It never gets easier.

I am a mess. I am a mess every goddamn day anymore. I sit at my desk at work and cry. I go home and cry. Even at larp I walk into the woods and cry or sit in a bathroom stall and cry. My life is a series of crying spells that is punctuated by bullshit.

I hate this. I want to die. I want to find the courage to do it.

Things have been rough ( Read more... )

I've been getting clocked a lot. I know my voice is shit, but I guess coupled with me getting fat, it's just like I can't get people to take me as female. This fucking problem. It's always there. I have no idea how to have a decent self image when I get called sir so much. I get it over the phone. That happens. But like, in person? I have boobs and ( Read more... )

Things have been tough lately. For a few weeks, really. Janelle contacted me and wanted to reconcile maybe three-ish weeks ago. I was scared, terrified, but also so eager and happy to fix things. My life without her has been miserable. I am miserable. I am completely worthless, everything I do is worthless, everything I am is wortherless, and ( Read more... )

I had larp this weekend. It was the season opener of Wyvern Rising. I'm not on staff there anymore and it feels weird ( Read more... )

Five years ago at this time I was dealing with the aftermath of my bottom surgery in Thailand. I was a mess. I only got through it because of Janelle. And there were a lot of difficult spots for like the next year after that. And I only got through those because of Janelle ( Read more... )

Still feeling crappy. The past week(?) or so has just been so emotionally rough for no real reason ( Read more... )

I am doing a little better today. By that I mean I am not in danger of crying every 15 minutes ( Read more... )

Today is a rough day. I looked at a wedding photo on Janelle's facebook life events thing. It used to commemorate our wedding day on May 26, 2011, but not it says "she tried to fill a void with another person." The other mentions of me in her timeline are gone now ( Read more... )

So. How did I get to now ( Read more... )