’t she be angry rather than sad? It’s not as if I had pointed out anything new to her. She embraced her misery; anyone could see that. It seemed very unlikely that my assessment could have caused her upset.
The more I examined her sad eyes, the more confused I became. The pieces of the puzzle that made up Bella Swan were complicated and intricate and frustrating, and the more I came to know about her, the less I understood. Just when I thought I had made some advancement towards getting to know her today, I was abruptly shoved back into obscurity, and the feelings that her rejection had fashioned unnerved me.
This afternoon’s events made everything between Bella and I impossibly more complex. I had never known a joy like I felt in evoking her happiness directly today or in getting her to open up to me. And I had never known such rejection when she shut me back out. Both sets of feelings were extreme and intense, with highs and lows of emotion I had not experienced prior. I could not determine what it all meant. I was stuck in the pain of her rejection and juggling the acuteness of every emotion held within. Certainly my pride had been deeply wounded, but it was more that that. Even discounting the rejection, the terminus of the interaction felt too personal to be understood within the context of my relationship with Bella as I had defined it. As I worked to examine the pieces before me and peel back the layers, the answers continually eluded me. It was as if it was there at my fingertips but just out of my reach, much like Bella herself was.
I always landed up back at those sad brown eyes. They tormented me. If I had been the cause of Bella’s sadness and she had been the cause of my pain did that mean just what she had told Alice, that we did not mix? Or did it mean something more, something I could not understand without further information. And there was still the issue of Alice’s visions and how they tied into all of it somehow.
I tried to break the problem down into its simplest pieces. There was my own pain, and while I was uncomfortable with the magnitude of my reaction, I would get over it. I could set it aside. There was the interaction of Bella and I together, a seemingly hopeless synergy that I could do nothing about on my own. And there was Bella’s sadness, which was as out of characters as my reaction had been, but somehow even more so for her. And when I thought of her sad eyes what I felt more strongly than anything else was the growing need to comfort her. It was undoubtedly the most confusing of all of my feelings. It was in direct contrast to the manner in which I needed to treat Bella to protect her. I could not reconcile it against my bloodlust. Yet, there was familiarity in the feeling. Perhaps that was why I was unable to use Bella’s mother against her, because to do so would be at odds with my desire to comfort her, and only now was I able to name the apprehension.
What I did understand was that I needed to find Bella, and it was perhaps the only thing I understood.
Alice knew what I needed as soon as I made my decision; her visions reflected the changes in my thoughts. She did not scruple in sharing her visions with me - Bella sitting on a beach by herself, still very unhappy - even though I may not have deserved her allegiance.
I poked my head into her room before leaving.
“I’m sorry for earlier Alice,” I said sincerely. “I’m still trying to figure it all out myself. And thank you for your help.”
“Just be good to her Edward. She still seems so sad. That’s not Bella.”
“I know, and I will be.”
I flew as fast as my feet would take me towards the ocean. I recognized the beach in Alice’s vision and I was impatient to get to Bella, but in the short time it took me to get there she had disappeared. Her truck was still parked up the road a bit so I knew she couldn’t have gotten far. I could hear a party in the distance and even though a party didn’t seem like Bella’s choosing it was my best guess.
I stuck to the trees hoping to remain inconspicuous while I looked for her. I caught her scent first, long before I saw her. Her normally floral fragrance was partially masked by the sweetness of oranges and molasses and caramel. Alcohol I presumed, rum in my estimation. I followed the strange mixture of aromas away from the beach and further into the thickening forest. It wasn’t long before I stumbled onto a very drunk Bella. She was not the girl in Alice’s visions, nor the girl I had come to know in class. The change in her was staggering. Even if I’d had the courage to interrupt I don’t think I could have, and I didn’t try, too fascinated by her behaviour. I stayed in the shadows of the trees and watched her intently. Her slender frame swayed slowly in time with the music while her arms waved above her head. She seemed completely at peace, one with the music, and I smiled to myself because I had been right about the importance of it in her life. The significance of my cognition meant little in the grand scheme of things but it meant considerably more to me personally. It gave me the courage to move a few steps closer.
When the tempo of the music changed so did Bella’s movements. The next song had a much harder edge and Bella’s soft swaying transformed into bouncing and head banging. Her long brown curls collided with her shoulders like angry crashing waves. I’d never seen her expend so much energy at living. She was breathtaking.
I watched as she spun faster than a top and laughed liked she didn’t have a care in the world. I wondered if the change was alcohol-induced or simply a by-product of finally being able to relax but whatever it was it was a glorious sight to behold. Nothing seemed to hold her back. She changed with each song, dancing and singing and playing guitar and never sitting still. I enjoyed watching her so much that I was sad to see her finally sit down.
I struggled with my desire to let her enjoy her peace and my need to talk to her. She deserved the equanimity. But I had to know more. I couldn’t resist her pull.
“That was quite a show.”
Her posture remained unchanged after I spoke, resting against a tree’s trunk with her eyes closed. There was something in her countenance that changed though, her expression softened and took on an almost angelic tranquility. I’d never seen her look more beautiful.
“Do you always dance alone in the forest?” I wanted to ask her to open her eyes so I could see into them but I didn’t want to disturb her. It felt like it would be asking too much.
“Only on the third Friday of every two hundred and tenth month,” she replied cheekily.
“What a coincidence.” I laughed softly. Impressive math on her part considering the pungent essence of alcohol that was radiating from her.
She seemed to lean forward towards the sound of my voice but I couldn’t be sure. Then she licked her lips and smiled as if she was remembering something that pleased her. I was about to ask her what she was thinking when I heard her soft whisper.
“Edward.”
If I’d had a heartbeat it would have sped at the melodious soft tone she’d spoken in. I’d never heard my name sound so sweet. I pressed my lips tightly together resisting the urge to beg her to open her eyes.
“I’m right here Bella.” I intended my voice to sound reassuring by it broke on the honesty, betraying the emotion I’d worked all day to bury.
Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked a few times adjusting to the darkness.
“So you are,” she agreed with a smile. Was she happy to see me or was it just the alcohol? I tried in vain for the millionth time to focus on her unreachable thoughts, dying to know what she was thinking.
“And why are you right here?” It wasn’t a question I really wanted the answer to but it seemed like the next logical thing to ask.
“Having a fucking party,” she announced proudly. “The best way to forget a shitty day is to celebrate!” She nodded her head in agreement, as if she was having a conversation with herself.
“You had a bad day?” I didn’t want to make any assumptions or admit what I’d seen in Alice’s thoughts. I needed her to tell me. Would she?
“No I had a shitty day.” She closed her eyes and shook her head a bit. Her movement reminded me of a young child the way she used her whole body to convey her ideas. I waited for her to explain further. “There’s a difference. Shitty is way more fucking bad than bad.” Her eyes found mine, waiting for me to agree with her. “You should know...you were there.”
I had been the cause of her sadness. My heart sank. What had I said to her that had hurt her so much?
“Then what are you celebrating?” I wondered.
“Dancing.”
I stifled the laugh that threatened. Bella didn’t strike me as a closet dancer. It was definitely out of character for her.
“You’re celebrating dancing or celebrating with dancing?” I asked seeking clarification.
Her face wrinkled up in confusion in the most endearing way. The alcohol in her system had definitely compromised her mental alertness.
“Both.”
She smiled proudly at me. I could see the wheels in her head turning and my curiosity tugged at me. What could she be thinking?
“Would you like to dance with me Edward?”
I froze in place, stunned at her invitation. She wanted to dance with me? I knew what the right answer to her question was, what the safe reply was.
“Yes.” Not the right or safe answer but it was what I wanted more than anything in that moment.
Her answering smiling lit up the entire forest.
I stepped guardedly toward her, completely unsure of myself. I was one hundred percent awkward teenage boy, shedding my immortal skin for a much less comfortable one.
When she held her hand out to me I froze again. She didn’t know how cold my skin was. Would it repulse her?
She sensed my hesitancy.
“It’s okay Edward. I don’t bite. I promise.”
Oh the irony - it was almost painful.
“I can’t make the same promise,” I warned, playfully hiding the truth of my admittance. It was so unfair of me to put her in such danger but I was completely unable to resist her.
“That’s ok. I like biting,” she confessed, doubling over in a fit of giggles. It was all a game to her. She was completely unaware of the risk she was taking in being so close to me. Her teasing was like an invitation to the monster. Why was he not rejoicing?
She tried to compose herself, covering her mouth with her hand to muffle the sound of her laughing. When she’d contained the giggling she moved her fingers along the length of her lips and then made a motion like she was throwing something over her shoulder - zipping her mouth shut and throwing away the key. How could such a juvenile action appeal to me? Yet somehow it did and I smiled at her.
She stepped closer to me and even masked by oranges and rum her scent torched my throat with all the heat and fury of hell but there was a difference. It was a fusion of pain and pleasure, the burn of my thirst mixed with felicity and delectation and self-indulgence. I recognized the emotions but did not take the time to question them. I was wholly focused on Bella. I had never allowed myself to be that close to her. It was heady.
Her small hand came up to rest on my shoulder. It felt almost as hot as the fire of my thirst. She smiled up at me and held out her other hand for me to take.
A million questions bounced around in my mind. Could I be this close to her and keep her safe? Was it fair to test the boundaries of my control without her knowledge? Was I strong enough to get myself out of the current situation? Did I even want to? There was no time for me to hesitate without risking insulting her and somehow my body reacted properly even without me engaging it. My right hand slid around her back and held her lightly. My left hand moved out to take hers. I smiled back at her.
She did not flinch when my cold hand closed around hers. I stared at our hands, her tiny palm contained within my own and waited, waited for her delayed reaction, for her to pull away and run away from me. She did neither and I did not understand why not.
“You have to move us,” she whispered before closing her eyes and giggling again.
I began to guide her body with my hand, moving us in time together to the music. She stumbled a little on the brush under her feet and then laughed again.
“I don’t dance,” she admitted quietly, looking up at me. Her cheeks flushed lightly and in the darkness of the forest her red cheeks affected me in an entirely different way this time. There was no instinctual reaction, no monster roaring. She just became somehow more beautiful under its affects, her brown eyes brightening against the glow.
I smiled back at her, too afraid to speak as my emotions whirled in my head. I pushed back every question that popped into my head, content on being in the moment…in the second. She allowed me to spin her slowly away from my body. Her movements were not smooth. She bobbled mid-spin and snorted and smiled and closed her eyes. She was not embarrassed. In fact she seemed to be appreciating the turning. I selfishly wished that it were my hand in hers or my strength leading her that pleased her. I realized it was more than I could hope for but it was still less than what I wanted.
I guided her back to me. Again she lost her balance, tripping on a twig and thudding dully into my chest. I caught her by the shoulders and stilled her. She looked up at me with those captivating eyes of hers. There was no trace of the sadness that filled them earlier that afternoon, nor the happiness I had seen in biology. I did not recognize the emotion I saw contained in them but sensed it was something positive. It was so unlike our normal interaction.
She laughed again and pulled away from me, spinning herself out of my reach and towards the trees. My hands felt cold and empty. It was over too fast and I yearned for more.
“Wheeeee,” she exalted as her body spun.
“Be careful Bella,” I warned. “You’ve had a lot to drink. You’ll make yourself sick.”
“Sick, schmick,” she chided. “I know what I’m doing.”
“I’m sure you do.”
I was glad one of us did. I had no clue. I watched her move around, wordless.
“What are you doing here Edward?” she asked suddenly, curiously.
“Running,” I lied. I couldn’t admit I had been looking for her. I couldn’t tell her that finding her was the only thing that made sense to me or that I wanted to soothe away the sadness she’d felt that I was not supposed to know about.
“I was running too. Shhhhh.” I didn’t understand her comment or her request.
“Why are we being quiet?” I asked.
“We’re not,” she yelled exuberantly, jumping onto a fallen log and throwing her arms up into the air. “I just didn’t want anyone else to hear that I was running.”
I had to attribute the variance in her behaviour to the alcohol. There was no other reason that she would be yelling now when she’d been whispering a moment ago. There was no logic in her thoughts.
“Why? Is it a secret?” I wondered.
“It’s not a secret from you. Is it a secret that you were running?” She seemed to be confusing herself now too.
“No,” I assured her with a chuckle.
“Who were you running from?” she wondered, her lips rounding into a pout.
“I wasn’t running from anyone. I was just running. It’s what I do when I need to think.” It was more information than she needed but the lie was becoming more complicated and it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to lie to her. There were enough things about me that I couldn’t share. Sharing this simple detail somehow uncomplicated the lie in my head the tiniest bit.
“I think way too fucking often. I run when I want to get away from something.”
“You run?” I asked surprised.
“No silly,” she giggled, “not normally anyway.” She jumped off the log and ran past me playfully.
“What are you trying to get away from Bella?” The loaded nature of the question didn’t escape my mind.
“Shhhhh. You. Shhhhh.”
I couldn’t help but smile by her unexpected answer and the irony of it. She was running from me and I was running from her. A strange mix of emotions descended on me, joy and fear and misunderstanding. All of the pieces that I had fit together began to come apart.
“Why are you running from me?” I asked softly, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.
“You’re very cute, you know?” she asked as she spun by me again.
I smiled at her strange attempt to change the subject and turned toward her as she passed me, following her with my eyes.
“Cute?” I asked, surprised.
“Okay, fine,” she giggled.
“Fine?” I questioned.
“Yes, fine, like handsome fine, not fine fine.”
“You…think…you think I’m handsome?” I stuttered, shocked.
“But far too good for me,” she assured me decidedly. The shift in her mood was almost tangible.
“I assure you that’s not the case,” I whispered painfully.
“I’m not shitting you Edward. I’m no good for you. You’re…well, you’re…and I’m…well I’m just…” She struggled to find the words she wanted and I struggled watching her pain take hold. In all of my wildest dreams I never once thought that such a side existed in the belligerent and confident Bella Swan.
“Whatever you think of me Bella, I can guarantee you that you are much too good for me. I’m not the man you think I am.” I wanted her to hear me, to hear the warning hidden in my words, to understand that I was not what she thought me to be.
She slumped against a tree and mindlessly twirled a tress of her hair around her finger. Her peaceful expression had dissolved into a grimace. “You don’t understand Edward. I’m broken and black. There’s nothing inside of me but emptiness.”
My fingers dug into my palms and my fists clenched in resistance. I did not like hearing her speak lies about herself.
“That’s not true,” I disagreed. “I don’t think you see yourself very clearly.”
“No, it’s true. I’m nothing.”
“Bella,” I whispered disapprovingly.
“Worthless.”
“No,” I insisted.
“Defective.”
“You are not defective Bella,” I declared emphatically. I didn’t even know why I was fighting against her accusations except that some instinct inside of me was pushing back at every insult she hurled at herself.
“Mutilated, smashed, cracked, shattered, mangled. It doesn’t matter what adjective you use for me. I’m not human.”
The pain was so severe it was as if she’d stabbed me. I could not fathom the degree of hurt that lived within her to make her see herself as unfit to be considered human. I knew what it meant to be something other than human. She wasn’t like me. She was just…lost.
“I know it feels like that, but take it from me,” I offered softly. “From what I’ve learned about you, you’re an intelligent, capable woman and just because you can’t see it in yourself doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And I know there is a part of you that’s broken, but that part is in all of us, in you…in me…in everyone. And that broken part doesn’t define you. It’s just a part of the whole. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
She looked up at me with tears in her beautiful brown eyes and I was suddenly drowning, overcome by my need to soothe her and take away her pain. I reached out for her, pulling her to me and cupping her tiny pale cheeks between my hands. My eyes locked on hers. I didn’t know what I could be to her, if I was even capable of being anything. But I knew I had to try.
“You’re not alone Bella,” I whispered.
I tried to read the message in her eyes but I didn’t understand it.
“What are you thinking?” I begged. It was a relief to finally ask her.
“Kiss me,” she murmured.
Before I consciously knew what I was doing, and before I could understand any of the desires or motivations or fears or warnings, I was honouring her request. I bent my head down towards her face and let my lips brush against hers as softly as a feather. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I hesitated, waiting to see if she’d pull away from me but she didn’t. She stayed still between my hands with her eyes closed and sighed lightly. I leaned in again and pressed a light kiss to her lips and she responded this time. Her lips came alive under mine, sweeping over mine like a gentle caress. Her mouth felt warm and soft and supple beneath my lips. My hands dropped from her face and I gathered her in my arms. She closed the last of the space between us, pressing her diminutive body against mine. Her arms reached around my waist and pulled me closer still. Every responsible instinct in my body was screaming at me to stop but they were completely overridden by the power she held over me. Somehow the pull I felt from Bella’s direction heightened and suddenly my fear that I would take her life dissolved and the only thing I feared was never touching her again.
When she pulled back from my kiss I let my forehead rest lightly against hers just to keep her near to me for a moment longer. I felt the world shift around me, as if everything around me had sped up and everything that I could reach out and touch had slowed to a stop. And in that moment I knew I would never be the same again.
I looked down at her searching for the words to express myself but lost my focus when I saw the odd look on her face.
“Bella, are you okay?” I asked.
She collapsed against me. The only thing holding her up were my arms wrapped around her body.
“Bella, are you okay?” I could feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest against my body and I could hear her heartbeat as it slowed to its normal pace. She remained still in my arms. And when she did not come to I realized that she would not. She had passed out. I chuckled to myself when I thought about how I could tease her about this. She would blush profusely and I would enjoy every second of it.
I tucked her head safely into my neck and scooped her full weight into my arms. Carrying her through the forest and back to her truck was effortless. After I gingerly fished her keys from her pocket, I unlocked the truck and belted her in. Her eyes fluttered opened for a second.
“It’s okay Bella. I’ll get you home safely.”
“Mmmkay,” she mumbled. She smiled at me appreciatively and then slipped back under.
I drove her home and carried her upstairs once we got there. Luckily her uncle was fast asleep or I imagine Bella would have had a lot of explaining to do. I laid her softly down on the bed and pulled her boots from her feet. Her sleep continued undisturbed even with the jostling. I covered her body with the comforter and planted one last kiss on her forehead. She was too out of it to understand the change in my world but I understood it completely.
I was in love with Bella Swan.
There was no more fighting or resisting. The pull was a part of me now, an unbreakable and unchanging tie to this impossible girl that I would love forever. I didn’t know if she would even have me but it did not matter to me. There was no turning back nor did I wish to.
Chapter 12: Shift (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 5,299
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
Another defining chapter. No direct alcohol consumption by a minor in this chapter but it’s hinted at. Consider yourself warned.
From Edward's POV...
12. Shift
Even running didn’t help me today. No speed was fast enough, no distance far enough to outrun the thoughts in my mind. I don’t even know how long I ran, searching for some place to escape the chaos in my head, some place where I could just feel peace. I didn’t even want to understand the thoughts. I just wanted to forget them, forget the way Bella made me feel and the sting of her rejection. I knew before I started that it would be ineffectual but I was resisting everything that had to do with her, trying to keep her out the way she kept me out. I didn’t like feeling so vulnerable.
As I got nearer to home I could already hear Alice. She was fit to be tied and ready to duel. I fought the urge to turn around and head back into the forest. I was in no mood for her questions. I hadn’t even been able to answer my own.
‘Don’t even try and run Edward. I will catch you.’ She could hear my approach to the house. There was no getting away from her. I headed to my room and ignored her mental tantrum on my way up the stairs. She would be angry with me for my lack of answers but that would be her problem, not mine. I couldn’t give answers I didn’t have.
Without even allowing me a moment to myself she appeared in my doorway. Her thoughts were screaming at me. The disapproving grimace on her face was markedly condescending, and her cold eyes were shooting daggers at me. ‘What did you do to Bella?’
I glanced in her direction apathetically. “Nothing.”
Her silence continued while she squirmed in place likely trying to control her temper. ‘She told me you fought.’
“She told you we fought?” I asked, feeling a little confused at the choice of words. It was a very loose interpretation of what had occurred in class today.
‘Yes.’
“Well we didn’t.” Not in words anyway. I hadn’t done anything to Bella; she just naturally seemed to spend the majority of her waking hours angry. What she had done to me was another story.
‘Then what was she talking about Edward?’ Alice’s mental tone shifted away from anger and towards confusion. Welcome to my world Alice.
“Alice, leave me alone. Leave this alone. I told you this is not your problem to fix.”
‘You upset her Edward. You should have seen how distraught she was.’
Bella was distraught? Not from anything I’d said to her certainly. “Something must have happened to her in gym.”
‘No Edward, Bella specifically said it was you.’
“Said what was me? Nothing happened,” I insisted. “We shared our playlists and then like always, she shut down on me. I assure you whatever she was feeling was self-inflicted and not due to anything I said to her.”
‘Well what did you do when she shut down?’
I reran the very familiar conversation through my mind for the hundredth time. “She told me we weren’t friends and I agreed,” I edited.
‘But she was so upset! She said that you two didn’t mix, that you were like oil and water.’
“She was correct,” I conceded curtly.
‘But she was so upset.’ Alice’s thoughts effused Bella’s upset to the point that she was upsetting herself.
“I don’t know Alice. She won’t let me in. If you want to find out why Bella was so upset you’re going to have to ask her.”
“But my visions Edward,” she whispered.
I scanned her mind. The visions were still very hazy and ambiguous but there were new ones, places I didn’t recognize specifically and even one that seemed to show Bella and I together. It was too obscure to pinpoint. And then I saw the pair of eyes I’d know anywhere, that I knew by heart, the same ones that haunted my own memories. In between the misty visions of Alice’s mind were her memories of Bella as they sat in the library together. I saw Bella through Alice’s eyes and Bella’s eyes were the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. It was piercing and wretched how they made my body feel. Had I done that to her?
‘What is it Edward?’ Alice noticed the change in my body language.
“I don’t know Alice. And I can’t answer your questions. I don’t know what upset her and I don’t know why she was distraught in the library. Now please, just leave me in peace. I’ve given you all the answers I have.”
She left reluctantly, her thoughts still centred on Bella and me and I closed the door behind her wishing she hadn’t shown me those despairing eyes. And for as hard as I tried, I could not forget them or stop wondering what had happened to make Bella so sad. It was very unlike her to show emotion. I’d never witnessed any emotion so pronouncedly acute in her aside from anger.
She had gym between biology and meeting with Alice. Perhaps some disagreement between her and a classmate had sparked her despondency? It took very little consideration to realize the impossibility in the idea. It was a possibility for most people, but not for Bella. She didn’t care enough about anyone to be upset by them. And while the idea that it could have been something I’d said or done wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, it seemed immensely implausible. Based on my own logic that would imply that Bella had some degree of feelings for me and I knew that to be a plenary falsehood.
The last comment I had made to her before leaving biology echoed in my head. Perhaps her sadness could simply be attributed to my assessment of her life. What I had said was entirely truthful, even she couldn’t dispute it, but perhaps it bothered her that I understood her more than she would have liked? But if my words truly hit too close to home than wouldn’t she be angry rather than sad? It’s not as if I had pointed out anything new to her. She embraced her misery; anyone could see that. It seemed very unlikely that my assessment could have caused her upset.
The more I examined her sad eyes, the more confused I became. The pieces of the puzzle that made up Bella Swan were complicated and intricate and frustrating, and the more I came to know about her, the less I understood. Just when I thought I had made some advancement towards getting to know her today, I was abruptly shoved back into obscurity, and the feelings that her rejection had fashioned unnerved me.
This afternoon’s events made everything between Bella and I impossibly more complex. I had never known a joy like I felt in evoking her happiness directly today or in getting her to open up to me. And I had never known such rejection when she shut me back out. Both sets of feelings were extreme and intense, with highs and lows of emotion I had not experienced prior. I could not determine what it all meant. I was stuck in the pain of her rejection and juggling the acuteness of every emotion held within. Certainly my pride had been deeply wounded, but it was more that that. Even discounting the rejection, the terminus of the interaction felt too personal to be understood within the context of my relationship with Bella as I had defined it. As I worked to examine the pieces before me and peel back the layers, the answers continually eluded me. It was as if it was there at my fingertips but just out of my reach, much like Bella herself was.
I always landed up back at those sad brown eyes. They tormented me. If I had been the cause of Bella’s sadness and she had been the cause of my pain did that mean just what she had told Alice, that we did not mix? Or did it mean something more, something I could not understand without further information. And there was still the issue of Alice’s visions and how they tied into all of it somehow.
I tried to break the problem down into its simplest pieces. There was my own pain, and while I was uncomfortable with the magnitude of my reaction, I would get over it. I could set it aside. There was the interaction of Bella and I together, a seemingly hopeless synergy that I could do nothing about on my own. And there was Bella’s sadness, which was as out of characters as my reaction had been, but somehow even more so for her. And when I thought of her sad eyes what I felt more strongly than anything else was the growing need to comfort her. It was undoubtedly the most confusing of all of my feelings. It was in direct contrast to the manner in which I needed to treat Bella to protect her. I could not reconcile it against my bloodlust. Yet, there was familiarity in the feeling. Perhaps that was why I was unable to use Bella’s mother against her, because to do so would be at odds with my desire to comfort her, and only now was I able to name the apprehension.
What I did understand was that I needed to find Bella, and it was perhaps the only thing I understood.
Alice knew what I needed as soon as I made my decision; her visions reflected the changes in my thoughts. She did not scruple in sharing her visions with me - Bella sitting on a beach by herself, still very unhappy - even though I may not have deserved her allegiance.
I poked my head into her room before leaving.
“I’m sorry for earlier Alice,” I said sincerely. “I’m still trying to figure it all out myself. And thank you for your help.”
“Just be good to her Edward. She still seems so sad. That’s not Bella.”
“I know, and I will be.”
I flew as fast as my feet would take me towards the ocean. I recognized the beach in Alice’s vision and I was impatient to get to Bella, but in the short time it took me to get there she had disappeared. Her truck was still parked up the road a bit so I knew she couldn’t have gotten far. I could hear a party in the distance and even though a party didn’t seem like Bella’s choosing it was my best guess.
I stuck to the trees hoping to remain inconspicuous while I looked for her. I caught her scent first, long before I saw her. Her normally floral fragrance was partially masked by the sweetness of oranges and molasses and caramel. Alcohol I presumed, rum in my estimation. I followed the strange mixture of aromas away from the beach and further into the thickening forest. It wasn’t long before I stumbled onto a very drunk Bella. She was not the girl in Alice’s visions, nor the girl I had come to know in class. The change in her was staggering. Even if I’d had the courage to interrupt I don’t think I could have, and I didn’t try, too fascinated by her behaviour. I stayed in the shadows of the trees and watched her intently. Her slender frame swayed slowly in time with the music while her arms waved above her head. She seemed completely at peace, one with the music, and I smiled to myself because I had been right about the importance of it in her life. The significance of my cognition meant little in the grand scheme of things but it meant considerably more to me personally. It gave me the courage to move a few steps closer.
When the tempo of the music changed so did Bella’s movements. The next song had a much harder edge and Bella’s soft swaying transformed into bouncing and head banging. Her long brown curls collided with her shoulders like angry crashing waves. I’d never seen her expend so much energy at living. She was breathtaking.
I watched as she spun faster than a top and laughed liked she didn’t have a care in the world. I wondered if the change was alcohol-induced or simply a by-product of finally being able to relax but whatever it was it was a glorious sight to behold. Nothing seemed to hold her back. She changed with each song, dancing and singing and playing guitar and never sitting still. I enjoyed watching her so much that I was sad to see her finally sit down.
I struggled with my desire to let her enjoy her peace and my need to talk to her. She deserved the equanimity. But I had to know more. I couldn’t resist her pull.
“That was quite a show.”
Her posture remained unchanged after I spoke, resting against a tree’s trunk with her eyes closed. There was something in her countenance that changed though, her expression softened and took on an almost angelic tranquility. I’d never seen her look more beautiful.
“Do you always dance alone in the forest?” I wanted to ask her to open her eyes so I could see into them but I didn’t want to disturb her. It felt like it would be asking too much.
“Only on the third Friday of every two hundred and tenth month,” she replied cheekily.
“What a coincidence.” I laughed softly. Impressive math on her part considering the pungent essence of alcohol that was radiating from her.
She seemed to lean forward towards the sound of my voice but I couldn’t be sure. Then she licked her lips and smiled as if she was remembering something that pleased her. I was about to ask her what she was thinking when I heard her soft whisper.
“Edward.”
If I’d had a heartbeat it would have sped at the melodious soft tone she’d spoken in. I’d never heard my name sound so sweet. I pressed my lips tightly together resisting the urge to beg her to open her eyes.
“I’m right here Bella.” I intended my voice to sound reassuring by it broke on the honesty, betraying the emotion I’d worked all day to bury.
Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked a few times adjusting to the darkness.
“So you are,” she agreed with a smile. Was she happy to see me or was it just the alcohol? I tried in vain for the millionth time to focus on her unreachable thoughts, dying to know what she was thinking.
“And why are you right here?” It wasn’t a question I really wanted the answer to but it seemed like the next logical thing to ask.
“Having a fucking party,” she announced proudly. “The best way to forget a shitty day is to celebrate!” She nodded her head in agreement, as if she was having a conversation with herself.
“You had a bad day?” I didn’t want to make any assumptions or admit what I’d seen in Alice’s thoughts. I needed her to tell me. Would she?
“No I had a shitty day.” She closed her eyes and shook her head a bit. Her movement reminded me of a young child the way she used her whole body to convey her ideas. I waited for her to explain further. “There’s a difference. Shitty is way more fucking bad than bad.” Her eyes found mine, waiting for me to agree with her. “You should know...you were there.”
I had been the cause of her sadness. My heart sank. What had I said to her that had hurt her so much?
“Then what are you celebrating?” I wondered.
“Dancing.”
I stifled the laugh that threatened. Bella didn’t strike me as a closet dancer. It was definitely out of character for her.
“You’re celebrating dancing or celebrating with dancing?” I asked seeking clarification.
Her face wrinkled up in confusion in the most endearing way. The alcohol in her system had definitely compromised her mental alertness.
“Both.”
She smiled proudly at me. I could see the wheels in her head turning and my curiosity tugged at me. What could she be thinking?
“Would you like to dance with me Edward?”
I froze in place, stunned at her invitation. She wanted to dance with me? I knew what the right answer to her question was, what the safe reply was.
“Yes.” Not the right or safe answer but it was what I wanted more than anything in that moment.
Her answering smiling lit up the entire forest.
I stepped guardedly toward her, completely unsure of myself. I was one hundred percent awkward teenage boy, shedding my immortal skin for a much less comfortable one.
When she held her hand out to me I froze again. She didn’t know how cold my skin was. Would it repulse her?
She sensed my hesitancy.
“It’s okay Edward. I don’t bite. I promise.”
Oh the irony - it was almost painful.
“I can’t make the same promise,” I warned, playfully hiding the truth of my admittance. It was so unfair of me to put her in such danger but I was completely unable to resist her.
“That’s ok. I like biting,” she confessed, doubling over in a fit of giggles. It was all a game to her. She was completely unaware of the risk she was taking in being so close to me. Her teasing was like an invitation to the monster. Why was he not rejoicing?
She tried to compose herself, covering her mouth with her hand to muffle the sound of her laughing. When she’d contained the giggling she moved her fingers along the length of her lips and then made a motion like she was throwing something over her shoulder - zipping her mouth shut and throwing away the key. How could such a juvenile action appeal to me? Yet somehow it did and I smiled at her.
She stepped closer to me and even masked by oranges and rum her scent torched my throat with all the heat and fury of hell but there was a difference. It was a fusion of pain and pleasure, the burn of my thirst mixed with felicity and delectation and self-indulgence. I recognized the emotions but did not take the time to question them. I was wholly focused on Bella. I had never allowed myself to be that close to her. It was heady.
Her small hand came up to rest on my shoulder. It felt almost as hot as the fire of my thirst. She smiled up at me and held out her other hand for me to take.
A million questions bounced around in my mind. Could I be this close to her and keep her safe? Was it fair to test the boundaries of my control without her knowledge? Was I strong enough to get myself out of the current situation? Did I even want to? There was no time for me to hesitate without risking insulting her and somehow my body reacted properly even without me engaging it. My right hand slid around her back and held her lightly. My left hand moved out to take hers. I smiled back at her.
She did not flinch when my cold hand closed around hers. I stared at our hands, her tiny palm contained within my own and waited, waited for her delayed reaction, for her to pull away and run away from me. She did neither and I did not understand why not.
“You have to move us,” she whispered before closing her eyes and giggling again.
I began to guide her body with my hand, moving us in time together to the music. She stumbled a little on the brush under her feet and then laughed again.
“I don’t dance,” she admitted quietly, looking up at me. Her cheeks flushed lightly and in the darkness of the forest her red cheeks affected me in an entirely different way this time. There was no instinctual reaction, no monster roaring. She just became somehow more beautiful under its affects, her brown eyes brightening against the glow.
I smiled back at her, too afraid to speak as my emotions whirled in my head. I pushed back every question that popped into my head, content on being in the moment…in the second. She allowed me to spin her slowly away from my body. Her movements were not smooth. She bobbled mid-spin and snorted and smiled and closed her eyes. She was not embarrassed. In fact she seemed to be appreciating the turning. I selfishly wished that it were my hand in hers or my strength leading her that pleased her. I realized it was more than I could hope for but it was still less than what I wanted.
I guided her back to me. Again she lost her balance, tripping on a twig and thudding dully into my chest. I caught her by the shoulders and stilled her. She looked up at me with those captivating eyes of hers. There was no trace of the sadness that filled them earlier that afternoon, nor the happiness I had seen in biology. I did not recognize the emotion I saw contained in them but sensed it was something positive. It was so unlike our normal interaction.
She laughed again and pulled away from me, spinning herself out of my reach and towards the trees. My hands felt cold and empty. It was over too fast and I yearned for more.
“Wheeeee,” she exalted as her body spun.
“Be careful Bella,” I warned. “You’ve had a lot to drink. You’ll make yourself sick.”
“Sick, schmick,” she chided. “I know what I’m doing.”
“I’m sure you do.”
I was glad one of us did. I had no clue. I watched her move around, wordless.
“What are you doing here Edward?” she asked suddenly, curiously.
“Running,” I lied. I couldn’t admit I had been looking for her. I couldn’t tell her that finding her was the only thing that made sense to me or that I wanted to soothe away the sadness she’d felt that I was not supposed to know about.
“I was running too. Shhhhh.” I didn’t understand her comment or her request.
“Why are we being quiet?” I asked.
“We’re not,” she yelled exuberantly, jumping onto a fallen log and throwing her arms up into the air. “I just didn’t want anyone else to hear that I was running.”
I had to attribute the variance in her behaviour to the alcohol. There was no other reason that she would be yelling now when she’d been whispering a moment ago. There was no logic in her thoughts.
“Why? Is it a secret?” I wondered.
“It’s not a secret from you. Is it a secret that you were running?” She seemed to be confusing herself now too.
“No,” I assured her with a chuckle.
“Who were you running from?” she wondered, her lips rounding into a pout.
“I wasn’t running from anyone. I was just running. It’s what I do when I need to think.” It was more information than she needed but the lie was becoming more complicated and it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to lie to her. There were enough things about me that I couldn’t share. Sharing this simple detail somehow uncomplicated the lie in my head the tiniest bit.
“I think way too fucking often. I run when I want to get away from something.”
“You run?” I asked surprised.
“No silly,” she giggled, “not normally anyway.” She jumped off the log and ran past me playfully.
“What are you trying to get away from Bella?” The loaded nature of the question didn’t escape my mind.
“Shhhhh. You. Shhhhh.”
I couldn’t help but smile by her unexpected answer and the irony of it. She was running from me and I was running from her. A strange mix of emotions descended on me, joy and fear and misunderstanding. All of the pieces that I had fit together began to come apart.
“Why are you running from me?” I asked softly, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.
“You’re very cute, you know?” she asked as she spun by me again.
I smiled at her strange attempt to change the subject and turned toward her as she passed me, following her with my eyes.
“Cute?” I asked, surprised.
“Okay, fine,” she giggled.
“Fine?” I questioned.
“Yes, fine, like handsome fine, not fine fine.”
“You…think…you think I’m handsome?” I stuttered, shocked.
“But far too good for me,” she assured me decidedly. The shift in her mood was almost tangible.
“I assure you that’s not the case,” I whispered painfully.
“I’m not shitting you Edward. I’m no good for you. You’re…well, you’re…and I’m…well I’m just…” She struggled to find the words she wanted and I struggled watching her pain take hold. In all of my wildest dreams I never once thought that such a side existed in the belligerent and confident Bella Swan.
“Whatever you think of me Bella, I can guarantee you that you are much too good for me. I’m not the man you think I am.” I wanted her to hear me, to hear the warning hidden in my words, to understand that I was not what she thought me to be.
She slumped against a tree and mindlessly twirled a tress of her hair around her finger. Her peaceful expression had dissolved into a grimace. “You don’t understand Edward. I’m broken and black. There’s nothing inside of me but emptiness.”
My fingers dug into my palms and my fists clenched in resistance. I did not like hearing her speak lies about herself.
“That’s not true,” I disagreed. “I don’t think you see yourself very clearly.”
“No, it’s true. I’m nothing.”
“Bella,” I whispered disapprovingly.
“Worthless.”
“No,” I insisted.
“Defective.”
“You are not defective Bella,” I declared emphatically. I didn’t even know why I was fighting against her accusations except that some instinct inside of me was pushing back at every insult she hurled at herself.
“Mutilated, smashed, cracked, shattered, mangled. It doesn’t matter what adjective you use for me. I’m not human.”
The pain was so severe it was as if she’d stabbed me. I could not fathom the degree of hurt that lived within her to make her see herself as unfit to be considered human. I knew what it meant to be something other than human. She wasn’t like me. She was just…lost.
“I know it feels like that, but take it from me,” I offered softly. “From what I’ve learned about you, you’re an intelligent, capable woman and just because you can’t see it in yourself doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And I know there is a part of you that’s broken, but that part is in all of us, in you…in me…in everyone. And that broken part doesn’t define you. It’s just a part of the whole. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
She looked up at me with tears in her beautiful brown eyes and I was suddenly drowning, overcome by my need to soothe her and take away her pain. I reached out for her, pulling her to me and cupping her tiny pale cheeks between my hands. My eyes locked on hers. I didn’t know what I could be to her, if I was even capable of being anything. But I knew I had to try.
“You’re not alone Bella,” I whispered.
I tried to read the message in her eyes but I didn’t understand it.
“What are you thinking?” I begged. It was a relief to finally ask her.
“Kiss me,” she murmured.
Before I consciously knew what I was doing, and before I could understand any of the desires or motivations or fears or warnings, I was honouring her request. I bent my head down towards her face and let my lips brush against hers as softly as a feather. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I hesitated, waiting to see if she’d pull away from me but she didn’t. She stayed still between my hands with her eyes closed and sighed lightly. I leaned in again and pressed a light kiss to her lips and she responded this time. Her lips came alive under mine, sweeping over mine like a gentle caress. Her mouth felt warm and soft and supple beneath my lips. My hands dropped from her face and I gathered her in my arms. She closed the last of the space between us, pressing her diminutive body against mine. Her arms reached around my waist and pulled me closer still. Every responsible instinct in my body was screaming at me to stop but they were completely overridden by the power she held over me. Somehow the pull I felt from Bella’s direction heightened and suddenly my fear that I would take her life dissolved and the only thing I feared was never touching her again.
When she pulled back from my kiss I let my forehead rest lightly against hers just to keep her near to me for a moment longer. I felt the world shift around me, as if everything around me had sped up and everything that I could reach out and touch had slowed to a stop. And in that moment I knew I would never be the same again.
I looked down at her searching for the words to express myself but lost my focus when I saw the odd look on her face.
“Bella, are you okay?” I asked.
She collapsed against me. The only thing holding her up were my arms wrapped around her body.
“Bella, are you okay?” I could feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest against my body and I could hear her heartbeat as it slowed to its normal pace. She remained still in my arms. And when she did not come to I realized that she would not. She had passed out. I chuckled to myself when I thought about how I could tease her about this. She would blush profusely and I would enjoy every second of it.
I tucked her head safely into my neck and scooped her full weight into my arms. Carrying her through the forest and back to her truck was effortless. After I gingerly fished her keys from her pocket, I unlocked the truck and belted her in. Her eyes fluttered opened for a second.
“It’s okay Bella. I’ll get you home safely.”
“Mmmkay,” she mumbled. She smiled at me appreciatively and then slipped back under.
I drove her home and carried her upstairs once we got there. Luckily her uncle was fast asleep or I imagine Bella would have had a lot of explaining to do. I laid her softly down on the bed and pulled her boots from her feet. Her sleep continued undisturbed even with the jostling. I covered her body with the comforter and planted one last kiss on her forehead. She was too out of it to understand the change in my world but I understood it completely.
I was in love with Bella Swan.
There was no more fighting or resisting. The pull was a part of me now, an unbreakable and unchanging tie to this impossible girl that I would love forever. I didn’t know if she would even have me but it did not matter to me. There was no turning back nor did I wish to.