the weight of my despair crushes me. i wish i could find release. i just want to pass away. the only thing i am afraid of is failing again. i need to leave this earth. i need to go home. i just want to be set free of this earthly cage. this tattered, bruised, decrepit, enfeebled cage. i wish my time was now. people dont wish for cancer, but i do. ( Read more... )

i have all but lost the ability to eat without purging. it doesnt seem to matter to me that my throat is so torn up. i cannot make myself keep food down.

i feel so heavy. in just about every way. i feel like crying and i cant quite place it. obviously i am depressed. profoundly so. i am terrified of my in home care ending. even when it does, i wont be able to go back to school. ill just be sitting here like this. hopeless like this til april or may. i just cant figure it. i cant be doing suspension ( Read more... )

i am empty. sometimes i catch myself thinking ahead. and then i stop myself. it isnt real and it never will be. hope does not exist here. my mind is a desolate place. i wander through it. like a desert there is sometimes a mirage. is it a friend? is it health? is it home? is it hope? is it a future? no. i wander closer and it disappears. a crushing ( Read more... )

in a crowded room she screams out loud ( Read more... )

Hematemesis

i feel like i am floating in between life and death. as if my soul is the only thing keeping my body moving. stuck in limbo. i feel like im watching my life play out from somewhere else. i feel like i am already dead. and i wonder why i stay here? this place... its a dingy smoky smelling tiny one bedroom apartment. something reminiscent of a ( Read more... )

i do not want to be alive.

step one. Eat food.
step two. Purge.
step three. Purge until you are puking blood.
step four. Continue to hate yourself.

ill never be happy. every time i start to distance myself from the feelings i have for her... i realize she is my only friend. watching her be with anyone else-even if they were treating her right- is torture. torture. and even when i think im not in love with her. she gives me that smile. and i know. everything i could ever need... everything i ( Read more... )