this was the beginning of a disastrous inward struggle. . i shouldnt (shouldnt?-- why do i use that word in my vocabulary?). . disastrous? it is all the past. i return to it to only remember. remembrance. god, no more no more of this nonesense dense thought, it's time to free, lighten, play and be as a child. im surfing from here on out. the ( Read more... )

i wonder if i am truly living. of course, i am, i am breathing. change is necessary, yes, agreed, change. change. but as i look through past posts-- may 17th for example, i feel i was on the "right" path- a path that was moving forward, upward, optimistically, positively ( Read more... )

i feel the sadness cut into me. i miss so many things. i miss happiness, joy, ease, connection, intuition, understanding, flow. i miss my self. i miss feeling alive, and being passionate. i miss positivity.

i am without need, yet i feel vacuous inside. unable to express myself, in a healing crisis.

there is nothing else to say.

why let our minds be engaged in worthless energy? sometimes it's hard to recognize what's right in front of us. but today, right now, i decide to wipe all that is not important or worthy away, and to focus, be attentive to that which matters, the heart of the matter, the essence of life, of living, what ties us together, what frees us in our ( Read more... )

cant believe a slimy boy could have such an impact. infiltrating, and invading. feeding on my is-ness. not enough to fight the wave of indifference he walks in. his lack of recognition of "me" makes me feel small, unwanted, ugly, pathetic, judgemental. swimming in old thoughts, old ideas, old feelings, he pervades my entire essence because i ( Read more... )

introspection. constantly considering things, rethinking, combing over for any missed details, analyzing each part for the whole, the bigger picture emerging and a tidal wave of recognition. it came to me, that to see beauty in people, in all of life, nature, people is to recognize. and that perhaps we all seek to be recognized - by the things ( Read more... )

life and nature is veiled in such luscious beauty. ever deepening, ever penetrating. the perfection, and grace of creation. words seem to be inadequate when my eyes absorb such a magnificent view ( Read more... )

as if the sky knew exactly what i was feeling ( Read more... )

Cry out! Don't be stolid and silent
with your pain. Lament! And let the milk
of loving flow into you.

The hard rain and wind
are ways the cloud has
to take care of us.

Be patient.
Respond to every call
that excites your spirit.

Ignore those that make you fearful
and sad, that degrade you
back toward disease and death.

-Rumi

this is my last morning, spent in this apt, with the morning, blue, dewy light flood my room. sigh. last night, i went out with some friends from work, and felt a wave of negativity (just from a couple of people), and ugly behavior on my behalf. i question this. was it because i was feeling bad about the way i was being treated? or looked upon ( Read more... )